Four threads to freedom! Divorcing Twatchops once and for all

[thenamehaschanged]

Still can't copy and paste links but my last thread was New name, new game, less stress, more progress!

This really, really is the last one now - I hope that my story has helped anybody breaking free from abuse - it's bloody hard but you can do it!

For someone who absent for most of your relationship, he sure is keen to spend time with you now.

One way to enforce boundaries is just to keep repeating 'bugger off'.

Counseling is worth its weight in gold. Just the act of saying your own truth to someone who doesn't have a 'dog in the fight' and being validated or given alternatives is cathartic. We talk to our friends/family and that's good, but sometimes when we do there's a feeling of 'are they saying that just because they love me?'.

Twinkle that made me laugh. Very true. Classic case of 'you never want a drink of water until the well runs dry' on Twatty's part. Typical of abusers.

'bugger off' - can't be misconstrued can it?

Hi Name, glad you're doing well and staying strong x. Might be worth seeing if snug he counsellors near you do sessions on a sliding scale, lots do and you can sometimes Kay only what you can afford, might rude you iver till the nhs stuff comes through as lists for that can be quite long! X

Hi everyone - thank you that made me laugh

I've got my counselling by phone starting on Monday lunchtime which is good - it's called guided self help.

Twatchops really fucked me off on Thursday - he emailed me insinuating that I had taken too much from the joint account - it was 2 payments to get me through this quite costly month before my salary kicked in. Anyway, for some reason I didn't remember making 2 payments so I replied saying it was only one - TC then sent me a screen shot of the bank showing the 2 payments - so I just flipped and put it all back in his account (which has now left me skint) and burst into tears!

This from a man who could barely wipe his own arse without my assistance when we were married. Anyway - I had been fairly courteous in my emails up until now and generous with access to the kids but not anymore. He had wanted to take the kids out this afternoon after work but it was a flat no from me. They're tired anyway and just want to chill at home.

I felt really down about it yesterday - sort of vulnerable and hurt I suppose. I liked knowing I had a bit of money to fall back on and it really wasn't much - with the years of financial anxiety he has caused me, I need to feel secure and thought he was alright about money. Obviously not.

Anyway, just got a 'thinking of you at Christmas' card from mil lol! Yeah thanks! All thanks to your son I'm absolutely fine mil - bunch of idiots

Hope you're all well everyone

Bless, you sorry you're feeling down about it. I wouldn't have paid it back, but thats me!

Is he paying maintenance yet? If he is going to get funny about money, now is the time to start.

I know it has to be really hard, but don't let him get started guilting you or controlling you about money, Name. He'll take to that with enthusiasm if he finds it works.

It's a joint account, you're as entitled to use it as he is and you have his children to provide for, you don't have to hand him all the power about when you may or may not access it and what you spend it on. Why do you see it as 'his' money? It's nothing to do with him what you need to spend or buy, you're a rational adult and you're certainly not financially abusing him. It's not like you stripped that account dry!

Is this a case of you need to have some conversations with him about what you take/spend, or is it long term programmed guilt that you shouldn't without his permission?

Thanks fluffy, I know I shouldn't have paid it back but I had a momentary loss of sanity and just thought 'here, have it back then you petty bastard!'

He's covering the mortgage and all the bills at the moment which is good but not exactly paying me maintenance - but I agreed to that as my salary and benefits when I get them will be enough I think. The thing is he had said last month to take what I needed as he knew I wouldn't be paid yet. Arsehole!

I really want to just move on now, sell the house, get myself a flat and then just have a set maintenance amount from each month so I will know where I am.

Ooh I don't know Rumble - it was a real shock and really upset me which knowing him as I do is what it what supposed to do.

But you are exactly right - it is a joint account and we are still married. I will take a bit when he gets paid but ultimately I want to be as independent of him as I possibly can be.

And yeah my God I am no financial abuser at all haha! He proudly wears that crown, knob!

Well done!

If he's giving you permission to take what you want .... and then he's sending you screen shots wanting accountability from you about what you take, when, why..... he's just got a nice little avenue of control over you to exploit again. If he can upset you, even better! More power!

I totally get the independence thing, I'd feel the same way, but I would also take what you need and if you get questions and screen shots, ignore. He needs to not get a reaction and you need to practice the emotional freedom from caring what he thinks and whether or not he's ok with what you do. It's not relevant to you any more.

Thank you Rumble, great advice there - that's what I will do from now on - he actually asked in his email what these payments were for and are they regular??? I ignored that and will now continue to ignore.

Thanks again

You should really piss him off and set up a direct debit to something like womens aid, or a domestic abuse charity! Would love to see the look on his face when he notices that coming out of the account!

Haha yeah good idea fluffy think I will now.....now that I've just had the sweetest revenge

I thought I'd take a look through my bank and our joint one as I was sure I didn't make 2 payments to myself for the same amount.

1 payment was the one to me at my separate bank to help me through the month - the other was to my account attached to the joint one to make a payment for HIM at the start of the month - I had agreed to through his brother at the time because he was desperate and didn't have his mobile number logged at the bank to make payments - hahaha now he looks a proper knob. I've just fired off an email to him telling him in no uncertain terms.

Don't worry I will never do anything like that again for him as I think he's set himself up properly with the bank now - and it doesn't show me in the best light either for not remembering but my mind has been very distracted recently, but anyway it's cheered me up rather

I told you he wasn't as financially incapable as he was making out Name.

Yeah you did Ribena! You were right it was all just more abuse.

That's why it hurt when I got the email - it was just such a slap in the face - from the accusatory tone to the memories of having all financials dumped on me - it really upset me.

I bet he doesn't respond to my email - but anyway I feel loads better about my situation, I'll take money if I need it and I won't pander to anything he says.

Well spotted Name! That ends rather nicely

Just because he asked you to explain doesn't mean you have to. I'd take the same amount of money out again and just ignore him. Do not leave yourself short in the run up to christmas. By paying him back you are givin him a reaction and letting him control you again. Take the money and move on. Keep tabs on everything you take and watch what he's taking, this could get nasty if he starts making allegations of financial misconduct.
You sound so strong now and that's good.

I'd take the amount out again as well. Its a joint account. If he doesn't like it, he can do something about it. Whilst your name is on the account you are just as entitled to the money thats in there as he is.

Don't give him the satisfaction of replying or getting angry, thats what he wants.

Remember you're still enabling him to work by doing the childcare plus the house is actually a financial investment so him paying the mortgage is him still looking after #1.

Just keep emails to a minimum it's a way of keeping you hooked in, controlled and vulnerable.

I'd certainly take back the payment you made for him and enough to get you through comfortably until you get paid

So pleased to see this pop up in Active with such wonderful updates from you name

Don't worry that things have slipped and he's been to the house etc, just remember how quickly you realised you can sort it

Definitely take the money back, Name. Can you set up a standing order to your account from the joint giving you a definite amount each month so you know where you stand?

Yes to taking the money back. Also, if you have paid it "all" back, then you have paid in more than you took out, if one payment was actually to him. No wonder you're skint!