Wife's celebrity crushes

[TheBob37]

Hi, male first poster here. If I'm intruding please say, but I'd love a female opinion.

I know the title says it all, but I'd like to elaborate. Please bear with me because I like to explain things thoroughly.

I know there are men and women who get jealous of their partners celebrity crushes, and there are those who couldn't care less. Unfortunately I'm in a situation at the minute where I'm incredibly jealous of my wife's celebrity crushes and it's making me feel confused because I'm not sure if I'm being ridiculous or I have a valid point that needs some sort of resolution.

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years and married for 11. We always been deeply in love and our sex life has always been fantastic. She's always been a beautiful woman and I've always felt that she fancied the pants off me.

That was roughly until 2013. Unfortunately I developed a deep anxiety and depression brought on by my job that hit it's peak around the summertime. Eventually, in July 13' I quit my job and went to the doctor, got some pills, and resolved to sort myself out. During my depressed days I drank heavily, became moody, distant and unmotivated, and it really affect our marriage and sex life (as you would expect). By November I'd started to get a lot better and we agreed to make an effort to get back to the happy couple we were before.

I'd noticed I was putting on weight after I'd started taking my pills, and I also noticed that I was eating a lot more too. I'd put on a fair bit of weight, and this continued over Christmas and into the first few months of 2014 until I'd put on 4 stone!!!! Ridiculous, I know. This obviously led to me feeling pretty crap about myself and and my wife and I hadn't really rekindled the old flame. I felt (and still feel) that I'd made more of an effort to get things back to how they were, but because our sex life hadn't gone back to how it was this made me more paranoid about my weight. My paranoia and lack of self confidence led to me getting erectile problems and it's pretty much just stalled from there.

So, I get to my point (eventually, sorry about that). We've never been the sort of couple to obsess over celebrities, but I'm not an idiot and I know everyone fancies more than just one person. I've had a momentary crushes on some celebs, but once I'd seen them in other films or tv programmes it'd worn off very quickly and I didn't feel anything for them anymore. I'd noticed that my wife had made a couple of comments on facebook about a certain actor, and to be honest it didn't really bother me. A couple of weeks later the comments started to become more regular and involved different actors. Once again it didn't really bother me. Over the next few months and up to now it's become a daily occurrence. Her phone, iPad and Facebook page are cluttered with images of these famous crushes, as well as posting daily photos on Facebook of numerous famous hunks saying how sexy they are and how much she loves them. In fact one actor in particular she's always referring to being so 'in love' with and how she'd like to have a shower with 3 particular gentleman at once. In addition, the iPad internet history if jammed full of google searches for all of these hunky men on a daily basis as well as loads of screenshots of men saved in a folder on the iPad.

I approached the subject with her and said that what she was doing was upsetting me, especially due to my sexual problems and weight gain/self esteem issues. She said she understood but that I was being ridiculous and we'd been together long enough to not become jealous over these things. She said that her posts are always meant in a joking way. We agreed to disagree and she hasn't stopped doing what she's doing and it's really grating on me now. Personally I think she's being disrespectful and hurtful and it's angering me that she won't tone it down or meet me halfway. The ironic thing is that I was never very jealous, but she would always get insanely jealous whenever I got attention from other women (who were always quickly repelled by the way). She also recently had no problem telling me about her and her colleagues cooing over a latino looking hunky fella who'd visited her shop, and that she'd been the one who got to serve him and flirt with him.

So we're in a bit of a stalemate. I'm confused. Am I being ridiculous? Do I have a point? Do I need to back off and let it go? Is the problem with me and how I feel about myself?

Be honest with me please, how would you feel if you were me and it was your husband/boyfriend doing these things?

OP there are a lot of problems here and, whilst your wife's behaviour is insensitive and childish, I think you're focussing on the wrong thing.

You've both been through an awful lot and well done for coming through it and congratulations on the weight loss, you sound like you're putting a lot of effort into getting back on track and you should be applauded for that.

However, your wife has been through an awful ordeal too. She's had to witness the person she loves fall apart and her (formerly good) sex life destroyed. It sounds to me as if she's maybe carrying some resentment from this and has fallen out of love with you. This can be fixed, but only if you both want to fix it. Would she consider counselling?

I would imagine she's pretty battle scarred from your depression and it might help for her to discuss it with a counsellor so she can work through how she's feeling so she can move on from it too.

It does sound like she's overcompensating to make herself seem sexual even if her home life doesn't (currently) reflect this. I think the celeb thing is a symptom, not a cause here. Your relationship needs a helping hand to get back on track, with franker communication about sex and love. It sounds like intimacy has been a casualty of the past months' of ups and downs. Yes, getting yourself healthier and more confident should help - but this is about the two of you and the way you are together. Do you think you'd benefit from couples counselling, relate or similar? Would she be open to that? I think put the celeb thing to one side on focus on where you want to be as a couple

Actually, I think the worst thing from what you describe is the lack of respect for you. Throwing this kind of thing at you in an argument is cruel. That's the behaviour you need to concentrate on. And I do think it would be good for you to concentrate on what YOU want and need, not just wait for her to tell you what she wants out of the relationship, or whether she wants it at all.

DH and I have discussed the fact that we have mild celebrity crushes, but not who they are or anything else (too apt to lead to insecurity, and anyway who cares as it's only fantasy). I honestly would not dream of parading crushes on social media for all to see. It is pretty teenage really.

Crikey! This sounds pretty crappy TBH. A long chat and maybe some counselling might help?

Ah, slim, well dressed, handsome, English gents? Tom Hardy and Benedict Cumberbatch?

Nah, I'm just kidding, it's immaterial who she has crushes on. The point is her behaviour is utterly ridiculous for a grown woman. I'm sure it's probably linked to the issues you've had but if she knows how much it upsets you then she should stop.

Sorry to say this but your relationship sounds a little one sided. She may just take it for granted that you'll be there no matter how badly she treats you. That's not a good position to be in.

It does sound like she is checking out of the relationship. The 'love but not in love' bit would care the bejayzuz out of me if my OH said it. The fact that she persists in her juvenile behaviour in face of your protests means you do really need to impress on her in some way how unacceptable it is. It sounds like you are moving forward from the dark times but she is still back there and filled with resentment. Counselling would probably help no end here providing she does want to stay married to you. I think, though, you may have to suspect she does not and her behaviour is a symptom of that. She sounds really immature and that immaturity may extend to her pushing for you to end it so she does not have to look like the villain of the piece. It's a tough road ahead for you TheBob

Hi all, sorry for going quiet for a while but I just thought that I'd give you a (loooong) update.

Well, last Wednesday I plucked up the courage to calmly and sensibly approach this with her once and for all. We had a really, really, really long chat.

I confronted her about the celeb lustings first and really tried to explain that not only did I think it was massively disrespectful, I was also upset that she'd completely disregarded my feelings about it. She apologised and explained that she assumed that all men eventually watch porn, ogle women and degradingly speak about women amongst their friends, and that she thought it was ok if she did the same. It seems as though her pessimistic friends (who were mentioned before) have put this idea in her head. I told her this wasn't the case, and if it was I'm definitely an exception. She said that she didn't realise that it was quite so upsetting and that if it was the other way around she would be upset. She said that she would stop doing it. She explained to me about the flirting thing, and I can't really explain it in writing, but I believe that there's nothing in it. I knew what she meant. She also explained the 'love but not in love' comment, and I feel comforted about what she really meant, but she didn't really word it very well originally.

We also discovered that there has been a lot of underlying insecurities from very early on in the relationship. She snogged someone on a night out about 3 months after we started going out, and while I was really upset at the time, it's something I put in the past as a very silly teenage revenge mission. The revenge being that (how do I say this without sounding big headed?) I used to get a lot of attention from other girls, including some exes, and apparently I didn't deal with it in the most sensitive of ways back then.

Moving on, we discussed last year in all its horrible detail and she explained that this was something that she's still emotionally scarred from. I knew I was very difficult last year, I behaved unforgivably on occasion and really put a lot of strain on us. I tried to explain that I'd tried really hard over this year to make things right and that we were having far too many setbacks for my liking. She said that from her point of view, I have been like my old self (I don't consider myself depressed anymore) this year, but that I show signs of my depressive self occasionally (mainly going into my own shell or being unmotivated).

Anyway, we spoke about other things (for ages) and to be honest we ended the conversation feeling like we made massive strides forward and that we can start again properly. We started being more affectionate and thoughtful and I've seen a change in her that makes it seem she truly does still love me. I know it's only been a week but things are fantastic and different to how they've been over the last God knows how long.

I'm afraid I've had to have a little check up on the celeb thing. Currently, all pictures have been deleted, conversations deleted and no more daily posts. So that's a start.

Also, if you're interested, and just for my bloody ego I'll tell you, even though we haven't forced it, there have been 2 occurrences of sexual activity this week and on both occasions I have been at "absolute full capacity", as it were. I think the wife was more than happy with this.

I've started my new job (which has gone really well) and lost a few more lbs so I'm really happy with the way things have started. Long way to go I'd say but I'm very optimistic.

Thanks for all of your carefully considered and helpful advice, it really has helped. X

Well done OP.
It all sounds very positive.
Please don't let things slide for this long in future.
Communication is clearly the key here.
So pleased it's all moving onwards and upwards for you.

So glad things are looking up for you OP! Thank you for keeping us updated :)

That's really good to hear op!

I'm really pleased for you, keep talking to each other.

Oh brilliant! Thanks for updating us. That all sounds really positive.

Lovely update!

My response started at your OP and progressed thru. For what its worth, I’ll say what I think about the story as it built up, but I don’t want to be negative about the progress you’ve made.

Doubt this was ever just about ‘fantasies’. What had happened if she met someone who reminded here of them? Situations like this do happen and lead to nasty shit.

Talking of showers etc is BANG out of order no matter what the situation especially if she knew your feelings. If you were off FB and others were telling YOU about HER posts, then the posts must have been well OTT/extreme, to the point people felt the need to inform you. This isn’t just immature nonsense but a big alarm bell.

Keep working on yourself mate, remember the bloke you used to be at your best (he’s still inside you somewhere). Keep with the weight loss bit (it’s a huge deal). Being in shape is good for mind and body of you and your family

Keep working on your relationship but be honest with yourself about your wifes behaviour; it was appalling and signalled to me that serious issues existed. For these issues to be fixed with a long sit down seems unlikely and sometimes people don’t change their true thoughts or feelings rather they just hide them.

Her mates sound nasty and potentially damaging sorts. I hope she doesn’t let them get into her head.

Good luck.

What a brilliant update, thanks TheBob. It just shows that something as simple as talking is the key to it all. There are so many little things that can be misinterpreted and taken out of context and it's only when we sit down and see both sides that we can really start to put them out of our mind and move forward.

It's normal to notice that other people are attractive, but completely inappropriate to deliberately gush over them/make it known to the rest of the world that you fancy them, when in a relationship (and frankly - find it tacky to do stuff like that even when not in a relationship). She's acting like a 14 year old.

You are not wrong to be upset by the behaviour...it is hurtful and disrespectful. Although...in light of other information that you have provided, I can appreciate that she may be feeling frustrated too and this could just be her way of releasing that (as odd as it is). It doesn't make it right, but I can understand her difficulties with the relationship also.

It sounds like there are areas that you could both work towards to improve things.

Only just saw the update - fantastic news! Glad the talk went well :D

Thanks again well wishers.

MindOfAMan I know exactly where you're coming from. I don't expect it to be all moonlit walks and skipping through fields hand in hand, but when you strip it down to the nuts and bolts, I love her and I'm sure she loves me. The only way we can truly resolve what we've spoken about is to put it into practice. I'm willing to get burnt knowing that I tried my best to make it work.

"What had happened if she met someone who reminded here of them? Situations like this do happen and lead to nasty shit"

This is exactly what I always say! It's really annoys me when people say "what's the problem, it's not like I'm ever going to meet them". The intention is there, so what would happen if they ever met someone similar in real life! I mean, A LOT of affairs happen all over the world every day, and these things always start somewhere.

Anyway, like I said, I'm willing to get hurt, if I helps us solve whether or not we can make it work.

All good so far though.

Good for you Bob, you seem to have kept a level head.

BTW. The business of not viewing DP history is crap. People use privacy nonsense about social media and internet use when there's something to hide.

If strange letters & mags started coming thru peoples doors addressed to their DH/DW then people would be curious; same thing just electronic.

The world of relationships is changing.

The pressure of social media, celebrity lifestyle and the whole reality tv thing is creating a false environment for people to live within. Looking up ex's, comparing yourself to everyone else, trying to impress others with meaningless shite; it all leads to an artificial world where moral compasses can start swinging about wildly. Such a world exposes cracks in almost any relationship.

If things don't work out then at least you can look in the mirror and say honestly to the fella facing you that you gave it your best shot.
If it does work out, then its up to you to keep on top of your game to stop it reverting back.