Wife's celebrity crushes

[TheBob37]

Hi, male first poster here. If I'm intruding please say, but I'd love a female opinion.

I know the title says it all, but I'd like to elaborate. Please bear with me because I like to explain things thoroughly.

I know there are men and women who get jealous of their partners celebrity crushes, and there are those who couldn't care less. Unfortunately I'm in a situation at the minute where I'm incredibly jealous of my wife's celebrity crushes and it's making me feel confused because I'm not sure if I'm being ridiculous or I have a valid point that needs some sort of resolution.

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years and married for 11. We always been deeply in love and our sex life has always been fantastic. She's always been a beautiful woman and I've always felt that she fancied the pants off me.

That was roughly until 2013. Unfortunately I developed a deep anxiety and depression brought on by my job that hit it's peak around the summertime. Eventually, in July 13' I quit my job and went to the doctor, got some pills, and resolved to sort myself out. During my depressed days I drank heavily, became moody, distant and unmotivated, and it really affect our marriage and sex life (as you would expect). By November I'd started to get a lot better and we agreed to make an effort to get back to the happy couple we were before.

I'd noticed I was putting on weight after I'd started taking my pills, and I also noticed that I was eating a lot more too. I'd put on a fair bit of weight, and this continued over Christmas and into the first few months of 2014 until I'd put on 4 stone!!!! Ridiculous, I know. This obviously led to me feeling pretty crap about myself and and my wife and I hadn't really rekindled the old flame. I felt (and still feel) that I'd made more of an effort to get things back to how they were, but because our sex life hadn't gone back to how it was this made me more paranoid about my weight. My paranoia and lack of self confidence led to me getting erectile problems and it's pretty much just stalled from there.

So, I get to my point (eventually, sorry about that). We've never been the sort of couple to obsess over celebrities, but I'm not an idiot and I know everyone fancies more than just one person. I've had a momentary crushes on some celebs, but once I'd seen them in other films or tv programmes it'd worn off very quickly and I didn't feel anything for them anymore. I'd noticed that my wife had made a couple of comments on facebook about a certain actor, and to be honest it didn't really bother me. A couple of weeks later the comments started to become more regular and involved different actors. Once again it didn't really bother me. Over the next few months and up to now it's become a daily occurrence. Her phone, iPad and Facebook page are cluttered with images of these famous crushes, as well as posting daily photos on Facebook of numerous famous hunks saying how sexy they are and how much she loves them. In fact one actor in particular she's always referring to being so 'in love' with and how she'd like to have a shower with 3 particular gentleman at once. In addition, the iPad internet history if jammed full of google searches for all of these hunky men on a daily basis as well as loads of screenshots of men saved in a folder on the iPad.

I approached the subject with her and said that what she was doing was upsetting me, especially due to my sexual problems and weight gain/self esteem issues. She said she understood but that I was being ridiculous and we'd been together long enough to not become jealous over these things. She said that her posts are always meant in a joking way. We agreed to disagree and she hasn't stopped doing what she's doing and it's really grating on me now. Personally I think she's being disrespectful and hurtful and it's angering me that she won't tone it down or meet me halfway. The ironic thing is that I was never very jealous, but she would always get insanely jealous whenever I got attention from other women (who were always quickly repelled by the way). She also recently had no problem telling me about her and her colleagues cooing over a latino looking hunky fella who'd visited her shop, and that she'd been the one who got to serve him and flirt with him.

So we're in a bit of a stalemate. I'm confused. Am I being ridiculous? Do I have a point? Do I need to back off and let it go? Is the problem with me and how I feel about myself?

Be honest with me please, how would you feel if you were me and it was your husband/boyfriend doing these things?

I would be hurt if my partner was doing this OP. I know personally that I've had crushes, but I would never disrespect my partner by flaunting this in front of him, and I expect the same courtesy from him in return. It's disrespectful, perhaps as you say out of anger to do with the difficulties you both went through, but a reason is not the same as an excuse for bad behaviour.

The only time my husband mentions his celeb crushes (and I mention mine) is if they are on the film/TV if we are watching them. I am not threatened by his thoughts about Halle Berry (although we are not exactly similar types) but that's because he doesn't shove this in my face endlessly.

I don't know exactly why your wife is doing this but it isn't good news for your marriage. She seems to be happier pleasing her friends or herself than you and not care that this is upsetting (I wouldn't just find this upsetting, I would find it an inexplicable waste of time and very childish). I don't have a feeling that talking with her will resolve anything.

I would not try and control her stupidity though, I wouldn't even remark on it. I would get on with trying to improve your own life, get a permanent job, get to the weight you want, get yourself emotionally stable (mindfulness, going out with mates). Hopefully this is a silly crush-type behaviour that will pass- if it does not and it signals something more seriously wrong in your relationship you will be in a stronger position to consider your own options. Running after her and trying to get her to stop doing this when she seems to get something out of winding you up and doesn't see it as wrong is going to increase the humiliation- stop reacting, go off Facebook and get on with your life, she may just follow once she stops getting a reaction.

Sounds like she's being cruel.

Completely bottled talking to her tonight. I'm thinking hairtodaygonetomorrow's advice is pretty intelligent actually. Need to start doing things for myself and not trying to force her to want me again. Giving up on myself probably isn't the most attractive of traits anyway.

Struggling to sleep on it though.

Who are the celebs?

She said she understood but that I was being ridiculous and we'd been together long enough to not become jealous over these things

i think she's being immature, insensitive, disrespectful and cruel. if talking to her doesn't work, you could always give her a dose of her own medicine and then throw her words back at her if she says anything about it. not very mature i know but sometimes that works.

if it doesn't bother her at all then maybe she's emotionally checked out of the relationship.

I think she's doing it to make the op jealous and get himself back into shape.

I think you need to step back and look at your marriage in it's entirety. Her celeb crushes and need to carry on like a 13 year old is just a symptom and a smokescreen. I'm not saying it's acceptable, it's not. But it's a symptom. A woman who is happy in her marriage doesn't do that to that extent & certainly not after her partner has told her that it hurts him. I don't think she is happy, but that may NOT be anything to do with you at all.

I'm not saying who is at fault. I'm just saying there is probably more going on than just gushing about celebs and your unhappiness with your weight gain and the aftermath of your depression.

I think the two of you should seek couples counseling to try to get things on track again. I think you are two people who have just forgotten how to communicate with each other.

Hi Bob, the fact is, if this is making you feel bad your wife listen and respect your feelings. However, she chooses to ignore your protests and continues in her insensitive celebrity lustings. You find this disrespectful and I most certainly would too.
I would wonder why she has brushed over your feelings and continued with this rather immature behaviour? Are her friends also involved in similar public lustings on Facebook?
I also would be concerned at the 'message' she is sending to your children - do they see these images on your shared i-pad? I certainly would not be happy about that if it was my husband saving images of Pamela Anderson for all to see. Actually, I would be embarrassed as you must be.
I really think you need to address this again with your wife. Or are you afraid of the outcome of such a conversation? You have already eluded to the fact her friend has just split from her husband. Are you afraid that this is where you wife's mind is wondering?

Really productive comments again, thanks everyone, Especially Novida.

I don't think my wife realises that her phone is synced to the iPad, so any searches she makes, images she saves or messages she sends/receives on her phone are automatically saved to the iPad. Interesting you mention her friends. Whenever we get in an argument about things she always comments that 'everyone else' thinks I'm being an arsehole. By 'everyone else' she means her aggressive friend and the friend who doesn't like me who's husband has just left her, she doesn't really have any other friends. Her aggressive friend has a massive lusting for a particular actor and she posts lots of photos of him on Facebook, and her other (newly separated) friend is very bitter about any husbands, it seems. Like i said before, she's the one who suggested I be chucked out. They seem to have suggested to my wife that I'm being possessive because I don't want my wife behaving like this.

I should add before it gets out of hand that these posts/images are not pornographic, and most are of the men fully clothed. Mind you it almost seems worse that they are fully clothed, because she seems to have developed a lusting and emotional attached to them.

Whöooooo are they? I feel like I'm missing out on something

shes out of order. Even if you are being oversensitive, youre her husband, and if you have spoken to her honestly, and told her its making you feel a certain way, she should be kind to you and tone it right down. As for talking to you about this sexy man coming into the shop, is she trying to make you jealous? At least if she is it shows she cares,but its pretty immature!! Does SHE worry that YOU dont find HER sexy perhaps? And youre so busy worrying about performing/ not performing/ your weight that she has taken it to mean you arent attracted to HER??

I'm have a bit of menopause trouble at the moment that has caused our sex life to dry up. I also need to lose weight. Work is stressing me out, but I'm working on getting things sorted. If my DH ogling actresses on FB, talking about flirting with fit young women, generally behaving like your wife Id be gutted.
Yes, people fancy celebs. Yes, it's (usually) harmless. But under the circumstances I'd talk to her and tell her it's upsetting you, ask her to show a bit of consideration
and kindness. That under the circumstances she may be a wee bit frustrated herself, and may see this as a harmless way of relieving her feelings, but it's not helping the situation overall.

I agree with annarose, I think there's an undercurrent here. I second couples counselling as an option.

And yeah, I think we need to know which celebs they are!

My ex partner was a serial celeb-crush-name-dropper and I hated it. Yes, it was my problem because I was insecure at the time but still, he knew it annoyed me and continued to do it.

My husband on the other hand is the exact opposite. I haven't a clue who he fancies (I have a slight idea, judging by a few of the ladies he follows on Twitter). Does he think they're fit? Of course he does. But he doesn't rub my face in it. Nor do I, his. I follow a certain footballer on Instagram just coz I like looking at his pics now and again. If I'd started collecting them in a separate folder I'd maybe be slightly concerned about myself, I'm not sure what that one is about, OP. As suggested it's like she wants to be caught? I agree wholeheartedly that if my DH had a folder of pics dedicated to a certain female, naked or otherwise, I'd find it slightly stalker-ish .

I suspect some weird game playing on her part here. Any chance you could act your pants off and let on it doesn't annoy you? See if anything changes? Then you'll know it's all a weird act.

Hi OP

When you spoke to her about it, did you mention that her phone history was copying over meaning if she thought she was being discreet, she actually wasn't?

When she says what her friends think she should do, do you ask her what she thinks she should do?

Hi TheBob I massively agree with other posters here in that I think your wife sounds ridiculously immature. I also think she is totally disrespecting your views and not taking you seriously. She may be seeing you as 'reduced' due to your weight gain and job issues. I won't patronise you by telling you to lose weight etc. as you are doing this. You sound far more sensitive than she is and that is not a criticism. I suggest to write her a letter explaining fully how her behaviour is making you feel. How it is eroding your marriage and that her ignoring your polite requests to reign it all in is demeaning and damaging in the extreme.
I would definitely not tell her the two devices are linked as that is your litmus paper test for how it's going. By behaving like this and on FB too is a massive pair of fingers up to you and if she can't see that, she is a total cow quite frankly! She does sound immature and being influenced by her two harpy friends doesn't help matters as she is listening to them more than your heartfelt pleas and that is pretty shocking but I think she needs to be told in no uncertain terms how upset and miserable this is making you. Do it in a letter and there is no arguing with it in that moment. It's also a 'big deal' to get a letter like that. If she shows it to her harpy friends, there is no hope, she is a dyed in the wool cow!

OP, I have another angle on this for you to think about.

I have experienced this to some extent from your wife's side. I was unhappy in a relationship. I developed a huge crush on a character in a TV series. Obsessed. This was before internet and Facebook so it was a private one, but I may well have acted as your wife does if those things had been around. It was a bizarre thing in hindsight, but it was a reaction to my situation. I was creating a fantasy world of an ideal relationship, about how I wanted to be treated in contrast to how I was being treated. I'm not excusing your wife's behaviour, it is childish and damaging to your relationship, but have a think about why she is suddenly like this.

It's been only a year since you were ill and 'distant' with her, and your sex life has been non-existant since then. I understand you were ill. I understand you are suffering from low confidence and erectile disfunction. Think for a minute about her feelings too. Even though she knows logically it's down to your illness, it's still effected her life and hurt her feelings. You feel sexually unwanted by her. She also feels sexually unwanted by you. She's turning away from those hurtful feelings and towards fantasies instead. It sounds to me as if you are both in pain right now. Do you have any sexual contact? You don't need an erection or to have intercourse to have sex. Does she still feel wanted and desired and attractive to you? These feelings have to be mutual. If you want her to want you, then she has to know that you also want her. Are you stuck in a cycle of negativity about each other? Can you be the one to break that cycle? If you want affection, you have to give it. If you want desire, you have to show it. She may be feeling just as lost and unattractive as you do.

I also need to comment on something you said.
'I think she's lucky she's got a husband who doesn't buy lads mags, ogle at page 3 or furiously fiddle with myself over the internet every night.'
Seriously? Most men don't do these things. It's not something special that makes her 'lucky' or she needs to appreciate. This are basic normal expectations of a relationship. Saying this is rather like saying 'she's lucky she's got a husband who hoovers once a week' or 'she's lucky she's got a husband who doesn't hit her'. Do you think women should have such low expectations? If you think the bare minimum stuff makes her lucky, then maybe you need to take another look at how you act towards your wife and in a relationship.

Regardless of whether or not the FB nonsense is appropriate, the point is it is hurting your feelings and she is being hurtful in continuing with them.

By all means speak to her about it, but maybe stress that you do love her & tell her all the lovely things you posted about her in the OP. I do think she is being cruel but maybe, also she is feeling hurt and rejected by what she sees as you withdrawing from her, when really it isn;t at all.

It seems you have been taking positive steps to focus on yourself and get better and fitter
( congrats on the weight loss BTW not easy when you've been depressed I know from experience!) but she is so wrapped up in her own sense of rejection.

Have a good talk with her, use the I approach rather than you..." I feel that xyz when that happens, I have been so down its been hard to focus on anyone else" rather than "You make me feel when you do xyz "
Less acusatory.

Couples counselling may help, ask her to go for your sake as you want to sort this but need help expressing yourself (which I don't think you do really reading your posts but it is difficult to a loved one) A third party might help diffuse the anger & hurt on both sides & help you both move forward together.

Good luck

Thanks again for more comments. I didn't realise people would be so willing to help!

Sorry peasandlove and JaceyBee, I don't want to be judged about who she may be perving over . I don't think it matters if she's perving over Noel Edmonds and Gordon Brown or Brad Pitt and Bradley Cooper, it still the principal. Let's just say she seems to love the slim, well dressed, handsome, english gentleman type, as well as others. Which again is frustrating because I'm very much a working class cockney boy, and even without the weight gain I'm a broadly built fella.

I think most of you are right though, this is probably a symptom of how upset she was with me last year. I was in a very dark place and very difficult to live with. This year has been more good than bad and I'm am definitely a better, more thoughtful considerate husband. We still laugh like we used to at times and generally enjoy life, but there's just this undercurrent where if I do something to annoy her or we have a disagreement, she just jumps right back into last years mentality. It's like she can't let it go and put it in the past. We talk quite openly and try and resolve our problems, but then in the next disagreement it's as though we never talked and things just go backwards again. I've demanded she be honest with me and tell me straight whether she still wants to be married to me and she can never give me a straight answer. She's given me the whole 'loving someone but not being 'in love' with them' talk, it was really patronising. All I want is honesty.

We were having an argument once and I raised my voice to tell her to stop being so ridiculous, to which she replied 'I bet (insert crushes name here) doesn't speak to his partner like that'. Like a dagger to the heart. She knows it bothers me and she's used it to hurt me. It's stuff like this that makes me fear the worst. If you look at what she says and how she behaves, it doesn't look good for me, does it?

Last year, When I had to do some soul searching and decide what I wanted, I came to the conclusion that I am so in love with my wife it's ridiculous. I told myself there and then that I would commit to her and do everything I could to make her happy. I don't think she did the same.

Kentishgirl, I've told her how much I fancy her still, I've told her I think she beautiful and I do try and be affectionate. My erectile dysfunction seems to be intermittent, so we have had sex (about once a month, plus numerous failed attempts), and it's always been fantastic (for both of us, I'm sure). Unfortunately, it's definitely a psychological problem and I'm definitely more paranoid about it since her perving has increased.

Don't let her near the BCAS on here then.

And don't forget people can fancy many "types" - Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are pretty different and Brad Pitt married them both...

If you have lived with someone with depression, it's quite hard once it has passed to change your instant reaction if it feels like you are back there again, even for a moment. So although you have talked, she may still feel a fear and dread of it restarting.

What was it she'd done that made you shout at her to stop being ridiculous?

I hope you're getting support and better from your depression now, TheBob. It's a very horrid thing.

I think your wife is being disrespectful of you given that she knows you don't like her 'outpourings of lust' and are feeling a bit tender at the moment. If the boot were on the other foot, she wouldn't like it at all and would be posting here in high dudgeon.

I think the 'celeb fantasies' that many women share on MN are a bit pathetic because they go on and on about what they want to do to these celebs. Makes me shudder. If their husbands came on and posted that they fantasised about x, y, z celebrity they would be rounded on.

If my partner were rude enough to have the 'I love you but am not in love with you' conversation, I would invite them to leave or leave myself. Your wife is behaving really badly towards you and you should certainly not sit back and take it - nor keep telling her how in love with her you are.

What's your personal 'enough is enough' point and does your wife know where that is? She should.

'whether she still wants to be married to me and she can never give me a straight answer. She's given me the whole 'loving someone but not being 'in love' with them''

this doesn't sound good, to be honest. If someone can't say yes I love you, yes of course I want to be married to you, then you are in the end days of your relationship unless things are turned around rapidly. The ball isn't just in her court; you need to decide if you want to be married to someone who is on the fence about you.

We were having an argument once and I raised my voice to tell her to stop being so ridiculous, to which she replied 'I bet (insert crushes name here) doesn't speak to his partner like that'

That is the most ridiculous immature thing I have heard a grown woman say to her partner - that really is an unhealthy obsession with celebrities who she does not know...

Dh and I occasionally take the piss out of one another for our celebrity crushes! I have a few pictures on my mobile of my celeb crushes! Seriously though, at no point would I consider flirting with someone other than my husband and then subtly brag about it to him! Also if at any point dh had said that my behaviour was hurting him I'd stop. I think your wife is being quite cruel, in her own way attention seeking and I feel for you. Im bigger than I used to be since having dc (slowly coming off!) and it has knocked my confidence a lot but Dh still makes me feel loved, desired and very much wanted.