Wife's celebrity crushes

[TheBob37]

Hi, male first poster here. If I'm intruding please say, but I'd love a female opinion.

I know the title says it all, but I'd like to elaborate. Please bear with me because I like to explain things thoroughly.

I know there are men and women who get jealous of their partners celebrity crushes, and there are those who couldn't care less. Unfortunately I'm in a situation at the minute where I'm incredibly jealous of my wife's celebrity crushes and it's making me feel confused because I'm not sure if I'm being ridiculous or I have a valid point that needs some sort of resolution.

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years and married for 11. We always been deeply in love and our sex life has always been fantastic. She's always been a beautiful woman and I've always felt that she fancied the pants off me.

That was roughly until 2013. Unfortunately I developed a deep anxiety and depression brought on by my job that hit it's peak around the summertime. Eventually, in July 13' I quit my job and went to the doctor, got some pills, and resolved to sort myself out. During my depressed days I drank heavily, became moody, distant and unmotivated, and it really affect our marriage and sex life (as you would expect). By November I'd started to get a lot better and we agreed to make an effort to get back to the happy couple we were before.

I'd noticed I was putting on weight after I'd started taking my pills, and I also noticed that I was eating a lot more too. I'd put on a fair bit of weight, and this continued over Christmas and into the first few months of 2014 until I'd put on 4 stone!!!! Ridiculous, I know. This obviously led to me feeling pretty crap about myself and and my wife and I hadn't really rekindled the old flame. I felt (and still feel) that I'd made more of an effort to get things back to how they were, but because our sex life hadn't gone back to how it was this made me more paranoid about my weight. My paranoia and lack of self confidence led to me getting erectile problems and it's pretty much just stalled from there.

So, I get to my point (eventually, sorry about that). We've never been the sort of couple to obsess over celebrities, but I'm not an idiot and I know everyone fancies more than just one person. I've had a momentary crushes on some celebs, but once I'd seen them in other films or tv programmes it'd worn off very quickly and I didn't feel anything for them anymore. I'd noticed that my wife had made a couple of comments on facebook about a certain actor, and to be honest it didn't really bother me. A couple of weeks later the comments started to become more regular and involved different actors. Once again it didn't really bother me. Over the next few months and up to now it's become a daily occurrence. Her phone, iPad and Facebook page are cluttered with images of these famous crushes, as well as posting daily photos on Facebook of numerous famous hunks saying how sexy they are and how much she loves them. In fact one actor in particular she's always referring to being so 'in love' with and how she'd like to have a shower with 3 particular gentleman at once. In addition, the iPad internet history if jammed full of google searches for all of these hunky men on a daily basis as well as loads of screenshots of men saved in a folder on the iPad.

I approached the subject with her and said that what she was doing was upsetting me, especially due to my sexual problems and weight gain/self esteem issues. She said she understood but that I was being ridiculous and we'd been together long enough to not become jealous over these things. She said that her posts are always meant in a joking way. We agreed to disagree and she hasn't stopped doing what she's doing and it's really grating on me now. Personally I think she's being disrespectful and hurtful and it's angering me that she won't tone it down or meet me halfway. The ironic thing is that I was never very jealous, but she would always get insanely jealous whenever I got attention from other women (who were always quickly repelled by the way). She also recently had no problem telling me about her and her colleagues cooing over a latino looking hunky fella who'd visited her shop, and that she'd been the one who got to serve him and flirt with him.

So we're in a bit of a stalemate. I'm confused. Am I being ridiculous? Do I have a point? Do I need to back off and let it go? Is the problem with me and how I feel about myself?

Be honest with me please, how would you feel if you were me and it was your husband/boyfriend doing these things?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think it's the lack of respect for you that's most telling.
If I was doing similar and my OH said he didn't like it and it made him uncomfortable then I would stop.

If he was posting pics of hot blondes with big boobs and adding inappropriate wording as well, I'd be telling him exactly the same.

[ToffeeWhirl]

I'm really sorry you've been through such a difficult time. It might help you to know that my DH suffered from depression a few years back and he also put on loads of weight because of the antidepressants. He was also comfort eating and drinking. Eventually, I suggested - as tactfully as possible - that he go on a diet and he ended up joining LighterLife. He lost loads of weight. Now, when he looks back at photos, he's shocked to see how much weight he'd gained whilst he was unwell.

I think your wife is being very insensitive towards you. You are feeling insecure and she's not helping. You need to have another discussion with her about it, I think, and tell her how much it's hurting you.

[TheBob37]

I'm a bit annoyed fanjo that you seem to think that me snooping at an internet history is the problem here. The fact is it's a shared iPad, nothing is concealed or snooped at on there.

[Norest]

Personally looking at and respectfully talking about someone else being attractive is not a problem for me, whichever person does it. It crosses the line if it is constant and is disrespectful. I don't particularly like objectification of random strangers whether they are male or female, I think it's a bit creepy tbh.

[probablyhadenough]

But OP she is clearly trying to communicate something here - it isn't just being insensitive to your feelings. Telling you she is flirting and then saying she was lying suggests that she wants to discuss attraction, sex, self esteem and maybe (sorry) how you and your sex life have changed. It might not be possible for her to say the weight doesn't matter, much as you would both like that to be the case. It doesn't mean that all is lost, but you need to talk!

[TheHermitCrab]

TheBob37

She's being an insensitive cow.

Your weight size doesn't matter in this situation. Yes it's always nice to get fit and healthy for ourselves and of course our relationship.

But your appearance shouldn't be what does or doesn't make her play the horny teenager on facebook, flirt with customers and disregard your feelings when you've made it clear it upsets you.

It's obviously not the celebrity crushes that matter, I know who my OH fancies from TV/Music, but he won't elaborate on the subject, because he insists it's silly and immature (and he's right) And he knows I like keanu reeves...etc but I'm not going to post pictures up of him or talk about it on social media.

[DuelingFanjo]

"I'm a bit annoyed fanjo that you seem to think that me snooping at an internet history is the problem here. The fact is it's a shared iPad, nothing is concealed or snooped at on there."


Sorry.


it's just when you said "Her phone, iPad and Facebook page are cluttered with images of these famous crushes" I thought you meant her phone and Ipad.

I don't know why you would be searching the history of her usage but I guess you have every right to but you say that you have taken yourself off facebook to avoid her postings so presumably you could, if you wanted, stop searching the history on your joint technology?

My concern would be that doing this is not good for your mental health, and though it doesn't remove the problem of her doing it in the first place, at least you are not actively looking for it - make sense?

[probablyhadenough]

And btw - I agree that the way she is going about it is unhelpful and cruel but it isn't always easy to start conversations about issues like these.

[TheBob37]

Thanks hellsbellsmelons and ToffeeWhirl. You've made me feel better.

I tend to be quite willing to discuss problems and sort things out with my wife but I really wouldn't know where to start with this. I can't just tell her to stop doing it, can I? Where do I draw the line? Should she be doing it at all?

[kissmethere]

By telling you she flirts with men, then back tracking and saying "not really" sounds really immature and insensitive. Would she be trying to,wind you up?
It seems she is hitting below the belt re crushes and physical appearance. It's so,disrespectful.
You both need another talk and she needs to take you seriously. All the images and talk of hunks has to stop.
In the meantime well done on your weight loss I hope she learns to appreciate your positive actions.

[TheBob37]

You're quite argumentative, aren't you fanjo. The general consensus is that my wife is being quite insensitive and that we need to talk about it. You however are focusing on the fact that you think I've snooped.

I'm sorry but if that were true I wouldn't be the first, but it's irrelevant, because my wife has done something wrong.

[probablyhadenough]

Can I ask if you have had counselling together OP? It sounds like since 2013 there have been a lot of changes in your life and your relationship and maybe just deciding you were going to get back to being a happy couple wasn't enough. You do sound very defensive and hurt (maybe justifiably) which will make talking more difficult without a third party. There is much more going on here than some insensitive remarks I think.

[kissmethere]

I understand it's difficult to bring this up but I'd choose a good moment and just come out with it. it's because she's ott with it and it's a bit juvenile. Ask her if she prefers these celebs or you. If she says "you" which I guess she will, say it sure doesn't feel like it. my mate luffs Denzel Washington but her bloke knows her main crush is him. That's how she should make you feel. If that's not the case then let her talk about it.

[Annarose2014]

I think she's being fucking rude, tbh.

Its one thing to have sexual problems in your relationship - its another to spam your FB friends with your sexual fantasies. Must be pretty tedious for her friends too, tbh.

And after you tell her it makes you uncomfortable she just shrugs and keeps doing it.

I wonder if there's an element of subliminal punishment here? "Hey DH! Look at all these testosteroney ripped men who I'd love to fuck!".

Do you think she's getting back at you in some way for 2013 and the erectile problems since? Maybe she doesn't even realise she's doing it, but you've told her its insensitive and she clearly doesn't care all that much.

I think there's undercurrents rippling here. I think you should suggest counselling. She may scoff and refuse - but given your own history and your ED, it may be well worth your while to go alone anyway. Not sure that quitting your job automatically made everything rosy in the garden, though obvs it helped enormously.

Are you employed at the moment? Is she the breadwinner? Who is the main caretaker for the kids? Do you think she's resentful of you? Is there any affection between you - hugs, squeezes, a kiss on the lips leaving the house?

All of these things could be contributory factors. So yeah, I think you two need to talk things out with a counsellor. Definately.

[Twinklestein]

Personally I think fawning over celebrities is tragic.

I don't know if she's trying to make you jealous or she's just crashingly insensitive, either way she doesn't seem to have much respect for your feelings.

I agree that this is her equivalent of porn. Whatever your personal take on porn, if your partner says your use is making them feel unhappy and insecure, then obviously their wellbeing is the priority over getting off.

[QuintsBombWithAWiew]

Thinking about this some more, she is not just rude, she is publicly humiliating both herself and you. It is pathetic, she acts like the teenage girls on my sons instagram who is spamming out "one direction" pics and quotes. Even he had enough and unfollowed these girls.

I have had celebrity crushes (singer) yes, but I have not spammed my Facebook with them. I watch the odd youtube video, and dh just laughs at me.

[Selinasupreme]

I don't want to speak badly about your wife but if I saw that in my FB feed id find her a bit desperate and letchey! It's normal to find other people attractive but making folders of pictures of other men and sharing them on Facebook freqently, joking about having sexual contact with them ect isn't acceptable, it's awful.

The last thing she should be doing when you are at a low ebb is making you feel bad about yourself wether it's deliberate or not, if she knows it's upsetting you she should stop, sharing men's photos on Facebook shouldn't be important enough to her to compromise her husbands happiness.

I'm sorry but any woman who says that's acceptable and wouldn't be upset or jealous if their partner did this is LYING!

[TheBob37]

Thanks to the last 3 posters, I definitely needed to hear some opinions that can help me approach this again with some confidence.

And Selina, that is EXACTLY what I think. If I was doing this to my wife there would be outrage, her friends would be chirping away and I'm sure she would have something to say to me. In fact there are two in particular (one is particularly aggressive and one just plain doesn't like me) who have told her that what she's doing is perfectly acceptable. The one who doesn't like me has told my wife she should chuck me out for being an arsehole. When I raised this with her she said that it wasn't true, but after I pressed her about it she admitted she'd lied.

[TheBob37]

Ironically the friend who suggested I be chucked out, her husband has recently left her.

[DuelingFanjo]

"You're quite argumentative, aren't you fanjo. "

No - I was just responding to a comment you made to me.
If you read my first response and other responses from me you will see that I do think she isn't being sensitive to your feelings on the subject.

As someone has suggested counseling might be worth a try RE the other issues in your marriage.

[TheBob37]

And Annarose, I like the cut of your jib too. There has been some tension because I left my job, but it was very necessary for my health. I've had a casual job this year but recently got something permanent, but yes, I don't think that it helped.

[TheBob37]

I'm going to try and talk to her about it again tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

I agree that it's a bit disrespectful to openly talk about finding other people attractive in front of your dp, whether it's someone in real life of a celeb.

My dp said something once about Pamela Anderson "she's blonde with big boobs, what's not to like?" I looked at him like this and said "oh really?" He looked at my dark hair and modest boobs and then looked very sheepish and hasn't said anything like it again!

If anything he's more likely to point out a good looking/hairy man that I might fancy but I'll always be very understated in my enthusiasm, or point out things that are similarities between dp and whatever man we're talking about because, despite having an ego the size of a house, he's still a sensitive soul and I wouldn't want him to feel anything other than completely desirable.

I think your dw is out of order (& a little immature) for being so blatant about her sexual fantasies on fB. Would she object if you were do to the same?

Saying all that, I think the real life flirting and the need to tell you about it is probably more harmful than the celebrity thing. I wouldn't stand for that at all.

[Minus2seventy3]

Seriously, would any woman on here tell another woman to lose weight and put out more if their husband was looking at saucy photos on the 'net? So why is the OP being told this is just a "clumsy message"?
Your partner is being hugely disrespectful to you, Bob, and frankly making a bit of a tit of herself, and a mockery of your relationship, on a public forum (Facebook).
Does my wife know I have a "thing" for Aliona Vilani... Of course she does; just as I know her celebrity crushes. Would I put on FB that I'd like to have a shower with her, Reese Witherspoon and Olivia Wilde? Would I fuck. (And if I did, my mates would call me a cock, and the missus would give me a well deserved slap).

[DuelingFanjo]

So why is the OP being told this is just a "clumsy message"

I don't think it is.
It may be that his wife doesn't find him attractive anymore (or not) but I doubt very much if this is the hidden message behind her posting about her crushes on FB.
She seems insensitive to his feelings though, particularly given that he has talked to her about how it makes him feel.

Clearly she is not listening to him or respecting his feelings.