DP cheated. Can it ever just be a drunken mistake?

[BricksAtMyWindow]

I found out last night. I'm devastated. We have a 6 month old and I can't believe he would do this. He swears it was a mistake, he was drunk and that he loves me and he'd never do it again.

We can't even talk face to face, he works away for 3 weeks at a time and isn't home for another week.

I don't know what to think. I feel so sick.

The only way to really get past something like this and stay together (and not just brush it under the carpet) is for the cheater to take complete ownership of the behaviour and work to understand why they did it. That doesn't mean saying 'I was drunk' or 'I was weak' or 'They led me on.'

It means weeks, months maybe years of counselling and soul searching to really understand what made them think that it was OK to behave like that. What deep rooted beliefs do they hold that made them make those choices? Until they truly know why they did it, they cannot make any meaningful promises about never doing it again, however much they might believe those promises at the time.

It is a long, hard road and the person taking it must have a deep rooted desire to change their behaviour. Most people don't get that far. After a few weeks they are sick of hearing about it and start resenting it being mentioned because after all they've said sorry

Good post, Legion.

Any,

she is doing everything I ask, insists it was the drink, and that it never happened before, but that doesn't stop the demons in my head.

Thanks brick, it helps to know you're not alone.

Ah, SoBlue, if she is insisting "it's the drink at fault" then for the reasons outlined in Legion's excellent post at 12:20, then that is not going to cut it I am afraid

I know, its a big mess. I feel like she is in denial and I don't know what to do, or how we fix it.

She's not in denial, love. She wants you to be though.

"Can it ever just be a drunken mistake?" Yes and no.

Mistake is defined as: "an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong". He made a bad choice. He chose to sleep with the woman. He chose to drink. He chose to not tell you (or he could have been waiting to see you in person). These things are all "mistakes" if it's something you later realise was the wrong choice. Doesn't change the fact it was a choice.

Drunken mistake. Alcohol doesn't turn you into a totally different person with different morals to when you're sober. It lowers your inhibitions though and makes those choices you've been wanting to make, but didn't have the balls to do, a lot easier. It makes things (in my limited experience) much more "fun" and less "wrong". Make you less likely to consider the consequences of your decision... BUT it's still a decision. It doesn't make you forget you have a spouse/significant other. It doesn't make you go through the acts of whatever you're doing like a robot, being forced to make choices and do things you wouldn't do while sober. They are still choices that you made based on your original choice to drink.

So sure. He drank and made the wrong choice. Can I ignore that choice as something he didn't WANT to do? No. He wanted to do it in that moment. He ignored thoughts of me, he ignored memories of me and our life together to sleep with another woman. Could I forgive those choices? Eventually maybe because harbouring anger and resentment isn't healthy, but I wouldn't be able to stay with him because the trust would be gone, as would the faith that I was "the only one for him".

He cannot undo what he has done. He cannot change the choice that he made in that moment, but he can use those choices to change the ones that he makes going forward. If you're okay with that idea. If you're willing to give him another chance then that is your choice. Do not make it hastily and do not let him tell you how long is too long to take to make it. It will take time to rebuild the trust.

~~thinking of you~~

jasper Alcohol does not change your basic personality, true. It simply changes your filters and inhibitions (control). The person you are when you drink is still you though, just different parts of you normally controlled while sober. Being sober does not change the fact those parts of you and your partner exist.

www.flask.com/do-people-tell-the-truth-when-they-are-drunk/#.VGJif2chCZQ

your filters and inhibitions are part of the real you

Yes it can be a drunken mistake.
You've Done it OP,
So have I (previous relationship).
Whether you can get past it is another matter. Some people can, some can't. Only you can decide

I hope you are OK Bricks

Thank you legion. The situation has escalated somewhat. It wasn't just a one time thing so I think there is only one way forward now. Can't face it tonight but have a lot to sort tomorrow.

Oh dear

Sorry to hear that, Bricks.

Sorry to hear that.

We're all here if you need to vent.

That's too bad -- how many others have there been?

Thank you all. I will really need some strength tomorrow. I'm not even sure how I feel at the moment, just numb. I don't know if there have been any others. I gave him every opportunity to tell me the truth and get it all out in the open but he still lied. I checked his phone bill (he knows I have access to his online account) and I could see that he had got taxis early in the morning and also a number that he had been texting/calling. He admitted it eventually. I feel so broken I'm not sure how I will get through tomorrow.

Take care

You will do this because you are a stronger person than he is. Never forget that. You don't need him.

I'm sorry, but unsurprised :(

Tbh it's a bit of a blessing in disguise that you have found out now (how did you find out?), it'll save you months or years of either trying to 'fix' it or feeling that you should have tried to.

Go and see your FIL tomorrow, give him the update. Ask him to put DP up when he comes back.

Gather your strength bad resources tomorrow and start on your plan. Think forwards, not backwards. It is shit, but you will be fine. You and DS will be fine x

OP I'm so sorry, but also unsurprised

Use this time that he is away wisely. Find out what your rights are, see a solicitor if you have a house you own together.

Tell everyone what a scumbag he is, you have no shame in this, it's all his.

We're all here for you but you need to reach out for RL support. The friend who told you clearly has your best interests at heart and told you knowing you would need support, I'm sure she's happy to give that to you. Do you have family nearby?

Be kind to yourself, keep your fluids up, eat when you can, sleep when you can. Channel your hurt and anger into being proactive and making a plan for your new life. It will get better and you will be happy again.

I am so sorry Bricks

Look after yourself, let family and friends support you and keep posting if it helps.

You will get through this.

I am so very sorry Bricks.

I was about to say that I know couples where there's been a one-off infidelity and with time and effort they recovered their relationship and been very happy.

But the fact that this was an ongoing affair changes everything. And the fact that he had the chance to come clean and be honest with you but didn't, tried to pretend it was a one-off, well, that's going to totally destroy any trust, isn't it.

Tell him to go to FILs when he returns. You don't have to talk to him or have any contact for now if you don't want to after that.

I can't imagine going through all this with a young baby to care for. Is there anyone in RL who can come and stay for a few days, even one day, to look after your little one and you and give you a bit of space to disappear under the duvet.

How are you going? Really hope you're ok

Thank you. Today has been so so hard. I'm just trying to get everything sorted for independence which is keeping my mind occupied. My mum is near and has been over today. I'm glad I have DS really as he is keeping me busy too.

I have spoken to him, he says it wasn't a full blown affair but he did sleep with her more than once and ended it before I found out. I asked him if I thought we could get past this if he would come home when this job finishes and not work away again - he said no. I think that says it all really! I think I've cried all I can, time to pick myself up and move on!

What a complete bastard Bricks