DP cheated. Can it ever just be a drunken mistake?

[BricksAtMyWindow]

I found out last night. I'm devastated. We have a 6 month old and I can't believe he would do this. He swears it was a mistake, he was drunk and that he loves me and he'd never do it again.

We can't even talk face to face, he works away for 3 weeks at a time and isn't home for another week.

I don't know what to think. I feel so sick.

Quitelikely I think the only punishment would be to leave wouldn't it? Whether we break up or not yes I will still let him come home. He only gets a week to spend with DS, if I ask him to stay elsewhere then I take that time away from him.

It is not about punishment, it is about whether the relationship can continue on a meaningful basis; or not.

Once he is back, you would probably want to talk to him and find out what he plans to do to regain your trust. It is possible to challenge him without necessarily leaving.

As he is back for just a week and then away again, leaving for that week is not the only path. You have the space to think, and then will have space again after his week home.

OP please look after yourself. Of course your son's needs come first, but you need to protect your own health (including your emotional health).

If it's too much for you, remember that it is his responsibility to see his son. Alternatively, a couple of nights away might be good for you.

I agree, it's not a matter of punishment. There isn't going to be any punishment.

You could consider going away yourself when he is home. Leave him to look after dc and you do what you need to do.

I think we will need the week he's home to sit down and talk things through to be honest. I'm not sure how I'd feel about going away and leaving DS with him. DS is the only think keeping me together at the moment.

Fair enough. Again though, nothing changes for him does it ?

Well I guess not but I suppose that's the point in forgiving him isn't it if that's what I decide

The condom issue is not relevant because he did what he did. Even if the other person had not provided it in his drunken state would he have said "stop, I'm not shagging you without a condom"...very unlikely which is actually worse as it could have led to STI.

Only you can decide. Sounds to me like you are well on the way to forgiving him.

I would keep my eye on him though. If there is no punishment then repeat crimes are often committed!

No, the point in forgiving him is not to take all the ongoing pain yourself while he lives his life as normal, with the added pleasurable drama of your heartbreak and his guilt to amuse him.

You can't forgive until you have good reason to believe that he is genuinely sorry.

The problem with a one night stand is that it casts a lot of doubt on his feelings for you.

He slept with this woman becAuse he fancied her and he wanted to. Drunkenness might have greased the wheels, but he did it because he wanted sex with someone other than you.

Do you think you can have a long term and happy future with a man who wants to sleep with other women and is only faithful to you (if he is faithful) because he's afraid of being caught?

Most people who are happy in relationships are not that easily tempted to sleep with someone other than the person they love.

You can choose to forgive him all you want, it won't stop what has happened or change the fact he will more than likely do it again, why would you want to be with someone you have trust in, is like having only half a relationship, I'd rather stay single than have only part of a relationship.

Please at least give him some kind of consequence.

Forgiving him is fine, if that is what you decide. But that is not the same as "nothing changes".

If you are to work through this with him, you would want to make sure that he now has a very clear idea that this "drunken mistake" (or whatever he called it) is a one-off and is not something that you will tolerate as part of the relationship.

it is not a mistake.

You need to ask him the question

"Why did you CHOOSE to cheat?"

oh, and even WITH a condom, you can still get an STI.

Maybe he is not happy and that's why he did it. I don't know until we can talk when he comes home.

In the meantime I need to think about whether I can forgive him and if I would be able to trust him again - at the moment I'm not sure I would.

Just take your time. Try to decide where your line in the sand is. This is your decision now.

The good* thing is that you have time to process this.

Cut comms and focus on your feelings and yourself for now.

*Good meaning not having to tell him to go

I don't think you have to decide yet on whether you could forgive him. Forgiving - if you can - is a process and will depend on how he now behaves.

If he tells you something along the lines "forget it, it doesn't matter", that won't help you to forgive him.

If, on the other hand, he is willing - for example - to follow through on getting a different job, if he is genuinely sorry, etc. maybe you may choose to forgive him in time.

It is you who should be getting to choose what happens and he who should be asking for forgiveness.

I've just had the following message from him:

I love you so much your the only girl I've ever felt love for, I made a mistake I didn't mean for it to happen but I can't take it back. I'm disgusted in myself buts it's done. I wish I could take it back but I cant, I'm so sorry.

Easy enough to say I suppose, yes I think it all hangs now on what he says when he gets back and his behaviour.

I really think that telling him you need some time without contact is the way to go. You could do without wondering when the next text will come.

Does he have contact with your son whilst he's away?

I made a mistake I didn't mean for it to happen but I can't take it back. I'm disgusted in myself buts it's done. I wish I could take it back but I cant

Ugh

So he takes no resoonsibility and says 3 times that you need to put it behind you.

Unless he ups his game significantly, you have no chance of getting past this.

Words are easy especially when typed. It's what he does in the days/weeks/months next that really matter. He needs to have consequences though even if you do plan to forgive. I would ask him to leave until you have thought things through. That is something that will make him think.

He is still minimising. It's done now, I can't take it back are all code for let's pretend this never happened.

The fact is, he only admitted it after you found out from someone else and confronted him. Otherwise, he would not have told you.

to your question?
yes of course.
good luck OP

The problem is of course, if he now learns that he will just get a bit of screaming from you for this, he knows he can do it again, at minimum discomfort to himself. And the people who told on him knows that you accept it too, so they wont bother telling you again.

Your call.

There's no chance for us really is there? I don't even know how my life came to this, I wish I could just switch off and not have to think about any of this.