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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP cheated. Can it ever just be a drunken mistake?

159 replies

BricksAtMyWindow · 10/11/2014 05:51

I found out last night. I'm devastated. We have a 6 month old and I can't believe he would do this. He swears it was a mistake, he was drunk and that he loves me and he'd never do it again.

We can't even talk face to face, he works away for 3 weeks at a time and isn't home for another week.

I don't know what to think. I feel so sick.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 10/11/2014 15:05

I really couldn't get past this especially with a young baby.

So it was a girl he met on a drunken night out?? It shows he has lack of willpower to say no, AND not to shag her and he's minimising by saying it was only a girl....

And someone else told you so basically the trust is gone as he never would have told you.

so what carlson and countless others have said. There will be a next time, he'll just get better at hiding it. Oh I'd still get myself tested as how do you know he's telling the truth when he says he used condoms?

SuperFlyHigh · 10/11/2014 15:06

OP just seen your last post. I don't know... maybe Relate... etc but for me it'd always be that he did it and knew he wouldn't get found out until someone else blabbed on him. Trust gone.

Vivacia · 10/11/2014 15:15

I wish I could just switch off and not have to think about any of this.

Please ask him to give you some time and space. I would ask him not to contact you until the day of his return, and then expect not to be stopping with you.

JustAShopGirl · 10/11/2014 15:18

if you mess around with foreplay before putting on a condom you can still catch STIs...

Condoms reduce the instance, they do not prevent.....

please get him to get tested and I would get yourself tested also, just in case it is not the first time...

Windywinston · 10/11/2014 15:36

How self absorbed is he? That message is all about him and implying that this massive thing, that is putting you through hell, is something that just happened to him. He's not even taking responsibility for it!

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 16:03

I am so sorry. He is a bastard to do this to you Thanks

carlsonrichards · 10/11/2014 16:07

There is no chance because he is minimising, not taking responsibility, pressuring you to forget about it, and, oh, he was happy to keep it from you until you found out from someone else. He's not sorry, he is sorry he got caught.

Hissy · 10/11/2014 16:16

even messing about with or without sex, with or without a condom IS cheating. he crossed a gazillion lines, and managed to shove you to one side hundreds if not thousands of times in his thought processes before he even touched her.

His last text message is a virtual shrug and a what ya gonna do eh?

What he should be saying is 'I am sorry, and will do anything to win you back, regain your trust, and even then know that I may lose you.

You need to tell him to leave you alone while you figure out what YOU want going forward.

he has to know you are GONE for now. that he has lost you for the time being, he needs to know that there are consequences.

Vitalstatistix · 10/11/2014 16:26

Alcohol does not change your personality. It does not make you capable of something that you are not capable of. It is only a disinhibitor. At best, it makes you less afraid of consequences.

He did what he did because he chose to. He chose to because he wanted to. I think that really he needs to stop with all the blaming it on drink and all the poor me crap and just accept responsibility for it.

He chose to be unfaithful. He knew what he was doing. The drink lowered his inhibitions enough that he didn't care.

He is not a man who would never cheat on you. He is a man who would cheat on you if the conditions are right.

What you choose to do is for you and you alone to decide, but please don't fall for that it was a mistake, I was drunk, you're my whole world baby... crap. He needs to accept responsibility for his choices. That's actual responsibility, not 'yeah but' responsibility.

hamptoncourt · 10/11/2014 16:48

You really cannot be sure he has used a condom so you will have to get an STI check I think.

So sorry you are going through this - it does sound like he just wants to brush it all under the carpet and press the reset button.

I could never trust again and wouldn't live like that. Thanks

hamptoncourt · 10/11/2014 16:50

Sorry, meant to say "used a condom or that it's the first time"

SuperFlyHigh · 10/11/2014 16:56

If it were me OP I'd be down the lawyers (where I work, not as a lawyer!) getting his cheating arse divorced and him pay for it.

Precisely as others have said because he doesn't seem sorry, isn't saying the right things etc...

he's a bloody sod to do this to you not only whilst he's working away (who's to say he won't do this next time) but with you at home with a young baby. I mean if his/your family found out I bet they wouldn't say "stay with him BRICKS". Or maybe they would.

he's just sorry he got caught and who knows if he'll do it again? given if the conditions were right etc.

NanooCov · 10/11/2014 18:46

So sorry he's put you through this. Only you can make the decision whether to carry on the relationship but for me it would be over. For the cheating itself. For the minimising (I was drunk, it didn't mean anything, I didn't mean for it to happen, etc). For the humiliation (he wasn't exactly discrete if a work colleague/friend was the one to tell you - not that it would have been any better had he been discrete). And for the knowledge he would never have told you had he not been found out.
I just couldn't get past all that.

carlsonrichards · 10/11/2014 18:56

'If it were me OP I'd be down the lawyers (where I work, not as a lawyer!) getting his cheating arse divorced and him pay for it.'

They are not married.

Original poster
BricksAtMyWindow · 10/11/2014 19:45

I have spoken to FIL, took DS to see him, he asked me if I was ok and I kind of fell apart, so he knows. He is fuming and mortified and supportive of whichever decision I make.

Had a couple of texts from DP today. I have asked for space for a few days to think and get my head around things, his response was:

Take all the time you need to and when you are ready we will talk. I just want to say this. What I have done to you is unforgivable. I am sorry, I know that doesn't make it ok. I promise it will never happen again I can promise you that and I will prove it to you. I will prove to you that I love you and you only and always will whatever happens.

Again, easy enough things for him to say. Now I have just put DS to bed so I am turning off my phone in an attempt to sleep as I'm exhausted. Maybe then I will have a fresh head to think things over tomorrow. Thank you everyone for your input, you've given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 10/11/2014 19:49

Hope you get some rest OP.

carlsonrichards · 10/11/2014 19:50

Get some rest and some space. The fact will always remain, that he didn't tell you until his colleague grassed him up.

SoBlueDiamond · 10/11/2014 20:02

My GF cheated on me over a month ago, we have 2 DS's and now I can't stop thinking has it happens before and even are the boys mine. I just want it to go back to how it was. How do you fix something like that...

I feel your pain bricks.

Flowers
AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 20:32

I am sorry she did that to you, SoBlue

SoBlueDiamond · 10/11/2014 22:08

Thank you Any, so am I. Sad

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 22:16

Is she doing everything that you think she should to regain your trust ? It's also tough for men to be subject to infidelity as you also have the extra pain in the gut about possible paternity. How fucking horrible for you.

SuperFlyHigh · 11/11/2014 09:54

carlson I had thought they were married...

ah well even then I'd be getting legal advice

jasper · 11/11/2014 10:16

I completely disagree with those who say excess alcohol does not alter your basic personality.
It completely alters mine and also my DPs , so I have learned through bitter experience to moderate . Also disagree with those insisting he will do it again

Original poster
BricksAtMyWindow · 11/11/2014 10:16

I'm sorry this has happened to you too SoBlue Flowers

OP posts:
canweseethebunnies · 11/11/2014 12:10

I used to think that there was such thing as a genuine drunken mistake, as I have done similar myself in the past, but...

Looking back: a) I was young and didn't take my relationships seriously b) I drank too much.

I don't think it's an acceptable defence in this situation. You have a 6 month old baby. I think it's pretty unforgivable.