DP cheated. Can it ever just be a drunken mistake?

[BricksAtMyWindow]

I found out last night. I'm devastated. We have a 6 month old and I can't believe he would do this. He swears it was a mistake, he was drunk and that he loves me and he'd never do it again.

We can't even talk face to face, he works away for 3 weeks at a time and isn't home for another week.

I don't know what to think. I feel so sick.

Yes a betrayal can be just a drunken moment of idiocy.

However, and this is the question, did it mean anything to him?

Agree this is not the question. The questions are:

1. why did he do it? (really why and not what flannel he comes out with).

is the root cause soluble (lack of intimacy in yr relationship, a drink problem hiding something else) or temporary (eg.depression, cry for attention) or is it a permenant issue(selfish, sex addict, indemic cheater)?

1. how do you feel about it and what do you want to do? Do you think it's a betrayal you can recover from? Or not?

I have to say though that in my experience (I've been an OW and have seen it around a lot in my work/social circle) that once someone, anyone does something and gets away with it (ie. is forgiven). They are very likely to do it again. Obviously, not always, but very very likely. It's human nature; evolution of boundaries or inadvertent boundary testing if you like.

You have to think seriously about whether you'll be able to trust him again. If there's no trust then there's no relationship. If someone else hadn't told you then you wouldn't have known so your trust in him was completely misplaced. He didn't only cheat. He lied about it by not being the person to tell you. Ask him to give you some space and surround yourself with RL friends you can trust until you work out what to do next.

Yes he told me did wear a condom. I didn't ask him to not go out anymore (I would also never do that), he said that he will not be going out anymore. Yes he would change jobs if I asked him to

I wouldn't put myself through trying to regain the trust again, it's soul destroying and to be honest, you never get it back fully, there's always that niggle.

You, and he, are trying to control this by saying he won't go away again, you can't. If you can't trust him to work away, you can't trust him. Men getting sex at home cheat too, men sleeping at home every night cheat too. They have a bit more opportunity if they work away, but they have the same ability to put their marriage before having sex with ransoms, IF they want to.

Without trust, what's the point?

The real question you want to ask yourself is if you want him now that you know he is a cheat with low morals and no respect for you, and that he does not love you and your child enough to stay faithful.

It is a bit late to do "anything you ask"

IF you decide to take him back! then refuse to have sex with him until he's had a full sexual health check. It's the sensible thing to do and it shows him how little you think of his 'word' right now. Also, it won't hurt to have him go through something unpleasant as a consequence of not keeping it to himself.

I agree I probably will never trust him fully again. I can't even begin to think of the practicalities of us separating. It makes my head hurt.

So he was sober enough to think of contraception, just not you? I mean if he did use a condom, great, but he's still not coming out of this smelling of roses.

I agree absolutely with AF, the only thing that will stop a person cheating is their own conscience.

So he planned it then if he had bought condoms first?

Remember that you are not obligated to make an instant decision. You can take your time to reflect. You are perfectly entitled to get back together with him, and then decide at later date that it isn't working. It's probably best not to make such an important decision while your head is all over the place.

I do believe that drunken mistakes can happen. I also believe that if two people are prepared to work hard enough it is possible to overcome something like this. I also believe that an affair doesn't always mean that your partner doesn't love you.

It really depends on two factors, what you want and whether or not he is prepared to make the effort to get to where you want to be.

He might not have bought the condoms, the other person might have provided them.

Sorry you are going through this, OP.

You may find it helpful to read How Can I Ever Trust You Again as you work though your feelings on whether his ONS is a dealbreaker or not.

Alcohol doesn't erase entire people from your lives. He knew you existed whilst he was buying condoms and going off to have sex with someone else. You're being taken for a fool imo. He's going to do it again.

I've been presented with the 'opportunity' to cheat while blind drunk but still thought 'hmm, best not'. I was still well aware I was in love with my DP (and that he still existed) and that cheating on him would destroy us, even though I could barely say my name without slurring like a tit.

If I didn't care about him much I imagine it would have been much easier to go ahead and do it.

Yes I don't think he bought the condoms but I'm not sure that's a good point I'll ask him that. I'm not ready to make a decision yet but it's probably a blessing that he's away for now as I have some space to think. I think I'm more inclined to try and work through things and see how we go. As you say Myearhurts I could always decide at a later date that it is not working, but I do feel it's worth trying to save our relationship if it can be saved.

"It didn't mean anything" - please don't accept that. Why her, why then?

A night out far from home, bored/lonely/playing at alpha male with his mates? Maybe this was an aberration. Perhaps the single most stupid thing he'll ever do in your relationship. You say he hasn't minimised this. I would still wonder what prompted it. Whether he half hoped you'd call it a day.

If it didn't mean anything then that is worse, it proves he will do it again when he's under the influence because it doesn't mean anything.

Wow... really, does it matter if someone showered free condoms upon him, then a naked lady walked up to him and said "you may as well use these" and he was pissed out of his head so thought "why the hell not"

NO - stop making excuses for him as to why it may have been so easy for him to betray you.

I'm not making excuses for him at all but I suppose it does make a difference if he bought the condoms first as if he intended to do it.

it would show slightly more calculated forward planning, yes

but are you in a position to believe his answer if you ask who supplied the contraceptive ?

you can't even be sure they definitely used condoms

Only you know if this relationship is worth working on. Whilst I refute the notion of a drunken mistake, I wish you well.

You have a difficult road ahead of you if you try to work it out with DP, so be kind to yourself and never let your feelings, fears and needs be minimised. Remember he screwed up not you.

I don't think it makes any kind of difference.

He could have pre planned it hours or days ago and already bought the condoms,

He could be a serial cheater and already have them with him

or she could have provided the condom, and he put it on.

Either way... he was there, doing it and thinking about it.

The purchase of the condom is really irrelevant, obviously to you it isn't, but you do seem to be coming up with any reason you can to defend his actions.

So why not just do what you want anyway.

It won't be any easier even if you trivialize it as much as he is.

Like windywinston said - only you know if it's worth working on.

I agree that it's good that you have some time apart right now for you to process this. I wouldn't ask any further questions - especially not about the condoms - until you are able to actually see his reaction, face to face. Only then, from that reaction, will you be able to start to decide if you can get past this betrayal. If you feel then that you're getting the full truth, you can make choices. As has been said, nothing will be set in stone if you decide to try to put this behind you, and it doesn't work.

I think you love him so much you will take him back regardless of the condom outcome.

I can tell you though that the consequences of his cheating so far are nil. I mean your not planning to punish him in Any way are you? Your just going to let him come home?

Also I do think people can have one night stands when they are drunk. My friend who never usually would but did, only because she was paralytic and the man took advantage of that. However a man in an equal state to the one I'm talking about would not even get an erection. So from that end I do think he knew what he was doing. I think he just thought you would never find out.

Be prepared to turn into the green eyed monster when he is out now. You will be wondering what he's doing, worried that he will make another drunken mistake etc

It's not much to ask for fidelity when everything is going well in a relationship. If your relationship was a wreck then I sometimes understand why it happens.

Good luck

If he's away for 75% of the time, you all are living separate lives and it will happen again.

My friend who never usually would but did, only because she was paralytic and the man took advantage of that.

Quitelikely -it sounds to me as if your friend may have been raped.