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Original poster

DP cheated. Can it ever just be a drunken mistake?

159 replies

BricksAtMyWindow · 10/11/2014 05:51

I found out last night. I'm devastated. We have a 6 month old and I can't believe he would do this. He swears it was a mistake, he was drunk and that he loves me and he'd never do it again.

We can't even talk face to face, he works away for 3 weeks at a time and isn't home for another week.

I don't know what to think. I feel so sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
BricksAtMyWindow · 10/11/2014 09:43

It's not someone he works with, just a girl he met on a night out (not that that makes it any better). No he's not saying that he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing. It didn't mean anything and he's not 'seeing' her (again not that that makes it any better).

He is due to finish this job shortly after xmas if not before. I think I would find it easier to rebuild trust once he is home for good but I'm not sure and not sure if that's what I want

OP posts:
ihatebats · 10/11/2014 09:44

yes it can and i'm sorry but I do think it can be a simple mistake sometimes.

I also don't agree that just because he is working away he is more likely to do again etc.

People have affairs sleep around right under their partners noses and sometimes people have long distance relationships and they both remain faithful.

Sickoffrozen · 10/11/2014 09:47

You also have a 6m old child.....something he seemingly didn't think about when shagging someone else.

I know what I would be doing but I'm not you.

Your relationship will never be the same whatever you decide to do.

TheHermitCrab · 10/11/2014 09:48

Oh well as long as it didn't mean anything to him it's all well and good isn't it....

So he bangs someone he doesn't care about and doesn't mean anything to him, despite having a partner and child...

My lord I'd rather the person meant something to him and he had a "genuine" reason for having sex with someone else.

Why perform the ultimate betrayal with someone who "meant nothing"

Think you should have a long think about what you actually mean to him too.

Original poster
BricksAtMyWindow · 10/11/2014 09:57

I don't think he has done it before as I probably would of heard as I did this time, obviously I can't be sure but he tells me he hasn't anyway.

No he wouldn't of told me if I hadn't of find out. I don't think many people would come clean to be honest.

Not really sure where we go from here at all

OP posts:
TheHermitCrab · 10/11/2014 10:02

Only you can make the decision despite what any of us think.

For me a kiss is a deal breaker, end of, no excuse ever. Once trust is gone, it's gone, and once one betrayal is forgiven, it's easy to repeat.

For others they really can separate meaningless sex from everything and start fresh. For me, never, I would always imagine my parter has had his dick in someone else, while I was home, with his child, I would imagine everyday that he did that, without caring about me at all. And that's just unforgivable.

We are all different. Only you can know how you feel about it and what to do.

Joysmum · 10/11/2014 10:03

So why did it happen, what can change do it doesn't happen again?

How good is your relationship?

newstart15 · 10/11/2014 10:05

Having worked in a male dominant corporate where lots of affairs happened I don't believe it's a drunken mistake. The 'falling into bed' starts with flirting and then a night out with alcohol is the catalyst. At various stages he would have had the opportunity to have stopped anything happening. I think he gave himself permission to sleep with this OW.

I think you are in a very difficult situation as how will you feel when he's away again?

Original poster
BricksAtMyWindow · 10/11/2014 10:14

It's not someone he knows through work, she is a local who he had met that night, so it was a one night stand kind of thing. Our relationship is (was) good, obviously it is difficult to maintain as he is away so much but as the job was only for a year tops we decided that we could live with that.

He will possibly only do one more rotation after this one then he will he home for good. I don't think this would of happened had he not been working away

OP posts:
Windywinston · 10/11/2014 10:14

He may have woken up the next day and thought "shit, I shouldn't have done that", but at the time he wanted to do it. He gave himself permission and there's very little stopping him from doing that again. That's why it's not a mistake IMHO.

He may never betray you again and it might only have ever happened once, you'll never really know. Only you can decide whether once is enough for you to walk away. Fwiw, I'd love to say I'd never forgive this, but it's an easy thing to say if you've never been in your situation.

Joysmum · 10/11/2014 10:19

Well, plenty of people of work through it and the mistrust and hurt is worth it because they do to want to be without. Plenty more people subsequently realise this is the tip of the iceberg and that their partners continue to not have them as the priority. Other choose to walk away immediately as it was a deal breaker.

One thing that's for sure, things with never ever be the same and you'll be the one carrying this, not him.

Wolfbasher · 10/11/2014 10:23

I think the deal breaker for me would be that he didn't tell you about it.

If he had come back and told you straight away, been appalled at himself, been ashamed and immediately taken control of his own actions (decided to stop drinking, to avoid those type of social situations, to cut 'work nights out' short or give them a miss altogether) then I think there might be a discussion to be had.

But

  • he didn't tell you about it
  • he minimised it ("a drunken mistake")
  • he's being reactive, not proactive, not initiating any change

I think that I would lose respect for him, quite apart from the infidelity issue -I would not feel the same about him, because he would always seem a weak-willed, morally-grey sort of person.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/11/2014 10:28

I'm afraid, in my experience, a very very high proportion of people who are in these kind of working away jobs where they all in it together (is it oil?) are cheating or have cheated. A very very high proportion. And that comes from the mouth of a man who did just that to me.

carlsonrichards · 10/11/2014 10:32

He may not have done it had he not been working away, but he did. Then he hid it from you. Now he is minimising.

Ihatechoosingausername · 10/11/2014 10:35

The 'mistake' bit was probably you finding out

whatisforteamum · 10/11/2014 10:37

this very thing happened to me 25 yrs ago.My Dh (we were not married then only living together) cheated on me after a night at the pub.
I only found out by going on at him about his hangover and black eye.I was gutted and didnt know whether to sell the house we had bought the yr before.I then decided it wasnt worth throwing away our otherwise good relationship for a one off.He has never done it again to my knowledge.
Only you know if the relationship is worth saving.

Original poster
BricksAtMyWindow · 10/11/2014 10:37

No not in oil but similar set up yes. He said he's not going out anymore (we shall see). I said if we stay together then it will take a long long time for me to trust him again. His response was 'I'm willing to do whatever it takes'

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 10/11/2014 10:39

I agree with Wolfbasher

What has he said he will do to try to get through this?

I don't think you can assume you would have heard of previous indiscretions. Kudos to your friend for telling you because a lot of people would find that a very difficult thing to do (as shown on threads on here) and clearly he never would have told.

One thing that doesn't get mentioned enough on here is the sexual health issue. If he was so drunk he slept with someone else, was he responsible enough to use a condom? If not, then he would have come home, not told you, slept with you and possibly given you something. That is just so, so wrong. I think that is what I would find most difficult to forgive.

Original poster
BricksAtMyWindow · 10/11/2014 10:39

I don't think he is trying to minimise it, 'drunken mistake' are my words not his

OP posts:
QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 10:40

If sex with this woman did not mean anything, why was it more important than you?

Sex with somebody is never a mistake. Have you ever seen two random strangers meet and BOOM, they are suddenly naked having sex? It does not happen that way. There was a build up, this type of build up takes time, where he had a choice whether to proceed or not. He proceeded, quite openly, so openly that he has embarrassed you in addition to cheating on you.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 10:41

So, he is going to sit in digs (or whatever it is) while everyone else goes out enjoying themselves ? Yeah, that'll last long (and I wouldn't even ask that of him)

Unfortunately, IMO, the chance he had to prove himself a trustworthy person was destroyed forever when he chose to have sex with another woman

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 10:41

'I'm willing to do whatever it takes'

Even change jobs and work a normal job locally?

Jan45 · 10/11/2014 10:43

Sorry but he did it because he wanted to, drink does not make you do anything you don't deep down want, unless it's against your will of course.

So, you can't trust him to behave if he has a drink and you can't trust what he now tells you - basically it's not a mistake, it's a big massive elephant now between the two of you that he has put there, whether or not you can get past this is up to you and only time will tell, a lot will depend on HIS actions now towards you but tbh, the damage has already been done no matter how you try putting sticky tape over it.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2014 10:44

Change jobs, stop drinking, stop going out, put a lock on his undercrackers blah blah blah. It's all a complete smokescreen

The only thing that stops a person cheating is their own conscience.

Qresident · 10/11/2014 10:47

Alcohol lowers your inhibition threshold. It doesn't change you into a different person completely, just helps reveals certain parts of one's nature. I'm sorry OP, but I think that this 'drunken mistake' is not isolated. Perhaps you can work through this, but he has shown his true colours. Hope you can find a solution, but don't let this incident be played down.