Has anyone ended up dating/in relationship with their long term doctor/dentist?

[beaglesaresweet]

Not a very serious thread meaning I can get over my attraction to the guy, but I keep wondering 'what if'.

I know that in the UK people see it as nearly a crime for a medic to ask their patient out (or respond to being asked), so has anyone managed to go around that? If it helps the guy I'm attracted to in in private sector. I see him only about once a year for check-ups, an odd treatment so it's not like I'm dependent on him for anything serious. I always liked him and felt the chemistry (known him for many years!) but I've been in relationships before, and also I knew he was married. On couple of recent visits, I felt there was a lot more mutual attention and chemistry, maybe because we are both single? I don't know if he is, just getting more of a vibe than before.

If it's a no-go, I must try to ignore it but I'd love it if he asked me out. He knows my mob number, but I don't know his obviously. He wouldn't though, would he. Anyway, if anyone has positive stories, let me know, just curious.

Cinnabar - condolences.

Separately, am I the only one that gets irritated when people pitch up to a thread and obviously haven't read the previous postings?

I mean I understand that we are all busy and even I do a fair amount of scrolling but at least I usually get the tenor of the thread and what people are saying. But this:

stylist for my boys
All men like to be liked & I doubt your Dr would be any different. So what of the GMC blah blah blah. Bore on. Ask him out straight & get an answer

Was exactly what someone had said earlier. In response to that, I had cut & pasted the GMC rules on this here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2230382-Has-anyone-ended-up-dating-in-relationship-with-their-long-term-doctor-dentist?pg=3

which clearly state - in a massive amount of detail - that a drs REGISTRATION is at risk. This is not a jokey optional "titter ye not, fnaaar fnaarr" better-not-date-a-patient issue; it is a fundamental and serious regulatory rule of the medical profession. It's the law of the profession; break this law and you cannot practice, we will strike you off.

More to the point, a dr is NOT PERMITTED to terminate a dr/patient relationship for the purposes of pursuing a relationship.

Although I hadn't read the rules at the time I gave my initial advice, I still stand by it. Beagles - you have two options:

1. Forget it. [100% best advice]

1. IF you can't forget it AND IF he is single (which it would be sensible to establish first), terminate the dr/patient relationship yourself .

Tell him as you leave your very last appointment, you are terminating the relationship but make clear its not because of anything he has done/not done.

I'd initially suggested that you should allude in very neutral terms as to why you were doing so and leave the door open. Having seen the GMC rules, it may be better to leave it a bit before doing so - let a few months go by and maybe write him a very short note. However, the advantage of a general allusion to why it is at the time is that you are doing so face to face and you'll get a sense of his reaction (the sweeping look of horrror crossing his face! ).

I still say leave it alone though.

Beaglesaresweet Is it more a case of wanting what you can't have? The trill is in the pursuit rather than the reality? It could be transference, having found your doctor is someone who is attentive, friendly and charming. They are traits that some people find attractive but he may be like that with all his patients.
Presumably single rural doctors travel, go on conferences, training siminars etc so get the opportunity to meet other single people. All the doctors I know have spent years studying, training, working long internships and on specialist training schemes that last years, it is unlikely that they would risk their whole livelihood in pursuit of an attraction to a patient. There may be the exception to the rule but they are few and far between. I believe that dentists have as much responsibility as doctors to maintain professional standards and boundaries

Beaglesaresweet fwiw I'm you're making the right decision and moving on.

Imo not I'm!

Thanks again, Self, for letting me know what the rules are precisely, I've noticed that drs are not even permitted to terminate prof care for the purpose of starting relationships, so it's very useful to know, my thinking was opposite to that (and as been said, it's the case in countries like Spain so could be forgiven). As I said, I will try option one (forget it), just need to cool down from last week's visit, then see how I feel in a while.
I'm really not delusional, I never said that I'm convinced he is attracted to me, I just really like him and would have liked a chance to see if it could work (I can't possibly know that we are compatible without dating him or at least socialising as a start) - all it was is seeing if there is a way of going out with him, but it's now been confirmed that no it isn't, unless I initiate in a brazen way and be likely knocked back. Self, I'm not sure I could take this very long stretched-out route (leaving, waiting while not even in contact with him), that's why Stylist makes sense - that at least I'd get a quick knock back answer, not sure I'm that brave.
Cinnabar, I'm sorry about the tragic story of your Dad. You;ve misunderstood (I probably didn't put it very well) - when I say 'can see the bigger picture' I meant I'm more likely to step back from the whole thing if I don't see it in the intense way of negative posters, and to feel ok about my attraction (as it can happen towards any person) as a result of posts like Stylist's (light hearted and advising to go for a quick answer). Judgemental posts make people dwell more and to feel really bad about themselves even though they ve done precisely nothing wrong, it's just a discussion/gathering information because I am careful about actions. It's also just to chat and hear other's experiences which helps to stop thinking in circles, much of the 'relationships' section is based on that.
Sweets, maybe part of the attraction is that he is unobtainable, and I'm absolutely sure that he is friendly and charming to all patients. It's only recently that I felt that I'm attracted and it may be mutual (or at least he's noticed and is finding it a little flattering) cause I can usually tell if someone fancies me, but of course I know full well that it doesn't mean he has any wish to act on it.
Anyway, thanks to all helpful posters, it's been a learning curve and a bit of a kick back to reality.

Read this thread title and thought that it sounded really obsessive and thought, no, give it a read and give it a chance. And I still think that. OP, are you mistaking being attracted to this man because he is a doctor/dentist specifically? That is what your thread title suggests.

We all get attracted to people now and then but social etiquette kind of stops us acting on it unless we are in an appropriate social setting. That also applies, as pointed out repeatedly, to doctor/patient relations. Adults tend to know all this already - it does sometimes happen with pupils and teachers, which is bad enough, but at least one of the parties is too young to know any better.

Your implied suggestion that he knows your mobile number and would love it if he asked you out is so cringeworthily inappropriate its embarrassing. No decent professional would risk using a private number obtained for work reasons to try to date. I can't believe you think there is a chance, however small, that a doctor or dentist, or whatever would do this.

I have quite a few friends who are doctors and they tell the most awful stories about infatuated patients who are clearly only attracted to the money and prestige and who are a nightmare because they are so inappropriate and obviously hopeful of something happening. They tend to use the phrase "bunny boilers". Meanwhile, my female friend/doctors just laugh at the wallet chasers and say if they knew how little they really earned, they wouldn't bother!

As suggested above, its easy to leave the practice, but that of course would mean you no longer have any contact with this man, and you know he isn't attracted enough to you to ask you out, so you won't do that. And so on it goes...

You could always try and meet this man socially - doctors don't just socialise with other doctors you know, but - do you actually have anything in common upon which any form of attraction might arise (on his side)? At all?

hi Chelsy, yes I know it's cringe if you are looking on and not involved yourself. You can say the same about couples with big age gaps for example too, or those who are attracted to a knowingly married man (isn't that hugely inappropriate?).
I can imagine all sort of stories of patients making a fool of themselves, i'd like to hear some actually - the difference here is, I haven't done anything. Even if he suspects that I fancy him (recently), he can't be absolutely sure as I haven't done anything obvious though he can probably sense I like him, still he may think I just like him as a person. I'll repeat again that in some countries it's not so strict - someone from Spain on here said it was not a rare thing once they stop treating a (non-vulnerable) patient. So saying that an idea crossing a woman's is cringeworthy is a bit much - it's what you are conditioned to that plays a role. And yes, him phoning me was a very much 'fantasy' idea, I said I'd love this to happen but I know it's not going to (and knew it before, it's just silly wishful thinking). I wanted to know more about how strict the whole thing is, and now I know. I really wouldn't want to embarrass him or myself that's why I came for advice, knowing that it's likely to be discouraging.

Haha, re wallet chasers! my exH was wealthy (more than most doctors would be unless a dr is the best brain surgeon or something) and since then I 've learned to actively avoid wealthy men as they are prone to be controlling, absolutely not the case. And tbh I didn't even think that he would be wealthy from his work, they must be paying a lot towards the practice (hugely expensive rent) and what he charges isn't astronomical. I just like the guy - is it hard to believe? He's not a great looker in some people's book but I like his face and love his sense of humour.

No idea about mutual hobbies, that's why I said that I'd be very happy with socialising for a while but see no way of how I can do that (some other drs mention their hobbies in their VT, but nothing on his page), it's not a small town where you can find him in a club. Sense of humour in common, that's all I know. Anyway I will have to try and distract myself.

step away from the doctor OP. Please. there are no happy endings.

the only way I see doctors etc having relationships is with each other or they meet other people outside work. Certainly NOT as a patient.

I would hate to be a Doctor's wife or girlfriend, when there are so many delusional female patients out there

My brothers wife is a GP and she's had her fair share of nutter male patients who think there's a special attraction between them. She obviously keeps to patient confidentiality but tales of their behaviour has given us many chuckles over family meals over the years.

I've experience of being the doctor, not the wife, but generally flirty patients are perceived on a scale from awkward to funny to bonkers finishing with scary. Nobody ever finds it attractive.

In no way would I be bothered about my husband being snared by an attractive female patient - I'd be more worried about us attracting a stalker!

selfloathing I read the thread fully prior to posting. I disagreed with a lot of what people were saying. Your interpretation of GMC rules is rather amusing. You can cut & paste as much as you like, but that will not stop me from giving my opinion. As OP is not a Dr, she is not bound by the terms of the Hippocratic oath as you suggest. It is the Doctor who abides by this. OP can change Dr's and ask him out, it really is that simple. Trust me.....

So saying that an idea crossing a woman's is cringeworthy is a bit much - it's what you are conditioned to that plays a role.

No, really OP, its not people being "conditioned", its you being delusional.

(Its not Spain either but I can assure you that rules of professional practice apply just as much to Spanish doctors as the rest of the EU and most of the world).

Just change doctors, then send him a message and see how you get on? Problem solved. Or is that too obvious/simple?

Chelsy, I was thinking about doing that (your last sentence) but then Self has posted the GMS stuff about all the hurdles even if patient is a former patient (i.e. proving I wasn't vulnerable, the fact I was a long term ieven though infrequent one, and also risk of someone reporting him), I'm still confused on this as what you and Stylist say is still against the quoted GMS.

Stylist, are you a lawyer? you are very confident about the rules issue. I agree that I'm not bound by anything and it's not illegal, the only question was would he be reported etc if he responded to me in a positive way even if I left the practice. Still a grey area. I've pm'd you btw (no obligation to reply obv).

Kundry - I'd like to hear some stories as it can be funny, though men are probably much more obvious when they flirt. I don't think I'm obviously flirty.

Anyway, I'll see for now if i can step away, Super.

OP - I know you want a happy ending and it's ok on the continent but the point most are trying to make is its not ok here (in UK) and the doctor etc could get into serious trouble/struck off etc.

I think if you knew for sure he could either handle the consequences (and you too) or you met another way etc then that would be perfect. but it's not that way, as others have stated even if you leave the practice there could still be repercussions.

I would, sort of, in your shoes want to find out if he's interested, but how to do that?

Oh poor OP i have cringed on your behalf reading the replies. I think people have read your question in the wrong context and everyone has pounced on you.....i hope you are ok.

Do you live in Spain, OP?

I suggest you get a little more cynical about it. Admire him when you meet, but be aware all the time that that friendly manner he has is his professional persona. It isn't the real him. When you think he is being more friendly than usual, he may just be reflections back the way you are behaving to him.

So admire but keep a level head.

sonja, yes this has crossed my mind, in fact once a couple of years ago he was in not-so-good mood, very unusual (maybe he had something going on in his life) and a nurse told me that he can be a bit up and down though of course mainly up, but I'm like that myself, just shows though that he is not some perfect specimen! But yes, of course I don't really know and even the nurse may not know the worst, so I did say I can only be sure of anything if we dated but for that I'd need to take drastic steps and be quite sure, so it's a bit of a catch 22. Who knows, he may be very grumpy after his cheery performance all day long.
thanks, ROUND, I'm ok of course, some balanced posts here too and I did expect some people pouncing, not pleasant but a few helpful posters made it worth it.
Super, I think I could only tell that (without being direct) if I see him outside work somewhere and then his face would either show pleasure in seeing me or just neutral politeness. But bumping into him as if by chance could be too obvious.
Anyway I think this thread should be coming to an end as all options have been discussed, just didn't want latest posts go unanswered.

As OP is not a Dr, she is not bound by the terms of the Hippocratic oath as you suggest.

I never suggested the OP was bound by the GMC rules (modern medical students don't actually formally take the Hippocractic oath anyway!)

My point was that the Dr is bound - so will inevitably say no if the OP asks him out whilst still a patient.

It is the Doctor who abides by this. OP can change Dr's and ask him out, it really is that simple.

If you are able to read, you will see that's basically what I said. But that unlike you, I was saying that if there is the remotest chance of a yes, the OP needs to terminate the relationship first. She needs to terminate it and before she asks him out - preferably well before.

Your interpretation of GMC rules is rather amusing.

It's not my interpretation. It's what they say. You plainly can't read - either the GMC rules or what I wrote. Date a current patient = breach of rules. Terminate patient relationship yourself for purpose of dating =breach of rules.

No "interpretation". Black letter wording.

Oh dear, Selfloathing, you've been cutting & pasting again to try and prove a point. Hilarious how you have commented twice on my reading ability. Look inwardly before you project, it is very telling, I suggest that you need to think prior to posting. I am getting rather embarrassed engaging with your tedium. Alas, I permit you to have the last word, go for it- Enlighten us with your wisdom...

It's not going to come to an end until you marry him and have his babies, if you don't start part 2 someone else will!

Speaking as someone who doesn't fancy her GP or her dentist, I would far rather they weren't fucking their patients (or even ex patients) if I'm honest.

Really? Personally, I don't have any opinions on what my doctor gets up to in his private life. It isn't any of my business. As long as he is professional and behaves appropriately to me, I don't really care.

I would rather the HCPs I interact with were aware of appropriate professional boundaries, not sleazes and skanks who were flirting with the patients before me in the waiting room.

But good for you. You're obviously very cool.

All so stalkerish. Ewwww.

Some doctors go after their patients. Mine did.