Has anyone ended up dating/in relationship with their long term doctor/dentist?

[beaglesaresweet]

Not a very serious thread meaning I can get over my attraction to the guy, but I keep wondering 'what if'.

I know that in the UK people see it as nearly a crime for a medic to ask their patient out (or respond to being asked), so has anyone managed to go around that? If it helps the guy I'm attracted to in in private sector. I see him only about once a year for check-ups, an odd treatment so it's not like I'm dependent on him for anything serious. I always liked him and felt the chemistry (known him for many years!) but I've been in relationships before, and also I knew he was married. On couple of recent visits, I felt there was a lot more mutual attention and chemistry, maybe because we are both single? I don't know if he is, just getting more of a vibe than before.

If it's a no-go, I must try to ignore it but I'd love it if he asked me out. He knows my mob number, but I don't know his obviously. He wouldn't though, would he. Anyway, if anyone has positive stories, let me know, just curious.

that was supposed to be brackets, not bold.

OP I really dont mean to be rude but it sounds like youre getting in a bit deep about something that is really rather meaningless here. So he was nice to you, he smiled a lot, maybe he was in a good mood.

I'm a doctor. It's a complete no no for all of us.

The gmc can and does strike people off for this
You can read the judgements on their website as they are public. I recall reading one where a GP started a relationship with a patient after their husband died. It was a decent interval later, the patient changed to another practice and it was clearly a real consensual relationship as they were still together and had got married. However the gps colleagues reported her (yes it was a female GP) and even though the patient did not complain and indeed gave evidence to say they were not coerced the GP was sanctioned. Not struck off but at least suspended. It was said that the patient was vulnerable due to bereavement and that the Gp had got to know them through professional visits and this was enough to justify a sanction for bringing the profession into disrepute.

So colleagues can report you
The other person who might report you is the patient themselves
Say that it is a consensual relationship but it ends for whatever reason and they are bitter and want to get back at you what better way than to report you to the gmc saying they were coerced. Their word against yours

In the case of the A&E Dr it would still not be advised but if you were only treating the person once and will never do so again which is likely in an A&E situation then there is less chance that you could have undue influence. In your case where he had been seeing you long term there is much more chance of him 'grooming' you or it being seen as that.

It would be extremely unwise of this guy to start anything up or even to flirt with you. Certainly he cannot be the one to initiate it. You will notice with the previous posters friend and the A&E doc that she contacted him.

The only way you could take this further is if you left the practice completely, left it a decent interval of time and then contacted him yourself. Seems pretty unlikely to work out really.

Even when much younger and single I have really never, ever been attracted to a patient. They are just in a different category for me where I don't think in that way at all. Otherwise I couldn't examine people really as you are touching them in quite an intimate way sometimes. I have had a small number of patients mistake my professional care for them as personal though (and even one stalker!) I wonder if in reality that is what you are doing.

Altogether this is very unlikely to be a happy ending and my advice is to put it out of your mind.

It's quite common for middle aged women to get obsessed with their doctor or dentist. I've often read about nutter women getting warned for stalking/harassment of their doctor.

See if he's on Facebook and friend request -if he accepts a friend request you may be in with a chance, if not, you'll have your answer

See if he's on Facebook and friend request -if he accepts a friend request you may be in with a chance, if not, you'll have your answer

100% no to this. This is very bad advice and divorced from the reality of professional practice.

Firstly it's a bit creepy stalking.
Secondly, he will definitely say no - because you are his patient not his friend.

Of all the advice on here, I would prioritize that of mamadoc's

beaglesaresweet,
I think you are confusing his concern and empathy towards you as feelings towards you.
I hate to burst your bubble, but it's part of his job to be warm and welcoming towards patients. But sometimes patients misread the 'signals'.

I think if you were to approach him you would embarrass him and yourself.
But don't feel bad - It's a common mistake that patients make apparently.

Are you a bit lonely perhaps?

But self-if he says no (which he probably will) then Op will have her answer

Good idea, send him a friend request on Facebook & see if he accepts. He's a man who'll most probably be flattered & decline at worst. All this GMC say this n that is not law! It is not illegal, go for it, then at least you'll know one way or another.

Don't send him a friend request on FB, for God's sake. That is terrible advice. You will get written off as a weirdy stalker (and rightly so)

For just this reason, may health care workers have all their settings private anyway.

*many

First, find out whether he's single.

If he's single, you can ask him whether he'd like to go out for drinks some day, or something like that.

Bear in mind, however, that if he says yes you'll have to find another doctor, as healthcare professionals can't be in personal relationships with their patients. If he says no - well, I'd find another doctor, because I'd be embarrassed to return, but you might not mind it and continue to see him as a patient.

But I don't think it's scandalous at all. The way some people react to it, you might think you were considering incest!

That said, I live in Spain. There doesn't seem to be such a horrendous taboo about healthcare professionals going out with patients here. As long as the patient initiates contact and changes practitioner, it's not a problem, and nobody sees it as weird in any way.

There is a very good reason why there is a "horrendous taboo" about this situation. The doctor/patient, by definition, is potentially open to abuse. These rules (some written, some not) are to protect the public, but also to protect the HCW from false allegations.

I meant doctor/patient interface sorry

I agree with you, AF. However, I do think that they are too strict. In case of genuine abuse - a doctor swindling a patient's widower, for example - medical and legal authorities become involved as soon as there is a complaint. And healthcare practitioners are barred from personal relationships with patients - however, as soon as a patient ceases to be so, there is usually no problem. And I don't think it's a bad system.

However, given that the OP is in Britain, the situation is more complex, yes. As a PP said, she would have to stop seeing this person as a patient and wait a certain period of time.

Please do not try to contact him.

I think you need to look at what's missing from your life.

Are you lonely/isolated/bored?

Please fix that and don't bother this poor man.

I don't think the guidelines are too strict.

There are plenty of men in the world, OP. Choose another one.

But self-if he says no (which he probably will) then Op will have her answer

Kits you are missing the point.

FB contact is weirdly stalking. It's "I've searched you out and although I don't know you in real life as a friend or in any way beyond professional contact, I'm trying to get you to make electronic FB friend contact with me". It's weird.

Say for the sake of argument, Mr Hot Dr is madly in love with OP, he would still say no to that request. It's what he would do. So a "no" on FB is (a) inevitable (b) stalking and (c) not an answer.

If (unlikely) Mr Hot Dr was seriously interested in OP AND (very very unlikely) wanted or was interested in developing a relationship with OP, it would have to be done openly and all above board. ie. their professional relationship terminated first. A pseudo-stalking cyber contact doesn't address this at all. And that's why it isn't an answer.

But mamadoc's comments above really echo what I was saying which is that drs don't really get into this kind of thing because of their code of conduct, professional rules and their mental attitude to patients.

Plus particularly with a long term patient there is even more risk it is abuse of a power teacher/pupil type dynamic.

Have you posted about this before? I remember another thread from way back by a poster obsessing over her dentist.

I remember that thread too, a couple of years ago.

All this GMC say this n that is not law!

To doctors, it's the same as the law!

It's the regulations of their profession.

Breach those regulations - you risk being fined, risk being struck off, risk your livelihood going forever.

I'm surprised by how little understanding there is here of the importance of the regulations of a profession to those who practice in it. It's NOT an optional choice! It's what you HAVE to do in order to maintain your licence/right/certification to practice in that profession.

I vaguely (Friend of a friend) know a dr who was struck off in his early 50s. It was utterly devastating for him. Lost his income and professional reputation in one go. Felt it was too late for him to retrain and he ended up with a serious drink problem and died when he was in his early 60s.

Yes, it is true that doctors once struck off don't have very many directions in career they can follow. You are trained for a very long time to do that one particular job and you would never get a post anywhere else.

This is what the GMC says. Note no. 7 below:

You must not use your professional position to pursue a sexual or improper emotional relationship with a patient or someone close to them.

2. In this guidance, we explain how doctors can put this principle into practice. Serious or persistent failure to follow this guidance will put your registration at risk.

Doctor-patient partnership

3. Trust is the foundation of the doctor-patient partnership. Patients should be able to trust that their doctor will behave professionally towards them during consultations and not see them as a potential sexual partner.

Current patients

4. You must not pursue a sexual or improper emotional relationship with a current patient.
5. If a patient pursues a sexual or improper emotional relationship with you, you should treat them politely and considerately and try to re-establish a professional boundary. If trust has broken down and you find it necessary to end the professional relationship, you must follow the guidance in Ending your professional relationship with a patient.†
6. You must not use your professional relationship with a patient to pursue a relationship with someone close to them. For example, you must not use home visits to pursue a relationship with a member of a patient’s family.

7. You must not end a professional relationship with a patient solely to pursue a personal relationship with them.

Former patients

8. Personal relationships with former patients may also be inappropriate depending on factors such as:
    a. the length of time since the professional relationship ended (see paragraphs 9–10)
    b. the nature of the previous professional relationship
    c. whether the patient was particularly vulnerable at the time of the professional relationship, and whether they are still vulnerable (see paragraphs 11–13)
    d. whether you will be caring for other members of the patient’s family.

You must consider these issues carefully before pursuing a personal relationship with a former patient.

Timing

9. It is not possible to specify a length of time after which it would be acceptable to begin a relationship with a former patient. However, the more recently a professional relationship with a patient ended, the less likely it is that beginning a personal relationship with that patient would be appropriate.

10. The duration of the professional relationship may also be relevant. For example, a relationship with a former patient you treated over a number of years is more likely to be inappropriate than a relationship with a patient with whom you had a single consultation.

Vulnerability of the patient

11. Some patients may be more vulnerable than others‡ and the more vulnerable someone is, the more likely it is that having a relationship with them would be an abuse of power and your position as a doctor.
12. Pursuing a relationship with a former patient is more likely to be (or be seen to be) an abuse of your position if you are a psychiatrist or a paediatrician.
13. Whatever your specialty, you must not pursue a personal relationship with a former patient who is still vulnerable. If the former patient was vulnerable at the time that you treated them, but is no longer vulnerable, you should be satisfied that:

the patient’s decisions and actions are not influenced by the previous relationship between you

you are not (and could not be seen to be) abusing your professional position.

OP, if you really like this bloke I suggest you leave him alone. If the above info doesn't convince you of that, then you really are in need of help.

Don't try to add him to FB, please! It's just embarrassing for everyone. Doctors and dentists are often fond of their patients and interested in them. Yes, that can get mistaken for more. I have NEVER heard of ANYONE fancying their patient. From the GMC;

Using social media also creates risks, particularly where social and professional boundaries become unclear. You must follow the guidance in Maintaining a professional boundary between you and your patient.

If a patient contacts you about their care or other professional matters through your private profile, you should indicate that you cannot mix social and professional relationships and, where appropriate, direct them to your professional profile.