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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a vile venomous bitch

127 replies

BeckySharpHasNothingOnMe · 02/11/2014 12:14

I've NC because I'm too embarrassed. Please don't flame me.
I've hurt my lovely, kind, generous, funny, easygoing, popular, optimist, supportive, loyal, understanding, non judgmental, best friend, one in a million, salt of the earth DP.
Yesterday morning I've just snapped. He was guilty of not answering to a petty text while he was out on Fri night. I called him pathetic, thick, stupid, idiot, excuse of a man, selfish prick, I told him he's dragging me down, that whithout me he'd be living on someone's sofa, that I'm fed up, that he's milking his DF passing away (yes I did sink this low) and feeling sorry for himself, that I want him to leave. And more. He stood there listening and looking at me with blank sad eyes.
I then stormed upstairs, realised what I've done and started sobbing. He came up, gave me a hug and I started apologising, he said it's fine and he forgives me. He then spent all day trying to cheer me up as I kept apologising.
I am absolutely devastated and crying my eyes out as I'm typing this. He's not home today.
I honestly don't know what got into me and I'd put it down to stress (which we had plenty of lately, not relationship related) but I feel that is so cowardly.
I don't think any of this about him but I know he will think I do. I've humiliated him and he's such a lovely sensitive person who appear strong on the outside and not give anything away.
Please tell me what to do to make up to him.

OP posts:
saintsandpoets · 02/11/2014 12:16

I'd be grovelling for a long, long time.

Please make sure this is a one off, because it is verbal abuse, and you are very lucky your DP has chosen to forgive you. Lots wouldn't, and shouldn't have to.

NewEraNewMindset · 02/11/2014 12:17

Hmmm I'm struggling to believe you didn't mean any of what you said, and you said a lot! When I'm furious with my partner a load of resentment is likely to fall out if my mouth but generally I don't just make stuff up.

Why do you think you attacked him quite so vehemently if you have none if those thoughts about him at all?

Annarose2014 · 02/11/2014 12:23

Yeah....that stuff wasn't just made up, whether you choose to believe it or not. It was a horrific cascade of verbal abuse, and your DH is now consoling you??? Oh Lord, haven't we seen this pattern before. The abused ends up being the counsellor.

I suggest you get yourself to a professional. Because you very well may snap again.

I also wonder if this has been the first time he's felt the side of your tongue. Maybe not to this vitriolic extent, but has your snappiness and impatience been escalating recently?

Original poster
BeckySharpHasNothingOnMe · 02/11/2014 12:26

I promise you I do not think any of these things. It's like some monster was talking through me. Like I really wanted to hurt him. I don't resent him at all, I have no reasons to, he is absolutely amazing and he worships the ground I walk on. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself but in the same time I'm worried that for those horrible 10 minutes I could turn into such a despicable creature.

OP posts:
CatKisser · 02/11/2014 12:27

That's some pretty awful stuff you said. I couldn't be with someone who "went for the jugular" in what should be minor disagreements. That poor man - they're the things you knew would hit him right in the gut.

MonanaGellar · 02/11/2014 12:29

It sounds like you are trying to offload responsibility by saying it was like a monster was talking through you. You chose the things you hurt him most because you were lashing out in anger. It's abusive.

DoughnutSelfie · 02/11/2014 12:31

Yes this is horrible for him

When we advise other posters about their situations we say when people tell you what they are really like, listen. I would be advising your husband to make his escape plan, to get his ducks in a row, to be careful.

Sorry

Original poster
BeckySharpHasNothingOnMe · 02/11/2014 12:35

I know this doesn't make things any better, but I've never done anything like this before. Not to this extent not too any extent. Ever.
That's not what I meant by saying it was like a monster was talking through me. Wrong choice of words. I was being a monster. I was being the despicable creature. I take full responsibility for it and I'm shocked and horrified.

OP posts:
PrettyPictures92 · 02/11/2014 12:38

Shock He was consoling you ?!?!?!

That poor poor man, I hope to god he gets away from you. Absolutely vile and disgusting, it's verbal abuse and nobody deserves that!!! And the "it's like a monster was talking through me" doesn't wash either. Plenty of women here have been through verbal, emotional and physical abuse and that reply is pretty much standard of an abuser. The whole "that wasn't the real me" is bullshit. That was the real you and you're desperate to backtrack now because it mean you're not a good person. The next thing will be, "I wouldn't be like that if you didn't make me do it" followed on by "it's all your fault, you're ruining my life" Angry

Angleshades · 02/11/2014 12:44

I've lost both my parents and if my partner turned round and said to me that I was 'milking my DF passing away' I would seriously have doubts about my future with him. I certainly would never ever forget that comment no matter how many apologies I received.

The things you said were very cruel and it sounds like you really intended to hurt him. It does sound like it was overkill though especially as it was all because of a non answered text. Do you think you have anger issues? You need to look deeper at why you said those things and what caused you to say them. Only once you understand the cause will you be able to address the underlying problem. It certainly needs addressing as more occurrences of this kind will ultimately lead to your separation.

Squidstirfry · 02/11/2014 12:48

You were obviously jealous that he was out without you, he didn't reply to a text and in your posessive jealous rage have attacked him
This will not be a one off. Your poor dp.

MonanaGellar · 02/11/2014 12:49

You aren't taking responsibility though. Your posts have comments in them typical of an abuser like saying it was the first time, you put it down to stress etc. You wanted to hurt him because him not texting back hurt you. I can't believe you let him console you and try and ease your guilt. Poor guy.

Original poster
BeckySharpHasNothingOnMe · 02/11/2014 12:49

You're all right to think terrible things about me. I'm not an abuser and I would never ever say to someone "you made me do it" regardless of what it would concern. I'm genuinely not that type of person. I said the monster thing was a bad choice of words and I am not trying to duck out of the responsibility in any way shape or form.

OP posts:
Squidstirfry · 02/11/2014 12:50

Abusers need to feel like their victim is at their constant beck-and-call therefore reassured that they are under control.
Just saying...

Nomama · 02/11/2014 12:55

Before you write yourself off as an utterly abusive bitch, go talk to your GP.

Many moons ago I was the Wicked Witch of the West, constantly. I had 2 days per month when I felt and acted like myself, the day my period started and the day after.

I changed contraception to control hormone surges and have been relatively calm ever since.

Recently I have had to change contraception and am living on tenterhooks, waiting for the witch to return.... I am not sure DH would be able to stand her any more.

It really may not be you. So, before you fall into a pit of self loathing, talk to your GP.

PrettyPictures92 · 02/11/2014 12:56

You are an abuser. You abused your dh. End of story.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 02/11/2014 12:57

He sounds amazing, I'll have his number! He doesn't deserve any of that and you need to read yourself the riot act as it was abusive.

If a woman came on here and said a man had said that it would probably be a LTB situ.

Original poster
BeckySharpHasNothingOnMe · 02/11/2014 12:57

I wasn't jealous. I trust him implicitly.
I said being the first time doesn't make things any better and I said I can't put it down to stress as that is cowardly. I didn't want him to ease my guilt.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 02/11/2014 12:59

That is very excessive and cruel over one unanswered text and you obviously stewed on it to have said it the next day.

Take a long hard look at yourself, that was you.

Your poor dp, he should leave as you clearly have no respect for him or consideration for his feelings, you are desperately trying to convince yourself that you should by listing all his good points but it's not enough is it?

SnapeChat · 02/11/2014 12:59

This reply has been deleted

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Vivacia · 02/11/2014 13:00

  1. Don't second guess him. If he tells you what he feels or believes you have to believe him.

  2. You must earn his regard for you and take this very seriously. Show him that you mean what you say and that you're earning his forgiveness. I'd be getting an emergency appointment with my doctor first thing tomorrow morning. This kind of "crisis" doesn't come from nowhere.

Hassled · 02/11/2014 13:01

I think it's way too simplistic to say she's an abuser - if this is a one-off and she's as appalled with herself as she sounds, it's hardly part of a pattern.

So why did you want to hurt him? All those many, many positives about him - do you worry that you don't live up to him, that you're unequal? Was bringing him down a way of building yourself up? How is your self-esteem?

And yes, get your hormone levels checked.

davejudgement · 02/11/2014 13:03

sounds to me like its your self esteem you are attacking and using him to transfer out how shite you feel about yourself.

Abusers suffer from severe lack of self esteem.

However, you should see a therapist

emotionsecho · 02/11/2014 13:04

So why did you do it OP? What went through your mind on Saturday morning?

IAmNotAMindReader · 02/11/2014 13:04

Take responsibility for your actions. You said them and yes you meant every word. You wanted to hurt your partner and it worked. You broke him down and made him crawl across broken glass to reassure you and make you feel better. That was you, all you nobody and nothing else on this earth forced you to, you chose to do this.
You emotionally abused your partner to the extent he felt he had to forget about his own hurt and the damage you caused him to console you.
That is not a normal reaction, that is the reaction of a person broken down desperately trying to fix things.

Look at yourself in the mirror, accept it wasn't an aberration, it was you and you would do it again in the right circumstances. Also look at your partner, look at the effect it has on him, how it steals a bit of him each time and how it destroys a bit of his live for you each time.

Now go and get some counselling as a matter of urgency and be brutally honest with them to get to the root of this.
Accept that in this process although you may work through your problem and become a better person, it may already be too late for your relationship and as a responsible adult you owe it to your partner to let him go with grace if the damage you have caused is already to great.

He will also need to work on why he accepts this from you and puts your needs before his own.

You both need to change but you are the only guilty party here as you are causing the damage to another while he is damaging himself trying to keep you happy.