I'm a vile venomous bitch

[BeckySharpHasNothingOnMe]

I've NC because I'm too embarrassed. Please don't flame me.
I've hurt my lovely, kind, generous, funny, easygoing, popular, optimist, supportive, loyal, understanding, non judgmental, best friend, one in a million, salt of the earth DP.
Yesterday morning I've just snapped. He was guilty of not answering to a petty text while he was out on Fri night. I called him pathetic, thick, stupid, idiot, excuse of a man, selfish prick, I told him he's dragging me down, that whithout me he'd be living on someone's sofa, that I'm fed up, that he's milking his DF passing away (yes I did sink this low) and feeling sorry for himself, that I want him to leave. And more. He stood there listening and looking at me with blank sad eyes.
I then stormed upstairs, realised what I've done and started sobbing. He came up, gave me a hug and I started apologising, he said it's fine and he forgives me. He then spent all day trying to cheer me up as I kept apologising.
I am absolutely devastated and crying my eyes out as I'm typing this. He's not home today.
I honestly don't know what got into me and I'd put it down to stress (which we had plenty of lately, not relationship related) but I feel that is so cowardly.
I don't think any of this about him but I know he will think I do. I've humiliated him and he's such a lovely sensitive person who appear strong on the outside and not give anything away.
Please tell me what to do to make up to him.

Ok, MN is now officially a horrible bitchy site.

Monana, do you enjoy kicking people when they are down?

Blimey is OP the only one who's ever said anything truly dreadful in a heated rage (albeit only over a text!)?

I'm sorry had to come back after reading the whole thread...therapy? relate? GP? Separation? After one vile outburst in an otherwise happy relationship. No bloody wonder the world is on internet dating sites and the divorce rate is sky high.

Becky. I'm beginning to feel a bit sorry for you. I ha ve to ask, are you a little jealous of your OH. By that I mean, his upbringing, his parants, his outlook on life as apposed to yours.
Another thing I have to ask: where are you in your monthly cycle. I know with my own D she can go crazy.
You sound like a nice person. I'm just trying to find a reason for this/these outbursts. I have a therapist friend and she says that all negative emotion comes from a place of fear. I haven't quite worked that one out yet.
Did you get a warning of this anger coming on. If so, that's good as you can turn your thoughts round.
I do understand anger. Many years ago I 'lost' time in anger. Very scary when you realise you don't know how you got from A to B.

I'm not kicking anybody. Just find it very odd that people are buying the whole boohoo poor me thing.

If op had a penis this thread would be very different.

OP... I'm glad you came back. I don't think many people have managed to escape 'the rage' at some point or other. I know that I've had many tantrums (unreasonable ones at that), with my placid husband. The only difference being that it's always been a 'storm in a teacup' thing and not personal, just about 'things' that he's either done and shouldn't have or more often than not, should have done and didn't.

I suppose 'there but for the grace of God' but I don't know how you felt when you said the things that you did so whilst I can sympathise with you (and I do), I can't know what that's like. Those feelings come from somewhere though and it sounds as if you're frightened at yourself and your outburst.

I don't think anybody here is qualified to explore this with you but you're being supported to the moon and back to get some RL help with your feelings and then determine what you will do from that point on.

You've had a tough weekend and you can't resolve this yourself, that makes it tougher. I really do wish you well.

Yes, you did, Monana. Have the decency to own your horrible remarks. The OP is exploring what happened and she's not defending herself. There was just no need for you to post just to hit her again.

I don't think the thread would be so different. One outburst is not a pattern of controlling behaviour, and most people on here recognise that. If op was a man this would still be the case.
This verbal attack was bad but op recognises that. She is not making excuses for her behaviour and wants to make sure she never does it again. If she did this repeatedly and did not take responsibility I would be thinking " abusive". But from what she has described, no way.
Of course, her dp must be very hurt and hopefully they will be able to recover from this. I do think some posters are just reading a bit too much into this.

monana, I don't think anyone's denying that the OP has said horrible things. I also think it's fair to say that she'd have got a different reaction on here if she'd been a man. Make of that what you will.

Nonetheless, she's doing her best to own what she's done, and she's come here for help. Ironically your coming on here and calling her a 'twatty person' puts your behaviour in the same category of hers.

Becky have you spoken to your DP about your outburst today?

Reading your earlier response it doesn't come across that you there is anything on the surface that you feel resentful about in your relationship.

However, the things you said in your rant come across as, and I apologise in advance if this sounds overly harsh on you, "You dp did not jump and respond to my text immediately, how dare you, do you not know that if it weren't for me you would be nothing, I am so much better than you, you are not worthy of me and you are not showing me the correct level of respect and appreciation and don't use your father's death as an excuse." Now, is there anything in your relationship with your dp, any incidents, jealousies, inherent prejudices, that could possibly have prompted this view? Because this really does read as if you think you are superior to him, and don't respect or value him or his contribution to your relationship. There is also an element in there of 'put me first, I am No.1'.

I don't know how you can make it up to your dp, it can't be unsaid and what you have said will go round and round in his head and eat away at him, he will wonder if that is really what you think of him. You may well have diminished in his eyes. I can only suggest you try very hard to find out why such a simple thing as a non response to a text unleashed such fury and outpouring of vitriol.

Are you absolutely certain your relationship is one of mutual respect and value?

Wow this place can be awful. OP you obviously feel bad, have said it has never happened before etc. If this was a regular thing then I would be agreeing with the majority on here about abuse etc. As a one off out of nowhere it seems like something that needs to be addressed. I second posters who have said GP. If my usually perfectly loving partner had an outburst one day out of the blue I would of course be upset but my major concern would be what caused it, I would insist he went to see if there was a medical reason.

There is much more to a relationship than 5 minutes of bullshit. Everybody is a knob at some point. I think you need to work hard to fix this, do whatever it takes and show it was a mistake. Then move on. If you dwell on it or your DP dwells on it, it will only regurgitate later and cause more problems.

I'd hate to be with any of the posters saying they would walk away from a DP who did this. I would leave myself, if it was a regular thing but as a one off, to throw a relationship away seems mad. I'd like to think I was with somebody who could love me at my worst, and I them.

My dd used have similar outbursts of temper towards her boyfriend. Really abusive and nasty - she often couldn't remember what she said during the outbursts and was always sorry after the event. always begging for forgiveness...did it to friends too.

It turned out she had a mental illness called borderline personality disorder which was making her emotionally unstable.

OP - I think you should make an appointment to see your gp. Maybe your childhood experiences have had more of an effect on you than you realise

OP - one of the things that contributed to my dd's disorder was being bullied at school for a number of years. Along with some other incidents that are a whole other story!

Have you ever been bullied? school or family - it might be significant.

It makes me a bit sad that you've posted this for support and laid yourself bare to get a total kicking.

I've been on the receiving end of some verbal nastiness. I remember it hurting like a physical punch to my stomach. Xh never showed a fraction of the self awareness you're showing.

I'd definitely get yourself a decent counsellor ASAP and start dealing with your family issues in a safe environment. It may be worth a relate session with your dp too - possibly with him having separate sessions prior to this. If your relationship is usually great, I'd throw everything you can at mending it.

I wish you the best.

I don't think anyone upthread was excusing the op by suggesting she investigate her hormones. Yes men do also have hormones but they tend to remain at pretty steady levels, they are not subject to the ebbs and flows of cyclical hormones to the level which women are.

It is no by means an excuse but usually sensible, balanced, level headed women have even been known to commit acts of extreme violence when their hormones have been out of kilter so it was definitely worth checking out. If you have never had pms to the level you feel capable of committing a totally irrational act which you would never entertain at other times, you are lucky. It can be akin to a psychotic mental illness, ok that is rare and extreme but it does happen and all these "I can manage not toe be nasty when I have pms so everyone should be" posts don't really help.

I managed not to get stretch marks when I was pregnant but that doesn't mean I expect every other woman to do the same. And yes it is comparable, it's a physical cause - and also treatable.

What you said about his DF was vile, don't ever say that again.

That aside, I think you're being very hard on yourself. I've only skimmed, so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said. Was this truly a one off? If so, please draw a line under it and be happy with your OH, who sounds amazing by the way. What's done is done, you can't unsay it so stop beating yourself up. It sounds from his reaction that he knows this is unlike you. He's forgiven you, so forgive yourself. You aren't a vile, venomous bitch. You're human and you fucked up that's all x

I've seen people come on here and admit to having very dark thoughts. About hurting their babies, hurting themselves, feeling under so much pressure they are scared for what they might do next. They are usually supported, told to seek help and fundamentally told to forgive themselves.

I don't think that you are a terrible person, an abusive person just that today you made a mistake. It's fixable though. Most people that can't be 'fixed' have no insight into their own behaviour, this isn't you.

Seek some counselling, honestly it will help. Not for 'what you did' that's a symptom. It sounds like you are wounded by a difficult relationship with your parents. Unravelling it with a counsellor you trust will give you the tools to go forward.

You were in the wrong but you are not an abuser, you show remorse. We aren't perfect.
Maybe look at hormone cycle or pill.
It can be fixed and it won't ruin relationship

In the incident you describe with your friend and this one with your dp, in both cases they are people you care(d) about and in both cases they did or didn't do something relatively minor which you took extreme exception to which resulted in you viciously tearing into them.

It is something to consider, why would such minor infringements by people you care care about provoke such an extreme response from you? Why do feel it necessary to punish them so comprehensively for such small indiscretions?

Your friend eventually forgave you, your dp has said he has forgiven you, but he will find it harder to forget what you have said as did your friend.

I'm not going to flame you or say you are an abuser. What you did was horrible and abusive, yes. And these are things you think - because otherwise, how could you have come up with them? Why did precisely this things occur to you and not others?

You did your very best to wound your partner deeply over an extremely minor thing. It's unacceptable. But it has its roots somewhere - who is the person you are treating your partner as? Are you unconsciously taking revenge on someone else through your partner?

I think you need to talk to a professional, for your own sake and for that of your relationship.

Oh, and you realise the seriousness of what you did and feel guilt over that. Abusers don't. So you can overcome this. Don't become an abuser.

Yes that's what I meant in my earlier post Distancecall - abuser's may 'say' they're sorry to their victim, but they most certainly do not wrack themselves with guilt like this, they don't hate themselves really, despite what they might say - they certainly wouldn't do a whole heap of soul searching and reach out for advice like this.

Of course horrible, awful things are said at times to our loved ones but abuse is a pattern, played out again and again - it's not a one off.

There's nothing worse than feeling as low in yourself as op does and I actually think she's been really brave posting here and her insight and self awareness will mean she will get it sorted I'm sure

Goodness I can't believe the kicking you've got here in addition to the kicking you've given yourself.

What you said you know was horrible and unforgivable and you've beaten yourself up about it but what you need now are answers as to why you behaved like this. If you can get some counselling, private would be quicker, then please do as you must know even the most loving relationship will be chipped away if this gets to be a habit with you. Unfortunately verbal abuse can be habit forming and is often a form of emotional release which you inflict on the person who loves you the most.

Part of us believes so strongly we are loved that a little voice says 'I can do this and he/she will still love me'. Well they won't. Not forever anyway. You have damaged this relationship, don't ever think you haven't and it will take a while to rebuild his trust, because that's what is destroyed with this type of behaviour and love can't survive without trust.

You need to talk to him of course. Don't blame work or your cold and distant family upbringing. You are responsible for your outburst. You, on some level chose to act like this. If you blame other things you will just repeat the mistake. Somewhere in you is a cold and vicious streak but if you are aware it is there, examine it and understand it, it can be buried an not appear again.

None of us are perfect. We have strands or snobbishness, cruelty, superiority etc somewhere in our DNA despite our wish to be kind and caring so understand yourself and move on. And of course apologise for your cruelty.