I'm a vile venomous bitch

[BeckySharpHasNothingOnMe]

I've NC because I'm too embarrassed. Please don't flame me.
I've hurt my lovely, kind, generous, funny, easygoing, popular, optimist, supportive, loyal, understanding, non judgmental, best friend, one in a million, salt of the earth DP.
Yesterday morning I've just snapped. He was guilty of not answering to a petty text while he was out on Fri night. I called him pathetic, thick, stupid, idiot, excuse of a man, selfish prick, I told him he's dragging me down, that whithout me he'd be living on someone's sofa, that I'm fed up, that he's milking his DF passing away (yes I did sink this low) and feeling sorry for himself, that I want him to leave. And more. He stood there listening and looking at me with blank sad eyes.
I then stormed upstairs, realised what I've done and started sobbing. He came up, gave me a hug and I started apologising, he said it's fine and he forgives me. He then spent all day trying to cheer me up as I kept apologising.
I am absolutely devastated and crying my eyes out as I'm typing this. He's not home today.
I honestly don't know what got into me and I'd put it down to stress (which we had plenty of lately, not relationship related) but I feel that is so cowardly.
I don't think any of this about him but I know he will think I do. I've humiliated him and he's such a lovely sensitive person who appear strong on the outside and not give anything away.
Please tell me what to do to make up to him.

I wonder if you actually respect him OP? he was consoling you? reminds me of someone I know who had no respect for their husband so used to treat him like shit and he would be the one consoling her which made her respect him even less.

I won't label you as an abuser, I don't think one outburst in years of a relationship makes one abusive, as long as it doesn't happen again. I would and have said the exact same thing when a woman has posted something on those lines. I refuse to believe one awful outrage alone makes someone an abuser.

I hope you can work out why this happened and take steps to prevent this happening again. You sound like you have an amazing man there and I am glad he is willing to forgive you [flower]

And I have actually had a complete change in personality when I went on the implant and had to get my husband to convince the gp to take it out straight away. I didn't even recognise myself or my behaviour, it was very scary.

I also went through a very rage stage when my thyroid levels were really low. I didn't do what the OP did, but I would have been capable of it.

Before I went on that implant and had thyroid problem I never thought I was capable of feeling so much uncontrolled rage.