I'm a vile venomous bitch

[BeckySharpHasNothingOnMe]

I've NC because I'm too embarrassed. Please don't flame me.
I've hurt my lovely, kind, generous, funny, easygoing, popular, optimist, supportive, loyal, understanding, non judgmental, best friend, one in a million, salt of the earth DP.
Yesterday morning I've just snapped. He was guilty of not answering to a petty text while he was out on Fri night. I called him pathetic, thick, stupid, idiot, excuse of a man, selfish prick, I told him he's dragging me down, that whithout me he'd be living on someone's sofa, that I'm fed up, that he's milking his DF passing away (yes I did sink this low) and feeling sorry for himself, that I want him to leave. And more. He stood there listening and looking at me with blank sad eyes.
I then stormed upstairs, realised what I've done and started sobbing. He came up, gave me a hug and I started apologising, he said it's fine and he forgives me. He then spent all day trying to cheer me up as I kept apologising.
I am absolutely devastated and crying my eyes out as I'm typing this. He's not home today.
I honestly don't know what got into me and I'd put it down to stress (which we had plenty of lately, not relationship related) but I feel that is so cowardly.
I don't think any of this about him but I know he will think I do. I've humiliated him and he's such a lovely sensitive person who appear strong on the outside and not give anything away.
Please tell me what to do to make up to him.

Aw, OP, you can't take it back but you can make sure it doesn't happen again. This is an outburst of other stress pouring through you. It sounds as though you took it out on him because he's there.

I think a lot of the posts on here are unhelpful, in that you don't need to dwell on whether this falls under the category of 'abuse'. You really just need to address whatever has got you here and ensure you recognise the signs before it happens. You also need to show your DH that you are taking steps to address it. Actions speak louder, etc.

I agree with emotionsecho, the way you turned on him suggests deep seated resentment, do you see him as weaker than you, do you feel he has held you back or maybe you've always been the strong one and secretly resented it?
Something has been simmering away inside you to provoke that outburst and you need to acknowledge what ever it is

I'm not going to go on about what you've done BeckySharp because you and other posters have that covered I think. I just want to give you some new perspectives on your situation. This diatribe came from somewhere, and if you want to prevent it happening again, you really need to identify that and cut it off at the source.

Do you and DP live together? If not, how come you weren't together friday night? Is there any resentment about being at home while he's not?

Do you both have demanding careers? Is there any sense of being threatened by this?

What's the balance of domestic chores like in your house? Include time spent organising things and things like meal planning.

Who's the main earner and who takes responsibility for spending/budgeting, etc?

Do you have DC and who is the main carer for them?

These are all areas in which there can be nothing seemingly wrong because there are no elements of abuse or control, but if they're not balanced they can cause a lot of resentment, often without anyone being aware until they explode.

I am always amazed at the folks the insist that a single horrible act is a completely unforgivable and automatically an end to their long term relationship. What weak and tenuous relationships they must have, I always think, that cannot withstand and at least attempt to overcome the 'for worse' that can occur over the decades as you said you would do.

If such thoughts, much less the voicing of them, have not been normal until now, then what has changed? I would say the same if she was reporting her DH was the one that unexpectedly raged over something so unimportant. Hormones, depression, brain tumours or some emotional trigger that broke the damn of self control that has been holding back a lot of emotions for a long time, a skill learned for some forgotten reason in the past.

Besides, for all we know, DH has been, since his DF died, using his grief as an excuse and a crutch. People do, sometimes, and your DP is who you would expect to realize this and call you on it. Though certainly NOT in this fashion! Which brings us back to how does she/they usually cope with negativity and stress and anger and why did that fail?

GP and Relate. Because even if there is a physical reason the GP can treat, the relationship needs repair.

Poundingthestreets are you seriously suggesting that the OP's outburst can be explained by the fact that e.g. her other half isn't doing enough housework?

thedancingbear - yes. I'm categorically not saying that it's an excuse, but you'd be amazed at the red mist it can cause in people. Why is that so strange?

I suggest you commit Seppuku immediately

I don't think it's strange. What would you say to a man who verbally laid into his wife in the same way because he felt she hadn't kept up with the cleaning? Would you tell him that he 'needed to cut off the source of resentment at the source'? If not, why not?

Is that twattish for 'silence!', Sharon? It's really not funny and you're actually being dismissive of the OP as well as her partner.

Momagain... 'weak and tenuous relationships'? I think not. Do you go onto threads where OP is asking whether it was rape or not, and spout that tripe?

Nomama every abuser has a reason behind why they do it, it doesn't change the fact that it still makes them a vile person for inflicting that on the person they are abusing. Dress it up whichever way you want, you were an abuser.

theDancingbear - is there any particular reason you want it not to the be the cause? You seem to be determined to make me say that I think the OP had a justifiable reason for behaving as she did. That's not what I'm saying at all.

Random strangers have been stabbed over giving someone a "funny" look. It's easy to vent full range on those familiar to you. As the saying goes, "we take it out on the ones we love."

The motivation behind that outburst doesn't have to be valid or to make sense to anyone other than the person feeling it. It can be as outrageous and make not sense whatsoever.

It's their motivation, and regardless of its irrationality, if someone wants to develop control over their impulses, they first have to understand them.

In answer to your question, faced with a man who had hit his wife for not doing the cleaning, I would, as I have done here, after saying it's not an excuse, ask him why that made him so angry, because the motivation there is one of control and that is what he would need to investigate if he were going to stop being abusive.

I think sharon is trying to suggest the OP is getting an undue kicking. I think this is probably fair - she's done something beyond the pale but appears willing to own this and to try to the right thing now.

What's not helping is all the excusing/minimising shit along the lines of 'its cos of your hormones/is he not pulling his weight in the house/but is he using the death of his DF as a crutch'? It doesn't do the OP any favours in getting her head around how to fix things, and sends the message that it's okay to barrack your DP if s/he has done something to annoy you.

Ladyluck, semantics I know, but I was abusive. Blaming me, my personality, the inner me, would not have helped me at that time, just as vilifying me does not help the OP. Sometimes there just are things that cause other things to happen, that are outside our volition.

Best advice is still to go to your GP and ask for some help.

Momagain1, I would respectfully disagree with your first paragraph.

There's just somethings that people say that are so vile that it alters your perception of them and their relationship with you. Once these vitriolic words are out, they can't be taken back. These heat of the moment words might be their true inner beliefs even if they don't really believe them but it has crossed their minds and have stayed there. Personally, she crossed a line for me. Life is too short to subject myself to someone who believes that about me.

Even if what the OP said is not a dealbreaker and the OP and her DP stay together, in the back of his mind, he's always going to wonder if that is how she truly sees him. Its like infidelity. Even if the wife and husband have worked out their marriage and moving forward happily, the spouse, who was cheated on, will never 100% trust the cheating spouse like before. Its altered their relationship forever.

Now, we and the OP don't really know how the DP is feeling. She's been wrapped up in her guilt to see and understand his feelings. We can only surmised using our own experiences.

OP isn't getting a kicking, dancingbear, where has that happened? I have missed it. I read Sharon's comment as flippant, dismissive and an attempt to silence.

OP hasn't said what she's going to do; some posters - myself included - think that she could probably do with some help with that because it sounds out of character and she isn't going to get anything other than support to do that here.

Fair enough, Lyingwitch. I don't think she is getting a kicking particularly. It's just how I read Sharon's post. If it doesn't mean that, I haven't got a clue what she's driving at.

Your long post on the third page of this thread is for me the single best contribution.

Op do you think maybe that as you have said your dh has recently lost his df, that perhaps you feel he's getting lots of attention etc and you are being very supportive etc etc but then at the same time you are having a difficult time with your own stresses, and that him being out and not even bothering to reply to your text just tipped you over the edge?

Like all the focus is on him and you felt like you needed some attention so you let him have it verbally as a way to get that attention, as if to say 'what about me!'

I'm not sanctioning any behaviour here I'm just trying to get to the bottom of the why.

How lucky are you. Many years ago I called my H a f.....g lier. He had lied!!
He left for 4 days. I think I would have been dead after that explosion.

I just want to say I did not expect or condone him consoling me, if anything it made me feel even more disgusted with myself.I close my eyes and keep seeing him looking at me and it's ripping my heart out.
LyingWitch I don't remember what the "and more" was, I don't even remember if it was more. I don't remember why and how I went upstairs. Next thing I know is me crying and him hugging me. But with the same look in his eyes.

I didn't ignore the thread, I sat here reading and re-reading and loathing myself and trying to come to any sort of conclusion I can grab. This is what I could come up with and please tell me if you can make any sense of it, I doubt it. Some of it might be me clutching at straws.

Pounding and Emotion Yes we do live together, he was out with his friends, I've never had an issue with this. Yes we do live together and I suppose you can call our work demanding (sort of parallel lines of work). Both career motivated, me sometimes mildly obsessive about it. I'd say the balance of chores re:the house is 70% me 30% him however the balance of chores re:travelling and generally things outside the house is the other way round. Travelling is something to do with work as well, I cannot really say more as this will out me. Also my work makes it hard for me to see my GP over this. I don't know if I'm making too much sense. Responsibility for spending is mainly mine, common finances in regards to earning I don't know how to explain this, I earn more in hard cash but his work kind of enables me to (in the same time more future achievable potential in his). No DC.
He hasn't used his grief as an excuse at all, he is too kind, considerate and dignified to do so. However he comes from a very loving happy family while mine to say the least are exactly the opposite (not abusive, but v.cold and kept together by circumstances). I thought the vile comment I made about his DF passing might be jealousy from my part manifested in this horrendous, appalling way. I think if that was one of my parents passing, I would have been grieving for both what I had and what I didn't have, while DP has grieved with nothing else but love and dignity.
That being said, I heard my parents say some nasty things to each other and to me. Probably as vitriolic as what I said. But if there is any danger about me turning into any of them, I'd genuinely rather be 5 feet under. I met DP when I was very young and partly because of the above, I didn't have a lot of self esteem. He made me believe I can conquer mountains.
There is one incident that came to my mind today. Even before I met DP, I knew some of the principles my parents lived by were awful and disliked them for it. However some of them had been preached to me and although I hope and pray I shook them off since, I'm ashamed to say one of them was disregard for people doing unskilled jobs. Once (few months before I met DP) I had a petty argument with my best friend at the time - I was staying over, we had planned to go out but I preferred to sit on the laptop all night doing study/work stuff which could've waited a day. She left me alone but in the morning said I've become impossible and stuck up, I stormed out and send her the most vile horrible humiliating text (much in the lines of what I said to DP and to do with her job which was you guessed unskilled). She forgave me a few years after.

I lost my father last year.
What you said is borderline unforgivable :(

OP, sounds like you got the rage.

The rage is fucking scary.

I used to occasionally get "the rage" when I suffered anxiety and depression. It was horrible.

It has scarred me as I feel a bit too familiar with my own dark side as a result

I was luckier than you, and posted at the now defunct badmothersclub, and was given support, not told I was an abuser.

I needed to change a few things in my life, one of them was getting financial independence and an occasional break from the kids (DH worked all week and played golf all weekend).

I felt so trapped and exhausted and lashed out in rage.

Maybe you need to find out what is at the root of your "rage". Try and be honest to yourself.

And be kind on yourself, you may need a break.

Sounds like you are just one of those twatty people who goes for the most hurtful thing possible or the thing you think will hurt them most when someone irritates you. You really do sound horrible.

OP maybe try counselling.

Regardless of what you think Monana I am not a horrible person. I've done a horrible thing and I'm not shying away from it and I came here to ask for help.
The incident I have mentioned happened more than 10 years ago, I've never stopped being ashamed of myself for it and I have probably somehow buried it deep and dug it out today.
I now know better than to disregard anyone. I'm not a vile individual nor will I take the easy route and blame my upbringing. I tried to take the advice of some posters who told me try and find the root of what I did.