I'm a vile venomous bitch

[BeckySharpHasNothingOnMe]

I've NC because I'm too embarrassed. Please don't flame me.
I've hurt my lovely, kind, generous, funny, easygoing, popular, optimist, supportive, loyal, understanding, non judgmental, best friend, one in a million, salt of the earth DP.
Yesterday morning I've just snapped. He was guilty of not answering to a petty text while he was out on Fri night. I called him pathetic, thick, stupid, idiot, excuse of a man, selfish prick, I told him he's dragging me down, that whithout me he'd be living on someone's sofa, that I'm fed up, that he's milking his DF passing away (yes I did sink this low) and feeling sorry for himself, that I want him to leave. And more. He stood there listening and looking at me with blank sad eyes.
I then stormed upstairs, realised what I've done and started sobbing. He came up, gave me a hug and I started apologising, he said it's fine and he forgives me. He then spent all day trying to cheer me up as I kept apologising.
I am absolutely devastated and crying my eyes out as I'm typing this. He's not home today.
I honestly don't know what got into me and I'd put it down to stress (which we had plenty of lately, not relationship related) but I feel that is so cowardly.
I don't think any of this about him but I know he will think I do. I've humiliated him and he's such a lovely sensitive person who appear strong on the outside and not give anything away.
Please tell me what to do to make up to him.

Becky I second what nomama said about talking to your GP and have a look st your cycle. I think some terrible things when I have pms - I usually manage not to say them but that's because I am now very aware of what is going on and I know it isn't real. I can also be very irrational though and I can understand if you aren't aware and the floodgate opens anything can come out.

I think people are being overly harsh on here. You were in the wrong but you acknowledge it and you are looking to find a way to move on and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Must be lovely to be perfect like some of the posters

Hmm well that was some verbal attack wasn't it? Because he didn't answer your trivial text?
You can't make it up to him, because words can never be unsaid. You must make the decision to never allow yourself another tantrum like that again. I know you're sorry, and I do mean this kindly and with good intentions, but I think you need to grow up.

I actually find it quite worrying that he felt the need to soothe you after your shit fit. I'd have wanted you right out of my sight.
He's obviously a soft touch who wants to be kind. Don't abuse it.

Must be lovely to be perfect like some of the posters

Many people on here are far from perfect. Many people on here don't resort to verbally and emotionally abusing anyone else. The OP is trying to justify herself. As someone who spent three years going through physical, emotional and verbal abuse I find anyone who attempts to justify abuse they've inflicted on someone else to be vile.

If a man had said all of that to his wife or girlfriend there would be a 100% vote that he was an abuser and that she should leave him. Because she's female she's told it may just be hormonal and not to worry, a quick trip to the GP and all will be fine and dandy again.

I suffered pretty bad pms, I was angry a lot, stressed and wrung out and still managed to not abuse anyone else in any way. As do many many other women. Hormones are no excuse. Men have them too and that's not an excuse for them to act the same way.

It's not about perfection, it's about taking responsibility. Yes there may be any number of underlying causes but none of them are an excuse. They need to be addressed honestly and whatever treatment or counselling methods need to be strictly adhered to.
Accepting the consequences of those actions is also important as is allowing someone else the free will to decide for themselves whether or not they need to protect themselves from you.
It's not pleasant, it doesn't flatter your ego, it may not work out ok for this relationship but its a process that must be gone through with honesty and commitment if the op truly wishes to stop this behaviour and not continue to be like this. It's the easiest thing in the world to blame outside influence and find fault in others. It's truly difficult to face yourself and realise you need to change.

I think some of the replies are unhelpful here. Yes what you said was horrendous. You recognise that. The fact that you have come here for advice also shows how you want to put it right. if you have never done anything like this before I agree it may be hormonal- it may equally point to stress and/or depression. Only you know if you don't feel right. If you are struggling mentally do go and see your doctor. In the mean time I suggest you give your lovely DP a big hug and tell him how you are feeling and how sorry you are. If there are underlying issues with the two of you, you need to talk to each other. I hope things work out for you.

All you can do is talk to him and apologise sincerely and do everything in your power to show him that you don't feel like that about him.

I actually think a trip to your GP might be a good idea. Stress can make people angry, as can depression, as can hormones.

I am sure your dp will forgive you in time ... but give him plenty of it.

Op I have in the past been guilty of savage verbal attacks on people I love that I then regretted hugely. Have you done this before with friends, family, boyfriends? I found that I had to force myself to walk away when I'm angry and just go and punch a pillow, then talk when I've calmed down. I haven't lost my temper for years now and I never say thing I don't mean, but it took a long time and a lot of effort to train myself to be that way.

To clarify, my dh and I have said some awful things to each other in the past, during the heat of an argument.
But to deliver a verbal shitfest like that on the strength of so little, and using his father's death as ammo? No. Nothing like that.

That was sheer wicked self indulgence on the part of the OP. Not to be repeated. Ever.

Hi OP,

Yes those things were vile and venomous and you are right to feel ashamed and disgusted. However, you need to address why it happened, we can't do that for you because we don't know the circumstances (which is why I don't think you should be called an abuser by anyone on here) So, if I were you I would look at the following in this order if it were me.

1. Only if you truly think there is a biological/ psychological reason behind what you did, GP

2. Relate

3. Depending on the answer to 1, anger management and counseling.

I do however think that you should not be allowing DP to make you feel better and cheer you up. You were in the wrong, not him and putting the onus on him to absolve you is awful.

can I just say something?

Having just left an abuser who said all those sorts of things to me on a very regular basis, that he would never show the introspection you have op. He would never feel ashamed or worried that he had hurt me - he just felt entitled and right all the time.

Remember how shit you feel now, and tell your DP who sounds absolutely lovely that you are going to go and talk to someone about it. Tell him to stop trying to console you and make you feel better, it's you who should be doing that for him really.

I'd echo Nomama here. I have a friend who would have these kinds of episodes. Sometimes even towards her boss! She spoke to a doctor as she thought she was losing the plot, changed contraception and it has since completely stopped. Worth checking out?

First of all thank you everyone for your messages. I didn't come here for a pat on the back or to feel sorry for myself or to try and offload the guilt. I came here because I think I need help.
To answer to one of the posters, I didn't stew on it. I went to sleep on Fri night and didn't even know he didn't answer my text until Sat morning when I woke up, looked at the phone out of habit, realised he didn't and stormed downstairs in a rage.
I genuinely don't have any rational explanation. I am not taking any contraceptives, I have not had any physical problems (that I know about, anyway).
Honestly the only mental issue that I can think of is facing a lot of pressure in my job (not necessarily the bad sort of pressure iykwim) and being tired as a result. However I can't see any connection.
I have had some weird dreams lately, not nightmares as such, just strange associations of people, places, situations into one dream, but I've put this down to work stress.
But please believe me, this is in no way, shape or form an attempt to justify the atrocity I've committed.
I love this man, I've loved him all my adult life. Someone said this above, but I do not need to list his good points to convince myself of anything. He is the centre of my universe.

Are you pregnant? Not that is in any way excuses or justifies it. Just with you mentioning the dreams you've been having, and what seems like a complete emotional overreaction to something so trivial.

HappyYoni, It's great to hear that you taught yourself not to lose temper. It gives me hope that it's possible to do it!
I have similar problem as OP of verbal attacks or just being unpleasant/out of order when I'm stressed. I'm mostly nice and kind otherwise:)) I always feel very embarrassed about it afterwards. The inner force of doing it at the heat of the moment feels so strong that no matter how I know it's wrong I still do it.
It actually helps reading the posters who talk about taking the full responsibility for that because it's a form of abuse.
I was in the past with a partner who would bring it up again and again what I have said to him and it didn't really help me. I felt bad enough about it already.
My current partner never reminds me of these unpleasant things I say to him when I lose the temper. He just firmly tells me afterwards not to do it again and behaves as if nothing happened. I was really amazed actually at his reaction. I'm still amazed how he manages to do it. It makes me feel that he believes I'm better than "what I say or how I behave when I'm in the attack mood". It gives me such a strength to overcome the problem.
I would love to hear from other people who genuinely manage to control the temper and stopped being unpleasant when stressed.

I'm not pregnant or at least I don't think so. My period has been normal and I can't see any signs whatsoever. On that note it's not the time for PMS either - when I do have it (which is not every month) makes me emotional and over sensitive rather than angry.

I'm just fucking horrified at the numerous posters coming on here and petitioning that this is the result of pregnancy, or contraception, or other hormonal issues. It's like saying to a man whose just knocked his wife about 'I'm not excusing what you've done, but maybe its your testosterone'? Truly appalling.

thedancingbear, I'm not trying to say it's ok if it was because of pregnancy or that if she was pregnant then it is the cause, read my previous posts and you'll see that. I was genuinely curious about pregnancy because of the dreams. I remember when I was first pregnant and didn't know it I had all sorts of freaky dreams.

Even if she was pregnant it wouldn't excuse what she's done, I still wouldn't change my opinion on her or anything of the sort. Pregnancy hormones wouldn't cause someone to act like that either in my experience. You need to have that part of yourself inside you to act that way, no amount of hormones can suddenly turn you from a nice person to someone who would want to destroy their partner over not replying to a text.

So... I am lying am I, dancingbear?

I was verbally and physically abusive for about 25 days in every month. Over 2 or 3 years I progressively got worse, I found it more and more difficult to control the urge to scream, lash out, be confrontational. Then, for 2 days a month, calm would reign.

24 hours after my GP changed my contraception that all stopped and has never returned.

Now, tell me why it is appalling to share my story to try to help OP? Whys is it perfectly OK to tell her she is vile, subhuman etc but not OK to offer her any possible explanation or hope?

I am equally horrified that OP is being called such vile names, being labelled so definitely as an abuser. There are other possibilities - I am not the only one here who has said as much.

Such judgmental certainty is horrifying too!

I can get quite snappy and impatient when am stressed and my DP probably bears the brunt of my impatience. But there is a world way from stress-related impatience and downright cruelty. If anyone had spoken to me the way you spoke to your DP that would be the last they saw of me. And the thought that one day one of my children's partners would speak to them like that makes me feel sick. Please go and see your GP and show your partner that you recognise that you need practical help.

And in a reply to a PP who mentioned her abusive cunt of an ex never showing any remorse, mine did. Every single time it happened. There would be days of endless apologies, self loathing, "I'm sorry" presents, flowers and pampering. And I'd feel disgusted with myself for his suffering, when it was him ripping me apart piece by piece until there was nothing left of me.

Some abusers show genuine remorse, then go on and do it again when they've forgiven themselves. Some never show remorse.

That is true Pretty.
Never judge someone by what they say, but by what they do.

No, Nomama, you are not a liar, but you were an abuser. And you are seeking to minimise the OP's behaviour.

I'm not looking to stick the boot into her, as she is clearly contrite. I hope she can sort herself out. But saying 'it's probably your hormones' is not helpful.

Also, would you not describe a man who had said and done the same things an 'abuser'? Double standards much!

Like I say I hope the OP can address her issues. But minmising what she's done (you're not an abuser yet) will make things worse