I'm a vile venomous bitch

[BeckySharpHasNothingOnMe]

I've NC because I'm too embarrassed. Please don't flame me.
I've hurt my lovely, kind, generous, funny, easygoing, popular, optimist, supportive, loyal, understanding, non judgmental, best friend, one in a million, salt of the earth DP.
Yesterday morning I've just snapped. He was guilty of not answering to a petty text while he was out on Fri night. I called him pathetic, thick, stupid, idiot, excuse of a man, selfish prick, I told him he's dragging me down, that whithout me he'd be living on someone's sofa, that I'm fed up, that he's milking his DF passing away (yes I did sink this low) and feeling sorry for himself, that I want him to leave. And more. He stood there listening and looking at me with blank sad eyes.
I then stormed upstairs, realised what I've done and started sobbing. He came up, gave me a hug and I started apologising, he said it's fine and he forgives me. He then spent all day trying to cheer me up as I kept apologising.
I am absolutely devastated and crying my eyes out as I'm typing this. He's not home today.
I honestly don't know what got into me and I'd put it down to stress (which we had plenty of lately, not relationship related) but I feel that is so cowardly.
I don't think any of this about him but I know he will think I do. I've humiliated him and he's such a lovely sensitive person who appear strong on the outside and not give anything away.
Please tell me what to do to make up to him.

There's saying things in the heat of the moment and there's insults that you never say regardless of rage. Comments relating to the death of a family member slot right into that one.

That is such cod science and psycho babble, dancingbear. You have no idea what you are talking about.

My actions were abusive, yes. But I was not an abuser, I was experiencing psychological problems due to a hormonal imbalance. And if you want to disgree with that you will have a lot of scientists, bio chemists etc to deal with.

But if it makes you feel better to throw that label out there, please feel free. You don't know me, or the OP. And have absolutely no basis for touting your codswallop!

I still see no problem offering an obviously upset poster some alternatives to them being the devil incarnate - unlike the Abuser shouters, I am not naturally judgmental or nasty.

Maybe he's out looking for a new place now.

Why all the anger and insults, Nomama? You can disagree with someone without calling them 'judgemental and nasty' or dismissing their views as 'codswallop'.

Hah! Have you read your own posts?

How is it OK to call someone an abuser and to then pretend to be all shocked when they challenge you on your judgment?

I don't think it's helpful focusing on fact that OP said partner is "milking the DF passing away". Some people would consider swearing in conversation or at each other totally unacceptable. Others would think that that's OK to use swear words and are more likely to call other people with those swear words on occasions.

I think you will get more of a majority agreeing that using the death of a recent parent to beat their partner with is beyond the pale. This is why people are focused on it.

So you hadn't stewed on the non answered text all night and worked yourself up into a resentment fuelled rant but saw it in the morning and then just snapped into a rage?

Have you ever done this before, to anyone?

I'm not trying to diagnose you over the internet but if this is really out of your normal character you need to find out what caused otherwise it may well happen again, particularly if you feel you 'got away with it' and the result was your dp consoling you.

What is really worrying is the level of hateful vitriol you directed at your dp, particularly about his grief over his father, are you struggling to cope with his grief, do you feel 'left out' because of it?

Dancingbear, I'm not making excuses for op. i was just casually reading the thread and remembered my friend's strange behaviour where she'd get really angry for no reason, then be horrified about it afterwards. It sounded kind of similar. Turned out it was hormonal. When people act out of character sometimes, there can sometimes be a medical reason.

I did not intend to horrify anyone with my words.

Not going to pile on. Think you've had the message that it was horrible abusive behaviour. My mum had a vile temper and would say disgusting things to me as a child/ teen. Truly horrendous things. I wonder if this was your experience too? When I am under extreme stress I have to work very hard not to fly into a rage as that behaviour was modelled for me in my childhood.

Gingerbreadpixie and Nomama, can you explain the difference between your positions on this matter and saying to a male abuser 'you're not really an abuser, it's just your testosterone making you behave like this'? And if there isn't one, why is the former ok and the latter not? for the avoidance of doubt, in my view both positions are wrong - abuse is abuse, end of.

Yeah you were vile. His reaction suggests this isn't the first time it has happened and he is trying to 'keep the peace'. My Ex was abusive, both physically and mentally and I have lost count of the amount of times I apologised for him hurting me. This sounds similar.

Fuck the excuses. Sort it out.

Why?

I haven't said that there is any similarity - you have. I haven't concatenated 2 things in an attempt to make someone feel like shit - you have!

Unlike many here I don't automatically link one person's behaviour with another's and think "Oh, person A was a murdering bastard, so person B must be a murdering bitch".

All I have done is taken OP at face value and offered her my own experience as a check, a balance against all the shouts of You Are An Abuser.

Implying that this means I am excusing abuse is a big leap. You have made that connection, I did not.

And it is just as likely than any man, or any woman, who experiences changes in personality, uncontrolled rages could have a medical problem, brain tumours, hormonal imbalance, etc, etc. It is certainly something the medical profession looks into when someone presents with personality change.

Maybe you need to work out why you need to insist I am an abuser rather than be able to accept I was ill and am ill no longer.

Also OP, you said this "pathetic, thick, stupid, idiot, excuse of a man, selfish prick, I told him he's dragging me down, that whithout me he'd be living on someone's sofa"

Do you consider yourselves equal? Are you in a better job/profession, earn more, pay more of the household expenses?

How is he 'dragging you down' why would he be 'sleeping on someone's sofa' without you?

What reason could you have for making these statements?

There is clearly something in your relationship that you resent, that kind of definitive critique doesn't come from nowhere.

thedancingbear I haven't actually stated "my position" on this matter at all. It just reminded me of an anger issue a friend had and I just commented on that because i thought maybe it might be helpful to the OP. I'm very sorry my posts have made you so upset. I have no interest in an online argument with a stranger. I will leave the thread now and wish you all the best.

Posted too soon.

unless you are deliberately trying to hurt, humiliate and control your dp. Only you know which it is.

Not going to pile on either buy 'I don't know why' is not a good enough response for an outburst like that. Do some serious, uncomfortable self-searching to find out why. Preferably with a therapist.

And don't allow him to coddle you, it's just creepy.

Firstposts that's very interesting what you said. My mum used to call me a bitch etc. and hit me in the odd moments when she was angry in my teenage years. Now she thinks that my bad temper is the cause of our family DNA rather than the cause of her behaviour too.

She's wrong. It's not in your DNA. That's a total cop out. It's learned behaviour (core beliefs/schemas/ conditions of worth/ organising principles/ whatever therapeutic language you want to use).

I have no doubt your mothers behaviour towards you is highly significant here.

But of course, what is learned can be unlearned. Which is where therapy comes in. You have made a difficult and brave step in posting here so be proud.

OP... I'm not going to pile on either. You do sound sorry. That said, abusers can be sorry and that's time and time again and they can re-write.

Other than what you posted above you said 'and more'. What was the 'and more'.

Can you even remember it? What was your thought when you saw your partner's eyes looking up at you? Did nothing bring a halt to it or did you just run out of steam?

I think it's all probably very raw to both of you; you for your out of control outpouring and him for his first thought being to console you. I might have consoled you too, out of fear and being destabilised myself rather than love for you. You know what you said is bad but you have no idea what it will have meant to him to hear you say those things.

I think you should write down every single thing that you said to him and explore for each one, whether that feeling came from. This wasn't temper, it doesn't sound like it to me, it sounds like a bubbling up of anger. For me, that's frightening and I think, for your own sake if nobody else's, you've got to get to the bottom of that anger.

I wouldn't be shying away from the term of 'abuser' because you did abuse your partner badly. It's what you do from this point that really matters. You've apologised but that's not enough, you really do need to get some help for this.

In the meantime, if it were me, I would keep my distance from my partner simply telling him that I am beside myself with disgust at what I said, that I'm going to get help for it from wherever I can - and that I wouldn't blame him if he wants to split up. He might still want to and you should be prepared for that. Once his shock has subsided, he's going to be angry and bewildered and he needs time to process that. It is not his job to make you feel better so please don't put that on him however much you might crave his forgiveness.

Can you make an appointment with your GP tomorrow? I think it's urgent.

Sparkky Sun 02-Nov-14 14:33:22

Has no one on here ever had a verbal argument with their partner and said things in the heat of the moment that they didn't mean?

Personally no I haven't. I am able to control myself in the "heat of the moment". The only things I say while angry are things I really feel but have been bottling up.

OP I definitely think you need to see your GP about it at the very least to rule out hormonal stuff, then consider seeing a counselor to deal with this "rage". As you've said it was out of the blue and you've never done it before, I believe there's a reason for it and that you need help.

I believe you do mean what you said, even if it's something you don't want to mean or want to say because it feels mean. I think you need to honestly ask yourself about what you said and whether you really believe it and if it's time to call this relationship a day.

If I were your husband, I would need for you need to specifically apologise. I know, you did while weeping, but to my mind, you need to apologise clear headedly, apart from whatever regrets you voiced when you were still within your emotional explosion. that was for you, I would need you to apologise for me. does that make sense.

Therapy, for each of you, and for both of you, would be good. At a minimum, you or both of you, need to create a process for dealing with anger. It might need to be quite formal, step 1, step 2, my turn, your turn. It might feel awkward, but you evidently need a system different from what each of you brought to your adult lives from your childhood homes. those systems either aren't good, or at any rate aren't compatible.