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Original poster

Discovered porn habit 22 years together

166 replies

purplelavendar · 31/10/2014 12:58

Following my family thread yesterday it seems my life is destined to be an Eastenders plot line. Discovered my husband at 6am in the bath watching porn.

This is after years of ED and no interest in sex. Any interest I pushed for he'd want me on top, to always see me, to be shaven - you get the picture.

Many times I've asked him if he's gay or watches porn. It's the lying and disregard for my feelings over the years that has shellshocked me. I don't know him.

On another note I'm far from prudish but after looking online this morning, it's gross and totally exploitative of women. Nice.

Feel numb.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplelavendar · 01/11/2014 20:50

I'm not reasonable drum! I despise him at the moment.

I asked him what he was going to do. He doesn't know. Pathetic.

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gildedcage · 01/11/2014 20:52

Purple it is the lies and betrayal that hurt. The lack of integrity and loss of respect. I have no advice for you. I have been on the receiving end of similar so I totally sympathise.

What I had to remember was that I can trust me....your feelings and decisions are valid. What I would say is get some RL help for you. Whether its a friend or some counselling so that you can express how you feel and get a RL hug if you need it. You are allowed to feel angry, and express this as this is part of a grieving process. You're grieving what you thought you had.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 01/11/2014 20:52

I would leave if it wasn't for my son. I come from a horribly shattered home and I will never do that to him.

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Drumdrum60 · 01/11/2014 20:57

Well that's a pretty normal reaction. You don't despise him you despise what he's done. He won't know what to do because he thought he would never get caught and normalised it.

You are bound to have all these feelings.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 01/11/2014 20:57

Thank you gilded. I do need RL help - just not sure where to turn to with this one. I can't tell even good friends this at the moment and I also have dysfunctional extended family issues. Mumsnet has helped so much these past few days but I need external support - time to stop pretending/trying and get help.

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Drumdrum60 · 01/11/2014 21:01

Normal reaction to despise him I mean.

gildedcage · 01/11/2014 21:02

I'm not suggesting that you leave. But things aren't going to be the same. They could be better, but it will take alot of work and honesty from you both and you both have to want the same things.

For me it was the loss of respect. I hate misogyny, my husband knew that. He also knew that honesty and integrity are central to everything for me. If someone lies to you then how can you trust them? You can't. Building the trust will take a long time and sometimes it isn't possible. He needs to face this head on and not hide it. You need someone you can talk to openly and only when you've thought about you and what you want think about relationship counselling.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 01/11/2014 21:07

I knew what you meant drum - thank you.

And thank you gilded - I've put so much one-sided effort into resolving our relationship for the last 6 years at least, that I don't think I'm nice enough to do anymore. Especially with no certainty that it will be worth it, like the past 6 years. No reserves/energy left.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplelavendar · 01/11/2014 21:09

And gilded, I am so sorry that you've experienced similar.

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gildedcage · 01/11/2014 21:29

Purple I didn't have the issues that you have had to deal with. As you say its taken 6 years to get to honesty. What really helped me was counselling and not hiding how I felt. Be honest with your feelings and express your hurt and anger, not dealing with feelings can make you very unwell.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 03/11/2014 20:40

Is anyone around to talk? I'm not coping with this very well. How can someone you've known for 22 years be someone else? How can he wank over other woman with his constantly rejected wife, who he claims to love, in the next room.

Sorry, I know there's nothing anyone can say but I can't talk to anyone about this.

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Drumdrum60 · 03/11/2014 20:49

Hi I'm here and I understand. It's not the porn that bothered me it would be the rejection. It's a big how fucking dare he. Leading you along like that. You will still be in shock.

You don't have to put up with this you know. What has he said or done? Does he understand?

Original poster
purplelavendar · 03/11/2014 20:51

Thank you drum. He understands and can't believe he thought it was okay now.

I want to leave but I won't destroy my son. Trapped with the pain.

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JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/11/2014 20:53

I'm so sorry. I don't know how he could do that to you - over such a sustained period of time. I think he was very wrong.

How is he trying to change things now?

I suppose from his point of view, it was a compulsion, it was entirely separate from you, it was his body, his business, and not anything to do with his love for you.

I don't agree with that though.

What do you see happening now? How old is your DS?

Drumdrum60 · 03/11/2014 20:59

I know what you mean the pain is awful. Have you anyone in RL to talk to who you can trust? Don't expect to know what to do straight away.

Why don't men take some responsibility? Why don't they seem to know the trouble ahead with such selfishness. Mind boggling. He's an utter fool.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 03/11/2014 20:59

Thank you JFR. I don't know what will happen. I'm waiting for the hurt to subside but no clue how long that will take.

He's not doing anything. Keeping out of my way really and saying sorry at times. Pathetic.

I tried so hard with our sex life. Always thought things would sort themselves out and all the time he was doing that. Really can't believe it. Never thought he was that person.

My son is a teenager.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplelavendar · 03/11/2014 21:02

No one in RL unfortunately which is why it helps so much to voice it here.

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Original poster
purplelavendar · 03/11/2014 21:02

No one in RL unfortunately which is why it helps so much to voice it here.

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Drumdrum60 · 03/11/2014 21:07

I know you're in shock and I hate to say this but are you sure he hasn't taken this further? I wouldn't ask him but I'd make damn sure he wasn't hiding anything else by checking phone and laptop histories and bank records.

Hopefully not but it's best to know what you're dealing with.

Why is he hiding? Tell him to man up.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 03/11/2014 21:14

Thank you drum. I will do this.

He does need to bloody man up. That's half his problem. And if ED was an isolated problem (do not initially caused by porn) we should have dealt with it together instead of him pissing off and doing that.

There's more discussion to come. Why did he have ED in the first place? Because of porn use? I definitely feel there's more I need to hear from him.

Thank you for letting me rant and clearing my muddled head.

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Drumdrum60 · 03/11/2014 21:21

My dh was ED and the fucking awful thing is you begin to accept it as normal!

I used to look at him and think ...what the fuck?

You must be so confused. I used to take long baths so I could think and get my mind straight.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 03/11/2014 21:24

Did your husband sort it out drum? Are you still together?

I am confused. And so bloody angry. How dare he treat me like that. I've always thought I was strong but I feel like such an idiot.

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Darkesteyes · 03/11/2014 21:32

purple he has rejected you and rejected you over a long period of time. Its marital neglect IMO. He has treated you with utter contempt. Im so sorry you are going through this.

Drumdrum60 · 03/11/2014 21:36

Yes but it was really hard work to get him to accept any responsibility. Wish I hadn't bothered now.

Things returned to normal even better than normal but sometimes I feel a bit chewed up and sometimes I don't.

It's about you and what you can accept and looking after yourself. It's a horrific situation to be in because it's so humiliating.

I was so angry.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 03/11/2014 21:41

Oh drum sorry to hear you feel messed up at times. It's not straightforward is it. Thanks so much for your support.

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