Discovered porn habit 22 years together

[purplelavendar]

Following my family thread yesterday it seems my life is destined to be an Eastenders plot line. Discovered my husband at 6am in the bath watching porn.

This is after years of ED and no interest in sex. Any interest I pushed for he'd want me on top, to always see me, to be shaven - you get the picture.

Many times I've asked him if he's gay or watches porn. It's the lying and disregard for my feelings over the years that has shellshocked me. I don't know him.

On another note I'm far from prudish but after looking online this morning, it's gross and totally exploitative of women. Nice.

Feel numb.

It's not about his terms though is it. You have to decide what you want first and if it fits in with what he wants, then great, but if not, you have to recognise that and go your own ways. There really isn't any other choice.

You can stay together, if that's what you both want. But you will still have the same problems you have now. If that's ok with you, fine. Each to their own. If it's not ok then you have to go with one of the other two options.

It's definitely not ok.

The amount of times I've read women complaining their men don't want sex with them only for them to then find out he has a porn habit and usually for years.

I aint no prude either, but unless you are a 15 year old schoolboy or you look occasionally purely out of curiosity, I'd say anything more than that then you have a real problem with real life relationships. Porn has FA to do with real people and shows a completed distorted view of what a sexual relationship is about, never mind the obvious abuse of females that takes place in the making of such crap.

I'm assuming your OH is a mature man, I just think he has issues if he is feeling the need to look at that crap rather than have a loving relationship with his partner. I'd actually find it very hard to even look at my partner after this kind of discovery.

I totally agree with you jan and I won't be able to look at him. I have few words at the moment, sorry, but I am reading and appreciating.

It's definitely not okay is it?

Well maybe it's OK for some folk, not for you by the sounds of it, me neither.

Sorry I never read your family thread....

If he saw sex as dirty then you wouldn't have been having any normal kind of sex in any of your relationship in the past (which I'm presuming you did)

That's not true

Got to let what sink in? The fact that he masturbates and didn't want to tell you? Like 95 per cent of the population. Using porn to masturbate is hardly unusual. You're acting as though he has cheated.

This is after years of ED and no interest in sex

Did you miss this bit Space?

No, I didn't. He obviously has issues with sex. That does not necessarily make him a bad person or a liar.

But it where does it leave OP? He won't have sex with her but will bang one out to porn. Not much to hang on to there really.

We obviously have different ideas of marriage and relationship space. I'd like to be more than a house mate. At least I know and now can make my own choices.

And I've got to get my head around/let it sink in that my husband led me to believe for 22 years that he had a low sex drive. Whatever his issue he should have been honest with me and not been doing what he has been doing. I'm not against masturbating - that is not the issue here.
He chose to be in a relationship with me not images on a screen.

Did you try and innate sex with him? What did he do?

He can't get an erection. I never feel he's connecting with me.

Sorry, Yes I do initiate - especially in the past. Not so much now.

Oh no! That doesn't sound good. Sounds like he's only able to be turned on by porn? How depressing.

Think about what you're going to do. In fact you don't have to do anything at all. First of all carry on as normal and let this sink in before you take any action.

I personally would be searching stuff but wouldn't tell him.

OP, can you post a link to your thread from yesterday. As you mentioned it I was going to read it to try to get the bigger picture, but I can't find it.

Thank you for your advice drum

Spaniel it was deleted because it was too identifying. Sorry.

Agree with jan.

I wouldn't bother hanging around anyone who wasn't interested in me. Please don't bother op.

It makes him a crap husband, in space. Very crap. The op has spent years wondering what she's done wrong.

Indeed. Sounds like he's having a secret life at your emotional expence.

I can understand why it's upsetting and disappointing to discover this, but to many men, porn is simply a tool for masturbation. Nothing more or less. He isn't being unfaithful to you simply because he enjoys porn. Maybe he finds that easier than dealing with real life complex issues surrounding sex in relationships. If he loves you, he will be willing to work on the sexual side of your relationship.

Having erectile dysfunction and masturbating make him a crap husband?

Yeah, willing like he has been for the last ten years or so.

I think it's astonishing that women's sex lives are seen as so unimportant that people genuinely think they should stand by a man who for years can't be arsed to shag them while happily wanking over other women. Sad.

Jesus Space do you not get it? He can only get turned on watching the exploitation of women. All these years he's been lying to her. He's had plenty of time to 'work on the sexual side of the relationship'. Of course that makes him a crap husband.