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Original poster

Discovered porn habit 22 years together

166 replies

purplelavendar · 31/10/2014 12:58

Following my family thread yesterday it seems my life is destined to be an Eastenders plot line. Discovered my husband at 6am in the bath watching porn.

This is after years of ED and no interest in sex. Any interest I pushed for he'd want me on top, to always see me, to be shaven - you get the picture.

Many times I've asked him if he's gay or watches porn. It's the lying and disregard for my feelings over the years that has shellshocked me. I don't know him.

On another note I'm far from prudish but after looking online this morning, it's gross and totally exploitative of women. Nice.

Feel numb.

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 21:22

Oh, for goodness sake. He is clearly ashamed of his porn habit and isn't likely to want to share that with his wife!

Darkesteyes · 31/10/2014 21:22

InSpace what about acknowledging all the marriage vows instead of cherry picking the ones that suit your agenda.

There is more to a marriage than remaining faithful. What about "with my body i thee worship" thats the vow the OPs DH has broken and hes been breaking it for a long long time.

Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 21:24

Space you are thinking like an entitled selfish man who has no empathy for his partner.

Darkesteyes · 31/10/2014 21:25

InSpace why are HIS needs greater than his wifes?! I find your posts on this thread incredibly misogynistic. But oh i forgot We women arent meant to like sex or have needs are we. Because mens needs are greater Halloween Hmm

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 21:26

No, the OP is asking an Internet forum whether she is being unreasonable upon discovering her husbands porn habit, and I am answering her by saying that in my opinion, a porn habit does not necessarily mean he is a bad person. Not sure why you all think this is such an outrageous view. I'm not commenting on whether he is a bad husband or not- just the porn question. My opinion is just as valid as everyone else's

gildedcage · 31/10/2014 21:26

Space you are totally missing the point here.

The issue is not that her dh masturbates nor is it about the porn. The fact is that her dh has strung the op along for years on the basis that he has ED and a low sex drive. It would appear that this is a lie.

I suspect had the OP known the truth she may have made other life choices. Rather than staying married for 22 years trying to fix a nonexistent problem.

Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 21:26

Space this is about how OP feels.

Botanicbaby · 31/10/2014 21:27

"I think it's astonishing that women's sex lives are seen as so unimportant that people genuinely think they should stand by a man who for years can't be arsed to shag them while happily wanking over other women. Sad."

This^

well said johnfarleysruskin

OP - i am so sorry this happened to you, you must be feeling awful but things will get better. Knowing an ugly truth is better than not knowing in the long run.

Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 21:28

OP are you ok?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 21:28

Who said his needs are greater than hers? Not me! He is entitled to wank to porn if he wants, so is she. If he wants to save his marriage he obviously needs to address his issues surrounding sex with his partner.

Fairenuff · 31/10/2014 21:31

OP is asking an Internet forum whether she is being unreasonable upon discovering her husbands porn habit

Well, no, she's not really is she. It's not a massive post to read. Her points are quite clear:

after years of ED and no interest in sex

Many times I've asked him if he's gay or watches porn. It's the lying and disregard for my feelings over the years that has shellshocked me.

There is a lot more going on here than him simply watching porn.

And, you haven't given her any advice at all Space other than, what, get over it?

Darkesteyes · 31/10/2014 21:31

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Fri 31-Oct-14 21:12:31
Many men have longstanding ED due to various and complicated reasons. Most of those men still need to masturbate.

You IMPLIED mens needs are greater with this post. I smell MRA.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 21:32

Have any of you had any experience of a man with ED? It is not as clear cut as many of you seem to think.

Fairenuff · 31/10/2014 21:33

Have any of you had any experience of a man with ED? It is not as clear cut as many of you seem to think.

Well OP certainly has, so why don't you listen to her hey, there's a novel idea.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 21:34

I MEANT, obviously, that they still feel the urge to masturbate, not that they physically NEED to. Gawd. And wtf is MRA?

gildedcage · 31/10/2014 21:35

OP there are a lot of us here who have some experience of this.

You are totally entitled to not agree with porn, you are also entitled to feel devastated that you feel that you have been living a lie and don't even know your own husband.

You are entitled to feel angry. I hope that some time apart will give you an opportunity to consider what you want for your future.

Darkesteyes · 31/10/2014 21:35

What really pisses me off about these situations is if the OP looked for a bit of affection elsewhere society would see her as the one in the wrong.

Marriage............great for men

Fucking shit for women!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 21:38

So, dark, not going to enlighten me about MRA then?

Fairenuff · 31/10/2014 21:39

I MEANT, obviously, that they still feel the urge to masturbate, not that they physically NEED to

No, it wasn't obvious. A lot of what you have been posting sounds ignorant and insensitive to the OP, certainly not helpful. What do you advice OP to do now?

Darkesteyes · 31/10/2014 21:42

Mens Rights Activist.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 21:42

I'm not advising the OP to do anything. She asked a question- I offered her my opinion on the porn question. Only she really knows whether her marriage is worth saving. We don't know either of them.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 21:44

MEN'S RIGHTS ACTIVIST???! Simply for saying he may not be a bad person??! For god's sake.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 31/10/2014 21:44

Hi all, We are talking. Sorry, haven't time to read back but will later. Thank you for all your support.

OP posts:
Catzeyess · 31/10/2014 21:45

Op how are you? Hope you are ok this evening. Thinking of you.

I've been told this website has lots of good info on it, there is a whole section on porn linked ED

yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change

Fairenuff · 31/10/2014 21:46

She asked a question- I offered her my opinion on the porn question

What porn question? Where has OP asked a question? What, in fact, are you talking about?