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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discovered porn habit 22 years together

166 replies

purplelavendar · 31/10/2014 12:58

Following my family thread yesterday it seems my life is destined to be an Eastenders plot line. Discovered my husband at 6am in the bath watching porn.

This is after years of ED and no interest in sex. Any interest I pushed for he'd want me on top, to always see me, to be shaven - you get the picture.

Many times I've asked him if he's gay or watches porn. It's the lying and disregard for my feelings over the years that has shellshocked me. I don't know him.

On another note I'm far from prudish but after looking online this morning, it's gross and totally exploitative of women. Nice.

Feel numb.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 31/10/2014 21:49

He IS a bad person because he has been deliberately lying to and decieving and neglecting his wife in favour of wanking off to strangers. FFS!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 21:50

Erm.... What in fact, are YOU talking about, Fair?

InfinitySeven · 31/10/2014 21:54

Stop derailing the thread. The OP hasn't asked for opinions on porn, in either direction. She hasn't asked what other people think.

She is looking for support after finding out that her husband has lied, and watched porn, throughout a long relationship. Those things are not acceptable in her relationship, which is what matters here.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 21:56

Ok, sorry, her husband is obviously a bastard. Better?

Fairenuff · 31/10/2014 21:57

Erm.... What in fact, are YOU talking about, Fair?

I'm asking you to back up what you are saying. You posted this:

She asked a question- I offered her my opinion on the porn question

In fact, OP has posted no such question. She didn't ask for opinions on porn. I think that in your haste to force your unrequested opinion on OP, you have actually neglected to read her posts.

That's why I ask what you're talking about. It's certainly nothing in response to OP's actual situation.

Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 22:02

There's no point in making Space talk about anything other than justifying men's needs despite the emotional costs to others. Including children in family situations.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 22:03

Right. The OP is clearly upset after discovering her husband watching porn. I am trying to offer her comfort by saying, you know, he may not be a bad person just because he uses porn. He may just have problems with sex within your relationship which could be sorted out.
Thats what I'm talking about.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 22:04

But then of course, I'm a raving MRA, possibly even a man in disguise, so what do I know

Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 22:06

Just because he uses porn ? Not everyone agrees with porn actually? Hello?

Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 22:07

Thought you were a man actually. Surprised !!

Fairenuff · 31/10/2014 22:09

The OP is clearly upset after discovering her husband watching porn.

No she's not. You are completely missing the point. She is upset that they have no sex life and he lied to her for years. Hey, if you don't mind your partner lying, that's fine for you, but most of us do.

Can we move on now?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 22:09

I realise not everyone agrees with porn. That's not my point. My point is that whether one likes it or not, it doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 22:10

Feel free to move on fair. I'm not stopping you

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 31/10/2014 22:12

Blimey this is like trying to have a reasonable discussion with UKIP voters

Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 22:13

Try to keep up Space. Are you reading all the comments? As previously said it is the secretive nature of the use and the ED etc.

Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 22:13

What?

Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 22:15

This is all very hairy handed. Will leave thread till OP returns to discuss her needs.

Fairenuff · 31/10/2014 22:15

My point is that whether one likes it or not, it doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.

No-one on this thread said that porn use made him a bad person. Posters said that neglecting his wife and lying to her made him a bad husband.

Fontella · 31/10/2014 22:16

Blimey this is like trying to have a reasonable discussion with UKIP voters

Absolutely pathetic.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 01/11/2014 06:48

Morning all, sorry I wasn't around last night.

I see it got a bit heated. Space, I appreciate you contributing but as others explained, this isn't a porn debate. My husband has lied to and cold-shouldered me for years (many years) . Thank you for trying to explain, those of you that did.

I now realise he can only 'communicate' through porn style sex and it's almost as if he stayed a 15 year old boy.

I'm very confused and upset. The relationship has nowhere to go now.

He was very sorry, disgusted, absolutely got that he'd lied to me and when I presented the scenario with me behaving the same way, he shook his head and put his head in his hands.

Fundamentally he is a good person but I do believe very 'twisted' for some reason. I know I can't carry on from this and will never trust him again after his disregard for me.

Sorry if I have missed any questions but to answer one....the ED started when I decided I wanted us to improve our sex life and connect more - he was always detached and never initiated sex. I don't know if he was using porn then but I do know that his usage really started about a year later when we bought IPhones. So possibly he started using it more because I wanted to sort our sex life out and he wasn't emotionally and physically able to. Or he turned to it because of the ED. (Not explained that well) I think more the latter, but only he knows. Thank you for the links people provided, (sorry can't scroll up for names on phone). Evidently the porn made his ED worse and he now only gets a partial erection and goes soft inside me or doesn't get an erection at all. He has become desensitised to 'normal' sex I believe which is what I suspected many times when I asked him about the porn. I suspected it was this or that he was gay. Great eh. I truly believed him though - what a mug. He has kicked me very hard in the stomach - I have that gut wrenching pain. But I'll be okay. Just got a lot of things to get my head around.

I will be reading today but maybe not posting. Thank you to everyone who 'got it' and supported/offered advice.

OP posts:
Clarabumps · 01/11/2014 08:23

OP this is truly awful, I don't know how you are coping today but you seem to have a good handle of what is going on here. For what it's worth, although everything seems very much up in the air just now, at least now you KNOW what the fuck is going on and are not blaming yourself. It's just such a shitty thing to happen when he had every opportunity to be straight with you.
It's the deception that's the worst thing when you were trying to connect knowing you had fuck all chance to.

I cannot imagine what you are going through but you are doing really well. I'm amazed at your strength.

Lots of Love to you.

Joysmum · 01/11/2014 08:34

I'm so sorry to read this and wish you strength for whatever you need to do from here on in.

I reckon ED support groups are going to be your way forward to try to understand and work through your discovery from people who actually have knowledge of the subject and can actually be of help.

I also wish other posters would show you respect and keep their squabbles to themselves by PM.

Darkesteyes · 01/11/2014 14:15

Wow Reminds me of being back at school when i stood up for myself or someone else when they were making excuses for wrong behaviour or bullying and got the blame.

OP He has treated you absolutely appallingly. Severe marital neglect on his part.

Original poster
purplelavendar · 01/11/2014 20:39

Still needing support. Sorry if I'm weak. Got through a social commitment with him today. Now I'm home and angry. It's the lies. The outright lies - hard to swallow. I always knew he had his issues but thought he was a good decent person. Carpet well and truly swept away. Other past situations make sense now but I'm in no state to eloquently explain.

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 01/11/2014 20:47

Oh no I know how you feel. Deep breathing. You're not weak you got through the day so be proud of yourself. By the way you sound so reasonable about it all.

What's he doing about it? Hope he's being supportive.