Has anyone chosen to stay with an abusive partner? And did it have a happy ending?

[snowflake02]

I have posted a couple of times before here and I'm afraid to say that I am still with him, still trying to get my head together.

Everything has been calm for the last couple of months, but I don't know how long it will last, or if he has truly changed.

I think the question I keep coming back to is whether or not it is possible to re-build trust in someone after it has gone? Or once trust has been broken, is it gone forever? I don't know if I will ever feel truly comfortable with him again, but is that enough reason to destroy my children's family? (Obviously if his abusive behaviour started again that would be different. I have promised myself that there will be no more second chances and this time I really mean it).

I say this on mumsnet all of the time. You are not giving your children a happy family while staying with an abuser.

What you are doing is teaching them abuse. Just like someone taught your own dh abuse.

When your dc grow up the abuse will manifest itself somehow into their lives and relationships.

Witnessing abuse and being abused is how people go on to be abusers. Yes I am generalising here and I am aware some people recognise the cycle and break it but that's very rare.

You may well say that your children see nothing and hear nothing. Not true, we all knew a great deal of what was happening to our parents relationship when younger even when they never told us.

Lots of abusers do nothing for months but then they strike again once they feel able to do so.

Sorry I'm finding it hard to be positive here but I do wish you and your children the best. Good luck

No I would be either dead or dribbling in a corner now.

Re your kids.. you are setting them up for a lifetime of mental health problems. Have a look at emotionally unstable personality disorder. When you have kids you don't have the right to subject them to parental abuse.

Give your head a wobble and leave the cunt.

I stayed with my now EXh even when he got police caution, letter from SS about my DS.

Eventually I realised both my son and myself were not safe , we ended up in a refuge. Tee HV there told me these men do the minimum to get you back.

Are you still walking on egg shells? I am guessing so from your post. If you can't trust you not to hurt yourself or your kids you can never be yourself with them.

if you think the calm will break in the future, you must be looking over your shoulder all the time - am i right?

this is no way to live, get out now, whilst it's calm, and make a better life for you and the children.

I don't know if I will ever feel truly comfortable with him again, but is that enough reason to destroy my children's family?

Yes.

Your family has already been 'destroyed'. You don't feel comfortable in it. What lesson do you want your children to learn from that?

What every one else is saying.

When I was weighing up whether to leave my abusive ex-h, one of the many things I realised was that spending the rest of my days always on my guard, apprehensive about when and whether his abusive behaviour would start up again, was simply no way to live. Being able to trust your partner should be a given.

That, and protecting any children from absorbing the dynamics of abusive relationships.

I'm sure I would say the same to anyone else, but I'm having trouble applying the same logic to myself.

He has never been physically violent, it is mainly emotional/verbal, messing with my head type stuff.

I'm just so scared of going it alone. But i'm also scared of staying where I am for the rest of my life, knowing that I don't/can't feel the same about him anymore as I once did.

PS: leaving an abusive man is a happy ending. It is an affirmation of your self-respect; of your right to have a safe and happy life. It is also a much happier outcome for your kids.

What is actually holding you back?

x-post.

Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone is understandable. But it's just fear. It can be overcome.

I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. I'm scared I can't do it by myself. I'm scared I will miss him and regret ending it. But I'm also scared I will regret not ending it. I'm scared I will break my children's hearts. And we are totally dependant on him financially.

Whilst there maybe some relationships which have overcome abuse, I personally couldn't imagine being able to move on with that partner 100% I'd constantly be on my guard ,on edge etc... For instance, slightly different situation ,but my mother was occasionally abusive when I was younger, nothing major but enough to be called that. Since I've left home 7 years ago things have been great and I do feel that she realises acting the way she did wasn't right BUT doesn't mean I still don't get the anxiety when I feel a disagreement happening. You never forget what they're capable of.

Are you married? You will be entitled to some financial help that way.

I think you are in denial over the damage this relationship will do to your children. Believe me you will see it when they head into their own relationships.

You can't make this right, I feel it is doomed. What it will do if you stay is ruin you, your esteem and damage your children in ways you don't think are possible.

Snowflake do you know if he was abused or witnessed it as a kid?

No trust - no relationship. There is nothing to rescue and or save here.
You are teaching them abuse.

Fear keeps you within this but you're already afraid of him now. A life without him in it day to day will be a life without you being abused by him.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.

The wrong decision here is to at all stay with this man who by harming you emotionally is also harming his children. He does not have to hit you to hurt you. He neither cares about them or you for that matter, you are a possession to him to use as he sees fit.

Not all abusers are nasty all the time and there is calm for now but the abuse will return. They can do nice/nasty very well but that cycle is a continuous one.

The longer you stay with him, the more chance he has to mess with your head. Your childrens family is already broken and it will not be repaired so long as you are all with this man who is harming you and them by emotionally abusing you. Your children will not say, "thanks mum" for staying with him but will wonder of you why you stayed and put him before them. They will despise you for doing that to them.

They see and hear far more than you care to realise and they are learning from the two of you about relationships.

Womens Aid can and will help you here, you need to call them on 0808 2000 247; they have heard all this before and can help you leave.

You have a choice re him Snowflake, your children do not. Your children want to see their mother happy and they are currently seeing a miserable and frightened mother. They will never see you happy so long as you remain within this and not get this abuser out of yours and their lives.

What do you want them to remember about their childhoods, surely not this?.

You never forget what they're capable of.
That is exactly what I am afraid of. I don't want to live the rest of my life remembering and wondering when/if it will happen again.

We are married, yes. Does that not mean I should try to forgive and see if we can make it work?

His father was very abusive towards his mother. When I first met his father he was a scary man, but he seems to have undergone a dramatic transformation in the last 6 years.

So snowflake you know that he has became his father don't you? Can you handle your son becoming his father?

Well marriage gives you some financial security, it's no reason to stay and be abused.

Does you dh recognise he abuses you because of what he saw as a child? Does he know his own dc could go that way?

Re your comment:-
"His father was very abusive towards his mother"

Are you surprised by that fact?.

That fact is of no surprise to me whatsoever. Abuse can be learnt and your man learnt those lessons in how to abuse from his father. His father may be older now but his fundamental nature has not altered.

Your children, if you choose to stay, will learn how to abuse and control others.

"We are married, yes. Does that not mean I should try to forgive and see if we can make it work?"

He is not worthy of being forgiven by you.

No it is not working and to be honest its been one sided in his favour from the very early days as well. You cannot make what is both an abusive at its heart relationship ever work out also because he will never co-operate. He will destroy you and your children in the end, he is more than happy to drag you all down with him.

Such men like your H hate women as well, all of them (in particular his own mother).

Despite foolishly wanting to be loyal to my abusive partner, because I thought I loved him, I left after 15 years. Partly because I realised he would never change as the nice/nasty cycle had been going on for the whole 15 years. Partly because I just became 'allergic' to the abuse, I just couldn't take any more. Partly because I realised that even if he did change then the damage was already done to the relationship. Partly because I realised that even if he did make an effort I didn't want a man who had to try hard to be nice, I wanted a genuinely nice man. So I left and have never been happier. I was fine on my own and have now met the nicest, calmest man possible, I still can't believe how lovely he is as my only previous relationship was abusive. I appreciate my new life every day though still feel sad about the ex though I am trying not to. My ex's Father was abusive so the cycle does repeat sadly. So yes the answer is to leave him because they dont change and the damage is done. Good luck x

I think that he does now recognise that he has been abusive towards me, but I'm not sure he would equate it with his father as they are very different in their tactics (from what I know of his parents relationship anyway).

The thought of my son following suit is terrifying. As is the thought of my girls ending up where I am now, or worse.

Perhaps though I am making too much of everything? Perhaps it isn't really that bad after all? He can be perfectly nice for months at a time, so perhaps the children are fine? They adore him and he adores them.

I also think he does love me. He just has some issues. Quite complex ones probably. I don't think he is a bad person, I think he has done some bad things though.

What are the bad things snowflake? Can you give examples

The thing is with abuse, its all done in a calculated way to control you. Including the being nice for months because if they weren't, then you would definitely leave. So it's all deliberate and calculating. Which does, I think, make him a bad person. My ex had lots of issues like depression but in the end, the abuse was a separate unrelated issue. If you haven't read the Lundy Bancroft book then definitely do so as it really opened my eyes to what was going on.

I think you're clutching at straws. It's understandable if you find the idea of independence daunting. Victims of abuse often suffer from low confidence & low self-esteem following years of ill treatment. They find it very tough to break free as a result. Children don't really suffer from being removed from a home where abuse is present. The welfare and legal systems enable single women with children to live independently - unlike in the past when women really were unable to exist solo. But you know this already.

All I would add when it comes to being able to trust an abusive man again is this....... Never mistake the temporary cessation of hostility for kindness

It is really hard to explain, most of it sounds like nothing.

He messes with my head by constantly changing his opinions, denies he has said things or that we even had the conversation. He tells me I am mentally ill, that I can't manage to get the children to school without him. He has used emotional blackmail/guilt to get sex, he has raped me ('only' a couple of times - I know how that sounds), has threatened to take the children from me, told me I am a hopeless mother, tells me I have no idea how I come across to people, told me I am an embarasment...

When I read it back it sounds worse than I thought. But he is not like that all the time. He can also be very generous and helpful with the children and round the house, lets me have lie ins etc.

This might seem random but....

On a bus one day I listened as a woman stood and told us why she was so happy. She'd booked a holiday, the first in her lifetime.

She had the money because her husband had died. Now, she had control of all the resources he'd controlled. She intended to spend every last penny of 'his' money. And, he couldn't hit her any more.

She was eighty years old.

So yes, there might be a happy ending. But don't wait for it. Leave and take it now.