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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Has anyone chosen to stay with an abusive partner? And did it have a happy ending?

108 replies

snowflake02 · 25/10/2014 20:57

I have posted a couple of times before here and I'm afraid to say that I am still with him, still trying to get my head together.

Everything has been calm for the last couple of months, but I don't know how long it will last, or if he has truly changed.

I think the question I keep coming back to is whether or not it is possible to re-build trust in someone after it has gone? Or once trust has been broken, is it gone forever? I don't know if I will ever feel truly comfortable with him again, but is that enough reason to destroy my children's family? (Obviously if his abusive behaviour started again that would be different. I have promised myself that there will be no more second chances and this time I really mean it).

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2014 22:21

Never mistake the temporary cessation of hostility for kindness.....

Quitelikely · 25/10/2014 22:23

Oh dear. I'm lost for words. So the man is a rapist?

My heart goes out to you but I fear that you aren't ready to take the leap.

Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2014 22:25

'.... helpful with the children,...let's me have lie-ins....'

In a healthy relationship these would be givens, not a reason to stick around for punishment. Your expectations are very low

snowflake02 · 25/10/2014 22:29

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe that is so sad.

Perhaps I do have low expectations. And perhaps I am not ready yet.

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/10/2014 22:34

We are married, yes. Does that not mean I should try to forgive and see if we can make it work?

No, absolutely not.

FunkyBoldRibena · 25/10/2014 22:36

How many times must he gaslight, abuse and rape you before you are ready to leave?

Pumpkinification · 25/10/2014 22:36

As long as you stay with this abusive man, you are showing your DCs it is ok to stay with an abuser & put up with being abused.
You are showing them that he means more to you than they do. If they don't know now what he is like, they will realise it one day. And will model their future relationships on it. I did.

Lullabullacoo · 25/10/2014 22:40

Snowflake I was in the same situation 7 months ago. I couldn't decide what to do and swithered for months. I saw a divorce lawyer (secretly) who gave me advice and said that one day you will suddenly click and realize you need to go. Two months later I couldn't take it anymore and I did. I cannot begin to describe the relief I felt as I drove away. My children struggled initially but they are coming out of the other side and my 6 year old now says he is happier than ever before though he misses the STBXH. He has flourished at school and is so confident now.
I won't say you won't have bad days and guilt about 'destroying' your family, but it is your DH that has done it. I can honestly say I do not miss my ex at all - it is the thought of a partner I miss, but he never was one. I feel more like myself than I have in 10 years. When you are ready, plan,plan,plan and go. I believe the abuse will return and in my experience it will just escalate. I wish you luck and happiness.

snowflake02 · 25/10/2014 22:43

Reading back the list of examples feels like I am reading about someone else's life. It doesn't seem real.

This might be a stupid question, but the children will never know about the rape and coercion, so will it still effect them that it has happened? Not even sure if that makes sense.

Will they really figure it all out some day?

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Lullabullacoo · 25/10/2014 22:47

They see it more than you think. And if he is treating you so badly in private then it will be evident to others in other ways. My son picked up lots and was quoting things his father said to me. It was devastating hearing him say it to me too. Many friends have now said now how uncomfortable they were with his behaviour and he behaved in public.
How old are your children?

snowflake02 · 25/10/2014 22:52

They are 2 - 6 years old.

He is very charming in public generally. The perfect host. The perfect husband. The perfect father. He has slipped up once or twice but this was turned into something that was my fault.

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SelfLoathing · 25/10/2014 22:57

It is really hard to explain, most of it sounds like nothing.

What you describe is DEFINITELY not "nothing".

He messes with my head by constantly changing his opinions, denies he has said things or that we even had the conversation. He tells me I am mentally ill, that I can't manage to get the children to school without him. He has used emotional blackmail/guilt to get sex, he has raped me ('only' a couple of times - I know how that sounds), has threatened to take the children from me, told me I am a hopeless mother, tells me I have no idea how I come across to people, told me I am an embarasment..

I suggest you google terms like "gaslighting", "emotional abuse", "narcissistic personality disorder" etc. The more you read about this, the more you will realise that you aren't alone and this is serious emotional abuse.

What you describe is very typical of narcissists and emotional abusers. They break you down by denying stuff ever happened (when it did) - taping conversations is the only way to combat this definitively) convincing you you are going mad. Then they are all charming and hoover you back in. It's a nasty evil cycle.

starlight1234 · 25/10/2014 23:01

yes it will affect them.. MY DS was 10 months old when we left. there had been violence but mostly it was EA... Despite the fact he has never been one of lives great sleepers even to this day the night we left despite been in a strange place .He was sharing a single bed for me as they didn't have a cot for him when we arrived he slept so restfully.. It was shocking..

My SW told me something called intermitent reinforcement or something like that which is basically the abusive men show you a glimpse of the nice man you were and you crave that man you feel in love with and that is why you stay. Once you figure out the nice guy is the act is is easy.

It is scary leaving esp when you have been controlled but soon you confidence returns, life is easier without an EA man in your life.

Womens aid are fantastic for advise do give them a call and also I would advise you to look at the freedom program. I have read you can do it online. It will really help your understanding

iloverunning36 · 25/10/2014 23:05

Take the baby step of this - if you leave now then you will give him the impetus/motive to change. He has to do it. If you stay you are condoning his behaviour (not that you are to blame in any way shape or form - you've probably been trying to fix him or love him better for a while but you didn't break him!) if he is capable of change then he'll do it. I left a verbally and emotionally abusive man (who grew up with a horrible stepfather) 3 weeks ago and within 2 days my kids were happier and I was actually smiling again. Yes I still get upset but I really really don't want to go back. If you cannot face leaving him permanently then somehow make that temporary break and experience what freedom is like so that you can make an informed choice. My own "d"h said I'd never get let back if I left but he is now pleading for me to return. strength to you

Lullabullacoo · 25/10/2014 23:08

Oh Snowflake, same ages as mine. And I always felt DH was charming but turned out people could see through his BS. I was terrified at leaving and having no one to support me- but friends & family have been amazing. My STBXH said same stuff to me about craziness and messing with my head. I thought it was all me but I realized it wasn't when I left and could be more objective. Keep looking at your list of examples of his behaviour , it will help you. And think of all the other relationships you see in your life. Does anyone else live like you? Do you want to spend your life on eggshells? You deserve your happiness too. If you are happier then so will your children be.

Lullabullacoo · 25/10/2014 23:11

PS freedom programme is amazing. Really helps you see clearly. And try t h e Lundy Bancroft books

Pandora37 · 25/10/2014 23:12

So he has been physically violent to you then if he's raped you. If you had been raped by any other man would you forgive them? Probably not, so why should he be any different just because he's your husband.

I understand how hard it is to leave someone who has never hit you or anything like that because you feel like what he does isn't "real" abuse therefore it doesn't qualify. But it does. You should do the Freedom Programme if you haven't already, it's really opened my eyes to how these men work. I agree sadly that he's being okay now to lure you back in but it will start up again eventually. Have you got a friend or anyone who you can talk to about this and could help you if you do decide to leave?

snowflake02 · 26/10/2014 05:58

Thank you everyone - I will look into the Freedom programme.

I'm not sure how people would react if I did end it. My sister doesn't seem to believe that he is really abusive as she has never seen him in full flow, so therefore it doesn't exist. I'm not sure my parents would be too happy about it either. And then there is his family to contend with. I rely on his mum for help with the children.

I have one amazing friend who has been there for me since I told him out of desperation and fear at the beginning of the year. He wants me to kick him out. He has so much going on himself at the moment though that I don't want to bother him.

I feel very guilty calling what happened rape. He wasn't violent so it could have been a lot worse. Perhaps I am being really unfair as he claims it was a misunderstanding.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2014 06:11

With respect, your sister, your family and all the rest are not living your life, you are. If people don't believe you are telling the truth about his behaviour then they're not worth your time.

Have the courage of your convictions, however, and you will find that the people that really matter will respect you for it.

snowflake02 · 26/10/2014 06:58

I really hope so.

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FunkyBoldRibena · 26/10/2014 07:05

Yeah, a misunderstanding. Right. Well, he would say that if he can get away with it, wouldnt he?

My advice is to forget about everyone else. Kids, parents, sisters. None of these people are in the relatuonship - you are. Any one of those things above is enough to end a relationsip. You could end the relationship for none of those things, if you so choose. You are not bound together with chains - as an adult in the UK in the 21st century, you have a choice.

I suggest you choose for yourself, and then your kids - not your wider family. Many people who see their parents in abusive relationships have happier lives once they are out of that abusive relationship. I've never read about someone who preferred their mother to be abused than not to be honest.

snowflake02 · 26/10/2014 07:09

That is a very good point. I am caught up worrying about the children rather than thinking about what I actually want from life. If we didn't have children I think I would have already left. But who knows.

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FunkyBoldRibena · 26/10/2014 07:14

So, the question is, why does having children make it easier to stay with a rapist abuser than not? Do you really think you are doing them a favour keeping them in this toxic environment?

sleeplessbunny · 26/10/2014 07:14

My DM thought she could make an abusive relationship work "for the sake of the children". And, in reality, because she was scared of the alternative, both from a practical point of view and the shame she thought it would bring on her. 20 yrs later, finally divorced and free, she is just starting to rebuild her confidence. She has spent around half of her life living with someone who had no respect for her and she is psychologically wrecked. I really wish she had had better support at the time, maybe then she would have left him. Needless to say, it didn't exactly work out brilliantly for the "kids" either.

sleeplessbunny · 26/10/2014 07:18

It has taken me years to realise just how much my parent's dysfunctional relationship has affected me. It establishes a pattern and expectations for your own relationships. If you stay you will be harming your kids more than if you leave, it just won't be as obvious straight away.

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