Has anyone chosen to stay with an abusive partner? And did it have a happy ending?

[snowflake02]

I have posted a couple of times before here and I'm afraid to say that I am still with him, still trying to get my head together.

Everything has been calm for the last couple of months, but I don't know how long it will last, or if he has truly changed.

I think the question I keep coming back to is whether or not it is possible to re-build trust in someone after it has gone? Or once trust has been broken, is it gone forever? I don't know if I will ever feel truly comfortable with him again, but is that enough reason to destroy my children's family? (Obviously if his abusive behaviour started again that would be different. I have promised myself that there will be no more second chances and this time I really mean it).

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Put it this way. If your son does that to all his girlfriends and your daughters also fall for someone who does this to them - will you flush with pride that you managed to parent them so well that they are carrying this through to their kids, and their kids and so on...How about if your daughter calls you up one day to say that her husband has hit her, will you say 'oh love, it's just what we do. Be strong.'?

You shouldn't have to be strong to put up with abuse. You should be yourself and have no abuse. That's the bottom line.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Oh, and I left after the first punch.

I went to work the next day, came home, packed my stuff and said I was off. I gave him the ultimatum that he could leave or I was. He got his mummy round and she cried and I just went. Only returned to get some larger items of my stuff. Left loads of stuff including all my baby pics when I was little. But it was worth it not to get it again. And I've never had it again.

[Theorientcalf]

This is such a sad thread. No, is the answer OP. Whatever you do don't place the burden of staying on to your children, that's an immense pressure for them to deal with. And they will know, children know more than you realise.

I have a couple of friends who wished their parents had split up, one of them now really resents their mum because of it. You'd be setting a good example by showing that abuse is wrong and should not be tolerated. Don't teach them that it's ok, none of it is ok. Your DH's behaviour is appalling.

The only thing you need to do is leave, you deserve so much more than this.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

I am sorry but there is no way your children don't see 95% of the abuse he directs at you. They may not catch the words but they know the dynamic. My mum thought she was keeping it from us. How wrong she was. The look in her eyes was very easy to read, especially by a child that uses so many non verbal cues to make sense of their world.

And the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none

[GoatsDoRoam]

I would call your questions sad, rather than stupid.

I find it sad that you are even asking.

[Theorientcalf]

And the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none

100% this.

You're thinking it's ok because he's made you think it's ok. It really isn't. Some abuse isn't ok. You shouldn't have to tolerate anything, you are worth so much more than this. And your DC deserve a happy mum.

[snowflake02]

I don't want my children to be harmed by any of this, or for them to resent me. But I am worried they will resent me either way. They adore him.

I will keep reminding myself that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I am slowly untangling everything in my mind, even if it doesn't sound like it!

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

When I was little, I used to spend a lot of time trying to make my dad be nice. To me, to my mum. He was, sometimes, and I would feel on top of the world. But I never knew when he would flip back to nasty/belittling.

Death by a thousand cuts. So many highs followed by the depths of the low. Each time I died a little more inside and turned it inward like it was my fault.

I loved him, of course I did. That's what kids do. But he was never grown up enough to be consistent. Kids crave consistency and they will damage themselves seeking it out. My mum I am sure thought she was shielding me from it. She wasn't.