Has anyone chosen to stay with an abusive partner? And did it have a happy ending?

[snowflake02]

I have posted a couple of times before here and I'm afraid to say that I am still with him, still trying to get my head together.

Everything has been calm for the last couple of months, but I don't know how long it will last, or if he has truly changed.

I think the question I keep coming back to is whether or not it is possible to re-build trust in someone after it has gone? Or once trust has been broken, is it gone forever? I don't know if I will ever feel truly comfortable with him again, but is that enough reason to destroy my children's family? (Obviously if his abusive behaviour started again that would be different. I have promised myself that there will be no more second chances and this time I really mean it).

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

When I was little, I used to spend a lot of time trying to make my dad be nice. To me, to my mum. He was, sometimes, and I would feel on top of the world. But I never knew when he would flip back to nasty/belittling.

Death by a thousand cuts. So many highs followed by the depths of the low. Each time I died a little more inside and turned it inward like it was my fault.

I loved him, of course I did. That's what kids do. But he was never grown up enough to be consistent. Kids crave consistency and they will damage themselves seeking it out. My mum I am sure thought she was shielding me from it. She wasn't.

[snowflake02]

I don't want my children to be harmed by any of this, or for them to resent me. But I am worried they will resent me either way. They adore him.

I will keep reminding myself that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I am slowly untangling everything in my mind, even if it doesn't sound like it!

[Theorientcalf]

And the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none

100% this.

You're thinking it's ok because he's made you think it's ok. It really isn't. Some abuse isn't ok. You shouldn't have to tolerate anything, you are worth so much more than this. And your DC deserve a happy mum.

[GoatsDoRoam]

I would call your questions sad, rather than stupid.

I find it sad that you are even asking.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

I am sorry but there is no way your children don't see 95% of the abuse he directs at you. They may not catch the words but they know the dynamic. My mum thought she was keeping it from us. How wrong she was. The look in her eyes was very easy to read, especially by a child that uses so many non verbal cues to make sense of their world.

And the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none

[Theorientcalf]

This is such a sad thread. No, is the answer OP. Whatever you do don't place the burden of staying on to your children, that's an immense pressure for them to deal with. And they will know, children know more than you realise.

I have a couple of friends who wished their parents had split up, one of them now really resents their mum because of it. You'd be setting a good example by showing that abuse is wrong and should not be tolerated. Don't teach them that it's ok, none of it is ok. Your DH's behaviour is appalling.

The only thing you need to do is leave, you deserve so much more than this.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Oh, and I left after the first punch.

I went to work the next day, came home, packed my stuff and said I was off. I gave him the ultimatum that he could leave or I was. He got his mummy round and she cried and I just went. Only returned to get some larger items of my stuff. Left loads of stuff including all my baby pics when I was little. But it was worth it not to get it again. And I've never had it again.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Put it this way. If your son does that to all his girlfriends and your daughters also fall for someone who does this to them - will you flush with pride that you managed to parent them so well that they are carrying this through to their kids, and their kids and so on...How about if your daughter calls you up one day to say that her husband has hit her, will you say 'oh love, it's just what we do. Be strong.'?

You shouldn't have to be strong to put up with abuse. You should be yourself and have no abuse. That's the bottom line.

[snowflake02]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope you find the strength to leave Bodumfan. Happy I'm sorry for your situation - I had not thought about the future. Justatoe Well done for managing to leave.

None of the abuse is directed at the children so I keep telling myself they don't know, how can they? But I do know and understand that they are like sponges and absorb everything that goes on around them. But 95% of the time we are alone when something happens. There has been very little they have actually seen or heard. So how can I be setting them a good example by not putting up with something they don't know or understand is actually happening? I'm sorry if this is a stupid question. There was a point where it was undoubtedly effecting them as I had shut down and wasn't functioning well at all, but 18 months of therapy has solved that and I think I am doing so much better than I was.

I ask myself if I can live with it now I am feeling stronger - should I just try to toughen up mentally and carry on seeing as it isn't constant and isn't directed at the children. Is it best not to rock the boat and turn their worlds upside down if they aren't effected? Or is there really no possible way that they aren't still effected in some way? Again, I'm sorry if this is a stupid question. I'm just terrified of getting it wrong.

[Justatoe]

I left after 20 years, much the same scenarios as yours. The first time I heard my (teenage) daughter really belly laugh at home made the leaving worth it.
It was incredibly hard but:
Seeing a newly confident, popular girl finally fulfilling her potential at school.
Friends telling me how happy and relaxed I seem
Being in a relationship where I am accepted for being me
Mean I honestly wish I had left sooner. Please don't leave it too long...you and your DC are entitled to live without fear.

[bodumfan]

*for me either!

xx

[bodumfan]

happy, thanks for your sweet words - really appreciated.

No, I don't want to be your mother in another decade. I won't ever side with him..and yet by still being here that's what it seems like to my kids doesn't it?

Sorry, Snowflake, to thread-creep. Don't wait, don't hope, don't deny...the real, hard, inconvenient truth is you are heading for more pain and maybe years of regret. It's not too late for you - hell, maybe it's not too late me me either!

xxx

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

BF: that is a very brave post

I am the adult child in your scenario, my mother is you 20 years on

she still hasn't left him

my sibling and I have very limited contact with our parents because it is too painful to witness the continued dysfunction and our own children hardly know their grandparents. I have told my mother, when she complains she hardly sees us that she made her choice a long time ago, and I do not want to breathe the same air as him. She sides with him. She has to, to make the wasted years make some sense to her. She loves him, see and is too damaged to function on her own

don't let your sadness at how long you have waited to go paralyse you...there is another generation around the corner that may be lost to you if you do not take action

I don't say this to criticise or make you feel worse than you already do. I am being as honest as you were.

[bodumfan]

I've NC for this.

To go back to your original question...yes, I "chose" to stay with my EA husband. I've been married 23 years. I wish I'd had MN in the early years..I had no idea what was happening. Here's what I thought:

I minimised the EA and told myself he was just a grumpy git.
I told myself I had made my bed - now I had to lie in it.
that I could "manage" him and the situation.
that I was strong and resilient
that I could protect my kids and give them confidence and self-esteem despite him.
that I had nowhere really to go anyway if I left
that I would hurt and shame my parents..who had given me a happy and protected childhood
etc...

Now: I don't love him, I have no respect for him, our beautiful kids (late teens/early 20's) dislike him intensely - he still bullies them. They know everything in our relationship is wrong. I'm terrified of the damage I must have done them by choosing such a bad father.

The happy family I thought I would have seems to be completely dysfunctional.

I remember the day I realised I didn't care what he thought - when he was ranting about something - I just looked at the wall in front of me and realised that everything he said was total and utter rubbish. It made me feel stronger, but I still didn't leave.

I think I will leave eventually, I know I can and I should... I'm strong but I'm very very

[snowflake02]

I suppose it probably is.

Thank you everyone for all the support and patience. It is hugely appreciated.

[LurcioAgain]

You don't sound weak, Snowflake. Browbeaten by a raping bastard, yes, but not weak. You are not over-reacting. He is trying to persuade you to under-react, in fact, not to react at all, because that is in his interests, and it is all about self-interest for him.

Good luck working through this, and keep talking to us.

[Anniegetyourgun]

he has told me so many times I over react, that I'm unreasonable, nobody else thinks like me etc

Well he would, wouldn't he?

[snowflake02]

Yes I think you are right. I hadn't realised that's what I'm doing so thank you for pointing it out! I don't know how to stop though as I need validation for pretty much everything as he has told me so many times I over react, that I'm unreasonable, nobody else thinks like me etc. self belief feels very frightening at the moment. I hate how week that sounds.

[DrCarolineTodd]

It sounds like you are looking for someone else's permission to see the truth.

You don't need it! You know it's true!

[snowflake02]

starlight it does help to think of as if it were someone else, thank you.

umbrellabird you sound incredibly brave. I'm pleased you have found a happy ending for you and your children.

dalekanium thank you - you have explained really clearly why I have not over reacted.

Thank you to everyone, as always your insight is so helpful to me trying to get my head together.

[dalekanium]

nothing else had happened other than the incident where he didn't take no for an answer, would I be over reacting to feel that I couldn't move past it

Fuck NO

You can't move past it for a reason. That reason is because it is a fucking horrendous thing for one human being to do to another. It will cast a shadow over the entire relationship. Always. Whenever you look at him a part of your mind, (the bit not brainwashed by the abusive nice/ nasty cycle) will always know, will always think

'this is a person who ignored my most absolute basic right, who heard me say no, over and over, but decided that their whim at that moment was more important than my fundamental rights as a person'

That might explain why there is no fucking way you are overreacting. You can't move past it because it can't be moved past. He thinks YOU don't matter compared to him.

Keep posting, please. Your instincts are spot on. Hopefully with the help of all these Amazing people here you can pull yourself out of this into a life you deserve. A life of happiness and respect.

[umbrellabird]

Hi Snowflake.
I don't usually post very much but you sound like me a few years ago. I was with my ex thirteen years. And most of them quite wonderful.He was a charming husband, absolutely fantastic Dad, was loved by his colleagues and my family. But there was always that feeling of cobwebs slowly spreading over my mind. I thought all the same thoughts as you, that I was over-dramatising things and we were all mostly happy so why rock the boat. We were living the dream, overseas, traveling lots, it was a fairy tale to me. A family, what I had always wanted. We could go for months, nearly a year at one point without any abusive outbursts. But one day he stood in front of me in the kitchen begging forgiveness and promising never to 'talk to me like that again' after a night of ranting how hopeless I was.' And I think he meant it, he loved us, I knew that. But I knew that I was the fool if I chose to stay that day because it was probably the 100th apology I had heard in our marriage. I saw my daughter and son playing in the room next door, and I knew that I had to leave for them. It took every effort to leave Heathrow airport a few days later, but I had two small hands in mine, and I had to survive. We all cried, my husband the most.
I didn't have a lot of support when I got home, my family thought I was mad, but they know now. And I am happy to say the kids and I have a small house by the sea and live happily. In peace.

[starlight1234]

Ok to put it into perspective....If you heard someone else's husband had raped them but had been a model husband both before and after but she never learnt to retrust him and never felt safe and secure any more so left he husband .. would you think OMG give the guy a chance or I am not suprised...

Sometimes thinking about it in terms of another person makes it easier to see.

Trust for me would be up there in my no.1 criteria if I ever met someone else.

[snowflake02]

Pandora thank you for the warning.

Lulla I have tried talking to my parents, but I'm not sure they really took it very seriously. I didn't feel able to go into detail. I have been seeing a therapist for a while now. If it wasn't for her I would still be in denial about everything I think. I spoke to WA after my previous thread and they were amazing. I never would have thought it would be ok for me to call them for help until it was suggested so many times here.

One last question that is on my mind - if nothing else had happened other than the incident where he didn't take no for an answer, would I be over reacting to feel that I couldn't move past it? I know that there a plenty of other things that have also happened, but I can't help wondering if I have blown it out of proportion as I don't feel able to just move on from it. I have lost all sense of perspective I think.

[LurcioAgain]

Lulla - thank you. Yes, I do worry (my spidey senses went off quite early on - a lot of people in our circle of friends dislike him - interestingly, a lot of the blokes dislike him). I am working on the "be there in case she opens up" principle.