Has anyone chosen to stay with an abusive partner? And did it have a happy ending?

[snowflake02]

I have posted a couple of times before here and I'm afraid to say that I am still with him, still trying to get my head together.

Everything has been calm for the last couple of months, but I don't know how long it will last, or if he has truly changed.

I think the question I keep coming back to is whether or not it is possible to re-build trust in someone after it has gone? Or once trust has been broken, is it gone forever? I don't know if I will ever feel truly comfortable with him again, but is that enough reason to destroy my children's family? (Obviously if his abusive behaviour started again that would be different. I have promised myself that there will be no more second chances and this time I really mean it).

Snowflakes - subjecting someone to sex when they are lying underneath you saying "no" repeatedly is an act of violence. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

And that counsellor should be struck off.

Snowflake I totally get that you aren't ready to leave yet. It takes time and a lot of other things.

I won't criticise you for it because I know it's complicated escaping from abuse. Lots of factors. Just keep coming back here for support etc

A couple of things.. firstly you said a few times he is not violent ..Except rape..Which obviously is violent

However it is the EA that is harder to deal with, bones mend bruises fade but confidence doesn't come back easily.

One of the things I found hardest about leaving my ex was it felt like I gave up on hope if I left him..

I also desperately wanted to be a family but we weren't. Kids know far more than you think they do . they pick up on your body language , how you respond , how different you are when he is not in the house. They may not say anything because this is normal to them

Don't see the point in criticising the counsellor. The counsellor is not psychic. They can only call what is put in front of them. If the guy puts on a good enough act, that's not the counsellor's fault.

Yes and that is why counselling is not recommended for abusers

I understand you completely on the family thing. My situation isn't the same as yours as I'm not married and don't have children, but my family did my utmost to get me to stay with my ex. He'd done some terrible things yet they'd make all the excuses under the sun for him and thought he was just wonderful. I told them about something that had happened and my own sister was like "so what?" which shocked me. My sister herself is an emotionally abusive relationship. I don't think her husband tries to control her like yours does but he puts her down all the time, told her she was ugly and fat etc. She stayed with him because she said she didn't think anyone else would have her. How sad. She married him and had children (he didn't want either to start off with) so she was successful in that sense but she's not happy. Everything that goes wrong is her fault according to him, he's never kind to her. Even my ex, who's a nasty piece of work, asked me if they love each other as they don't seem like they do. I suspect outsiders might pick up a bit more on your relationship than you realise. But my sister did make me question myself until I realised her perception is skewed.

Someone told me, who's a complete outsider, that she thought my ex was dangerously abusive to me and the fact I thought it wasn't abuse meant I needed help. Even now, I'm still not sure that what he did was abuse but having someone else say that did give me the strength to say no, I'm never going back despite my mother's nagging. My ex is also from a nasty background, grew up with domestic violence and an abusive step father. I felt guilty for leaving, like I was abandoning him when he's so damaged but he refused to get help. If it what happened to them is affecting them to the point that they're hurting others and they refuse to help themselves then we are under absolutely no obligation to stay. Also, another thing I've learnt about abusive men is that they need us more than we need them. They are very good at making us think that we can't cope without them yet when we do leave they fall to pieces. My sister left her husband once and the tears and begging was just embarrassing. She did go back to him as I said and he promised he'd go to anger management counselling which never happened and nothing really changed. When I left my ex he was threatening suicide yet funnily enough he's still alive. I feel so much better since I've left, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

So I just wanted to warn you that if you do try and leave, your husband will probably pull some manipulative bullshit to try and get you to stay. He'll promise you that he's changed and he may be so persuasive that you go back. But he hasn't changed - these men don't without extensive therapy. It may take you a few attempts to leave properly and I can see that you're not quite ready for it yet but I hope you do find the strength soon to do it. No matter what anyone in your family thinks, you deserve better than a bully for a husband.

Lurcioagain, in reference to your friend,that is the type of thing my 6yr old DS has said and there was DV and EA going on.
Snowflake consider speaking to your parents about what is happening. If they don't see it they will not know and I doubt they would condone you suffering as you are. Also re financials I had no access to money in my marriage. I didn't get the child benefit just an allowance from my husband. When I left I discovered that I was entitled to lots of benefits. And women's aid have been great. Try phoning and speaking to them. I saw a therapist before I left and she made me realise how screwed up our relationship was- could you see someone on your own?

Please don't take cues from your kids. They love their dad because he is their parent - it's not like they can choose.

Heck, I loved my dad as a kid and he was horrible to me every single day. I didn't know differently. Children assume their parents are as they should be.

You have to show them otherwise.

Lulla - thank you. Yes, I do worry (my spidey senses went off quite early on - a lot of people in our circle of friends dislike him - interestingly, a lot of the blokes dislike him). I am working on the "be there in case she opens up" principle.

Pandora thank you for the warning.

Lulla I have tried talking to my parents, but I'm not sure they really took it very seriously. I didn't feel able to go into detail. I have been seeing a therapist for a while now. If it wasn't for her I would still be in denial about everything I think. I spoke to WA after my previous thread and they were amazing. I never would have thought it would be ok for me to call them for help until it was suggested so many times here.

One last question that is on my mind - if nothing else had happened other than the incident where he didn't take no for an answer, would I be over reacting to feel that I couldn't move past it? I know that there a plenty of other things that have also happened, but I can't help wondering if I have blown it out of proportion as I don't feel able to just move on from it. I have lost all sense of perspective I think.

Ok to put it into perspective....If you heard someone else's husband had raped them but had been a model husband both before and after but she never learnt to retrust him and never felt safe and secure any more so left he husband .. would you think OMG give the guy a chance or I am not suprised...

Sometimes thinking about it in terms of another person makes it easier to see.

Trust for me would be up there in my no.1 criteria if I ever met someone else.

Hi Snowflake.
I don't usually post very much but you sound like me a few years ago. I was with my ex thirteen years. And most of them quite wonderful.He was a charming husband, absolutely fantastic Dad, was loved by his colleagues and my family. But there was always that feeling of cobwebs slowly spreading over my mind. I thought all the same thoughts as you, that I was over-dramatising things and we were all mostly happy so why rock the boat. We were living the dream, overseas, traveling lots, it was a fairy tale to me. A family, what I had always wanted. We could go for months, nearly a year at one point without any abusive outbursts. But one day he stood in front of me in the kitchen begging forgiveness and promising never to 'talk to me like that again' after a night of ranting how hopeless I was.' And I think he meant it, he loved us, I knew that. But I knew that I was the fool if I chose to stay that day because it was probably the 100th apology I had heard in our marriage. I saw my daughter and son playing in the room next door, and I knew that I had to leave for them. It took every effort to leave Heathrow airport a few days later, but I had two small hands in mine, and I had to survive. We all cried, my husband the most.
I didn't have a lot of support when I got home, my family thought I was mad, but they know now. And I am happy to say the kids and I have a small house by the sea and live happily. In peace.

nothing else had happened other than the incident where he didn't take no for an answer, would I be over reacting to feel that I couldn't move past it

Fuck NO

You can't move past it for a reason. That reason is because it is a fucking horrendous thing for one human being to do to another. It will cast a shadow over the entire relationship. Always. Whenever you look at him a part of your mind, (the bit not brainwashed by the abusive nice/ nasty cycle) will always know, will always think

'this is a person who ignored my most absolute basic right, who heard me say no, over and over, but decided that their whim at that moment was more important than my fundamental rights as a person'

That might explain why there is no fucking way you are overreacting. You can't move past it because it can't be moved past. He thinks YOU don't matter compared to him.

Keep posting, please. Your instincts are spot on. Hopefully with the help of all these Amazing people here you can pull yourself out of this into a life you deserve. A life of happiness and respect.

starlight it does help to think of as if it were someone else, thank you.

umbrellabird you sound incredibly brave. I'm pleased you have found a happy ending for you and your children.

dalekanium thank you - you have explained really clearly why I have not over reacted.

Thank you to everyone, as always your insight is so helpful to me trying to get my head together.

It sounds like you are looking for someone else's permission to see the truth.

You don't need it! You know it's true!

Yes I think you are right. I hadn't realised that's what I'm doing so thank you for pointing it out! I don't know how to stop though as I need validation for pretty much everything as he has told me so many times I over react, that I'm unreasonable, nobody else thinks like me etc. self belief feels very frightening at the moment. I hate how week that sounds.

he has told me so many times I over react, that I'm unreasonable, nobody else thinks like me etc

Well he would, wouldn't he?

You don't sound weak, Snowflake. Browbeaten by a raping bastard, yes, but not weak. You are not over-reacting. He is trying to persuade you to under-react, in fact, not to react at all, because that is in his interests, and it is all about self-interest for him.

Good luck working through this, and keep talking to us.

I suppose it probably is.

Thank you everyone for all the support and patience. It is hugely appreciated.

I've NC for this.

To go back to your original question...yes, I "chose" to stay with my EA husband. I've been married 23 years. I wish I'd had MN in the early years..I had no idea what was happening. Here's what I thought:

I minimised the EA and told myself he was just a grumpy git.
I told myself I had made my bed - now I had to lie in it.
that I could "manage" him and the situation.
that I was strong and resilient
that I could protect my kids and give them confidence and self-esteem despite him.
that I had nowhere really to go anyway if I left
that I would hurt and shame my parents..who had given me a happy and protected childhood
etc...

Now: I don't love him, I have no respect for him, our beautiful kids (late teens/early 20's) dislike him intensely - he still bullies them. They know everything in our relationship is wrong. I'm terrified of the damage I must have done them by choosing such a bad father.

The happy family I thought I would have seems to be completely dysfunctional.

I remember the day I realised I didn't care what he thought - when he was ranting about something - I just looked at the wall in front of me and realised that everything he said was total and utter rubbish. It made me feel stronger, but I still didn't leave.

I think I will leave eventually, I know I can and I should... I'm strong but I'm very very

BF: that is a very brave post

I am the adult child in your scenario, my mother is you 20 years on

she still hasn't left him

my sibling and I have very limited contact with our parents because it is too painful to witness the continued dysfunction and our own children hardly know their grandparents. I have told my mother, when she complains she hardly sees us that she made her choice a long time ago, and I do not want to breathe the same air as him. She sides with him. She has to, to make the wasted years make some sense to her. She loves him, see and is too damaged to function on her own

don't let your sadness at how long you have waited to go paralyse you...there is another generation around the corner that may be lost to you if you do not take action

I don't say this to criticise or make you feel worse than you already do. I am being as honest as you were.

happy, thanks for your sweet words - really appreciated.

No, I don't want to be your mother in another decade. I won't ever side with him..and yet by still being here that's what it seems like to my kids doesn't it?

Sorry, Snowflake, to thread-creep. Don't wait, don't hope, don't deny...the real, hard, inconvenient truth is you are heading for more pain and maybe years of regret. It's not too late for you - hell, maybe it's not too late me me either!

xxx

*for me either!

xx

I left after 20 years, much the same scenarios as yours. The first time I heard my (teenage) daughter really belly laugh at home made the leaving worth it.
It was incredibly hard but:
Seeing a newly confident, popular girl finally fulfilling her potential at school.
Friends telling me how happy and relaxed I seem
Being in a relationship where I am accepted for being me
Mean I honestly wish I had left sooner. Please don't leave it too long...you and your DC are entitled to live without fear.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope you find the strength to leave Bodumfan. Happy I'm sorry for your situation - I had not thought about the future. Justatoe Well done for managing to leave.

None of the abuse is directed at the children so I keep telling myself they don't know, how can they? But I do know and understand that they are like sponges and absorb everything that goes on around them. But 95% of the time we are alone when something happens. There has been very little they have actually seen or heard. So how can I be setting them a good example by not putting up with something they don't know or understand is actually happening? I'm sorry if this is a stupid question. There was a point where it was undoubtedly effecting them as I had shut down and wasn't functioning well at all, but 18 months of therapy has solved that and I think I am doing so much better than I was.

I ask myself if I can live with it now I am feeling stronger - should I just try to toughen up mentally and carry on seeing as it isn't constant and isn't directed at the children. Is it best not to rock the boat and turn their worlds upside down if they aren't effected? Or is there really no possible way that they aren't still effected in some way? Again, I'm sorry if this is a stupid question. I'm just terrified of getting it wrong.