Has anyone chosen to stay with an abusive partner? And did it have a happy ending?

[snowflake02]

I have posted a couple of times before here and I'm afraid to say that I am still with him, still trying to get my head together.

Everything has been calm for the last couple of months, but I don't know how long it will last, or if he has truly changed.

I think the question I keep coming back to is whether or not it is possible to re-build trust in someone after it has gone? Or once trust has been broken, is it gone forever? I don't know if I will ever feel truly comfortable with him again, but is that enough reason to destroy my children's family? (Obviously if his abusive behaviour started again that would be different. I have promised myself that there will be no more second chances and this time I really mean it).

[snowflake02]

I know I must be in denial, but most of the time I don't think they are aware of anything. There have been a couple of times where my oldest has repeated things to me that my husband has said and one occaison of my little boy saying something that I knew meant he had picked up on something, but not for a long time.

I don't think I have good boundaries anymore. I don't know what's acceptable behaviour from him and what isn't, so it's hard for me to follow through with the no more chances thing. Hope that makes sense.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I know I must be in denial, but most of the time I don't think they are aware of anything.

I think you need to think long and hard about this sentence. We grow up thinking that what happens in our houses is the norm. What you are doing here is bringing your kids up to think that abuse, blackmail and rape are all normal things for men to do to women.

Every interaction, and action - will influence them some way.

What is the relationship, house and job situation?
Are you married, do you jointly own or rent the house and do you work?

[Anniegetyourgun]

I believe that now you have your eyes open to what it really is, you have started along the path that will eventually lead to you being able to separate from this unpleasant specimen. In some ways I count a sneaky abuser like this as worse than a straightforward thug because he clearly knows that what he is doing is wrong; otherwise he wouldn't be so careful to cover it up, minimise, move the goal posts, keep you confused. And it is really bad for your head. Can't you just feel your brain slowly knitting into weird patterns the longer it goes on?

I hope you feel you are able to get away sooner rather than later, but you will of course have to prepare at your own pace. The important thing is that you now know this treatment is not ok. You don't deserve it. You shouldn't have to put up with it, and before long you won't have to. I guarantee you will look back one day and ask yourself what took you so long! But of course it's never as simple as that while you're still in the middle of it. Baby steps, but always in the direction of out .

[LurcioAgain]

Snowflake - on the subject of how much children pick up on, I have a friend I worry about. Not just because of what she has said to me, but because of how her son talks to/about her. We will have conversations that go like this:

Son visiting on playdate with my son. Does something naughty.
Me: Would you do that in your mum's house.
Him: It's not mum's house, it's dad's house.
(They live together, both work, both contribute to the mortgage, btw).

I first noticed this sort of thing when he was 5 - he is utterly disrespectful to his mother, and it's not come out of nowhere, he's learned it from his father.

Now the thing is I don't even think this is an overtly abusive relationship. The husband does undermine her professionally, but that aside (it would be a deal-breaker for me) they seem happy with fairly rigid gender roles within their relationship and seem to muddle along relatively happily. But her son is still internalising all sorts of messages about women being second class citizens. So think how much worse it's going to be for your son growing up in a house where his father rapes his mother?

[sleeplessbunny]

Your children don't recognise it now because they don't know any different. That is exactly why your relationship will be damaging to them in the long term. Please take that on board, OP, I am one of those children and I can tell you it takes years or even decades to recognise the damage, let alone repair it. I know it might feel mean giving you something else to worry about but by looking after and respecting yourself you will be setting your kids exactly the example they need to form healthier relationships as adults.

I don't resent my mum for the decision she made, but I feel sad for her and for myself that it turned out this way. Strangely, I don't really feel anything about my DF, who is really at fault.

[HeffalumpsnWoozles]

Snowflake, as someone who has been where you are now I can only advise that you end this toxic relationship. It's not going to get better, if anything it's likely to get worse. It's terrifying stepping out into the unknown and leaving your life behind...except what are you leaving? It's not really a life, it's existing hoping that nothing awful happens. You get through that day & spend the next hoping he won't do or say anything awful and so it carries on. You can do it, he has sapped your self confidence but it will return when you don't have him & his warped sense of reality in your head. Good luck if you choose to make a life for you & your children, if not I also wish you all the best but with a sense of sadness.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A big problem with the type of abusive relationship that includes a lot of manipulation is that the victim (you) ends up lacking all confidence in themselves and their judgement. You're unsure what is normal because you're living with someone who is deliberately muddying the waters. They want you confused.

.You'll only realise how bad it is, sadly, once he's been out of the picture for a while.

[Quitelikely]

Well do you think your husband knows his dad raped his mother?

He might not know but it's all the other subtle abuse that goes on that gives these men the sense of entitlement to do what they want with a woman.

I hate the thought of your lovely son becoming a rapist but these behaviours come about during screwed up childhoods which set the scene for these things to play out later in life.

If your son turns into a monster he might not be as lucky as your husband who gets to walk away from his crime and rightly so. Rapists should be locked up.

God I worry for your children I really do. You have been warned.

CHILDREN GROWING UP IN AN ABUSIVE HOME ARE HAVING THEIR OWN ADULT FUTURE RUINED.

[snowflake02]

I really want to be a good role model for my children and I really want them to have happy, fulfilling relationships. I don't want them to grow up and turn into me and my husband.

It is just so scary to admit that there is only one way for this to go now. And doing that means that everything that has happened has to be real.

I feel so weak though, like a stronger person wouldn't be broken by any of these things (I was broken, but lots of therapy has put me back together again). Am I really justified in ending it because the damage has been done? Rather than because the abuse is continuing? I know that this is most likely just the honeymoon phase of the cycle. I'm terrified of making a huge mistake because I'm making too much of everything.

I'm sorry for being so frustrating. I think I'm nearly there, but that makes it all seem so much scarier and I feel so Guilty when he is being nice to me.

[snowflake02]

funky We are married and jointly own our home. I'm self employed but due to having 3 young children I earn very little, next to nothing really.

quitelikely I desperately don't want that for my little boy. I would do anything to prevent that. I'm just terrified that I have got it all wrong somehow and that things aren't really that bad and the rape was just a misunderstanding. I will have then torn their family apart for nothing.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Life is full of choices. Only choices.

You make a choice and then make another one. If you don't learn from them, then what is the point?

You make a choice and you have learnt that it wasn't the best one. So you make another choice. It's up to you as to how you life your life. If you want this to be the best life you can have, then carry on. If you think that your life would be better without this abuser in it, then make a choice to get out.

Do you really want to waste 10, 20, 30 years with the only thing to look forward to being when he rolls off you after raping you.

Again: house and job situation?
Finally, you say you are married, do you jointly own or rent the house and do you work?

[snowflake02]

He has only clearly raped me once. There has been some coercion and one incident where I was too intimidated by the way he was behaving that night to say no, or anything really. I don't think he will do it again, at least not for a long time as I have called him on it. I'm not trying to make excuses, just want to be clear that it is not happening over and over again.

[snowflake02]

We are married and jointly own our home. I'm self employed but due to having 3 young children I earn very little, next to nothing really.

[snowflake02]

What I'm saying, probably very badly, is that I'm so scared of getting it wrong. Perhaps it isn't bad enough to end the relationship? Perhaps I just need to toughen up mentally and move past the bit where he raped me?

[simontowers2]

It may seem hard but it is actually quite simple this OP. If you love your children and want them to grow up as happy, well adjusted people who don't go onto abuse others, you will leave this bastard now. Alternatively you may feel you cant live without this guy/rapist and, as such, are prepared to sacrifice the mental well being and future happiness of your children. Its a pretty simply choice really, only you can make it. Sorry if that sounds harsh but strip everything away and that really is all it boils down to.

[simontowers2]

Oh and if you really think he has changed, why not mention to him the idea of separation. Go on, i dare you.

[snowflake02]

I know, it is still very hard to accept that though. And I have no belief in my own judgement anymore. Which I guess is why I am here asking questions, rather than just figuring it out for myself.

[LurcioAgain]

Snowflake: "one incident where I was too intimidated by the way he was behaving that night to say no, or anything really" - that's rape, rape in the legal sense, rape in the sense that if a woman went to the police and reported this from a stranger after meeting them in a bar, they would push for prosecution. Which makes me wonder just how much worse the incident you are able to name as rape was (in terms of the level of additional violence used: rape is rape and is in and of itself an act of violence, whether it is achieved by fear and intimidation or by holding the woman down).

No one needs to "move past" rape. I would very much doubt you can (barring massive amounts of self deception) nor should you. He is a rapist. He will always be a rapist. Nothing you can do can change that fact about his behaviour and the mindset that goes with it. He is a rapist now because he raped you - not just once, but at least twice (probably, I would guess, more). He will not cease to be a rapist because you jump through enough mental hoops and engage in enough mental contortions to "forgive him" and "move past it". All you will succeed in doing is destroying yourself psychologically.

Please keep posting here. You are I think, gradually, coming to realise that you have to get out. Those of us who've watched other women go through this (or indeed in the case of many of the women on this board, been through it themselves) know that it takes time. Good luck with it. When (I hope it's when rather than if) you finally escape you will be so much happier, and gradually come to realise in retrospect that he was the problem all along, and there was nothing you could do to make him right - he is fundamentally flawed.

[snowflake02]

He knows. We have tried counselling, which I found completely counterproductive so stopped it. But that came up a lot.

[fifi669]

Any reason to end a relationship is good enough.

Your children will be upset, but you know what's best for them. They'd be upset if you stopped them eating a pile of sweets, they aren't the best judges!

Don't worry about the financial side, everything will come together.

[LurcioAgain]

Snowflake - couples counselling is a very bad idea in cases of domestic abuse (which this is: be under no illusions about that) because the abuser typically manipulates the situation to further undermine the victim's confidence in themselves and their decision making ability. Abusers are extremely good manipulators - I bet he painted himself to the therapist as some sort of "nice guy who just lost it occasionally". A reputable therapist would not take on couples counselling where it was clear that there was a history of abuse.

[snowflake02]

lurcio he really wasn't violent. I didn't try to fight him off because it never occurred to me he wouldn't stop after I said no. So I just kept saying it. I think you are right about not being able to move past it and what I would have to do in order to forgive him and stay with him. It is taking me a very long time, but I do think I am getting there too.

[snowflake02]

Maybe he did such a good job of being the nice guy that she didn't think there was any abuse? It has set me back a long way because she was happy to see us and never called him on anything, which made me feel that I must be over reacting and that there was no abuse.

[Needasilverlining]

The person you should be able to trust most in the world has done something to you that a stranger would spend years in prison for.

No, you shouldn't have to overlook it.

[Needasilverlining]

Sorry, x posted with many. But that total a breach of trust... I don't see how you'd come back from that.