The OW: what was she like?

[springchickennolonger]

Just curious, really. There's an OW in stbx's life. I know nothing about her, nor shown any real curiosity (yet). Been reading up on the matter, mainly on relationship forums, and I've become curious about OW in general, and particularly what they have that the cheated-on partner doesn't.

I've come across a view that states that men who have affairs "affair down" (not my words). I was kind of assuming that an OW would be more fun, more attractive, and (in my case!) younger, so I was surprised that this may not be the case after all.

So, for those of you who have been ousted for or threatened by an OW (or OM, of course), what did that person have that you didn't (in the eyes of your partner, obviously).

Just curious!

I've not had to contend with an OW in my marriage but my ex from 20+ years ago cheated on me with what would now be called a cougar! She was a middle aged divorcee and lived at the pub when she wasn't shagging about, and dog rough, but obviously eager. She knew all about me and got a real kick out of the fact he (ex) would leave his 20 year old fiancee sat at home alone to go and shag her instead.
I eventually found some mettle and dumped him and have no idea what happened to her, but I would imagine she carried on stroking her ego by having sex with any man that showed interest.

in my exh's case she was insecure and wanted a lot of attention from men, is what I can gather, and a bit of a golddigger. Perhaps otherwise nice

Years ago when we were in our early twenties DP had a huge wobble and broke up with me all while getting too close to a colleague.

She was a dumpier, chubbier and much plainer version of me who had the personality of a house brick.

I knew for months that she fancied him but he always said I was being daft .

I think he was unsure about what he wanted and she flattered his ego and was desperate keen.

She was pretty, gamine and feminine.
She had small children herself but her DH was in prison.
She portrayed a vulnerable and attractive (to XP) figure.

She also let him smoke in her house, which for him was the clincher.

The ow (of 6 years) that my husband had a physical then long-distance emotional affair with was definitely a case of trading down.

She was a few years older than me, not very attractive, very needy and victim/drama queen type, not as intelligent or as independently successful as me. She had low self esteem in spades, and blamed me for 'ruining her life' when I eventually found out and kicked my husband out (because he dropped her immediately and spent the next year desperately trying to rebuild our relationship).

The reason given was that I made him feel 'lesser' in many ways, she made him feel adored.
To her, he was funny, charming, clever etc, she always had time and energy to hang off his every word - I on the other hand was trying to keep all balls in the air all the time (both have jobs that require us going away and living in different locations, and we have 2 small children) and had little time for theatrics and the ego massaging that he obviously desired.

We are now back together, following time apart and counselling - in a weird way I'm glad it happened as it made us both notice each other again as partners, rather than just parents.
She is still dining out on the hurt she was caused and how she was so hard done by (3 years later) and very much enjoyed the attentions as the 'wronged woman' at the time.

The OW in our case was short, dumpy, not great looking but had the major advantage of having been his high school sweetheart. I don't think you can generalise really. Not about the cheats, their motives or about the people they choose to cheat with.

Here in lies madness. Don't do it. Whats done is done between you and him, assuming that this is a thing thats happened to you. I got tempted to investigate her, but other than information others have eagerly shared, i try to focus that she's nothing to me. She didn't do anything to me, he did.

Its too easy to get dragged into focusing on the negatives, if you can find it In you just leave it. She, who ever she may be is nothing. Just a catalyst for exposing poor and week behaviour in someone you thought better of.

What matters is who you are and finding yourself as an individual rather than half of a couple. Working out your new hopes and dreams for the future.

Don't you know? They're just.... different. Not you. I'm not one, btw, I just assume that's the reason.

'Relationships' seems to be obsessed with the 'other woman' at the moment.

its not healthy.

When my husband of 27 years left me he said "She's not as attractive as you, she's not as intelligent as you, she's not as interesting as you ... but she really needs me".

She was 2 years younger than me (43) and what my daughter described as a Kronenburg (1664, 16 from the back, 64 from the front!) A bit unfair, but she had blonde hair down to her bum and dressed very young.

I had been a SAHM and supportive wife, then went to university, the kids left home, I had a career and loved it .... go figure.

Best thing that ever happened to me, in retrospect.

Exactly what DollyDreamboat said, they're different. Not you.

The only person who would really know what they are like would be the husband cheating with them and they know them. The only assumption the spouse can make is what she's like based on her appearance.

Not always the case Lying as I knew the OW as well and was stupid enough to consider her a friend .

From reading this board I know I'm not the only one who has been fucked over in said fashion.

she was younger than me by a good ten years, a fatter blonde version of me, but he soon found out she has kids he hated, a mother who hated him, shes an alchoholic (he barely drinks) was a drama queen who treated him like dirt and now shes gone back to where she came from and he lives on his own even his own kids dont talk to him over her

Fair enough, Bianca, I didn't think of those circumstances. Must feel like a double betrayal.

Some men like a 'type' I suppose, so it shouldn't be surprising that they go for a similar woman (if indeed they do).

The ex husband married two six foot blonde bank managers (one at a time) after we split. I'm five foot three and had long dark brown dark hair. Do you think he was trying to avoid me?

Complete opposite of me. I'm short, slight and petite, short hair. She's tall "thick set" and broad with long blonde hair.
She's a bit of a party animal like me which has surprised me cause he was tee total and HATED me going out with friends etc, kind of upsets me that part.

The OW in my case seems not very nice at all. But it would be a shame if it didn't work out. Nearly breaking me apart and losing his relationship with our child for nothing would almost seem worse. I know she enables his alcoholism. I am sure he is abusive towards her too.

I know he isn't happy - just a terrible mess.

Older and fatter. However she had ishoos and was needy and flattered his ego which I believe is what attracted him. I'm the only woman he's ever had a relationship with who wasn't a needy nightmare

Shes the exact opposite to me, slim, blonde, attractive, shares the same gym & vanity obsession STBXH has.
She's rude, narcissistic & a drinker. I used to be when I was a kid, he likes it in a woman, I think he's trying to reverse time. She's 6 years older than me married with teenage children. I don't know what he's playing at, I hope it all goes sour very soon.

All I need to know about the OW is that she thought it was fine to shag someone she knew had a pregnant wife and small children at home.

Thus I know I am a better person than she will ever be.

I imagine that what she had that I didn't were lower morals.

I met my BIL's OW (he is still married - long story.) what I noticed was that it was more a difference in personality. SIL gave up her life for their kids, and her life became extremely child focused. The OW is career obsessed and never had children (but is the same age.) she also looks "harder" (not less attractive, just harder.)

The other thing is that the OW fawns over him and SIL doesn't. Seems to be a common theme here.

I agree with that HowlCapone

There seems to be a common response of men going for 'needy' women though doesn't there, as if they are fighting back from women that are no longer Stepford wives?

Available and gullible, basically.

I was/am an OW - currently exiting a non-relationship. The reason he was "interested" in me is because he liked the attention I think. I absolutely worshiped him - predominantly I suspect because I have low self esteem and he has a streak of narcissism so I responded strongly to his controlling character. I am single so it's easier to provide 100% attention and worship in a new relationship that than if you are dealing with the normal realities of life with 3 kids etc with someone you have been married to for years.

An affair is a warped fantasy not grounded in real life.

I don't think what someone looks like etc really is what it's about. It's how the OW makes a man feel. Eg misguided angel's comment above

"She's not as attractive as you, she's not as intelligent as you, she's not as interesting as you ... but she really needs me".

Sounds as if he liked feeling needed. Sometimes being with someone ridiculously young makes a man feel younger etc.

In my case, as it happens I am younger than his wife by about 15 years and when the affair began I was considerably more attractive and living a very glamorous lifestyle. Someone looking at me externally would never guess I have such chronically low self esteem as my life looks great from the outside. But none of that was what it was about.

I suspect if his wife found out about me (saw me/met me/googled me) she would think it was all about a glossy package stereotypical younger mistress but it definitely wasn't. He just liked being the center of my attention - actually not just my attention, the center of my universe. How I feel about him is really pathetic as he was very emotionally abusive.

I am aware of several other OW he has had sex with in a two/three night stand type of way and none of them were particularly attractive.

Focus on appearance is not what an affair is about IME. If a MW finds out about an affair, external information is all she has and comparing what some looks like/age/ etc is natural because that's the only information going.

Really what it's about it going on in the head of the MM and how he perceives the OW and how he feels about himself when he's with her.

It's pointless comparing/trying to compete with it because it is all unreal. It's a sick sort of fantasy of a perfect relationship for a man - a woman who adores him, is always ready for sex, never argues with him as time together is so limited, always pathetically grateful for a moment of his time. It's not sustainable because it's all built on nothing and real life isn't like that. Which is probably why so many relationships that start as an affair fail.