The OW: what was she like?

[springchickennolonger]

Just curious, really. There's an OW in stbx's life. I know nothing about her, nor shown any real curiosity (yet). Been reading up on the matter, mainly on relationship forums, and I've become curious about OW in general, and particularly what they have that the cheated-on partner doesn't.

I've come across a view that states that men who have affairs "affair down" (not my words). I was kind of assuming that an OW would be more fun, more attractive, and (in my case!) younger, so I was surprised that this may not be the case after all.

So, for those of you who have been ousted for or threatened by an OW (or OM, of course), what did that person have that you didn't (in the eyes of your partner, obviously).

Just curious!

English not first language, 12 years younger, great figure, very very needy and idolises him (which he loves cos it makes him feel all manly)
She also has no morals as she happily shagged him throughout my pregnancy, moved her child out of the marital home straight into a new one with my ex, but she's lumbered with him now!

Btw Arsnic, comparing OW and rape victims and using the term 'victim blaming' about OW is very insensitive and crass.
OW are not 'victims'. 99% of OW know exactly what they are getting themselves into. Please don't compare them to someone who has suffered sexual assault.

OW are not 'victims'.

I didn't say they were. That wasn't the comparison I was making.

I was saying the married cheating partner is the active agent in adultery (i.e. they are the one breaking vows, betrating the spouse), just as the criminal is in crime. It is their motivation, characteristics and choices that need examining to conduct an analysis, not those of other parties.

betraying^

And, yes, when my EXH cheated (and took our dc along) I ranted about the OW briefly, but I snapped out of it. Her conduct, morals, appearance, choices were not my concern. My EXH was the one who broke promises to me, cheated on me, betrayed me (and our DC).

He was the person who we should have been able to expect more of. Nothing she had done, been, felt, said could have caused us a moment's problem if he had honoured his marriage vows. If he had been a decent parent, the damage would not have been as bad.

It was all about him. I had no relationship with that woman and no reason to expect anything of her. She did not commit adultery against me.

I will not learn a single thing about the breakdown of my first marriage by considering a single fact about her. It was all there before she showed up. In him.

That's all I'm saying.

If you're determined to generalise, 'because she was there' (a la Everest) probably works and maybe needy women put themselves in the path a bit more often, but who cares? Find a man who will just step over them and you needn't worry. Fingers crossed men and women like that are more common than it sometimes seems.

She was a younger, slimmer more outgoing version of me. She keeps popping up on the facebook people you may know thing recently so I showed her picture to a friend who was staggered at the physical resemblance. xp is no longer with her and his current partner again looks very very like me.

SoleSource no I really don't know and she never came up in the few conversations I had with him after discovery (everything focussed on the divorce settlement and was conducted via email/through legal channels).

Honestly, most of the harm done by ex H and OW was done DURING the affair and whilst I was not so blissfully unaware of the reality. Post-discovery information about her was surplus to requirements as far as I was concerned. I wouldn't know her if she passed me by on the street (which she won't because we live in different counties, that much I do know). It was my ex husband who betrayed his vows to me, not her and I don't care who she is.

just as the criminal is in crime

And their accomplices.

I've been on both side of this. The OW my exh is with now is very much a taller, younger, blonder (and more orange version of me. She is a sweet girl but has no discernable personality at all whereas I am very outgoing and a lot more charismatic (if I say so myself )

She is perfect for him really because they're both very image obsessed, always at the gym together and she clearly hangs on his every word and idolises him which the arrogant twazzock clearly loves! But, my kids like her and she's kind to them which is all I really give a shit about at the end of the day!

When I was the OW I think I couldn't be more different to the wife, although I've never met her. She was a sahm and very dependent, I was a single mum and fiercely independent. She was anxious and uptight about everything (according to him) whereas I am very laidback. She doesn't drink and I do. We just seemed to be complete opposites in every way. Theirs was an arranged marriage too, not that it makes it any better.

So two very different scenarios there. Like a pp said, I'm not sure you can generalise. Motivations for having affairs are many and varied.

The ow looked like me !! it was freaky ... its hilarious because she lived in a really grotty house ! when he briefly came back , he said she was nice , would do anything in bed... but her house was awful ! The one he is with now is completely different looking. .. 6 yrs older and very rough ....

I really admire women who just concentrate on their cheating spouse/partner and take no issue with the OW. I see all the logic behind their sentiments.
But I will never understand a woman who knowingly shags a bloke who is supposed to be with someone else (and I've known a couple of them over the years). Maybe I have higher standards for women! Naively perhaps I still try to believe in the sisterhood because I would never do that to another woman and it would instantly put me off the cheating man instantly

Oops! Delete an 'instantly' instantly

Olgrandmama it was the same for me . ExDh had a number of flings and I let him stay but he finally left for total.opposite of me. She is a leggy blonde, very needy, not very intelligent, expensive clothes but no style , no time for her daughter but loves drinking and socialising. He is older and have heard he is very grumpy with her now but he earns a lot so there is no way she will walk away!

I have no idea what she was like, I made the decision very early on after being contacted by her, to not find out. I was already incredibly hurt and dealing with kicking my exh out, I decided finding out the ins and outs and meeting her would only hurt me more, finding things out wouldn't help me, just hurt me (she kept wanting to meet but I wasn't interested in giving her the drama she seemed to crave, and had to change my phone no in the end).

It was really hard but 10 years on, I am glad I took that stance. Yes there will always be unanswered questions but it was self preservation.

Mmmm..yes.....I suppose it's like picking at a scab, in a way. But I can't help thinking "ok, so what's she got that I haven't?". Surely it's natural to wonder, even if you genuinely don't care? Bearing in my mind that cheating men/women cheat presumably because something is missing in their own relationship, isn't it natural to wonder whether you, as the cheated-on partner, are being cheated on because you weren't able to provide the missing ingredient that was found in another person?

This is what's hurting me at the moment: the thought that, despite everything, I wasn't enough. Which makes me wonder if I'll ever be enough for anyone else either.

I'm with you MargotThreadbetter.

I think it's because we've got morals and these women do not care about anybody else but themselves. They're self centered creatures who do not have consciences.

I hope the OW with my stbxh rots in hell for her part in the story.

They are constantly on the phone...even the night he walked out he must have only drove 2 mins down the road and he phoned her for over an hour.

Even some of the emails I get from my stbxh are not written in his voice they are colluding to hurt me and my children.

Plus they are both police officers!

Your right springchickennolonger...I find myself thinking whats she got that I haven't and I came to the conclusion that she offers him sex on a plate where ever, whenever he wants it. She constantly flatters his ego.

I had been seriously ill, looking after two children, and had just started working again. She was an escape from the mundane.

At first I took most of the blame (well he did actually blame me) but then I thought that hang on - he cheated and he walked out. The problem is with him - he wasn't strong enough to fight for our family. Instead he thinks with his dick (sorry).

Springchicken of course its natural to wonder, for me I had to not let it take over. We weren't in a good marriage, we weren't right for each other and weren't making each other happy enough, I had to work all of that out and realise that was the reason he went elsewhere. Of course he would have been a better man to have talked to me about all of this, instead of cheating!

You will be enough for someone, of course you will and it is him in the wrong, not you. This awful pain will pass.

But I can't help thinking "ok, so what's she got that I haven't?". Surely it's natural to wonder, even if you genuinely don't care?

As I've said in my post further up this thread, what all OW have that no wife has is the ability to offer a fantasy relationship divorced from reality. There is no dealing with the day to day detritus of family life - picking up his pants off the floor, dealing with colds/flu etc etc.

It's all about how the OW makes the MM feel - and that is grounded in 100% attention and worshiping of his almighty ego. If his day to day life is being a husband and a father, spending time with a woman who craves his touch, to hear his voice, is desperate for a moment of his time/attention/affection is an almighty shot of ego boost.

So what "she has" is nothing to do with looks, youth, personality etc. It's about how she makes him feel by providing an unrealistic snap-shot fantasy that will not and cannot survive a transition into full time day life.

But that's not necessarily true is it selfloathing? Plenty of men do leave for the OW, and live perfectly happy with them. Sure the dynamic of the relationship changes but it can still work very well.

Not always of course but again, you can't really generalise.

Plenty of men do leave for the OW, and live perfectly happy with them. Sure the dynamic of the relationship changes but it can still work very well.

Not always of course but again, you can't really generalise

The point of a generalization is that it covers generalities! The common position.

I disagree that "plenty of men" leave for the OW. Some do, but not most. Statistically, most marriages end because the woman ends it not because the man leaves. Most men having affairs are cake eaters - why would they disturb their cosy home life and hot sex on the side if they don't have to?

Also, again statistically, a higher proportion of second marriages fail than first.

So although I agree there are exceptions, the general position is that an affair is built on excitement and unreality and basically how the OW makes the MM feel - rather than what she looks like or who she is.

(and again there will be exceptions there, some infidelity will just be about getting a quick leg over as and when)

Merlincat - Mr Blunt must be the album of choice. My OH used to listen to him while it was going on...puke

OW in this case thought she looked like Amanda Seyfried and kept posting videos of Seyfried singing songs on Twitter after the shit had hit the fan. She was very desperate.

Lol Merlin, the ow in my case was a cunty-blunty fan too! (In one of the texts she had sent she actually said "James blunt would say it better than me". Drippy caaah!

The reason I knew all about the ow was because I knew who she was from years before, and had many mutual acquaintances.
I was very pragmatic and practical post discovery and tried very hard not to agonize over what she had that I didn't - I will not and would not live my life in a soap opera or in a Jezza Kyle episode (although she was very desperate to), I wouldn't join in and so she didn't have the dramatic showdown she seemed to crave.
Much to her apparent annoyance her big love affair ended like a damp squib, with no vengeful, weeping, wronged wife and no knight in shining armour, adoring handsome Prince sweeping in and saving her.
It just stopped, and she was raging - I was devastated of course, but she never knew that.

I think there are different affair types, and different types of cheat.
There's opportunistic serial shaggers, who have a string of meaningless short flings or one night stands.
There's the affairs which are usually very long term where the cheating spouse has no intention of leaving his family but gets 'something' from the ow - usually adoration, sex on tap and a fantasy rose tinted version of a relationship that can never be replicated in real life.
Then there's the affairs where someone meets someone that they truly want to build a life with - these are usually very short lived in that the cheat will end the marriage quite quickly and the new relationship is long lasting.

That's just my view on it all, of course it's very generalised - I think the biggest point is that no good will ever come of comparing yourself to the ow, or searching for what she has that you don't - there is no single answer.