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Original poster

The OW: what was she like?

130 replies

springchickennolonger · 25/10/2014 13:49

Just curious, really. There's an OW in stbx's life. I know nothing about her, nor shown any real curiosity (yet). Been reading up on the matter, mainly on relationship forums, and I've become curious about OW in general, and particularly what they have that the cheated-on partner doesn't.

I've come across a view that states that men who have affairs "affair down" (not my words). I was kind of assuming that an OW would be more fun, more attractive, and (in my case!) younger, so I was surprised that this may not be the case after all.

So, for those of you who have been ousted for or threatened by an OW (or OM, of course), what did that person have that you didn't (in the eyes of your partner, obviously).

Just curious!

OP posts:
Fairylea · 25/10/2014 16:40

Dh left me for a girlfriend he had before me he'd found on Facebook. She was the same age as me (same age as him), very arty and bohemian, looked like she hadn't washed for years and basically looked like a hippy. As opposed to me - career woman working in marketing, breadwinner at the time. I think he just went back to her because she worshipped the ground he walked on and quite frankly I'd stopped wanting to do that a long time ago.

I had an affair with a mm when I was a very immature and stupid 18 year old. He was 33 with 3 dc. I was the barmaid at the local pub and was living out my "ex independent school let's go wild" stage. All hideously embarrassing. Ashamed of myself. Typical wild child trouble maker really. But inside deeply unhappy.

Thank goodness I've grown up a lot since then.

ArsenicChaseScream · 25/10/2014 16:41

What is the generalising supposed to achieve OP?

Not being snarky, just a bit bemused.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 25/10/2014 16:41

SelfLoathing, you encapsulated everything really well - exactly how I think it is in most cases.

I hope you have walked away now - don't look back, you're worth much more. As awful as it is, your last para really nailed it imo and if you ever waver in your resolve to stay away then just re-read that.

Good luck for the future, I have zero sympathy for those who are actively accommodating mm but every support for those who see their 'relationship' for what it really is and make the break.
Don't hate yourself, move on and be with someone who deserves you - on your terms Thanks

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 25/10/2014 16:45

My ex seemed to go for OW with a small DS. There was a real and obvious pattern. He would latch onto one, married or otherwise it wouldn't matter. It would start out as a friendship and I would get invited to random houses for sunday lunch as his DP but it was obvious there was something going on between them. Sometimes I would say something to her DH, sometimes I would let him work it out for himself. Ex would always try and break them up and if successful, dump me. In retrospect I wonder if he was actually interested in small boys?

saintsandpoets · 25/10/2014 16:47

OW massage egos. Plain and simple.

moonfacebaby · 25/10/2014 16:49

OW was 14 years younger than me, slim, long strawberry blonde hair & had only been in the country for 6 weeks before she started shagging him.

She sounds needy to me - think my exH has rescuer tendancies.

But she's welcome to him - he's a prolific liar & nothing's ever his fault.

I'm with someone else now & that's wonderful - I'm having the best sex of my life too Grin.

SelfLoathing · 25/10/2014 16:51

ScarlettlovesRhett

SelfLoathing, you encapsulated everything really well - exactly how I think it is in most cases.
I hope you have walked away now - don't look back, you're worth much more. As awful as it is, your last para really nailed it imo and if you ever waver in your resolve to stay away then just re-read that.

Thank you for your kind post Scarlett.

Marcipex · 25/10/2014 16:55

A couple of years younger than me, very tall, very very fat, quite enormous in fact, with very long dark hair, large black mole on upper lip, many many scary dogs.

God I must be ugly.

CindyLou · 25/10/2014 16:56

Agree with what others have said.
'My' OW fawned on him, and was determined. She like money and had no job and a young DC to support - had just left her EXH.
She was considered attractive, and I think she thought that if I found out, there would be a scene and either I would chuck him out, or he would leave me.
So she engineered ( I think) for her jealous EXH to 'accidentally' find out, and contact me via Facebook to tell me what was going on, to up the ante in the situation, as DH interest was waning.
I was mercifully on MN when I saw the FB, got advice instantly for which I am eternally grateful.
Did not engage with OWEXH, call DH asked him if true, we had it all out, and he begged me not to finish the marriage. There had been a lot of ishoos between us, and TBF I was also to blame in many ways.
We agreed to try again, and it worked, not pain-free, but we worked it out, and over time, got stronger.
The deal was - he finished it instantly with her, by email, which I vetted and approved, and did not let on I knew.
She must surely have known from teh timing that I knew, and thought I was cleverer than I really was, assuming I had not let on to DH that I knew...
Whenever we met (we knew each other) she was like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I was casual, smiley, so she couldn't be sure I knew which I think kept her off-balance. I think she had hoped for a scene that never happened, banking on her 'winning'.
She moved away - later heard she met a man and got instantly, accidentally, pregnant.
Sorry for the long story...

StopStalkingMe · 25/10/2014 17:02

He just liked being the center of my attention - actually not just my attention, the center of my universe

This is exactly why mine did it too. I had two very young children to take care of and poor diddums was lonely. Boo-Hoo.

And then another one again just before he left, an ex-wife look-a-like. Creepy.

ArsenicChaseScream · 25/10/2014 17:07

Surely the common denominator in extramarital affairs is that they all involve cheating men? Confused

There will be OW who know that they are OW, OW that are blissfully unaware 'their' BFs are MM, OW who are 'upgrades', 'downgrades' (feel a bit sick discussing women like this, fat, thin, plain, attractive....

But the men involved will all be dishonest adulterers.

This reminds me of the rape debate. Of trying to understand rape by analysing the victims. It is the perpetrators that are to blame.

Dowser · 25/10/2014 17:10

His two that I know about . First was quite attractive and it did my head in when having broken my heart and done a fandango on the pieces that I didn't know what she looked it. Then I found a pic of her on her several gears laterwedding day and she just looked like a typical middle aged woman. Then I saw some more pics of her on face book and my oh my she looked like she had eaten a small country.

The other woman has hair like a cabbage patch doll and not very nice teeth.

I have it on good authority that he's not happy with her but stuck with her now .

arsenaltilidie · 25/10/2014 17:40

Women like to feel protected/security and men like to feel needed.

Most of the times its just sex, it's easy because she laid it on the plate for him.
The sex then made him feel needed and wanted which he might or might not be getting at home.
Her personality doesn't matter until things go pear shaped.
ie. OW starts to demand more, wife finds out, etc.

However they are men who cheat and men who don't cheat. All the men in my social circle that have cheated and been caught, have ALL continued or at least tried to cheat.

paxtecum · 25/10/2014 18:03

She was 20 years younger and a very needy alcoholic. Her DH worked away all week and she struggled to get out of bed in the mornings to get her DCs to (private) school.
XH moved in, stopped working and took over ferrying the kids around so she could stay in bed.

Her XH pays most of the bills.

I have a lot to thank her for, because she was the catalyst to my freedom.

oldgrandmama · 25/10/2014 18:17

The OW turned out to be my 'best friend' Angry

worserevived · 25/10/2014 18:41

11 years younger than me, dumpy, not pretty, not plain, just ordinary. Not bright, not stupid, just average. I don't think DH had ever before gone out with someone who wasn't high achieving and attractive. It wasn't about her though, he was unhappy, and as he put it if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else. His was an exit affair, to get me to throw him out, which I dutifully did.

We reconciled eventually, and the experience has made him a much nicer person. For years I lived with a self centred, career obsessed, unreliable and extremely selfish man. Now, he's the complete opposite. I won't say I'm glad it happened, but I am glad of the outcome.

As for OW, I hope she's happy. She's a nice person, who fell for the wrong man, and was very hurt by him. She never met me which I guess made it easy for her to file me away in her brain as irrelevant. It's easy to disregard people we have never spoken to, or met.

FreudianGymSlip · 25/10/2014 18:44

I have no idea what she looks like, what she does for a living, what kind of woman she is, where they live - but he loved her enough to leave our marriage and that's all that's relevant really. Anything else is just picking at a scab.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 25/10/2014 18:48

I can't say it matters in my case. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. The problem was him, not her.

SoleSource · 25/10/2014 18:52

Freudian you really do not know!! how is that possible? your Husband didn't even tell you anything during a row? you didn't even ask?

wow

HowlCapone · 25/10/2014 19:20

I have no idea either. Why would I be interested? As I said earlier, I know all I need to know.

Fairylea · 25/10/2014 19:35

I think freudian has the right idea really. If you don't have to know then it's better not to. I only knew because I was friends with her on Facebook as well! ... I think this whole idea of having to know all about them is a bit like pulling a plaster off slowly. It makes no difference to the outcome and doesn't mean anything would have been different if you had been more like them. As someone upthread said the harsh truth is that whoever they are, they aren't you. As painful as it is when someone leaves for someone else it means the love between you is over. It is better to try and look forward rather than cross examine reasons.

Hatespiders · 25/10/2014 21:14

She was blonde, slim and had long elegant legs. Afterwards, my xh confessed he'd always preferred blonde, 'sexy' women. (I'm not, needless to say, any of those things!) His first wife was a blonde too.

Sadly the OW died of cancer a year or two after their marriage. And my xh had a terrible fall from a high roof at work and ended up semi-paralysed.
I was very very sad for them both.

GreatAuntDinah · 25/10/2014 21:29

Early twenties, Chinese. He described her as a perfect porcelain doll. Which is fucking creepy when you think about it.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 25/10/2014 23:21

Jimmy that is terrifying. Do you really think he could be out there preying on young boys?

whyMe2014 · 25/10/2014 23:29

OW has dark, long hair and huge eyes (she sent him 6 pictures of herself - all the same - flicking her hair!) I'm blonde with normal eyes!
He text her 2756 times in four weeks - even while he was working.

He has given me no reason why he left me and our two children for this woman. She's 9 years younger than me and met him on a works course.

He initially told me she was married as well with a child but would not tell me anything else.

I think she flatters his ego and gives him sex on tap.
We were together 23 years and married for 14.

He also started sending lots of pictures on his mobile and I would never have entertained putting pictures like that on my phone!