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Original poster

The OW: what was she like?

130 replies

springchickennolonger · 25/10/2014 13:49

Just curious, really. There's an OW in stbx's life. I know nothing about her, nor shown any real curiosity (yet). Been reading up on the matter, mainly on relationship forums, and I've become curious about OW in general, and particularly what they have that the cheated-on partner doesn't.

I've come across a view that states that men who have affairs "affair down" (not my words). I was kind of assuming that an OW would be more fun, more attractive, and (in my case!) younger, so I was surprised that this may not be the case after all.

So, for those of you who have been ousted for or threatened by an OW (or OM, of course), what did that person have that you didn't (in the eyes of your partner, obviously).

Just curious!

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 27/10/2014 19:26

Young
Watches sport
and agrees with him about everything

Zebraface · 27/10/2014 19:43

ow was....known to me.
Taller
Bigger thighs
Bigger bum
Blonde
V stressy... Totally child orientated (3 dcs who she couldn't cope with)
Needy....he was her knight in shining armour.....really,I saw the e-mail Hmm
So.....good luck with that XH,hope it brings you joy & happiness.

Louboutin37 · 27/10/2014 20:30

The first one was impressive, stunning, successful businesswoman who was actually quite lovely once I got to know her. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th attempts (sexting, inappropriate messages etc) were all dowdy, dumpy and rather unattractive housewives (1 properly chavvy) who thought that my exes chat about business trips to New York and his flash lifestyle, my wife doesn't understand me blah, blah was incredibly glamorous.

The truth was that he was a short, fat, functioning alcoholic who had an attractive businesswoman wife ten years his junior and he was on his last chance after his first affair. She (I) left him before he had a chance to think he could get away with behaving like that.

I think there's something in men aiming a bit lower thinking they can get away with it and take a woman on who will flatter his ego.

Hatespiders · 27/10/2014 22:08

After we parted, my xh came back a few times ("just passing...") and wanted to come in for a cup of tea! I refused. He'd been conducting the affair for a whole year behind my back, so was damty sure I didn't want him for a 'friend'. Then on my doorstep he said OW didn't cook nice meals and the house was a total mess. Then he said he was missing me terribly and would I consider him living with me during the week and staying with OW at weekends for the sex, which she was better at then me!!!. A sort of polygamy I suppose. I had to laugh; what a prat.

SelfLoathing · 27/10/2014 23:05

Then he said he was missing me terribly and would I consider him living with me during the week and staying with OW at weekends for the sex, which she was better at then me!!!

Just ...what? OMG. I like to think I've heard it all. But really? He said that?

What did you say?

whyMe2014 · 27/10/2014 23:15

OMG Hatespiders - was he for real.

Mumpire5 · 27/10/2014 23:22

Wow, he had mumzoned u, and he saw nothing odd about that. Why would u be offended?!

FolkGirl · 28/10/2014 05:56

but the real killer .... Ginger!!!

Hmm

Perhaps she was just a more pleasant person...

bitsontheside · 28/10/2014 07:10

I am very average looking. I find most women very bitchy and unpleasant, prefer my own company, I wouldn't want full on relationship, mm are easier to pick and choose from than single men.

ravenmum · 28/10/2014 07:28

I'm tall with brown hair and eyes. She's 10 years younger, prettier than me, short with blonde hair and blue eyes - from her pictures at least she looks exactly like his sister and his mum (similar shape face, same haircut). He picked her up two weeks after his mum died, almost exactly the same time that his bereaved dad met up with his new girlfriend. His dad's new girlfriend caused a commotion in their village as she also looks very much his mum, with exactly the same taste in clothes - a distinctive bright red jumper and shoes. Quite sad really.

Simplesusan · 28/10/2014 09:44

Bitontheside-surely there are plenty of single men who don't want a full on relationship. What about when the wife discovers the affair? Does the affair generally end?

Shenton · 28/10/2014 10:50

Pathetically sad and naive ... Felt quite sorry for them ... All three of them

Hatespiders · 28/10/2014 10:52

Yes, I swear to you that's what he said. I laughed and laughed, so much so that I could hardly get the famous words out, but I managed eventually. They were.....FUCK OFF!

But I still feel very sad about the tragic outcome of it all for them both.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 28/10/2014 10:58

I find most women very bitchy and unpleasant

There is a common denominator that you are overlooking Bits - some women are bitchy and unpleasant, as are some men.

It strikes me as odd that most of the women you meet are like this - what is the link?? Hmmmm.

getthefeckouttahere · 28/10/2014 11:49

Oh Folkgirl,

i tried hard to make my post lighthearted. But then seeing as you didn't spot that it was about another man rather than another woman I'm guessing you didn't actually read it too thoroughly??

Anyway thanks for squeezing any tiny bit of fun out of it. (i admit it wasn't my A-game post but hey we all have off days)

really?Hmm

FolkGirl · 28/10/2014 18:29

Fair enough get but in my defence it was early and one of my children is ginger. It's easy to stop hearing the fun in lighthearted comments when you hear them daily.

Botanicbaby · 28/10/2014 20:24

"So, for those of you who have been ousted for or threatened by an OW (or OM, of course), what did that person have that you didn't (in the eyes of your partner, obviously)."

I don't think affairs are ever about what the OW or OM have that you didn't have. I truly believe that they are all about the person that chose to stray.

What I mean is...I think that quite often it is about someone else paying attention to them (that they, rightly or wrongly, feel that they aren't getting with their partner. Sometimes they are pursued by someone else who knows they are married, sometimes they are the ones pushing the boundaries.

My very best (male) friend, the least person I'd ever expect to have an affair ended up having one. I believe him when he says it wasn't all about the sex - people can laugh - but I know that he was flattered by the attention, having someone to listen to him (OW treated him like a plaything in the end) and it was all about him rather than what his lovely wife was 'lacking' or didn't have. (in my opinion..)

Crushed2914 · 28/10/2014 20:30

My husband was my world though, I put him on a pedestal because that's what he has always liked. I flattered him daily. I just got pregnant & in his eyes fat & boring. She's fit & her kids are grown.

Chrissy41 · 28/10/2014 20:47

My ex told me he chose to stray as he wanted to reinvent himself as someone brave and confident. He was my whole world too, but he had no confidence in himself whatsoever, and rather than look at resolving those issues he chose to blame me and try a new life with someone new. He had very many childhood issues which he never faced. It all kind of backfired though - the OW has more issues than Readers Digest and he had many bouts of depression and a breakdown since leaving apparently. There are no winners. And as for the OW well she pandered to his insecurities and turned me and our child into the devil incarnate. I don't think he is happy at all - but tough really.

bitsontheside · 28/10/2014 23:02

Simple - the wives chose to ignore, they are getting their bills paid. I am never the first woman their dh has played away with, I have no desire for the mm to leave the DW. Single men cannot offer me such freedom.
Scarlett - obviously I am the common denominator, I realise this, however I meet many women who know nothing about me, and chose to behave like school girls sniping, I refuse to join in, so I exclude myself from groups of females. I refuse to take part in gossiping and the circulation of misinformation to manipulate people and falsely promote myself above others.

lavenderhoney · 29/10/2014 00:19

One LTR - Tall, blonde, Amazonian really. She was very successful and perhaps he thought he was trading up:) I doubt she knows he spent the next 6 months proposing marriage to me after I left him about 10 minutes after she rocked up on the doorstep, her dh having found out.

Next ltr - another blindingly successful blonde Amazonian blonde. He came back, after 3 weeks, spent months putting it all right.

One dh. Bugger me, another blindingly succesful amazonian blonde. Famous too. Divorce looms. He wants to reconcile. He can fuck off.

worserevived · 29/10/2014 07:22

'Simple - the wives chose to ignore, they are getting their bills paid.'

That's a very cruel and inaccurate stereotype. You might as well say all OW are self centred, gold digging, heartless bitches (equally inaccurate).

It's far more likely that the DWs concerned either don't know, or are being fed a pack of lies by their 'D'H' about how he loves them really and is ending/has ended it with OW (you), or they inexplicably still really love their 'D'H (yes, that does happen), and so keep making excuses for him. Wives stay for all manner of reasons. Often they would actually be financially better off if they left, as rather than money being tied up in assets such as property, investments and cars that they never benefit from, it would have to be liquidated and divided. I was in that boat.

Bits you seem to be a little dissociated from reality. Why do you hate other women so much? Don't forget, you are one, and if you don't class yourself as one of the bitching sniping masses does it not occur to you that there are plenty of other women out there who might not be like that either? Why actively target mm? I feel a little sad for you, as that kind of choice has a sell by date.

It's your life, your choice, but it does seem to be based on a slightly warped view of live and relationships.

Mampire · 29/10/2014 08:13

They are getting their bills paid!! That is such a misogynist comment I find it hard to believe you're a woman. When I was with my x I never worked harder than I did then 'to have my bills paid'. It was like running a small hotel, restaurant and day care centre with no staff and a critical boss. Most women work anyway.

Fairylea · 29/10/2014 08:22

Bits, well when ex was having an affair I was the one paying the bills! I earned twice as much as he did. And then I got made redundant and he ran off with her! His cosy little life was only cosy with me while I was earning more - we both worked full time but his salary was lower.

I think you have some very odd views about women and relationships. You sound a bit like me when I was 14 and had been badly bullied at school and went through the next 5 years blaming the entire female species for being mean to me - even though I was one. All a bit ridiculous.

There are good and bad in both sexes.

Mampire · 29/10/2014 08:33

and bits, you say you enjoy your own company. If you really were comfortable in your own company would you bother dating an mm? What's wrong with being single? You don't have to date anybody!