The OW: what was she like?

[springchickennolonger]

Just curious, really. There's an OW in stbx's life. I know nothing about her, nor shown any real curiosity (yet). Been reading up on the matter, mainly on relationship forums, and I've become curious about OW in general, and particularly what they have that the cheated-on partner doesn't.

I've come across a view that states that men who have affairs "affair down" (not my words). I was kind of assuming that an OW would be more fun, more attractive, and (in my case!) younger, so I was surprised that this may not be the case after all.

So, for those of you who have been ousted for or threatened by an OW (or OM, of course), what did that person have that you didn't (in the eyes of your partner, obviously).

Just curious!

Merlincat

Well, that's one common denominator at least; OW's have appalling taste in music. I may use this as the basis of my doctorate
Oi! I've been the OW and I have excellent taste in music! My taste in men is a bit less reliable...

I've come across a view that states that men who have affairs "affair down" (not my words). I was kind of assuming that an OW would be more fun, more attractive, and (in my case!) younger, so I was surprised that this may not be the case after all

why would you even ask such a question unless it was to suggest it's OK for a man to have an affair if the wife has 'let herself go' a bit, or has got old, or no longer finds drinking till 3am amusing given that the baby will be awake at 4am?

The ow in my case was, in my opinion, extremely attractive physically. More so than me. Did my ex trade up? Does that make his actions OK 'cos he got with someone 'better'?

She was also a total bitch. Hated our children and did everything she could to remove them from my ex's life - including hitting them on a regular basis. She had been a teenage mother, had 3 children by 3 fathers and I suspect was seeking some kind of security.

It's about how she makes him feel
I think this is the nub of it.
There was a wonderfully insightful quote from Maya Angelou, something like 'people forget the things you say and the things you do, but they don't forget the way you make them feel'
Which is something I have always since been mindful of in dealings with people.
And I think if there is a common denominator for the OW it is that - she 'makes him feel 10ft tall'. (Quote from Valley of the Dolls, when movie star husband cheats on her with mousy secretary)

Bad taste in music.

My daughter hit the nail on the head ...why is my dad listening to all these wailing women!

He'd always been a johnny cash/ Neil Sedaka person while I liked Offspring, Prodigy etc and here he was listening to the likes of Katie Melhua, Nelly Furtado etc

Thank god when he left he took his rotten cd collection with him and ones I found got binned!

really? Take a look at your CD collection. See any Phil Collins? Dire Straits? If so then you're an OW whether you're seeing someone or not. Sorry
What? The Iggy Pop, Lou Reed, David Bowie, Pulp, Radiohead, Idlewild don't excuse the one tiny, random 'Brothers in Arms'? That's so unfair!

Well, I'll base my future assessments on your criteria, I think. "Shall I go with this bloke - he has a wife? Oh, yes, fine, I listened to the Carpenters on YouTube last night..."

OMG his taste in music changed and his ipod is still in the car - absolute rubbish. Stuff I've never heard off. I missed all the signs.

Plus it probably is the way the OW makes him feel. He can't see beyond the worship phase to the mundane. He's now even wearing expensive brown leather lace up shoes. He was always a boot man before. Plus he's lost weight. Perhaps he can't keep up with the OW!

My husband posted lyrics to a romantic song I'd never heard him listen to before on FB, he's always been into heavy metal so it's completely out of character, I now understand it to be their song.
He also grew a huge discusting beard which was so unusual as he's always always kept his facial hair immaculate, also changed his clothes...it's all so glaringly obvious now.

Very very skinny, dyed yellow blonde hair & always too much make-up

I'm slim, dark, not much make-up

I'm petite short , long dark red hair, size 12.

She was taller than me (but not tall), short blonde hair, size 18.

She was definitely more classically 'pretty' than me, but I have a 'quirkiness' that I prefer.

But what did she have that I hadn't? Newness. She laughed at his stories and his jokes. The ones I'd laughed at either 13 years earlier, or because I'd been there at the time, and no longer found funny.

They stayed together after I kicked him out because he felt he "had to make the best out of a bad situation" until she dumped him. He didn't tell me why, but I'm pretty sure I know - he has said a few things recently that reveal he hasn't changed at all.

The thing I'm the most disgruntled about, is that she had the confidence to get rid when she could see the real him, whereas I didn't.

Interesting points on here.

In my case the ow was much younger, same size as me but not as attractive.

She has lots of tattoos and piercings.

She has lots of dcs and leaves them on a very regular basis to go drinking with my ex.he told me that I didn't drink enough, she also does not put he dcs first which I have always done.

Interesting about the choice in music as according to my dcs he is going to watch Paloma Faith after stating for years that he couldn't bear to listen to female singers!

There isn't one single thing about them that I am envious of.

I don't care what they do and only know what I do because the dcs tell me.

My dd1s male friends have all commented that what was your dad thinking to leave your mum for her?

I kicked him out btw.

He has also got her name and one of her dcs names tattooed on his body according to dd1-tasteful.

Ordinary. In every way. Perfectly pleasant, reasonably attractive, moderately intelligent.

H liked her because she made him feel like a demigod.

I think it's awful when people cheat and have affairs but I don't think there is any "sort" of person people go for. I think it is just that people change and their tastes and likes become different and they are drawn to people who reflect that. Of course they shouldn't cheat, they should leave and be single before embarking on anything new but I think it's pointless trying to pin point a type or making judgements about tattoos / music / other activities - it doesn't mean anything except a fork in the road where one person is taking a different turn.

OW was 10 years younger, dumpy, frumpy and looked older than me! it was all bout the sex and the fact she worshipped him!!?? his words- she knew about me but I was totally blind to it all- he stayed with her after we split, & she had a couple of kids to him - roll on 5 years later, i was with now Dp in a pub - (lookin good after loosing 2 stone), his eyes were on stalks, and his mates told me he has cheated on her numerous times, hes always having ONS, shes always ringing his mates and checking up on him & she thinks hes with me behind her back????- no chance!!!, and ex then flirted with ANOTHER woman to try to make me jealous whilst OW was at home with his babies?? TWAT!!!!!!!! I actually see OW quite often taking the boys to school and feel nothing but pity for her & boys!!

Is it amazing how many men seem to crave being adored. I mean, yes it's nice to feel loved and admired but honestly..... grow up!

OW was his friend from uni. She was 6 years older than me, dark and exotic, with piercings in interesting places. She always had several men on the go in uni and was always up for casual sex. When my ex started seeing me she had moved back abroad and he kept my existence secret for years but would sleep with her whenever she was back in the UK.

I knew her. When she finally moved back to the UK full time we danced a delicate dance around each other. Ex loved it, two women fighting over him, the English rose and the hothouse flower. After she'd pushed it too far I suggested that as it appeared we were in an open relationship there was a small list of blokes I'd like to shag.

I have more self respect now.

I think "affair down" is a good way of putting it. Quite often the affair woman is younger with a lower self-esteem and that is the only thing she has over the wife who might have been more the whole array of confidence personality education etc

But still at some point in their lives, some men will risk it alk for youth

"Im sure james blunt could say it better"

Ha ha ha ha HA

A vindictive bitch!
She worked within a huge organisation that my Mum worked in, was head of HR, younger than me without children, very plain and I guess desperate.
Anyway when she found out Mum worked there she went into Mums records and helped herself to my details (next of kin).
My child was tiny 18 months and this woman stalked us, phoned me at stupid o'clock and would tell me all the intimate details.
I threw him out and she stepped up the stalking, she would phone and scream at me, telling me I should give him our car (mine I bought it), that the house should be sold as he gave me so much maintenance that I was a greedy cow ( my house bought before we got together and not a penny maintenance ever) BUT she screwed up when she told me how she knew my address/number etc... we got her the sack... he left her for another woman 6 months later!

I can see some patterns emerging here which is interesting.

My situation is older OW, by around 8 years. Totally opposit to me in terms of upbringing (a romany), uneducated, never worked (I met STBXH at Uni and am a professional as is he). She's twice divorced, child from each, she's a grandmother already, apparently doesn't need him for his money (assume she's on benefits though as no job at all) and I believe it is a very sexually charged relationship.
She has him on the demi-god pedestal.
I'm blonde, she's dark but otherwise we're similar build.
She smokes in her house which has caused rows as I don't want children in that environment.

His affair was a total shock and I believed we were happy and finally past the baby stage, just getting our lives back.

I'm well rid of the weak energy sapping lying stupid arse.

There i am worrying about all the attractive, successful women in dh's work and focusing on my appearance. Seems i am getting it all increadably wrong....

My exH had a long affair with someone I considered a friend. She worked with us in his family's company. She, too, was married with 3 DC of similar age to ours, and is seven years older than me (and exH). She was very good at her job, professional and a bit cold, though craved male attention - there were at least three younger guys in the office that she had extramarital flings with, one for a year.

She is much thinner, taller and more athletic than me (though I'm not exactly fat, exH always used to show me pics of me in more toned days, and lament that I wasn't like that any more, the twat), and everyone who knows us both has said I am far prettier than her. Not sure about that, but I have come to the conclusion that it was the cold controlling part of her that he was attracted to - ruthless (I am soft), avaricious (so is he), materialistic (so is he), and gym-obsessed. They have everything in common.

They are still together, fighting about money and the fact they are both terrible flirts and crave the attention of the opposite sex. I have it on good authority that he is serially unfaithful...

Good bloody luck to them, they deserve each other.

Forgot to mention - she is paranoid about me. I'm not allowed on their driveway when dropping the kids off, and when exH drops them at our house and stops for a chat she rings him. I can hear her shrieking down the phone. So strange, isn't it? Why do they do this to themselves, and their families? Idiots!

The OM was

younger (ouch)
shorter
dimmer
but the real killer .... Ginger!!!

Oh and one for merlin..... his fave singer - Garth Brooks!! (tee hee).