Do sexual partners have the right to expect certain things in bed?

[applemac]

I have recently come out of a long relationship. I agreed with someone I know to have a kind of friends with benefits relationship because I'm very busy. I thought it would be ok, but now I'm thinking I should finish it because he makes me feel like there is something wrong with me if I won't do exactly what he wants.

He is very big and I don't like sitting on top of him during sex because it hurts and I get a sensation like I'm going to wee. He makes me feel like I'm totally unreasonable not to want to do this position because he wants my boobs in his face. He also keeps nagging me for naked pictures of me and he complains if I can't get his penis right down my throat. My blowjob technique must be ok because he always comes. He also likes to be licked anally which I'm happy to do.

In a FWB scenario, is it unreasonable to not want to do certain things? My feeling is that you should treat the person with the same respect as if it was a relationship. He was here last night and he ended up getting annoyed with me because of the position thing. He said 'well I don't care if you wee, just do it' he doesn't understand that I don't want to feel uncomfortable! And I end up feeling like I'm weird and it upsets me.

I have a high sex drive all the time, in a relationship as well.

The reason I decided to do this with him is because I felt that he would be able to give me what I need without any trouble, and would not be nosey (like some others!) or want a relationship which I do not have the time to give right now.

It seems that he was bit as straightforward as I was hoping for.

Not as straightforward.

I suppose if this is your life choice then I am glad you are ending this so called relationship. What you need to do is find a way of improving your twat radar, and take longer to evaluate the men you choose to be in a relationship like this.

Would a referral for sex addiction be of any use to you? Maybe it's just me but I don't think it's normal to want sex at any price, with no thought to your personal pride and self esteem and safety. Maybe I've just led a sheltered life!

But it's not true to say that I want sex at any price. I don't. And I object to the idea that there must be something wrong with me if I like casual sex. You shouldn't project your own prejudices onto other people's lives.

I certainly have made a mistake with this one. And I allowed him to nag me into it in the first place because I had a feeling that since he isn't on the same wavelength as me it wouldn't work out. But I don't think that means I wouldn't be able to find someone more suitable.

Well there's no problem then is there. You are intending to end this relationship. You have learned what other people think about his attitudes to you and other women. You prefer this type of casual sexual relationship and feel this is the norm and right for you. Good luck to you.

I don't prefer it all the time. Just while I don't have time to do couple stuff at the weekends.

There is NOTHING wrong with preferring casual sexual relationships, whatever your circumstances are. You aren't a sex addict for wanting this ffs!

I think you got into something against your better judgement (haven't we all?), realised it was a bit off and (hopefully) are now taking steps to rectify e.g dump. I don't see that as a sign you need more counselling, although it's never a bad idea IMO. I see it as a sign that you are developing healthy boundaries for yourself and becoming more accepting of who you are and what you want. At the risk of sounding patronising, well done you!

Thank you Jacey.

You're welcome

So have you decided what you're going to say or are you just going to do the old silent dump and ignore his texts? I can see the temptation of this but it might help him modify his appalling behaviour in the future to have the feedback. Although this isn't your responsibility of course.

A now the OP is a sex addict who confuses libido with wanting a cuddle? WTAF? Some serious projection going on.

What IS clear is the OP picks abusive men due to the poor example set for her when she was growing up and has a low self-esteem. People like this are magnets for abusers.

OP, please, please, don't date, shag or hook up with any more guys until you do the Freedom Programme and stop going out with such arseholes.

Oh NoMary, when will you realise that your morality is not law?

Don't take personally OP.

There is nothing wrong with a FWB arrangement, who knows where it might lead?

But any sexual encounter should be about both parties getting what they want. Arguably that is easier with FWB, as there is no external baggage.

There should be no sexual hang ups, you get what you want, you give what you want. No match? No deal.

I am a bit vulnerable right now as I struggle with my mental health. I have just been to see my support worker and she also said I need to do the freedom programme.

On a general point wrt with the OP, there is nothing wrong with casual sexual encounters if that is what you prefer, but if those encounters put you into relationships with abusive men and other relationships which go quickly 'wrong' after the initial "they seem so nice at first" imo they are wrong. If the same casual sexual encounters lower your self esteem, put you in danger and loses your trust in men and endangers your mental health, they are wrong.

If you are confident and self assured and not looking for a LTR or commitment then if you choose casual sexual relationships or FWB and everyone is happy with the outcome, then that's fine and everyone has a right to make their choices.

Of course lets all encourage a mentally vulnerable woman to continue with behaviour which by her own account makes her turn to 'wrong' men who (according to the Freedom program) sexually abuse her. Her MH worker recognises there is unrecognised sexual abuse occurring here, but don't let that put people on here with their own agenda off. My comments relate only to what I read from the OP not sexual relationships in general.

I won't bother to comment again.

I can kind of see both sides of this. Getting to know men a bit longer as friends first might be better but then it kind of pushes it into dating/relationship territory which you don't want. Also, not all men are going to reveal their true selves or nasty side to someone they're only friends with. I was friends (not close friends but friends nonetheless) with my ex partner for 10 years before we got together and he still turned out to be a nasty sexual abuser. I would never have guessed that from being friends with him.

I would have said that this is one of those things that you should just chalk up to experience and forget about and you say your instincts were off about him from the start, which is good. Now you've said a bit more about your background I'm thinking maybe you do need to take a break from men for a while. There's nothing wrong with having a FWB even if you do have mental health issues but I think working on your self esteem, learning to trust your instincts more and doing the Freedom Programme will be very beneficial before you embark on this kind of relationship again.

Thanks for everyone's comments.

Now that I've had a think about it I have realised this situation mirrors one which happened about 6 years ago when I was quite unwell and I allowed myself to be hurt by someone during sex. When I'm very well I tell people to stop if they do something I don't like. So I guess Mary has a point.

Please apple. Get yourself well and mentally strong again before venturing into relationships that you are unsure of. Please try to only have relationships (casual or long term) where you meet men you won't have to tell to stop doing something but men who have their own boundaries and respect you, and won't need to be told anything, they will know when to stop.

I know it's a very old fashioned point of view but men and women who have casual sex with little thought for the other person or respect for them (men or women) often end up with little or no respect for themselves. I'm generalising of course because there are instances I am sure where it does work but not for everybody.

It takes a very strong woman to take control of her own sexuality and have casual sex without getting hurt in the process. And casual sex attracts men who often have no respect for women in general and the woman they sleep with in particular. Good luck and be careful.

Get rid of him! End of!!