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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do sexual partners have the right to expect certain things in bed?

169 replies

applemac · 25/10/2014 08:33

I have recently come out of a long relationship. I agreed with someone I know to have a kind of friends with benefits relationship because I'm very busy. I thought it would be ok, but now I'm thinking I should finish it because he makes me feel like there is something wrong with me if I won't do exactly what he wants.

He is very big and I don't like sitting on top of him during sex because it hurts and I get a sensation like I'm going to wee. He makes me feel like I'm totally unreasonable not to want to do this position because he wants my boobs in his face. He also keeps nagging me for naked pictures of me and he complains if I can't get his penis right down my throat. My blowjob technique must be ok because he always comes. He also likes to be licked anally which I'm happy to do.

In a FWB scenario, is it unreasonable to not want to do certain things? My feeling is that you should treat the person with the same respect as if it was a relationship. He was here last night and he ended up getting annoyed with me because of the position thing. He said 'well I don't care if you wee, just do it' he doesn't understand that I don't want to feel uncomfortable! And I end up feeling like I'm weird and it upsets me.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/10/2014 19:06

I am very relieved to hear that. Do you think you will need to contact him?

TeaAndALemonTart · 25/10/2014 19:07

Glad to hear it Apple.

Mumraathenoisylion · 25/10/2014 19:12

Thanks good choice

ouryve · 25/10/2014 19:12

You do nothing that both of you are not consenting to.

And I fail to see what the "benefits" are, if the sex is so unsatisfying for you. Isn't the whole point of this sort of arrangement that it's supposed to be fun?

ouryve · 25/10/2014 19:13

And glad to see that you've broken it off.

goodasitgets · 25/10/2014 19:14

Good decision
I have a v v long term FWB. We chat, he asks stuff, rimming was one of them. It was a discussion, he asked if I ever had and he wanted to try it. If I say no to anything it's no big deal or if I do something and don't enjoy it, and the same for me asking him
That's how it should work, and I trust him

JapaneseMargaret · 25/10/2014 19:16

Even the way you describe getting into this arrangement, for some reason, sounds coercive.

Very glad to read that you are ending it.

YouAreMyRain · 25/10/2014 19:16

Good apple, pleased to hear that you are ending the arrangement. No strings sex should be fun, not make you feel shit.

heyday · 25/10/2014 19:32

I guess you could say he has the right to ask you for whatever he wants.
You, on the otherhand, are totally and utterly entitled to say NO and then add btw ........ Piss off you selfish pig.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 21:37

Well done, apple, well done

This isn't about your parent's choices. This isn't about this prick's choices. This is about your choices.

colafrosties · 26/10/2014 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
applemac · 26/10/2014 10:13

Thank you for posting that colafrosties.

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 26/10/2014 10:46

Incidentally, it is nice to see the sentiments expressed there next to a picture of a sexy girl in a short skirt and figure hugging top. Emphasising the fact that the way you dress (as well as simply possessing a vagina of course) has absolutely no impact on how men should treat you.

NoMarymary · 26/10/2014 16:52

Not read the whole tread but I don't need to to ask why on earth you are with him?

The 'benefits' are all his way and as for a friend? Honestly, do you call this friendship?

Run!

ArabellaTarantella · 26/10/2014 17:03

No, dump this guy he's an arse..........even if a clean one, eh Grin

Original poster
applemac · 26/10/2014 17:34

I don't think he has any idea how to treat women. I've also had problems with him sulking if I can't see him. I have a very busy life and children to take care of, one with SEN. So my time is very limited.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 26/10/2014 17:46

Are you for real?

You have a busy life, children (one with SEN) and you waste your time on a total idiot ................ please, have some self respect. Surely it is better to live a celibate life than be treated like this?

It is just so sad that women allow themselves to think this sort of behaviour is somehow 'normal'.

LurcioAgain · 26/10/2014 17:52

Ragwort - RTFT. Like most women who "waste" time on total idiots, there's a back story involving the childhood example set by parents. Women generally don't "allow" themselves to think this sort of behaviour is normal, they're taught to think this sort of behaviour is normal by adults who should have known better (but were probably caught up in the same sort of cycle of abuse themselves).

Original poster
applemac · 26/10/2014 18:56

Thanks for that helpful comment ragwort. So because I have a lot going on in my life I am not entitled to a sex life? It's veery easy to judge someone when you don't know anything about their background.

OP posts:
Original poster
applemac · 26/10/2014 18:57

Oh and he is not the only man I could see but I seem to choose the wrong ones.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 27/10/2014 07:45

Appe - I believe you are 'entitled' to be treated respectfully and kindly - clearly this man is neither respectful or kind (as you yourself admitted at the beginning of the thread) so, as many others have said, I am sure it would be in your better interests to finish with him immediately. You also mention that he 'sulks' if you don't see him, he is clearly very selfish.

Lurcio - I have read the thread, and I repeat, whatever the background it is still very sad that women (or men for that matter) get into these relationships - I have a young relative who drifts from one abusive relationship to another and at some point I do believe that you need to take responsibility for your own actions, this is Mumsnet, and healthy, robust discussions are encouraged. There's no point just sympathising with someone and saying 'awww hun, you're lovely, everything will be alright' when sometimes you just have to be strong and decide how best to end a cycle of abusive relationships.

As has been said many times on Mumsnet, you can't change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change your own.

NoMarymary · 27/10/2014 08:45

I'm with ragwort on this. OP you say this so called friend (who is the only one enjoying the benefits from what I can see) is just one of other men you could be enjoying the same relationship with (as you are entitled to a sex life) Confused but you always seem to choose wrong ones!

How about having a bit of respect for yourself and learning to build your own self esteem instead of looking to inadequate men, who see you as nothing more than someone to service them sexually for free?

Is that really the way to live your life? Is that really the example to set your children? It is actually possible to be celibate and happy. Behaving the way you do isn't making you happy and is certainly not building your love for yourself. You need to respect yourself and your body and entering into dubious relationships like this won't help you do that.

Imo this FWB myth is nothing more than something invented by men for their benefit! I've yet to meet a woman who really benefits from one!

Original poster
applemac · 27/10/2014 08:59

Well I've had FWB relationships before with people who were respectful and kind and who wouldn't have dreamed of forcing me to do things I didn't want to so I don't really agree that they never benefit anyone. Some people have a high sex drive - it's not really anyone else's place to tell them to be celibate.

I do agree that I need to try to stop being abused by people because my boundaries are shit. But because of the sort of relationship my parents have and because of the way I was parented it's more difficult for me than others to be assertive and not get into these situations. I suppose I probably need more counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
applemac · 27/10/2014 09:03

I get taken in by people who, at first seem super nice. Then as soon as they get my trust the mask slips.

OP posts:
NoMarymary · 27/10/2014 09:19

Are you confusing a high sex drive with a need to be physically close to someone and have the facsimile of a loving caring relationship? Everyone loves to be cuddled and appreciated and it is easy to confuse this human need to be touched lovingly with your sex drive. In most loving relationships these needs are met simultaneously and from the outside, it looks as though you are confusing the two. Maybe not? I am not you but can only go on what you say.

As for men appearing nice and caring and turning out not to be perhaps if you didn't rush into a sexual relationship and were just friends without the benefits for a few months, they would show their true personality without having the opportunity to fuck up your mind and your body.