Take him back? After 3years?

[Undecided1999]

Long story short

Was with my partner for 15 years since 21, he left me for OW 3 years ago, just upped and left, no dcs.

I struggled to cope, he moved on with his OW, tried to get money he thought he was ' entitled' to ,they split up after 3months he tried to get back in with me, I said no. We then started to meet up now and again, he said he wanted to maybe give it another go, we weren't sleeping together and where just thinking things through really.

He meets another girl during this time and decides to go with her moves in with her and her children, about six months later he makes contact with me me and says he isn't happy again can he come home? I wasn't strong enough at this point so kept him at arms length, text now and again.

Situation is now this he has left the girl he was living with and is staying at his mums, he says he cares about the other girl, but chooses me over her, he says he loves me and never stopped loving me the time we where apart.

I want to try again but feel I can't trust him, we met for dinner last night these are some of the things he said

1. He will miss how she looks
2. He will miss the closeness they have (sex I presume)
3. She is too stressful for him
4. She is putting pressure on for marriage
5. She wants him to buy a house with her
6. The children are not his
7. If I didn't exist he might try to make it work with her
8. He chooses me over her
9. He loves me and thinks of me everyday

10. He wants to try again and move back in with me 11. He wants marriage and children with me 12. When he hugged me goodnight he said' you'll have too lose some of this' and patted my stomach - he makes me feel inferior looks wise, I am overweight but I'm not unattractive

Should I give it a go with him? I feel like it's now or never for me I've been alone since he left by choice and would like to be in a realtionship again, if I don't do this now I will have to move on for good.

Darling girl, he's saying everything and doing nothing!! And if you look back you'll probably see that he's been that way all along. You deserve so much, much more than he can ever offer you. He's a user, end of. I wonder if he'd be so eager to get you back if you had a shit job and didn't own a home. He's already proven that 'it's all about the money' in that he tried to take you to court over your home. That, right there, speaks volumes.

If you take this man back, you will surely sup sorrow with a long spoon!! There's nothing in him to show that he's changed, in fact he's pretty much laid it out for you that you are second choice and that he's not 'all that in to you' (and this after 15 years of knowing you!!!). How cold and calculating can a person be!!

My advice is to go NC. You haven't met anyone worthwhile because this piece of shit has kept you dangling with empty promises since you first broke up. Just enough contact and words to keep you hanging on instead of moving on. That's why you haven't met anyone….HIM!!!

If you won't listen to the excellent advise to drop him, at least do not let him move in. You don't want to risk your home a second time! And make it clear to him that he has to woo and court you. That is has to PROVE that he is truly worthy of you. My bet is, if you do that, he'll last one week before he's off to easier targets!

I'm so sorry if I've been harsh, but I've been in a similar situation (the fallback girl) and it almost broke my spirit. Good friends and a good counselor (which I recommend btw) pulled me back from almost certain disaster. I'm now happily married over 26 years with 2 wonderful grown sons. Don't shortchange your future!

OP - everyone on this thread is in agreement.

No one has said "lose a bit of weight to make yourself attractive to him and everything will be fine"

Because you are perfect the way you are now. You can find love exactly the way you are now, if you never contact this idiot again.

You have stayed single because he has been in your head as a "possibility".

Ditch him.

Make space for a new love (or just enjoy being you).

This man is nasty, if you have kids with him, you will be tied to him forever. He will only get worse.

Please don't do this to yourself.

Poison. Avoid him and stop seeing him again.

I don't even know where to start

Undecided you sound lovely, successful and genuine.
I think the reason you are on your own is that although he has left and had (at least) 2 relationships he has never actually let you go. You have never actually had the head space to be able to look up and make that sort of connection with someone new. Someone who WILL love you as you are meant to be loved.

Text him, now. and tell him you are having second thoughts. That this weekend is too soon. That you want to see how things go before you move back in together. Give yourself time.

He left her as he doesn't want the responsibility of the kids. He just wants to fuck her.

Any, yes, of course he wants to marry you. After all, that way he would be entitled to a share in the house. He will be cheating on you (possibly with her) as soon as he gets comfortable. And he will convince you its your fault.

I do remember a thread on here ages ago, about a long term cock lodging ex who was trying to get the house. Wanted to sleep in the garage at one point I think, or claimed he was sleeping in his van. He put that poor woman through hell. I'm guessing when you split up it was similar. You don;t want to go back there again.

You with him now Hun? You've gone quiet..........

Any new developments?

It really sounds like you are his fallback. His plan b.

You are worth more than to be his reserve when he can't find anyone else, destined to be dumped by him each time he finds someone he likes better.

I think you would really benefit from some counselling in order to build up your self esteem.

oh, just don't. really - don't.

OP, has he apologised for anything? Really apologised, do you think he believes he did anything wrong or that he was entitled to another woman, money from your house etc?

What happened with bringing you to court? Did he ever apologise for that or say it was wrong of him? I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like he doesn't care for you really but you're a great fallback, your own house, good job, easy sex no responsibilties for him, - will he pay rent, contibute?

Why does he have to move in straight away? Surely he should be spoiling you, taking you out on dates, making you feel amazing to get you back.

If you take moving in with you off the table will he still want to come back?

You're worth far more than someone's second or third best x

The fact that you have to ask if you 'should' do it again, to me, says you somehow feel obliged to take him back.

He isn't really a catch, is he? He cheated, couldn't make it work with her, gets with someone else, can't make it work with her, now he wants you.

His actions tell me that to him, you are a safe bet. He, for some reason, knows you will be there & he has spent 3yrs keeping you dangling, while sowing his wild oats, always knowing that you would be there.

Don't be. Don't be his 3rd choice, don't be his fall back.

So did he move back in? :( crosses everything in vain hope of a no

Dear god, why oh why would you saddle yourself with this fuckwit?

You clearly have zero self confidence, no doubt thanks to him.

Tell him to fuck off & do not have any further contact with him.

So did he move back in? sad crosses everything in vain hope of a no

+1 to that.

I'm guessing that the silence from OP means that he did.

Please get some counselling for your self-esteem

(it's the best thing I ever did)

Hello ladies,

No he hasn't moved back in I said I needed more time he said next weekend then? I said yes:-(

I went to meet him last night for a drink, this is why I'm confused, he was very very sweet, cried told me he has always loved me, I am his rock, he made some awful mistakes, he will never be happy without me, he offered to go to relate to start off on the right foot, I told him I loved him and always had he apologised over and over again for what he has done.

Said that I am beautiful, and he will not miss his ex, then we kiss I dropped him off at his mums and he leans in my shoulder and tells me he loves me, I tell him he can come home and we will start afresh.

So he cried, I cried we said we loved each other and we would try again, soooo today no text till five I said to him after everything we said last night, all the emotion, the forgiveness, and no text all day or a call- he says don't be silly I'll call you later that was four hours ago no call...... I just can't understand the mixed messages.

I'm lying I probably do understand them

He's been on the phone to his ex all day I suppose talking things through, so no thought to text me, even after everything he said, I am still like an old pair of slippers to him

How can anyone be so manipulative, surely he must mean some of what he said? I just don't get it

It's not unreasonable of me to expect some contact considering he has said I am the love of his love and he has been so unhappy without me?

Mixed messages are very simple to understand.

He says what he needs to get into your pants and then reverts to type.

You sound about 14. Ridiculous. Why do you value yourself so poorly?

Look, he's a dickhead, he will always fuck you about but only if you allow him to.

No, he doesn't really mean it. You desperately want it to be true and he knows that, it makes you so easy to manipulate.

It's not going to be easy but you have to find the strength to stop this life-wasting choice to cling onto him.

He sounds pretty worthless, you sound very lovely. Be brave. You can do it.

Since we separated we have never had sex or even kissed passionately just held hands and kissed occasionally

Oh OP, you understand the mixed messages alright, you just choose to ignore them. He's not interested in you despite the crocodile tears.
His ONLY interest is himself? He knows if he has no better option he can always come back to you because you'll be his rock and take him back no matter what he does to you.

Your self esteem is so low that you have not tried to move on, you have just been waiting for him to come back.
I'm so sorry for you, and it looks like you are about to make the same mistake again. You will keep making this mistake until you heal yourself or you die. You are the only one who can make the choice.

I understand it must be incredibly hard for you to make the decision that you know is right, on some level you must think yourself worthy of the way he treats you. I wish someone was around to prove you wrong.

Is there something you could do to give yourself some confidence? Get a new job, learn a new skill? It may help you get back on your feet.

FWIW, I'll be spending Christmas alone this year. While I'm not looking forward to it, it's better than being with the wrong person.

But 15 years? And it amounts to this?