Can you ever go back?

[BumpyNGrindy]

I've NC for this as I'm actually a very level-headed regular on relationships but I seem to be having a rush of blood to the head and need your help

About 10 years ago I met and fell head over heels with a man who became my DP. We were both single when we met. We had, for 7 years, the kind of relationship that used to make friends vomit a bit. Very loving. Very close emotionally. Amazing sex. Never argued (well, very rarely and only silly stuff)

For various reasons (all legit and agreed between us) we never lived together. We both had (older teenage) kids that we full-time parented and big work commitments that prevented that. But we were very much together and often talked about a time when we would grow old together

Then, completely unexpectedly, it turned out there was an OW. In a different city to where we both lived but where he often worked. It was the biggest shock of my life. I ended it immediately and, after the confrontation where I told him I knew, I have not seen or spoken to him for 3 years. It's like we both disappeared out of each other's lives.

Until now

He contacted me and we met for a coffee ( I know, I know!) He is full of remorse, regret and apologies. His relationship with the OW did not last and was not happy. He claims that he realised his mistake very quickly and never stopped loving / missing me. He does not blame me or the OW, only his own selfishness and stupidity which he now regrets. He is begging me for a second chance.

I have never really hated him. Possibly idolised him in his absence. And struggled to ever find a man / relationship who could match up to what we had.

So. My question. Would I be mad to consider it? Can a leopard ever change its spots. Is it possible to go back?

No-one can answer whether "once a cheater, always a cheater". But by asking that, you're making your choice dependent on HIM. When really, it should be dependent on YOU : "How comfortable do I feel with the thought of getting back with a man who cheated on me before?"

Line, I think I have pretty much. I think it's just that this has churned it al back up and it will settle down again when he's gone again.

I think there was a feeling of unfinished business because I really did cut it off stone dead. I never got any explanations or answers from him and for a while that did rankle. But after about a year I realised that no answers or explanations would make any difference to the outcome so that really helped me move forward.

Maybe him coming back and being contrite and regretful is just what I need to close things off. That it will validate how upset I was and close it off

Goats, Hi!

I think I'm asking if I think I can live with that question always in my mind aren't I?

Yes, I think you can process the apology without having to risk being back in a relationship with him.

Can people change ? Yes. Will they cheat again? Possibly. Is it worth the risk? I think you've come to the conclusion that it isn't. I think you've done the right thing.

Maybe an answer to those questions about why he did it will write the last chapter and close the book for you.

Fwiw. I think people can change but even if he never put a toe wrong again if the trust is gone the relationship just won't work. I think you can move on now a have no regrets.

NoMary I think you're right. Even if he never cheats again, I don't think I'll ever have peace will I? I'll always be waiting for it to happen. I feel exhausted even thinking about that!

I feel so sad though. For so long I used to hope and pray that he would come back. Slowly I realised that he wouldn't. Now that he has it is not the kind of fairy take ending I imagined. I feel sad about that. But can move on now knowing I've made a good decision that was in my control, not his.

I think sadness and what if, or if only will go round in your head for a month or two until you get back to the place you were before you heard from him again. It's desperately sad that men and women are always looking to the horizon for perfect happiness, instead of in their own backyard where it really is.

I guess it is the human condition

You were in control last time when you ended it. You are in control still but with a few answers and the realisation it was him and nothing to do with you. That should give you confidence and empowerment to go forward.

I would stock up on the chocs and wine though for a few days.

That's a wise saying indeed, about happiness often being in one's backyard and not on some distant horizon.

Sorry wrong thread

I'm a bit late to this thread. I've skimmed though it pretty well but won't claim to have read every post in detail.

Not saying you should give it another go OP, but I would say that, just sometimes, people do make catastrophic mistakes, realise that and not repeat them.