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Original poster

Can you ever go back?

161 replies

BumpyNGrindy · 23/10/2014 22:47

I've NC for this as I'm actually a very level-headed regular on relationships but I seem to be having a rush of blood to the head and need your help

About 10 years ago I met and fell head over heels with a man who became my DP. We were both single when we met. We had, for 7 years, the kind of relationship that used to make friends vomit a bit. Very loving. Very close emotionally. Amazing sex. Never argued (well, very rarely and only silly stuff)

For various reasons (all legit and agreed between us) we never lived together. We both had (older teenage) kids that we full-time parented and big work commitments that prevented that. But we were very much together and often talked about a time when we would grow old together

Then, completely unexpectedly, it turned out there was an OW. In a different city to where we both lived but where he often worked. It was the biggest shock of my life. I ended it immediately and, after the confrontation where I told him I knew, I have not seen or spoken to him for 3 years. It's like we both disappeared out of each other's lives.

Until now

He contacted me and we met for a coffee ( I know, I know!) He is full of remorse, regret and apologies. His relationship with the OW did not last and was not happy. He claims that he realised his mistake very quickly and never stopped loving / missing me. He does not blame me or the OW, only his own selfishness and stupidity which he now regrets. He is begging me for a second chance.

I have never really hated him. Possibly idolised him in his absence. And struggled to ever find a man / relationship who could match up to what we had.

So. My question. Would I be mad to consider it? Can a leopard ever change its spots. Is it possible to go back?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2014 07:45

"but I just can't help thinking that I'll never truly trust him."

You're already questioning his motives just by starting this thread. You're in at least two minds about it. 'Underlying issues' and big changes on his part are all well and good, but it'll be you twitching every time he's late home or doesn't pick up the phone.... not him and his issues. It'll either become that sore-point, 'you never let it drop' topic that all arguments eventually descend into, or it'll be the unspoken elephant in the room and a source of resentment.

It's not worth living with any level of anxiety

TyrannosaurusBex · 24/10/2014 07:49

Not sure that this is helpful, but I have two male friends who blew it with the love of their life. Both of them very quickly realised that they'd made a massive mistake and, over a decade later, one has stayed single as he has never gotten over the woman he messed up with. The other married and is extremely well-behaved - he knows the stakes.

Original poster
BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 07:49

No. He's not saying that. He's saying he was totally responsible for what he did. No excuses. But that he's trying to work on issues both internal to him and external factors that brought him to where he is. Honestly he's not minimising or excusing.

That's the $60,000 question isn't it? It's not even what he says. Its how I decide to handle it. If I even can handle it. At the moment I don't think I can. It's just too stressful.

OP posts:
Original poster
BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 07:52

And thanks for all your input. I kind of knew what it would be before I posted but it's been very refreshing to hear. I have played Devils advocate a bit but you have all been saying what I have been thinking

OP posts:
UnwittingAccomplice · 24/10/2014 07:53

A relationship needs respect, trust and intimacy to be successful. Love is not enough. Can you get those things back?

Maybe another way of looking at it - do you have time for an unsuccessful attempt at a relationship? I decided in my late 20s that since I wanted kids and I wanted a calm life, I was not going to spend any more time on relationships that wouldn't support those goals.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2014 08:01

The problem the Boy Who Cried Wolf had was not that he carried on lying but that, when he told the truth, no-one believed him.

Original poster
BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 08:15

Unwitting I don't want to waste any more time on crap relationships. Nor do I want to miss an opportunity to be happy.

Cog, that's spot on.

All this must make pretty depressing reading for anyone thinking of giving it another chance after a partner has cheated. As the mn collective we always say he must be contrite, must cut all contact with ow, must work on issues, must beg for forgiveness, must give you space to decide etc etc. This man has done all this in spades yet we still say no!

OP posts:
LineRunner · 24/10/2014 08:17

I've often read on here that men cheat because they can. Not sure what I think about that to be honest - my ex husband cheated on me twice and I think my judgement could be clouded - because there are surely to god many men who could cheat but don't.

So I think [some] men cheat because they want to. Because they feel entitled to. And 'fixing' that mindset may be possible but I would need to see an awful lot of proof. Probably more proof than could ever actually exist.

LineRunner · 24/10/2014 08:21

Sorry OP, just seen your last post. I gave my exh another chance. He blew it again after three years, and that time he upped and left with OW.

The reason I gave him another chance was circumstances - like many women seeking advice on MN, there were children and living arrangements to consider. It seemed worth trying.

You don't have those treacherous ties. You can stay free if you want.

Original poster
BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 08:29

It's a total head fuck linerunner. That's for certain.

You're right though. We have no kids together or financial ties which means that I'm not "obliged" to try again. But that also means that I'm not risking anything except my heart.

I am ashamed to say I cheated on a bf when I was much much younger. I have never done it since. I changed. I learned a lesson. So it does happen.

I'm tying myself in knots here aren't I?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 24/10/2014 08:35

Was it really such a great relationship?

How did you find out he was cheating, for instance? We're alarm bells ringing at all?

LineRunner · 24/10/2014 08:35

Were . Bloody kindle.

Original poster
BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 08:40

I think it was a great relationship. Certainly the best one I've ever had.

I found out when the OW made herself known to me. But I had thought something was up - though I never thought it was a OW. THought it was work stress / issues with his kids that had made him distant

OP posts:
LineRunner · 24/10/2014 08:43

So at that point your world shifted tectonically, if you felt anything like me.

What did he do?

Sassyb0703 · 24/10/2014 08:45

This is how my relationship with Dh began. Four years together, (seperated homes, ) passionate, life changing etc etc .... but huge stresses with money, children . He met OW , I confronted and had no contact for 18 months, although I knew OW and he had finished after 6 weeks. We met up talked and talked , I knew he was worth another chance and made the decision that if I was going down that road again I had to trust and look forward and not back. I also decided that the happiness I could hope for in this relationship would outweigh the grief I would feel if it didn't work. It's a huge gamble but now we have just had our 26th wedding anniversary, a gamble worth. taking. - My advice is if you can consider your previous relationship a 'false start' and trust as if this is the beginning, then it has a great chance of success. If you can't, then it is doomed before you begin..There is nothing to be gained from your ex being/saying sorry for every.. This is a new beginning and you both need to start from a level pitch.

FluffyMcnuffy · 24/10/2014 08:45

Can I ask who was it that decided you wouldn't live together? I appreciate it was mutual but was he keen on the idea?

Original poster
BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 08:51

Fluffy I have already said. Children and work committments. It just wasn't physically possible. But it was an entirely mutual decision and one that worked really well for us (as it does for manymany couples nowadays). That's not an issue honestly.

LInerunner yes. My world collapsed. It took me a long time and lot of effort to get myself back on track. And that is very precious to me. One of the hardest things I've ever done and I feel quite proud of it. I don't want to risk that again - although I don't think any man can ever lay me so low again because I know now that I can get through it if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 24/10/2014 08:58

Yes, I think you've shown amazing strength and resilience. (I just re-read your opening post.)

It's a really tough call. I know you want to try again - but I would worry for you. That was quite a revelation that you got dumped onto you three years ago. So severe in fact that you cut off all contact.

Original poster
BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 09:01

It's a classic head v heart dilema and I just don't know which way to jump. I change my mind about every 5 minutes.

I am seeing him next week to talk some more. Perhaps I'll know more then.

OP posts:
Original poster
BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 09:01

And Sassy thank you for your story - realy happy it worked out for you!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 24/10/2014 09:03

Yes, I wondered how you found out and also how long it went on for. Also, did she know about you?

I don't think you can ever forget a betrayal. You can never ever really trust that person - even if there's just 0.5% doubt, it's still there.

He didn't fight for you at the time, did he? He just left you alone with your head fit to explode with questions and worry. He wasn't there for you then. He had three years away from you; three years when he could have come to see you, to apologise and to check you were OK. He didn't do that.

I'd move on.

Original poster
BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 09:07

Imperial I made it very very clear after a very dramatic confrontation that I didn't want him to ever contact me again and he respected that. But he did find out via friends and family (and a bit of FB detective work!) how I was doing.

Yes, she knew about me. She didn't care. She let me know because she correctly guessed that I would dump him.

But yes, that 0.5% doubt is what is holding me back

OP posts:
LineRunner · 24/10/2014 09:11

But he did continue to have a relationship with her? I know you said it was short-lived, but that did happen.

That would piss me off.

Isabeller · 24/10/2014 09:12

It is possible but painful to live with the knowledge he might not be entirely trustworthy. You are perfectly entitled to try and see if you can contain that anxiety in a small enough part of your thinking not to let it spoil your life.
Others may think this is an unreasonable analogy but it is possible to live a mostly happy life despite one partner having an illness which could cause sudden serious problems. Or being an alcoholic in recovery. For some the anxiety about possible catastrophic relapse would be too much. Others are very good at 'living in the day'.

Good luck.

LineRunner · 24/10/2014 09:23

If you are going to even consider risking this, which I suspect you currently are, then I think you should find out as much as you can about the supposed changes that came about during therapy / counselling.

My experience is that for some people the therapeutic process permits more rather than less self-absorption. This can be fine where the person is seeking greater self-esteem. Not always so great where a man's looking to explain away a very hurtful and damaging affair, unless handled very skilfully.