Can you ever go back?

[BumpyNGrindy]

I've NC for this as I'm actually a very level-headed regular on relationships but I seem to be having a rush of blood to the head and need your help

About 10 years ago I met and fell head over heels with a man who became my DP. We were both single when we met. We had, for 7 years, the kind of relationship that used to make friends vomit a bit. Very loving. Very close emotionally. Amazing sex. Never argued (well, very rarely and only silly stuff)

For various reasons (all legit and agreed between us) we never lived together. We both had (older teenage) kids that we full-time parented and big work commitments that prevented that. But we were very much together and often talked about a time when we would grow old together

Then, completely unexpectedly, it turned out there was an OW. In a different city to where we both lived but where he often worked. It was the biggest shock of my life. I ended it immediately and, after the confrontation where I told him I knew, I have not seen or spoken to him for 3 years. It's like we both disappeared out of each other's lives.

Until now

He contacted me and we met for a coffee ( I know, I know!) He is full of remorse, regret and apologies. His relationship with the OW did not last and was not happy. He claims that he realised his mistake very quickly and never stopped loving / missing me. He does not blame me or the OW, only his own selfishness and stupidity which he now regrets. He is begging me for a second chance.

I have never really hated him. Possibly idolised him in his absence. And struggled to ever find a man / relationship who could match up to what we had.

So. My question. Would I be mad to consider it? Can a leopard ever change its spots. Is it possible to go back?

Yes, that's what I meant. He shouldn't assume that just because you are single he has the right to try it on. However, I'm glad to hear he wasn't stalking. His mother and son may have encouraged him to approach you, even. I wouldn't advise you to accept, m'self, but at least as you say it's not all bad news about his character.

I do think you deserve happiness, though I strongly suspect you won't find it by trying to recreate the past (a past which was at least in part an illusion), but I don't think the party of the second part deserves a second chance at something he blew apart like a complete idiot.

His mum would love us to get back together. So it wouldn't surprise me if she'd encouraged him.

And you are right he deserves precisely nothing from me

Why would his mother want you to get back together?

Maybe she likes me line? It has been known!

She loves my dc. She wants her son to be settled. She thinks I'm good for him u dunno

I dunno. Not u dunno

she thinks if she can offload her dickhead son into your capable hands, she can shuffle off this mortal coil with a clear conscience

What does his mother think is in it for you, though?

Fuck me AF that's horrible. This woman is a kind and lovely person who, at less than 60 years old, is probably thinking nothing of the sort. Sorry, I love a lot of your work but that was just nasty

Oh well . Err, where did I say she wasn't a lovely woman ?. In her eyes, she would be looking out for the best for her son. (you).

And on that note I shall sign out of this name change. That's just crossed a line from constructive advice to plain blinkered prejudice.

What a shame. I had found some of your plainly spoken advice and insights very useful but I'm not prepared to countenance that kind of shit.

Thank you MNers for your help. I shall read and reread many times in sure as I make a decision

You are flouncing from your thread because of something one person said ?

That's a bit counter intuitive.

AF you know what you implied - no, not implied, - said about her. It was nasty and uncalled for based on nothing more than me saying she was a lovely, supportive person to me. So yes, you know what you said and it was nasty.

Sometimes you dress up plain speaking AF as something else and it is unbecoming.

And no. Not a flounce. A tactical withdrawal

This guy dumped you from a great height for very little reason at all. Then he seemed to lose the plot a bit. His mother probably saw more of that than you did, what with you being NC until he turned up out of the blue professing undying love.

His mum would love for you to get back together. Then she can stop worrying about her boy making a cock-up of his life again, what with you to keep him on the straight and narrow.

is that such an odd scenario to get your head around ?

My point was, how do you feel about taking on that role.

I think the mother wanting you to take on her son again is really significant, btw, for what it's worth. Do you feel a slight expectation there?

Anyway, if you do leave the thread, take care and don't be swayed by anything other than your sensible head.

FWIW, I love my own MIL more than my own birth family

but if her son treated me like hers has you, I am pretty sure she would be advising me to never touch him with a bargepole again

AF I'll tell you what upset me about your comments. You attributing these selfish motives to someone who doesn't deserve them. Has done nothing wrong to me. Has only been spoken about positively by me. And mentioning her dying probably didn't help either! That's just not nice

But let's deconstruct what you say you meant by it:

"This guy dumped you from a great height". Nope I dumped him. And I'm sure you realise that, in terms of how I came to terms with it, that was an important point for me

"for very little reason at all." I'd call an affair a pretty good reason.

"Then he seemed to lose the plot a bit." I have no idea what you base that on!

"His mother probably saw more of that than you did." I doubt it - they live on different continents to each other

"His mum would love for you to get back together." I have said this yes. But I don't know for certain. She has not even mentioned his name to me for over two years.

"Then she can stop worrying about her boy making a cock-up of his life again" I'm sure all mums worry about this but I'm not sure if she views his life as a cock up!

"what with you to keep him on the straight and narrow." It was being with me that actually took him away to another country!

"is that such an odd scenario to get your head around ?" Let's not even go there with how patronising that sounds!

As for "that role". I'm not sure what "that role is". If I got back with him I would be his partner not his mother. It would not be my job to keep him on the straight and narrow. That would be his job.

So if you can lay off the character assassination of a woman who has never done me a moment's harm, who I love very much and who I hope lives for another 30 years, I'd be grateful!

Linerunner - what's all this with me "taking on" her son? That is very much AF's take on it. I have said I think she would probably like us to get back together. Probably because she liked having me in the family (who wouldn't? ) She wants her DS to be happy and she probably thinks I would make him happy. Not so I can his police escort!

And no. I feel no expectation at all. a. because we never talk about him and b. we live on different continents so it's hardly like she's round her pleading every day.

So no, of all the considerations in this decision, which I am trying to make with my sensible head, his mother is not one.

As you can tell from the timing of this post I can't sleep!

Ugh. This is a tough one. Personally I don't think I'd have the strength to get through all the inevitable bitterness/jealousy/fear. Esp if you still have the same dynamics in place re working away - mr tulips and I travel a lot for work and we've always agreed that an affair would be irrecoverable from as making travel work requires an even higher bar. Personally I would send him on his way and make my peace with that decision.

Why did you post this thread.

Did your really think people would say yes get back with him.

HE CHEATED. HE DIDN'T CARE THAT HE WAS LYING TO YOU, HURTING YOU.

YES YOU DUMPED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS UNFAITHFUL.

If you want to get back the cheat then do it, but don't think for one second if the opportunity came again he would do the same again.

Clutter I posted to get people's considered opinions which I have largely got thanks.

Heavens did you read what I said OP? I think by far it is the most reasoned, and if I may say, more in line with what you want to hear.

The fact you are defending him despite yourself is coming from your heart, and sometimes our heart needs to overrule our head and give someone another chance.

Reading between the lines I think you want to do this but are asking on here for us to endorse this wholeheartedly and also to give you a guarantee it will work. Which if course no one can!

To ask on relationships for encouragement to forgive a cheating partner is like asking for diamonds. 95% of responses will be negative. I gave advice which is positive but with safeguards. My question again. What have you got to lose? Write down a list and if the pain and distress caused if it goes wrong outweighs the possibility of it working then walk away.

Mary yes I did read what you said. Sorry I didn't respond directly.

What have I got to lose? My self respect? My sanity? I just cannot risk going back to where he took me when he cheated. It nearly broke me.

I think the question I'm asking is "can someone change or is it once a cheater, always a cheater".

I know I'm never going to get endorsement here. It's just that I really don't feel ready to talk about this too much in RL and wanted some outside opinion.

I have that now and in general it matches what I've been thinking. That it's just too much of a risk.

I must admit I'll be sad to walk away again. But sometimes we have to make tough decisions don't we?

OP, do you think you ever really got over what he did? All the pain and distress? You sound a mixture of tough and forlorn.

Maybe you have unfinished business. But getting back together with him is probably, as you sense, not the way to find a resolution for this (just my opinion obviously).