Can you ever go back?

[BumpyNGrindy]

I've NC for this as I'm actually a very level-headed regular on relationships but I seem to be having a rush of blood to the head and need your help

About 10 years ago I met and fell head over heels with a man who became my DP. We were both single when we met. We had, for 7 years, the kind of relationship that used to make friends vomit a bit. Very loving. Very close emotionally. Amazing sex. Never argued (well, very rarely and only silly stuff)

For various reasons (all legit and agreed between us) we never lived together. We both had (older teenage) kids that we full-time parented and big work commitments that prevented that. But we were very much together and often talked about a time when we would grow old together

Then, completely unexpectedly, it turned out there was an OW. In a different city to where we both lived but where he often worked. It was the biggest shock of my life. I ended it immediately and, after the confrontation where I told him I knew, I have not seen or spoken to him for 3 years. It's like we both disappeared out of each other's lives.

Until now

He contacted me and we met for a coffee ( I know, I know!) He is full of remorse, regret and apologies. His relationship with the OW did not last and was not happy. He claims that he realised his mistake very quickly and never stopped loving / missing me. He does not blame me or the OW, only his own selfishness and stupidity which he now regrets. He is begging me for a second chance.

I have never really hated him. Possibly idolised him in his absence. And struggled to ever find a man / relationship who could match up to what we had.

So. My question. Would I be mad to consider it? Can a leopard ever change its spots. Is it possible to go back?

Do you plan to live together if you give it another go?

I only ask because it seems to me like you two not living together seemed to rather suit him as he was off with the OW. Did you have joint finances? Serious plans for the future? How serious was the relationship?

Do you think if the OW had not made herself known to you the affair would have carried on?

You're repeating this mans words like they're the gospel, where does the confidence in his alleged honesty come from?

I get the impression you still have an idealised view of this relationship (basically it was perfect apart from his pesky infidelity).

As much as I would love to have back what I once had - I don't think I'd ever have that. I'd have something else entirely. A relationship with a man who'd thought he could do better / be happier without me and then realised through trial and error that he couldn't?

^This^

Fluffy - trust me, it suited me too to live apart. Please fon't get hung up on that point. It's truly not relevent. And as an even cursory reading of this board will show, living together is not guarantee of fidelity. I think long term we would but certinly not in the short term if I ever decide to go back

Isetan I am not taking his word as gospel. Very very much the opposite. I am being very cynical and asking him some very searching questions. I am telling you what he's saying to me so that I can give a full picture. But I am not necessarily believing them myself.

Linerunner he's not trying to explain it away. He has been more honest about his behaviour than I think I could have been.

I am erring on the side of telling him to leave me alone at the moment for what it's worth

Bumpy I don't mean to sound as if I'm picking fault with you, im honestly not, im just trying to understand the situation fully before I offer advice.

Would you say the relationship was serious? Also do you think he would have carried on seeing the OW if she hadn't made herself known?

Your apparent willingness to believe him, suggests that you're probably not in the right frame of mind to embark on a relationship with this man. Sounds to me like his wants are still his only consideration. What does he think the benefits for you are of rekindling a relationship with a liar and a cheat?

Fluffy I'd say that yes, after seven years it was serious! Families all met, holidayed together, spent Christmas together, always talked about our lomg term plans etc. Yes it was serious

Isetan - I'll say again. Do not confuse the fact that I am writing here what he is telling me, with me believing it all. Like I said, I am erring on the side of walking away at the moment

Linerunner he's not trying to explain it away. He has been more honest about his behaviour than I think I could have been.

You refer to him being honest but stating the bloody obvious and voicing the plausible, isn't the same as honesty.

The fact that you cut him off cleanly and decisively is what has kept him hankering after you. Had you done the Pick Me Dance he'd still have chosen her and you wouldn't be hearing from him now. Some silly people sentimentalise the things they can't have or have no chance of getting back. That is what is happening here. I would not take him back. I think you'll find yourself in the same position in a couple of years.

How long was he seeing her for?

Sorry, I meant how long was he seeing her for both before you found out and after you dumped him?

Well, from an outsider's perspective I'd advise you to walk away and leave it. He had an affair for his own selfish gratification and didn't even have the bollocks to tell you; you had to find out from someone else. He carried on the relationship with the OW after you split, that's got to be a bit of a kick in the teeth. You've built yourself back up after a horrible ordeal which is no mean feat, are you ready to risk him destroying that?

Nicki I guess we'll never know who he would have picked. I certainly didn't give him a chance to pick!! I'm so glad I didn't.

Isetan perhaps you will understand from how I acted when I found out that I am not a woman prepared to put up with any shit / lying / being 2nd choice. I promise you I am taking everything he says very cynically.

I think it's quite depressing isn't it? To think that nobody can fundamentally change.

Anyway, thanks again for all your help.

You can't really change the ending to that story. It had a horrible ending.

Can you start a new story with this man? I think the fact that he carried on seeing the OW after you found out suggests 'No'.

And I am sorry you are having to go through this. Must be awful.

About 2 months Imperial. He carried on seeing her for about 6 months after we split. It was not a happy time from what he tells me (again I know that's only his version of events and he's unlikely to tell me any different!)

Fluffy you have got it there. I do not want to undo three years hardwork on myself and my self-esteem and life on such a risky prospect.

Thanks LineRunner. Really appreciate all your input

Six months! I thought you were going to say about six weeks.

It's such a tough one isn't it and I totally empathise with your situation. I've always said to myself in life id rather think "oh well" than "what if" but I think if you give it another go and it goes tits up you will be back to square one.

I'm assuming it took you a good long while to get over this man? I'd take extreme caution before giving it another go as I'm sure you don't want to go through that again.

Glad to be talking to you, OP. You sound great.

Six months? No. I know you told him to bugger off, but he did that while having a relationship with someone else.

By the way, did he ever live with her?

LineRunner - he tells me it took a while to disentangle himself. She was very keen for it to continue. He regeretted it the minute I screamed at him like a banshee and slammed his front door almost off its hinges confronted him in an adult manner. Again, this is what he tells me. I am aware that this may not be true though I do have testimony from mutual friends that she is quite an intense, difficult woman.

And now you smashing lot have made me late for work damn you!

I feel much much calmer for talking it through though.

No, he never lived with her.

OP remember that you don't have to decide right now. It's fine for you to take your time deciding whether you want to give it another go.

You are feeling uncertain and anxious, these posts show it.

You say you could not be in a relationship where you feel uncertain and anxious.

I think you have your answer, then.

Does it really matter whether he has changed or not?

Surely it's not really a question of whether he 'deserves' another chance, but
rather whether you want to have a relationship with someone who treated you so badly (even if he later regretted it) and the effect this may have on your self esteem and peace of mind.

Perhaps he has changed, but he would do better to apply what he has learned in a new relationship.

Getting in touch with you again seems an incredibly selfish thing to do, and I would question whether he has your best interests at heart.

And as for taking a while to disentangle himself?
Had you not just shown him how simple it can be to end a relationship, if you really want to?