Can you ever go back?

[BumpyNGrindy]

I've NC for this as I'm actually a very level-headed regular on relationships but I seem to be having a rush of blood to the head and need your help

About 10 years ago I met and fell head over heels with a man who became my DP. We were both single when we met. We had, for 7 years, the kind of relationship that used to make friends vomit a bit. Very loving. Very close emotionally. Amazing sex. Never argued (well, very rarely and only silly stuff)

For various reasons (all legit and agreed between us) we never lived together. We both had (older teenage) kids that we full-time parented and big work commitments that prevented that. But we were very much together and often talked about a time when we would grow old together

Then, completely unexpectedly, it turned out there was an OW. In a different city to where we both lived but where he often worked. It was the biggest shock of my life. I ended it immediately and, after the confrontation where I told him I knew, I have not seen or spoken to him for 3 years. It's like we both disappeared out of each other's lives.

Until now

He contacted me and we met for a coffee ( I know, I know!) He is full of remorse, regret and apologies. His relationship with the OW did not last and was not happy. He claims that he realised his mistake very quickly and never stopped loving / missing me. He does not blame me or the OW, only his own selfishness and stupidity which he now regrets. He is begging me for a second chance.

I have never really hated him. Possibly idolised him in his absence. And struggled to ever find a man / relationship who could match up to what we had.

So. My question. Would I be mad to consider it? Can a leopard ever change its spots. Is it possible to go back?

Trouble is, you'd like things to go back to how they were before you found out and you were happy together.

Even if you were to go back to those times, those were times when he was happy because he had you and another woman. You were only happy because you didn't know.

You can never go back to how it was pre-cheat because you can't change the past.

If you'd both been unhappy together and he'd cheated that would be more understandable, but he cheated on a good relationship. If you go back into a good relationship then he's shown form for that not being enough.

So she told you that she was seeing him (knowing how upsetting that would be to any woman) and you confronted him. You were incredibly upset and hurt. He continued to see her because she was difficult.

This isn't right. He should have ended it with her immediately because he was so furious with himself for hurting you and so angry with her for telling you like that.

Instead, he carried on seeing her for another six weeks (I'd double that, based on the liars I've known) and only now comes to you to ask for forgiveness.

No, no, no.

Every time I went back to any situation it never worked out and it wasn't all men and those that were were not all cheaters, so life has taught me not to go back.

We should only move forward.

We all change. You won't have what you had before his affair as you are both different people now.

Inherently the same but other qualities will more enhanced since the betrayal. Differences that since the betrayal that might prevent you rubbing along so smoothly.

Personally I wouldn't let him put his toe over the doorstep and believe me I'm a soft touch.

He had something good and beautiful with you and it wasn't enough.

Keep his sorry ass on the other side of your front door!

Imperial - they were living (not cohabiting if you know what I mean) and working together (along with others obviously) in a very remote location for that time. It must have been awkward to finish it before he could get away. But yes, he could have done if he'd really wanted to. And I guess with me off the scene there was no need to worry about my feelings any more. And yes I am aware how awful that sounds and how awful it is!

Dowser "He had something good and beautiful with you and it wasn't enough." Quite. I have told him that very forecfully. In short sentences with quite a few four letter words in them. Because that is the crux of why I will always doubt him in the future

He wasn't on a chain gang, was he, Bumpy? I can't think of any other reason why he had to stay for six months and to continue the relationship!

I think once someone has spoiled the relationship - literally damaged it - there is no going back to the way it was. What you want is the way it was before you knew. Don't forget, for several weeks of that time he was actually with someone else. He knew you didn't know. He didn't want you to know. He knew if you did find out, you'd end it. It didn't stop him.

There are other men out there worthy of you. I don't think this man is one of them.

I think you might be right Imperial. I think you might be right

Hey Bumpy, you sound like a lovely lady but he doesn't sound like a lovely man.

People who deceive, who are disloyal, unfaithful, and who are downright liars...NEVER CHANGE!

If he had genuinely loved you and missed you in those 3 years, he could not have kept himself away from you. He's back, I imagine, because certain circumstances in his life are currently difficult...and he just wants to use you for support and comfort. Or perhaps just great sex. Sorry.

Provided you are sure he is not lying about the length of time he and the OW have been apart and that he has been for counselling and all the other things (factual) he has told you, I would say try again.

If you go in with an open mind and see if the relationship can work and trust can be rebuilt, then it could be the situation you want in your life. If however you are consumed by doubt then you can end it. You can't go in with that trusting heart you had before because he has betrayed you once, and the relationship will never be the same, but it can work. You will naturally hold back because of the cheating but it could still work out in the long run.

It's not an easy option but if you are prepared to take a risk, it may be what you both want. Everyone makes mistakes but shouldn't always pay for them forever. Ultimately every relationship needs that leap of faith and this is just a but harder than previously. I don't think you have anything to lose by trying again. You will to some extent be on your guard and if the insecurity is too much then you've lost nothing and can walk away.

I don't go along with "everyone makes mistakes" when it comes to cheating. There are so many decisions that need to be made before you find yourself in a relationship with someone else that it can't just be a mistake. It was an intention. He wanted to cheat. He wanted his cake and eat it. If the OW had never contacted the OP, he probably would have got away with it.

A mistake is when you have a good intention but get something wrong. There were no good intentions here.

A mistake is an error of judgement which is misguided or wrong, not some good intention that misfires. At least according to the dictionary.

OP admits she also cheated when she was younger. People can learn by their mistakes as she says she did.

People are human and don't always get it right. Some people regard cheating as the ultimate unforgivable sin (I do in my own life) but OP is clearly torn between rekindling this relationship and the doubts she will feel which will perhaps eat into her and destroy any chance of it working.

In the 3 years since she hasn't found anything close to this man and sadly wonderful men are a bit thin on the ground (not saying he is wonderful just it seemed so at the time).

What has she got to lose in giving it 6 months or so? It will give her an idea of how she now feels about him and if she can live with the uncertainty. At least if she gives it a go she won't have the 'what if' moments and can close the book on it all knowing she has given it ago.

Fwiw I think it will fail but at least she will know for sure.

Perhaps the dictionary does not say that but, in my mind, a mistake is when you meant to do right, and missed, for whatever reason. Setting out to have an affair is just wrongdoing, plain and simple. It's easy to say it's a mistake once you get caught.

And yes, cheating is unforgivable to me too.

I agree with Mary, I would take it VERY slowly for 6 months and see how I felt. If the anxiety and bitterness were too much then end it but I fully believe that people can and do change, otherwise my job would be pointless!

I agree with Lois. He wanted his cake and eat it.

He had great sex with bumpy....why wasn't that enough. Everything else seemed to tick a lot of boxes too...but it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough the first time...would it be enough the second time.

Op I'm sure he's very contrite and I'm sure right now he'd swear on his mothers life he wouldn't do it again but when things are all cosy again with you and some new flesh is on the horizon....could you really, really trust him not to wade in there again.

You've got your life sorted. You were over him do you really want to risk your peace of mind when he has more to gain than you.

Maybe to help clarify you could have two pieces of paper with advantages of letting him into your life again and the disadvantages.

Personally I would wait until the right one came along who is deserving of you .

Just asked OH who would go down with his ship rather than cheat and he said

Once a cheat always a cheat.

Don't go back, don't trust him again.

My thoughts entirely.

Mantra for today OP

we had amazing sex
We had amazing sex!
We had amazing sex!!
We had amazing sex!!!
We had amazing sex!!!!
We had amazing sex!!!!!
We had amazing sex!!!!!
We had amazing sex!!!!!!
We had amazing sex!!!!!!!

AND HE STILL DID THE DIRTY!

RUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's a lot of sex and a lot of exclamation marks Dowser!!!!

I also regard cheaing as the ultimate deal breaker which is why I just finished it imediately when I found out. If we tried again it would have to be as a completely fresh start, not just picking up from where we were. The clock would have to be reset to zero I guess. But that would be hard to achieve if I don't fundamentally 100% trust him. Which, right now, I can't say I do.

Having said that, I don't think I will ever 100% trust anyone ever again. That part of me has broken I think which is sad.

I don't think I will ever 100% trust anyone ever again. That part of me has broken

Ach, you don't know that. All that you know is that you don't trust this particular man. For good reason.

Maybe not but it has certainly clouded things for me these last three years.

Bumpy, I feel for you. It's easy for us to say, your nuts, stay away, he's bad news etc but when you have the man you loved telling you exactly what you want to hear, it's really tough.

I, personally, could never take him back as I would never be able to trust him.
He was cheating on you at a time when your relationship was at an all time high. In fact, your words were:

Very loving. Very close emotionally. Amazing sex. Never argued (well, very rarely and only silly stuff)

Well, if he can cheat and leave then, what the hell will he do if the shit really hits the fan, which does happen a lot during relationships?
Also, if you were to take him back, would you live together or would the living situation be as it was previously?

DeMaz thank you. Yes, as you say, it's harder to be the one asking for advice when your heart is involved than it is giving the advice out!

And believe me, when we first split up, I spent a LOT of time fantisising about him coming back on bended knee and begging me to forgive him. Now that he has it's not quite as easy as I thought either way!

Also, we did have a great deal of shit hitting a lot of fans in our lives when we were together. But it never seemed to affect us as a couple. We pulled together. It wasn't all shagging and laughs in our lives for seven years!

OP, you said he "did or is doing everything that MN suggests a cheating partner should do after cheating is uncovered" (slightly paraphrased)

No, he isn't. The standard act of contrition is that you immediately and unequivocally give up the OW?OM whether your primary relationship goes forward at that time or not.

he didn't, did he ? He carried on for 6 months more, with some bollocks designed to make you feel bad for him along the lines of "she made me do it"

this is a weak man, OP

weak men don't change

For the record, I didn't ask you to tell us what the underlying issues were.

What I meant really was are you convinced that these issues are genuine and that he really has tried to resolve them. Because how you feel about that must impact on how well you would be able to forgive him.

Is that you AF?

There were particular and peculiar circumstances which meant he had to be in (very) close almost 24 hour proximity with her for 6 months after I left. I can imagine it was a very tricky situation for him. And I say that with absolutely zero sympathy for him. But it's not bollocks. It's a function of the sphere we both work in.

This wasn't a standard "I met her in the pub / office" situation unfortunately.

He tells me now that he felt a bit paralysed / in shock when I left him and couldn't seem to make any decisons, let alone good ones. Once again - just offering you what he is giving me. I know I was certainly in shock. Drank too much. Made some very poor decisions. Put myself in some very very dodgy and dangerous situations.

Again I'm not making excuses for him. Just trying to give a bit more info about the situation without outing myself. This is tricky - I can see now how poster's get accused of drip feeding!

That's OK Where

I don't know. If having counselling and trying to address the issues once and for all is really trying, then I guess he has. Yes, I know the issues are genuine - I was with him for 7 years and we discussed them many many times. But whether they are resolved completely, I guess I might never know