Can you ever go back?

[BumpyNGrindy]

I've NC for this as I'm actually a very level-headed regular on relationships but I seem to be having a rush of blood to the head and need your help

About 10 years ago I met and fell head over heels with a man who became my DP. We were both single when we met. We had, for 7 years, the kind of relationship that used to make friends vomit a bit. Very loving. Very close emotionally. Amazing sex. Never argued (well, very rarely and only silly stuff)

For various reasons (all legit and agreed between us) we never lived together. We both had (older teenage) kids that we full-time parented and big work commitments that prevented that. But we were very much together and often talked about a time when we would grow old together

Then, completely unexpectedly, it turned out there was an OW. In a different city to where we both lived but where he often worked. It was the biggest shock of my life. I ended it immediately and, after the confrontation where I told him I knew, I have not seen or spoken to him for 3 years. It's like we both disappeared out of each other's lives.

Until now

He contacted me and we met for a coffee ( I know, I know!) He is full of remorse, regret and apologies. His relationship with the OW did not last and was not happy. He claims that he realised his mistake very quickly and never stopped loving / missing me. He does not blame me or the OW, only his own selfishness and stupidity which he now regrets. He is begging me for a second chance.

I have never really hated him. Possibly idolised him in his absence. And struggled to ever find a man / relationship who could match up to what we had.

So. My question. Would I be mad to consider it? Can a leopard ever change its spots. Is it possible to go back?

'tis I

OP, are you saying that people who work in close proximity have little choice in whether they shag each other or not ?

They have full agency. You know this, though. He could have ended it, but he was "confused" and "in a fog"

You know what we say about statements like this, I guess. It's rationalisation, and a poor transparent attempt at that

Sorry, I am in the process of reading all the posts on here, from what I have read...
How would you feel about dating like its a brand new relationship and seeing from there if you feel you may be able to trust him again in the future?

P.s I thought my h waiting a week to come crawling back was bad...3 years?

If you want to get on this sort of roundabout again then take him back and prepare to suffer

stuck I have explained the 3 year thing. I asked him specifically not to contact me which he respected. I also blocked him on phone / email / facebook etc so that he couldn't have got through even if he tried

Plus, I have recently become single again. He didn't think it fair to approach me when I was seeing someone

Hello AF - I've been waiting for you with a little trepidation

I think he sees it as a reason. Not an excuse or a justification. But I hear you and you are right. There are always choices. And he made his.

Thanks Abilly. Very useful!

You have recently become single. You seem to see that in the context of him being chivalrous to wait until you are available

I call that opportunistic.

Ok, I can accept there are jobs like that. But why didn't he leave it?

Yeah but I could also say AF that he couldn't do right for doing wrong in that case eh?

Hello Line, he has. He got himself transferred out of that kind of situation. That's one of the changes he has made to change his life in the last three years

Once again, I'll reiterate that I am not swallowing everything he's saying just because I'm typing it here. I'm typing it here to tell you what I'm being presented with so that I can get your opinions / expertise.

Trust me I have not let him get away with anything and will be putting some of your points to him if I do see him again.

I can see there are obs where people have to work in close proximity. But shagging each other is not likely to be in the job description.

Or else those oil rig workers, armed forces, submariners etc etc etc are in a shitload of trouble

jobs*

Well that's odd AF but you've mentioned one where we work! And it is horribly common in our line of work for people to cheat and, sadly, get away with it for years. It's almost the norm. I'd say that at least 50% of people in our job have affairs. It's really really depressing. I thought my ex was different but I was wrong

I am signing off now as I'm off out for dinner with friends. But thank you all so much for allowing me to talk about this - it's felt like a huge relief

I don;t know you, honest

Can you ever go back, generally? Yes.
Should you have him back in these specific circumstances? No, no, no!!!

I don’t understand how his marriage failure somehow caused him to have an affair when he was with you. (I see you’ve said those details would be identifying, so I don’t mean you have to post them on here, just think it through for yourself. Do you have any independent confirmation of any of this?)

Has he been single and just “waiting for you to be ready” since he broke up with the OW 6 months after you kicked him out, or has he been seeing someone / multiple others in the interim? (Again, do you have independent confirmation of this, or just his word?)

Are you just vulnerable right now because you’re newly single again? Doesn’t that make him the rebound guy? Never good.

If he’s really changed in the last three years, then hopefully his next –victim-- partner can benefit from that. But his capacity to hurt you again just raises too many red flags. He’s already broken your ability to trust unconditionally; what part of you will he break next time?

but I just can't help thinking that I'll never truly trust him. And I can't live with that level of anxiety
There you go. That’s it, in a nutshell.

I have just read this thread with interest because I'm in a similar position. You sound lovely, and I really recognise that feeling of your head saying one thing and your heart another.

I think this is one of the truest things I've ever read on MN:

"Hold out for a relationship that doesn't make you want to post on MN. They're the only ones worth having."

victim

Strikeout fail!

The people you are today are very different to the ones then. I really think you should both settle for friends and get to know each other.

I've been thinking as well about the OW's train of thought when she contacted you. She had clearly done her calculations and decided that your then partner would not be furious with her (and he wasn't, was he, because he carried on having a relationship with her afterwards).

So she knew already that he wouldn't quit the job immediately, and that he would carry on in a relationship with her.

I would worry about that.

He doesn't have a job where you can just quit immediately line. Or get away from her physically. And I have no idea if he was furious with her - I haven't asked that. She let me know in quite a subtle way that made me go and find out for myself if that makes sense. I only ever heard from her once more when she sent me a very nasty email - abuse basically. NO idea what that was bout

FWIW she is not British and come from a culture where women have very different expectations of what they want and expect in a relationship it seems to me (having spoken to friends from the same place). Not sure if that's relevant at all.

Anyway, thanks for thinking about me all

Tara can I answer some of your questions please?

I never said that the failure of his marriage caused him to cheat. And neither has he. I said that issues and events whch happened during the course of his 17 year marriage (not the end of it) are some of the long term issues which he has been trying to address in counselling.

Has he been single in the interim? He says he has yes. With two brief encounters. No relationships. Of course that's his word but it would be very easy to check out.

Am I vulnerable? I don't think so. I don't feel it. I actually feel quite level headed and calm at the moment.

I notice he respected your wish not to be contacted again until you were single. Why should that have made a difference? If you didn't want to see or hear from him then it should be irrelevant whether another man was in the picture. I may be being overly harsh but it sounds more opportunistic than respectful. One might even be tempted to suspect he respected another man's right to be with you more than yours to not be with him, if that makes sense. Single and available are not the same thing.

I won't even get into how creepy it is to have your relationship status tracked by someone you told to butt out of your life... or maybe I just did, but, you know.

He didn't track me Annie. His mother and son made a point of telling him! They were both horrified at what he did and have been very very supportive of me

I am single and available - but not to him. Is that what you meant Annie?

I'm feeling like I'm coming across quite defensive of him now as I feel like you (collectively) are all looking for a negative slant to put on everything he's done and is doing and I'm defending him! Which is not what I want to do at all! Quite the bloody opposite to be honest.

But I do think there's an element of "can't do right for doing wrong eg:
why didn't he contact you sooner?
versus
why did he contact you now?

That sort of thing! It's very confusing!

There have been times over the last three years when I would cheerfully have killed him. Still would sometimes. I've never quite made it to indifference

I'm guessing that his 1st marriage broke down due an affair.

He had a long relationship with you and he cheated.

He now finished with her and had a 'few encounters' or did he cheat again.

He has never been faithful and he will never be faithful.

If you really want to go back then YOU need to know the full facts as to why all HIS relationship have failed.

You guess wrong Cutterbug. His marriage did not end because of an affair. I wonder where you got that from!

And why shouldn't he have had a few encounters if he were single? I know I did!

And there I am defending him again!