Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

That's it, Phase - DD knows and feels that things are getting better and she is now far chattier than she used to be and is clearly happy bout the activities we are doing as a family and enjoys them a lot. But then she starts reflecting and gets almost angry about how 'he' behaved and now 'he' always ruined everything for her. But I know she is having a good time, as she is telling people about our activities and she is looking at pictures she is taking.

Moving house is going to make a huge difference.

I am getting hysterical on the Toad front. We have found a nice small newly built house in a suburb that is in a convenient location for schools etc. not the best area in town, but ok. Not as nice where we live now, but the budget allocated to us by His Toadness is rather small. It took me ages to find somewhere nice. Now His Toadness has taken a look at the house over the weekend. He has apparently trespassed on someone else's house 'to take a look' in his toadish manner and got spoken to 'in a broad local accent'. He now has a strop on and has decided that this is not a nice area. Well Toad, what, do you expect? If you go to a place, people will speak in that accent, which I actually quite like.

Otherwise, increase our budget and we will buy Kensington Palace.

Also, as per most recent email, I will get 'nuffink' (in Toad's accent) if I take him to court. Or if I take the children out of the country. So what's the different between 'nuffink' if I don't take him to court, 'nuffink' if I do, and 'nuffink' if I take the children out of the country. It would appear I have 'nuffink' to lose if I take him to court.

Why does toad even know where you are considering moving to?

It's none of his business.

It is, if we settle outside court. However, this is increasingly unlikely.

I thought so far from looking at case law that the court would have him transfer the money to me to buy a house on trust? And then I could buy anywhere I like?

Going to post in legal now.

Karen - I'd have thought that by far the best arrangement is one where you move, and Toad has no idea where you are! Otherwise dd is going to still need escorting to the loo after dark - and what's to stop him trying to break in?

Just disappear.

When do you go to court?

Agreed, I have limited knowledge but I don't think that the normal rules should apply, he has behaved in such an appalling way that you need to get away from him, how dare he have any say over where you move to? Is this part of him wanting access arrangements? Why can you not leave (with a lump sum I imagine) and cut all contact? Please let your solicitor in on all this correspondence, I would believe that they should be advising you on what he can/can't/might do. I think court sounds the best way to go as he'll have to respect any agreement?!

Unfortunately we cannot just disappear. He has parental rights over DD (born in 2004). Had she been born in 2003, he would not have any parental rights. He is named on the birth certificates of both children, but has no parental rights over DS (born in 1999).

Ideally, his only contact should be with my bank account, of course.

Yes, have reached the end of the road. It's going to court now, finally. This week or next, depending what is going to be required for my statement.

Come back to your thread thatsnotmyname - how are things?

Even with parental rights, if there are protection measures, you could move someone he doesn't know about and contact could be made through a contact centre only, or by phone or skype.
Sometimes we must act on our children's best interests.

Fingers crossed that you get what you need from the court.

I think it is a good idea to assume you will get nothing from him and work from there. Because he will use whatever you need from him to beat you up with it.

I think it is a good idea to assume you will get nothing from him and work from there. Because he will use whatever you need from him to beat you up with it.

Yes Lweji he is doing this right now.

OP, op, a little gentle shake, you have to go to court. No contact, no discussion, no hints of what you are going to do.
This toad is one that needs to be told what to do by a big judge.
You are doing remarkably well, but please simply disengage from him as a a reasonable or law-abiding person to any degree.
It is in his interests to keep a clammy little leg on you in some fashion i.e.by intimidating you, getting to the DCs, threatening things.
It takes six weeks for a family application to be processed now and get initial court date, so hang on til then.
Do what you can do re employment law stuff, plan ahead but don't do anything or hint at anything to him.
Legal system here is v different in many way different to other European ones and sometimes I worry that toad is deliberately throwing you the wrong end of the stick because he knows that you are liable to misunderstand some parts of it or assume (wrongly) that bits are not applicable as you aren't a UK citizen. Not true, in essence, but only legal people will know.

You cannot seriously expect me to agree to an indefinite non-molestation condition? This has just totally tripped me over the edge.

Quite true, Toad. I cannot possibly expect this from you. There is no emoticon for this except all of them.

Just go to court, choose your own house without his interference, and inform him once it's done.

I would have thought, given the children's fear of him, that it might be possible to get contact only through a contact centre at first. (I can't remember the details of his interaction with the children).

Dear God this man has a major shock ahead when he tries his baloney out on a judge.... 'you cannot seriously expect me to agree to an indefinite non-molestation condition?'

No of course not. You may resume your molestation on the 3rd February at 2pm.

It would be funny if it wasn't so gob smackingly shocking that he says this kind of stuff to you without realising it's illogical nonsense. So glad you're handing this to solicitors and court to deal with, the judge is going to just love being told his job and laying out schedules for when he can get his molesting rights back.

you flipping well deserve it.

I am still hysterical about this. No one can expect Toad to indefinitely stop harassing, pestering and threatening me. How can I be so unreasonable to expect this.

I have not got any wine, as I am on the 'court suit diet' (to lose a few pounds to fit comfortably into my court suit).

Honestly love, don't even think about trying to settle out of court with this shitbag. He is not going to win. He is not above the law and doesn't have superpowers and a court will get a fair share of money for you and block this man's access to you as much as possible. Every tiresome unfuriating upsetting thing he does is just piling up the evidence that you need have no contact with him at all. Best of luck.

Oh you must go to Court. There is no agreement in the world that he would stick to. He has to have definite instruction and serious legal consequences shoved up his arse.

(Don't worry about dd, KB. It was 5 years ago, she was 10. She is pretty much OK now, except for the GCSEs which make everything totally awful .)

Just read this karen -- did he actually say that.. in writing?

Exactly what would be the opposite of non molestation? As rumble says? Can your solicitor ask him to explain to the court what he means by that statement? But with all his harassing of you by email is he not in breach already, so doesn't the non-mol mean you can call the police and get him properly arrested and a criminal record like he deserves

And would that situation help you get a clean break (and financial settlement) more clearly/easily? I thought the non mol would have some bearing!

If I were close I'd rush a over to you, court suit or not!

I copied and pasted. Yes, he did actually say this in an email.

I am not sure if his conduct has any bearing on a financial settlement.

It may not but it should, for the toll it's taken on your mental well being. Seriously!

Hi Karen - thank you for the link back to your thread, I couldn't for the life of me remember where it was!

Sorry to hear the toad is still being utterly toadlike and beyond bastardish. But not surprised, oddly. I have no idea what it is with these men, why they feel the need to continue to play God with your life and those of your children - it's beneath contempt.

As for his latest - well no, I wouldn't expect him to agree with it - because he wants to be able to continue abusing you and his DC. It's the thing that gave him a hard-on in life, and you, howverydareyou, have removed his playthings! He wants them back so he can continue poking them with sticks to see what they do.

But you haven't been entirely tipped over the edge because you're still hanging on with your fingernails - and then you'll be able to scrabble back up and be up standing again, get further away from the edge and then SOCK him one (in a legal fashion).

So - court this week now? or next? Can't come soon enough, really. KOKO and KTA.

Karen - re the non-mol and dc access; honestly, at 15, your ds is outside his influence now, and in a year, 2 at the most, your dd will be too. They can decide whether or NOT they want to see him. If they don't, there is nothing he can do to make them. No court will make a 11-12yo go if she doesn't want to . And I agree with thumb - he hates that you have control over the dc and he doesn't!

That's another reason i'd just disappear, without a forwarding address. Just an email add. He will continue to harass you so long as he knows where you are, just because he can and he wants to. And he will blame you for the dc not wanting to see him.

He is not a nice, reasonable man (understatement; possibly you already know this?) so stop being reasonable. Start kicking that Toad back.

Karen, a few good things to hang on to here:
1: Toad has a financial responsibility to his DCs. Do the CSA or whatever it is called now calculator to work out what that is. That can be done and applied for without any recourse to courts and is kept separate from the child arrangements
2: DS is free to choose whether he wants a relationship with Toad or not
3: DD is old enough to express an opinion about whether she wants contact with Toad and how she wants it to happen. The amount of weight the court will take of her opinions grows every day, after the age of 10 they are increasingly decisive.

Re the other stuff it is useful to show what a toad he is and won't help him in getting the courts to support his position re the DCs.

And the non-mol order is fortunately decided by the courts/judge whose role it is to dissect the behaviour of toads like this and keep them in line.

Do the CSA, it is dated from the date you make the application and keep up the non-mol.
One final letter to his sol stating clearly that you expect him to apply to court for contact with the DCs and tell him to stop and stop and stop contacting you about any matter at all. Once he's done that then Cafcass will be involved and they will prepare an initial report for first hearing and judge will take it from there.
Trust you've applied for JSA and all benefits to support you.