Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

Well, I'm glad he's targetting your solicitor. He's happily and freely giving her/him more ammunition, hope there are pages and pages of nonsense to your solicitor, 4 or 5 times a day, all of it bollocks.

Do you have a filter set up so that his emails to you go into a separate folder as soon as they are downloaded? You won't have to see them until you decide to open that folder, and you only have to do that once a week - there won't be much that is actually urgent (except in his own mind).

He's now sending abusive emails to your solicitor
Mas as a box of, well, toads really.
Think of it as an early Christmas present.

Oh karen eye of the storm indeed! I've always thought from your descriptions that Toad seemed very self destructive and it seems like he's pulling out all the stops now, sounds like he wants to get some sense of control over events and he's changing tactics. Yikes. He needs to be stopped. When do you go to court any clarity on what might happen? The Toad will be slayed I have an image of someone pouring salt on him and toad melting like the witch in the wizard of oz!--

He does seem to be upping the anti now. Sending mad emails to your solicitor is a level up. He is shooting himself, though he probably thinks that he is doing the opposite.

(By the way, nothatsenough was me. I'd been on my phone and was checking out how to nc, and then completely forgot I'd done it ! Using mn on the phone was not a good experience, btw.)

He tried to instruct my solicitor to do some work for him, addressing them jovially with 'Hi first name' When they politely replied, addressing him politely with 'Dear Mr Toad' that they would take my instructions, he bellowed, per email, again, 'this is none of Karen's concern'. Again, jovially, starting with 'Hi first name'. And so on. He is trying to explain. Their job to them, amongst other things. I am just on the sidelines.

please don't name change Jux. Quite soon I have to do a spreadsheet to remember who is who.

We have informed him that he will have to pay for anything that he sends to my solicitor and for their replies.

He is writing to your solicitor now? Even though he's made such a song and dance about you writing to his?

It doesn't surprise me.

For Toad it is 'win' at any cost. Financial abuse of the highest order - and yet when we allege that, they look hurt.

Deluded Masters of the Universe. The lot of 'em.

Oh splendid! The man Explaining How To Do The Job to the expert, just in case the expert doesn't know how competent, patient and generally intelligent the man is. Love it. The True Mark of the Twat. How often have I seen it, heard it. At least he's directing it where it will do most harm - to him. With luck, he'll do it in Court too, and even better would be if he wrote to whoever makes the judgement about whether you can take the children home.

I didn't mean to nc, Karen. I was just seeing how things worked on whatever version it is that runs on my phone. It's very different, and I don't think I like it.

What Jux says Sit back and enjoy the fireworks!

I once used a very good family solicitor, his advice was "give them enough a rope and these sort always hang themselves" - it's so true!

KOKTA Karen (love that acronym). Toad sounds like he's lost the plot altogether.

I don't know what to think anymore. The only thing I know is that I am going to go back to court next week.

Karen, I prayed for you church today. I sincerely believe that you are fighting an evil man, and I also believe that the forces of good are allied with you. If I imagine you bowed under the weight of all this, I also imagine you with angels surrounding you, just waiting til you lift your head, lift your sword, and cry battle. They will provide power to your arm.

You will prevail because you are good, loving, kind, and phenomenally strong in your conviction. Maybe it won't look exactly like the victory you (and we all) have in mind, but stay true to the course and you will win out in the end.

What matters is the love you have for your children, and your moral compass guiding you to what is right. If you lose the house, stay strong. If you have to stay in this country for a while, stay strong. Have faith that it will come right somehow. It is already better than it was.

I think of you so often, and feel so powerless to help you, but I do pray for you and I know that God is with you. His power is what you need, and what you have. Call on it.

Angels and MNers at your side, Karen! We are all standing here beside you, so many of us, stretching out behind you, serried ranks fading into the distance, miles and miles away...

Phase and Jux.

I will do the best I can to sort this out once and for all - to the extent I can influence things.

Toad does not understand that once matters are in the hands of the court, that's it, neither of us may get the solution we wish for. My position is not clear, but neither is his.

He also does not understand that he is supposed to be acting in the best interest of the children and to be doing the best he can for them. He showed off to his legal team that he would be doing 'the minimum' he could get away with. Very well, Toad. Let's go and see what you can get away with.

You do the best you can, you HAVE been doing the best you can, and leave the rest to the hands of fate.

I am concerned about DD. Whereas DS remains unaffected in his friendships, in the last three or four years DD has made friends with two or three other girls who seem to have experienced similar domestic circumstances. This has started when she moved to junior school and had to find new friends. I just realised that this has gone in for longer than I thought. I can of course understand this. However, whereas I don't discuss 'adult matters' with the children and they have no access to my email (thank god!), these other girls know an awful lot about their 'bad dads'. Together with WA, who entirely approved, I have already diverted her from one of these 'friendships', also, because DD got manipulated by this girl, but another one has just come along, after a period of 'normal' friendships and she seems to be moving away from her usual friends again towards this girl who is texting her all the time. I need to find a way to stop this incessant texting which is having an effect on our family life. I am already banging on enough about spending more time with her usual friends, and of course I don't want to overdo any of this. I don't want her to listen to this girl's stories about her alcoholic dad. I don't think this is unkind, it's just self preservation.

Your dd is 9 or so? Take the phone away while you are at home.

As your daughter is still in junior school & so young can you introduce a family rule - no texting once you get home. Her phone is to keep her safe & when she is with you she is safe so it can be turned off? Long time lurker with nothing useful to add previously.

Karen, DD obviously needs someone she can talk who understands what she's going through. She's gravitating towards girls in similar circumstances for that reason. Her 'normal' friends are unlikely to understand.

If you close down these friendships, she's going to need someone else to talk to. Does the school have / have access to counsellors she can see regularly - and by regularly I mean more than once a week, although that's still not the same as having friends you can see every school day - and can perhaps text at other times when she's struggling?

I'm sorry dd is troubled by it all, it's inevitable isn't it. I can see why you're worried though. It's true that children of that age can only empathise for so long, and that it's not long enough. Have word with her head teacher and class teacher.

When dd was traumatised by one (or seven) too many bereavements, her primary school allowed her to go to see the school counsellor or school nurse whenever she wanted to. She could leave lessons, breaks, go before or after school. Sometimes it was harder to see one of them than others, but it helped her just knowing that she could go somewhere and sit quietly when she needed to.

So sorry to hear your concerns about DD, I think the 'phones off' rule is a good idea as long as the DC go long with it. Otherwise it will feel like a punishment. Can you help her find more constructive ways to help this girl, ie they do an activity together (ice skating? Cooking club?) then phones off the rest of the time, as the other girl clearly values her support. That might be a bit naive of me however as girls relationships can be tricky. DD obviously senses that you've git a tough week coming up. It might be nice for her to think others are going through same (or worse). Sending good vibes for you this week.

Sorry my post was so brief earlier, was just off out.

I think it might also be okay to say to her that of course it is nice to talk to someone who understands, but that sometimes with friends that can slip into an unhealthy way of talking about it that doesn't help either of them.

You could tell her that it is important to keep focused on ways that life is better now and that it will keep getting better. Keep focusing on the bad things and your mind gets used to it. But of course that doesn't mean she can't talk about how she feels and that you and others will be there for her when she wants to talk.

I think you will be able to judge whether that is something you could say to her.

Thank you all. Taking the phone away after school would seem like a punishment and she feels safer with the phone on her, in particular since the 'break in' (probably Toad, someone tried to open the front door with a key at night). This is why I am not doing it. I will ask her not to text though after school, unless it's for a reason and she will have to ask me before. DD is ten now. I have to be consistent with this.

Of course I don't close down any friendships. In the case of the other girl, she started bullying DD and this of course brought the friendship to an end.

DD has had counselling previously, but has been discharged after six months of counselling.

Jux I am sorry to hear about your DD and about the hard times your family has been having. This makes Toad sound like a walk in the park and myself utterly pathetic.

As much as I don't want to carry on talking to the school about this, I suppose I don't have the choice.

I am totally selfish here. I have tried before to help this other, previous friend of hers and invited her all the time and she came for entire weekends, it all ended in tears, as we ended up spending our entire time helping this family out and they took advantage. In the end, we had to go NC and block them. Basically we went from one abusive situation into another. Therefore I will not encourage this friendship and make excuses for not inviting this new friend. If they spend time together at school, that's enough for now and no texting after school. I looked through the texts after I got concerned and I am not impressed with this girl's use of 'language' and other premature behaviour. .

DS is more 'sensible' but of course he is older and he knows to choose people to talk to. DD thinks she can confide in her friends, I suppose and so does this other girl. DD doesn't want to talk to me about all this too much, because she knows how worried I am, this is what she said to her counsellor and she doesn't want to talk about 'him', as she refers to her father at all at home. She thought she had identified him as the person who tried to break into the house, from where she was looking and she is now even more frightened, to the extent that she doesn't dare walk past the front door once it gets dark and either DS or I have to come with her and stand in front of the downstairs loo.

So in conclusion, someone has to be found who she can talk to at school or / and a new counsellor.