Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

Karen I wasn't saying I didn't believe you hun, just that I found it extremely shocking that they'd do that. I've read your posts before, it really does sound like you're having an awful time of it :(

On the other hand, Toad is not allowed to contact me, but someone has to.

Not much fun Pretty I am always shocked when I get their letters. I showed one letter that I considered not too bad to a friend yesterday and she was furious on my behalf, although I did say that that one only contained minor insults.

Can I ask why you are not instructing a solicitor? It's obviously entirely up to you but it would shield you from this stuff, to a certain extent. It may make the process slightly less stressful for you (I know solicitors get a bad rep but a good solicitor can help you here).

If they are being so insulting/harassing you it might be worth a trip to the CAB? I've lived with harassment before, I understand how damaging it is even when you tell yourself everything is fine and it doesn't bother you. The dread of the letter box going, the phone ringing, even stepping outside gets too much. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Also not sure if this will apply in your situation but a visit to your local MP might be useful, even if they were just to advise on what to do about the toads solicitors? Sometimes a carefully worded letter from them can cool things off drastically x

I agree with what Zigzag says - not a big deal the solicitor phoning you and what he said just took you by surprise. But yes you should tell him what hours he can call in future.

Re what he is writing to you, as others (more informed than I) have said on here, they do have a code of conduct, and they are checked on by another in their firm. Perhaps a call to whoever is keeping a check on Toad's solicitor would be in order?

I can't afford it. zigzag

what about legal aid?

Good question, as I am now unemployed and I qualify for legal aid (non mols) I can address this again. My solicitor doesn't do legal aid, but my barrister does.

Op why havent you got a solicitor? I suspect that if you did all this would have been kicked into touch, plus you eouldnt need to read any harassing emails

Koala look about three messages above yours. Karen's answered this one multiple times.

I'm just hoping when this goes to court, Karen, all this evidence he's providing you with is going to do a lot of the talking on your behalf. This has been ceaseless crap from him for weeks.

If there's one good thing that can come out of your redundancy it could be legal aid.

Having to represent yourself in domestic abuse scenario must be the most stressful thing imaginable.

Karen - I am very surprised that toad gets to demand to see the dc. When I divorced my dc were 11, 13 and 17 - they were asked, not told, even the 11YO, about the contact they wanted. It's supposed to be in their interests, after all, not his. The sols shuld know this.
Certainly the 15 yo will not be 'made' to see his father, and in the case of the DV upon you, the 10YO should have supervised contact if dc want it

And it might be worth contacting the solicitors Ombudsman (?) with some examples of the bullying letters.

captainmummy this is extremely reassuring. Thank you.

I suspect this is why he is always threatening, but never issuing the application. Because they don't have to see him, if they don't want to.

Reading between the lines, the other side accept this, hence the phone call. Nevertheless it is a hassle.

His solicitors may have the right to contact you directly but this looks like a blatant attempt to bounce you into making a snap decision against the interests of your DCs by fabricating an urgent deadline and pursuing it via a "last minute" phonecall. It's sharp practice at best.

Ok, time to take a breather and think how you want this process to run so that you are not jumping when the other side demands it.
Write - not call, not email, but post to Toad's solicitor assertively and calmly requesting that all is done by post and that since Toad has a solicitor all correspondence emails etc need to come via that route and you cannot consider anything that is not in that format.
It might help to say that since there are multiple strands to the potential legal cases between you and him i.e. divorce, money, unemployment, children and that you are self-repping as well as normal childcare and household responsibilities you are only able to deal with correspondence at certain times in the week and it is easier to deal with things in a mass not piecemeal.
As you are self-repping other side do have some kind of obligation to take that on board i.e. if they rottweiler you, it's not appropriate in the same way that two barristers arguing the toss might be.
Most importantly take ownership of the situation and keep what private time and space you can

Toad's solicitor does as he instructs. He who pays the piper calls the tune, etc. Unfortunately Toad has an unending supply of vitriol and disrespect. Take heart from the thought that the torrent of inflammatory correspondence racks up his bill.

nauticant I have not made any concessions but that was the idea, of course.

dunfightin I have set up a separate email just for this purpose and I only look at it when I have time. However, you are totally right that I have to set out some rules. At times their combined onslaught is taking up most of my day which I should spend looking for employment before the redundancy pay rubs out, as Toad of course does not contribute to the children.

Thank you. I will make a plan and send my rules over to the other side. Deadlines within one day for example are not at all acceptable and I cannot spend my entire time writing letters to Toad's solicitor and emails to Toad.

Donkeys he is trying to take his solicitor's bill out of my settlement, as it's 'all my fault'.

Deadlines within one day for example are not at all acceptable

Might I suggest deadlines within 5 working days.

But generally you seem to be managing really well in quite horrible circumstances. You will get there and once you do it will be wonderful.

Sorry Karen, might have guessed.

Karen, great to hear you are able to go for legal aid now. Can you make that a top priority? WA can help you find a rottweiler of a family law sol, I'm sure.

Hear, hear, rottweiler vs Toad!

Jux is that you with a scary Halloween name?

Karen, so sorry to hear this. It is all just so draining and horrible for you.

Yes it is. He said he is going to make sure I will go bankrupt.

I am so scared.