Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

Wait, he asked for access to the house and you replied? Or was this last year?

No, it was now. I cannot reasonably refuse him access to the house, because the house is on the market and it is in his sole name. We are only in occupation. However, this needs to be on agreed terms.

I am extremely uncomfortable with this, as you can imagine, because there is nowhere in the house that I can lock things in. While we are out, he will then have the opportunity to remove more items which I will find hard to prove and also, rifle through all our belongings and rummage through the cupboards.

Therefore I would prefer to move out, with this being a high end property it may take ages to be sold and this could then go on for years. However, Toad now refuses outright to provide any financial support for the children which makes this difficult. If at least I had my redundancy money, I could pay a deposit and rent somewhere, but as I will (hopefully) receive this in installments, it won't be enough to pay for anything, at the rate I am receiving this over four months.

I am still waiting to hear from HSB.

Meanwhile, I will have to consider LIP, but something has to be done.

So either way, I am going to submit my application to the Court before Christmas.

If he has an acceptable reason for requesting access to the house would you be able to have him escorted by the police? it seems sensible as you can't be there and he can't be trusted.

If you explained the previous violence and thefts and told them you were worried that he would cause damage, take things that were not his or actually refuse to leave once there.

That's my main concern, ATM how to get him out if he refuses to leave, even if this is clarified in writing? I have my application ready to reapply for the occupation order, but I cannot go to court and apply for an occupation order right now, as he doesn't live here. It would fail. I cannot apply for an occupation order, in case he turns up and refuses to leave. It's like calling the police, before something happens.

Would your parents be able to lend you the money to pay the deposit on renting somewhere else? You could maybe pay them back out of your redundancy money in instalments.

You would not have to tell him that you were moving or where to, just post him the keys.

I'm sure you would be entitled to housing benefit to pay the rent.

I can't imagine what it must be like for you and your children living wtith the constant threat of him hanging over you all the time.

Please make the applications to extend the non mol/contact orders as soon as you can, at least then there's a legal penalty if he carries on.

No, it was now. I cannot reasonably refuse him access to the house,
Well, unreasonably deny him access, let him take you to court and meanwhile arrange for renewal of the non-molestation orders (why not reapply for extension while they were on???) and for alternative accommodation.

Don't be reasonable with someone who isn't. I have learnt that. It does not benefit you at all.

It's not much fun. I can probably reapply for non mols without any problems, but I need to wait for SHB to advise me of the strategy she has in mind.

Job hunting for now.

I think I am going to need an au pair, going forward, to get some help with transporting children, babysitting and housework. We have a university nearby too. I think I will look at getting a German au pair, as soon as we have moved, to make work more manageable and being able to do more working hours.

If you think his reason could be legitimate and you can't avoid it is there another person who could be at the house to "supervise". You could also ring 101 and arrange for a police officer to attend at the same time as toad and other person to prevent a breach of the peace. Hopefully he wouldn't be able to take/damage anything then.

Could I really ask a police officer to be here at the same time, petal?

He is not reasonable so I think you are right to plan for the worst-- but I would think that if you're in occupation of the house on not-good terms, then perhaps any visits should be accompanied by police? It's clearly a torment/harassment situation (I believe it's clear anyway!) so having him in your house is unthinkable. Have you found a sympathetic DV person with your local police? I think they should be taking an interest in this.

Crossed posts!

For some reason I cannot send PM's at the moment, it's like writing with invisible ink. I can open my inbox and reply, but my typing does not show.

This is to the posters who have recently sent me PM's.

Yes - attending an address to prevent a breach of the peace is definitely done in my local force so I can't imagine it would be different elsewhere. Especially in cases where there is do and all other threats etc that you have had to deal with. If you have already spoken to the dv team it would be worth seeing if they can help organise it as they have the background knowledge of the situation. Also stress his history of previous theft of your belongings.

This would be great petal - I do not expect them to sit there all day while Toad is clearing out the garage, but a brief visit to impress on him that no misdemeanors will be tolerated, would probably do the trick.

Personally, I'd ask what he wanted from the house and would leave it all out for him.

He wants to do jobs and sort through the garage. The garage is fine, I am not worried about this, because I can lock the connection door, but I am yet to be convinced about his DIY efforts. For this, he can take me to court for access.

Let him take you to court. By then the house may have been sold, you may have non-molestation orders, or you may have moved out.

More emails have arrived from Toad. I cannot read them anymore, I just can't. I will read them tomorrow.

Is there anyone you can ask to screen the emails for you?

Dear Toad,

Despite having received several warnings regarding your conduct, I note that you continue to resort to personal insults and off late have interspersed your email correspondence with the use of profanities.

I informed you that I would feel unable continue to communicate with you via email if this conduct did not stop.

From now on, please send letters only. For communication regarding access to the family property, please observe the agreed forty eight hour notice period and please add to this two more days for delivery of your letter as well as two further days for delivery of my return letter.

I shall endeavour to reply to your correspondence within three working days.

Please name a third party who you wish to instruct on your behalf for the purpose of urgent communication.

Please include a valid address for postal service.

Yours sincerely,

Karen

Dear Toad

You are an arse, I wish you would drop dead.

Take me to court if you want to gain access to the property for whatever reason.

You're a bullying bastard

Karen

Ok, Random I shall send your letter instead.

I wouldn't send yours, I just wouldn't reply tbh. I really would not let him access to the house and let him take you to court.

"Honour I and the dc are so afraid of what he'll do, something like bug the house or take personal possessions I just can't let him in"

Sooner you can rent the better IMHO

Or
Dear Toad
I have received your requests and will give them extremely considerate and careful thought.
I will reply to you when I reach a definitive decision.

(don't hold your breath)

Dear karen,
call back to WA is due. Also see if your local WA or equivalent have someone who can wade through this with you.
I think sometimes you don't see the wood for the trees, which is totally understandable when dealing with a Toad.

OK, you are a sitting tenant, sitting whatever - virtually a squatter -so it may be very hard to evict you without going through legal channels.
First off get the money coming in via CMS - chase them. Get ACAS to sort your redundancy coming in one big chunk - you need it for the deposit.
Go to a local letting agency and see whether there are properties that accept HB and there are some suitable properties at the price HB pays. Ask if your parents can act as a guarantor of the rent even though they are in Germany.
Does the local university teach German? Can you offer conversational German to anyone just to get a bit of money coming in?
Police will act as escort to prevent a breach of the peace - trouble is for Toad they do it as and when they have time so he will be at their beck and call. However, they usually do it for emergency stuff i.e. clothes or whatever rather than someone sifting through the garage.
House sales take a minimum of six weeks for all the paperwork to go through here (and that's basically a cash buyer).
Don't get too hung up on the barrister's strategy. They work on their wits and SH knowledge of the law - quite often they turn up at court at hour before the hearing. They are highly paid bullshit detectors.

So you get your lump sum, get the DCs provided for and then you move at your pace. Just imagine how nice it would be to send Toad an email at 4pm one day to say we have moved, the house is now vacant.

With property when you have been living together it is notoriously hard to prove ownership so unless Toad has receipts for the DCs's beds or train sets or underwear or whatever else. A gift is a gift is a gift in legal terms.

Don't let the bastard grind you down. You will take a little dip in lifestyle or whatever, but it is amazing what you will succeed in doing when you need to. It's one of the big markers of a post-Toad life when you suddenly do something that you'd been told you couldn't do or felt you couldn't do

A glass of Glühwein, perhaps