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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

984 replies

Karenthetoadslayer · 22/10/2014 22:43

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. Confused.

You never know what will happen at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 08/12/2014 22:47

Lweji quite. But I don't even have to prompt him, sadly.

He demands that I undersign a consent order regarding contact and on the other hand he orders me to undersign an agreement drafted by him and him alone deciding about the rest of my life. In exchange for the privilege to be his slave once again. He cannot afford to have this agreement drafted by his solicitor.

I am just so lost for words and it is almost too frustrating to even write this down.

If anything,his behaviour is even worse now Jux or perhaps i just had my eyes wide shut at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 08/12/2014 22:48

Spot on Jux

I hope for SHB to get back to me in the meantime.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/12/2014 22:54

It is worse because he has lost the control he had over you, or that he thought he had. He's shooting in all directions. He still thinks he can control you somehow, though, and that you will react as you had previously.
God knows what goes through these people's minds.
Hopefully, though, it will settle, as it seems for my ex, and your Toad will realise that he has lost you and the children.

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 08/12/2014 23:01

Could you tell him this, Lweji? He wrote today - not that I replied - that I was not allowed to change the utilities in his property, because I paid for these with my salary that was paid for by his business. If I needed any more examples for financial control ... But I have enough already.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/12/2014 23:10

Hence why you shouldn't reply at all. He is absolutely desperate because he senses he has lost control over you.

He is livid and thrown and will try anything to exert ANY bit of control over you however small.

Flowers in a warped way it means you are winning, you are get further and further away from him.

Lweji · 08/12/2014 23:13

in a warped way it means you are winning
this.

Bogeyface · 09/12/2014 00:08

You know those films that start with a tight, disciplined military group and by the end most them are dead? THink Aliens. At some point one of them goes completely batshit and starts firing in all directions, not realising that he is getting closer to the enemy and ends up getting shot down in flames.

Thats Toad.

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 09/12/2014 09:59

He is now openly using profanities in his emails to me. These are all going to be printed out and sent to the CMS, as they contain information.

It is becoming increasingly clear that he was not going to contribute anything at all.

He is now threatening legal action against me, if I do not undersign his proposal. What type of legal action can he threaten me with, actually?

I continue to not reply.

OP posts:
TwinkleDust · 09/12/2014 10:20

I think his actions are now slipping into the criminal. This in a perverse way is advantageous to you, since you can now contact the police to report his harassment and threats. Keep everything, back it up somewhere (i.e. copies). SHB hopefully will be on board soon.

thatsnotmynamereally · 09/12/2014 10:34

karen as others have said, this is so clearly harassment that, in light if the non mol etc he must be in breach, can he be arrested now? I would think that his clear disregard for and flaunting of the law would work in your favour to support how unreasonable he is. Do you have anyone who could advise? I assume it's all going straight to your solicitor!

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 09/12/2014 10:41

We are on Undertakings now, non mols have expired. I need to reapply for these still.

Twinkle keep your fingers crossed for SHB.

OP posts:
thatsnotmynamereally · 09/12/2014 10:50

Of course--he's spotted his opportunity re: timing, now that's got to make him look guiltier of harassment! I hadn't realised there would be such a lag in getting orders renewed.

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 09/12/2014 10:55

Yes, I have now formally requested that he stops emailing me.

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/12/2014 10:59

Regardless of orders, it's harassment, and it falls onto domestic violence because he is an ex partner.
So, I'd report it all to the police.

ptumbi · 09/12/2014 12:25

He's threatening Legal Action against you for not complying with his wishes? Hahahahahahahahahahahahah

Toad -'Mr Police Officer - have that woman arrested and thrown into jail immediately! '
Police Officer ' Yessir! A little torture thrown in Sir? A spell in Solitary? Righto! By the way - what's she done?'

Idiot. No of course he can't bring legal procedures against you. And if he can't afford to get his solicitor to draft up a schedule for the rest of your life, then I suggest he can't afford to get you arrested for absolutely nothing. Or he could send back his £600 specs/

RandomMess · 09/12/2014 12:44

He is so full of bullsh*t he doesn't even warrant being a toad...

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 09/12/2014 13:42

Carry on refusing to reply - the more you let him, the more he'll continue to spin his rope for hanging himself - apart from the obvious annoyance and grief he's causing you, it's almost hilarious what he thinks he can get away with! WHAT an idiot.

I do agree with logging it with the police - it's still abuse, even if only by email - because he's harassing you. Does he send anything to the children, do you know? I sincerely hope not but it might be worth asking them.

RandomMess · 09/12/2014 14:01

He must be absolutely "hopping" mad at your non-response Grin

I wonder if he is having problems getting his solicitor to do what he wants hence he can "no longer afford" one.

rumbleinthrjungle · 09/12/2014 14:50

Barking. The man's out of his tree. He can't make you sign a damn thing, he's trying intimidation more and more desperately because it's always worked before. As Random says: this escalation confirms you are doing this absolutely right, and agree the solicitor probably tried to tell him he can't do that/say that/ won't support him in his actions. He'd be one hell of a client to try to manage in a court room with the evidence against himself that he's been piling up.

He's providing much useful evidence of batshittery, abusive behaviour, refusal to support his children and financial chicanery, financial abuse, intimidation... I think the legal term 'blackmail' might be an interesting discussion to have with your solicitor, I wonder if he hasn't trespassed there in writing a few times. You're not going to need to do much more in court than turn up and be there while they wade through all his crap.

Great you sent the formal request to stop emailing: now ignore and wait for court. Love the threats of legal action to you in one email while in many emails so far he's been trying desperately to get you to sign an agreement to no objective observers or objective authorities ever being involved who might curtail his getting to do what he wants on his terms to you as he pleases.

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 09/12/2014 14:52

DS would tell me straight away and I think he has blocked him. He doesn't have DD's number, Thumb.

There are two types of emails, the ones before he goes to the pub, and the ones that he writes when he comes back from the pub. Best to ignore all of them.

OP posts:
Jux · 09/12/2014 16:54

He can threaten whatever legal action he likes Karen, but there is no foundation to a suit of "Karen isn't acceding to my completely unreasonable decrees" or "make her stop saying no to me mummy"; presumably that's at least partly why he sacked his last shl, because shl couldn't conjure up a non-existent law for Toad's convenience and whim.

If the Court were to inspect all his emails, they might be forced to have him committed, so what % would serve your purpose while allowing him to retain enough apparent sanity to be held answerable and culpable, would you say? I reckon 10%.

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 09/12/2014 17:14

'I am out tomorrow and I expect to have answers to all the questions when I return on Wednesday,
if you fail to respond I will have no option other than to resort to legal recourse.'
^This.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 09/12/2014 17:18

He's been threatening this for a year, no? At least when it happens things will move on a bit.

Sit tight.

ChameleonCircuit · 09/12/2014 17:21

I've lurked on your thread, Karen, but had to add this. I'm a Yorkshire lass, and the only appropriate answer to that last message (if you bother to reply at all!) is "Gerron wi' it then".

Looking forward to seeing you free of his twattery.

RandomMess · 09/12/2014 17:21

I know this whole process is absolutely awful you but his increasingly desperate "demands" have me in stitches because he really has lost control and is majorly panicking.

Flowers and hugs x

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