Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

But you are right, it is best to ignore all of this, provide the necessary information that he asks for and not engage or react to any 'shouting' and insults. Hard though. At least, this will then not provoke any further comments such as the above. Detach. I will put a post it on my screen: ' Do not engage. Detach.'

Hi Karen long time lurker on your threads. I have one a bit like yours - I call mine twatface. Mine is a lot more passive aggressive in his dealings as opposed to Toad who is "in your face" (at least you always know what he is thinking!!!) so I read your messages with incredulity. In fact it's MN that's helping keep me sane through all of this - that and Aldi sherry

We've done a year a year of procrastination through solicitors and as I write he should be at his initial mediation meeting (mine's tomorrow). I will be informed if he doesn't turn up (he cancelled the first appt)

My DC are older and have no contact with him - in fact one has changed her surname by deed poll. Both are on anxiety/depression meds and one has been referred for therapy. I think it hits them harder when they're older.

Anyway, just wanted to say you are doing absolutely brilliantly

I thought he had been denied contact/the dc didn't want it therefore there is nothing to discuss?

You will email him should the dc ever wish to see him or they have any health concerns. Educational information he can have access to from the schools which is entitlement.

Beyond that I don't think you legally have to provide him with any information about the dc. In fact if there were serious health concerns you could just ask the hospital to inform him by letter.

You need to transmit radio silence.

Big hugs [flower] he loves the argument, the battle, the war so side step it and let him argue with himself.

Absolutely agree with Random.
You don't have to engage even about the children. If they were born after Sept 2003 he will have automatic Parental Responsibility and can approach school for any info.
DS it depends on whether he was on the birth certificate and registered his PR. If not it's up to him to do the legwork.

Basically, unless vv serious i.e. life and death, you don't have to inform him and you can ask that relevant authorities contact him if necessary. This kind of thing is commoner than you may think.

Radio silence will push him towards court, which is a good thing for where you stand.
So this week job centre, hope you have sent off CM stuff. Redundancy goes through work. And then my dear Karen, it's sofa time for you with the telly, knitting, a pack of cards, cognac, chocolate and anything that takes your fancy …

If it's going to court AND are having to reapply for non mol due to pestering, harassment and intimidation, do you still now need to respond to emails on contact? Can't that just go to court with everything else? You've hardly been unco operative and have lots of email evidence of this, and it's his abusive harassing behaviour rendering it impossible for you to talk to him yourself. His choice. I too thought the current bottom line was no contact anyway?

Please don't let this twit succeed in making you ill. Seeing your G P (and logging it with solicitor) is a really good plan.

Just delurking...you are doing so well Karen, and also others ....

my stbexh is also a persistent contacter.

Don't know if this might help you?

My way of dealing with it was to "remove the heat from the situation" ie...send toad emails to separate tab in emails, discipline self to only look at these once per day (my best time is mid morning as I then get on with other things), write a draft email replying to all yesterday's emails....don't send it. Look at my response following day, edit all engaged language or inessential information. Then send.

I estimate that by not "feeding the fire" within a week I had more than halved the correspondence and over time this has reduced further. Every now and then I get suckered in and reply immediately or with actual linking words and sentences....immediately the emails flood in.

if he challenges you with lack of care or rudeness fro ignoring him state that you are politely considering all his points and wish to give them the attention they deserve......(which of course you are, no attention and basic consideration).

good luck

Karen, I really didn't realise the you were responding to his emails. I think that has to stop. You don't need to reply at all. Everything should be through the courts now.

Karen - good idea, but just do the "Detach" part. Brains like to work with positive instructions, so if you put "do not engage", your brain goes "Engage! ....uh, oh no, don't." Detach and ignore. Detach and ignore - both positive instructions, brain can do those without complex "do it first and then don't do it" systems.
:)

Thank you all. I do have an entire separate email for Toad and related matters. I keep my emails to him really short and I completely avoid personal remarks or comments, keeping strictly to things that need to be discussed,such as the house. But these do not warrant any replies, so I can just send information emails.

Radio silence sounds good. I shall keep this up.

It is true, I have offered a lot of help regarding contact with the children, he refused it all and this was all I could do. I don't need to write any more suggestions. All has been said. I owe him nothing.

Children: Radio Silence
Finances: Court
House: Estate Agent
CM: CMS

You are all correct, Toad does not feature anywhere in this picture.

He sent some more provocative emails, but I have never responded to these anyway. After a while, he will then summarise them and send again.

Maybe change the name of the folder you store them in to something like 'Hahahah, ridiculous little man'?

Karen, is there someone who could actually look at the emails for you, and just send you one liners summing up when important (ie, he has refused your request for CM)? Then you could just have them automatically forwarded to someone without even having to look, possible without even knowing they're there.

Are you volunteering, Jux ?

Seriously, Karen, I would do it for you. Of course I would. PM me if you want me to.

I know you would, Jux. I can deal with it, while I can complain on here.

It will get better now, that there is not much left to discuss.

Complain away then Karen! Every little helps, as they say

(but if you change your mind, don't hesitate to ask - I am mainly stuck in the house with not a great deal important to do)

Keep going Karen

What a fabulous idea and Jux, what a star. Maybe there is a business idea there? It does make sense to have someone who acts as a filter. Fool's idea is good.

I do similar. I notice that if I read every day then somehow more messages seem to appear. My antidotes are to tell people edited low points - I get positive reinforcement of what a complete fuckwit the ex is, also I right replies then email them to myself to hit my other admin folder - which is where I put the stuff that needs doing at some point in the day. I can reread with some distance, remove emotion and then work out if I do need to send Often FW has gone off on some other tangent so initial response is no longer needed.
You definitely have enough ammunition for court to show you have tried and tried ...

Most of all I think complete radio silence will have an angry jumping up and down like Rumpelstiltskin

Big understatement, Random

Very angry about my request for CM. Four pages how he cannot afford it; he needs to spend £600 on new glasses including clear glasses for night vision. Toad was only ever wearing heavily tinted glasses, even in the dark. He could never see a things of course.

Also, how I dare to apply for CM. My redundancy money should last me until the end of April when he intends to pay CM.

[angry ]

He is homeless. Kids and I happy to stay in a suite for three in a four star hotel, with no cooking, laundry and cleaning. Homeless. Indeed.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Let court deal with him. It's not up to him whether or not he pays CM, or whether or not he can afford it and it's not your responsibility to make him understand it or justify it to him.

Although I can understand the temptation to suggest you and kids will take the hotel

Ha, his priorities are so so so skewed, and he's such a dunderhead he doesn't even think to hide it. It's nice that he's too dumb to think "oh hang on, if I wibble on about specs which cost 600 smackers while complaining that I can't afford to contribute a bit towards my children, then it'll make me look baaad, so I won't do that". Oh no, King Toad of the Lesser Reptiles knows that those judge people are almost equal to him in terms of class, wealth, background and status, and so will absolutely agree with him. He probably thinks Cecil Parkinson had it right (another utterly vile and deluded twat with no principles at all - he got away with it because so many MPs were so corrupt in those days, and there was very little scrutiny. We were meant to tug our forelocks and thank them for the few mouldie crusts they dropped for us in them days ).

TBH, mention of Cecil Parkinson, even 30 years on, still makes me spit with rage. Happily, things have changed for the better since then.

Ah well leave the courts and CMS to deal with it.

Shock horror you are covered by employment law rights, the CM by the CMS service.

You don't need to read or reply to a single email from him, as you've learnt there is no negotiation or reasonableness so just save your brain space. The only point of reading them is further evidence of why your dc shouldn't have contact with him and why you need a clean break and protection from him.