Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

Number changed, very efficient.

Okay well that's good. I would still just do it though and if/when he coughs up the rent then inform the council and they will reduce housing benefit accordingly. It's just another way of you stopping him controlling you.

You choose the house, where and when you move then let the solicitors argue/sort out the finances.

I've never actually heard of anyone getting their rent paid for by their ex though... so I wouldn't rely on it happening.

If he has phoned you, this is a breach of the non-mol order and should be reported to the police.

Being very blunt, if you keep not reporting him you risk not having the non molestation order renewed.

And he'll keep doing it, and could be entitled to move back in and you'd have to move out in a hurry.

Your solicitor previously advised you not to, to see if you could reach an agreement, which was bollocks to start with. At this point just report him, fgs. Get WA to advise you on it if you like, but the order is there for a reason. Use it.

I'm afraid I also don't understand the point if having a non-mol order if you're not going to have it enforced. To him this will look like an invitation for him to breach it and so he will.

Apologies if there are some good legal reasons for not reporting breaches.

Locating your phone number most definitely comes under not just contacting you but harassing, pestering and intimidating (and it's working), it breaches the non mol order on two counts.

The court took the evidence seriously enough to grant this order, that isn't done lightly or without clear evidence it's needed. This needs reporting so the order can be enforced and the message goes that the court can't be ignored, he can't just do his own thing and everyone will give into him. This guy wants his rights to molest you, that part bugs him so much he's built it into his offer for settlement it's so important to him. You really need this legal boundary supported.

I have of course reported it and I had my number changed. However, he had of course blocked his number, so again I have no evidence. If I have no witnesses and no evidence, this will not get me any further. Showing a 'blocked' number on my mobile phone is not getting me any further.

random he has to provide a roof over his children's heads, as per Schedule 1. He agreed to this. He would not have agreed to this, if he was not obligated to do this. Not Toad. If he cannot afford a mortgage, one of us has to rent, at his cost. When it goes to court, the court would prefer him to rent and the children to be in a secure house which could be fully paid for. He could have the house back as soon as our youngest child finishes her education. In 10 years or so when Toad will be 68.

Also, the non mol has now expired and it's now undertakings. No power of arrest attached until he does something serious. But I am going to reapply, as there is now no more need to communicate with him and I have enough evidence for his ongoing abusive behaviour. It is clearly necessary.

nauticant we were lenient with not reporting breaches, while we were negotiating and hoped to get something done. But this is not happening anymore, so fuck it, we will report everything. I have my statement ready to reapply for non mols. Undertakings are not worth having.

As his behaviour in ignoring the court orders is causing you to have to apply for the them to be extended, can either you or your solicitor apply for the costs of the application to be awarded against him?

It's free ATM to reapply. I have a case number.

And yes, costs would have to be paid by him. He had to pay the occupation order, even though he disputed it.

we were lenient with not reporting breaches, while we were negotiating and hoped to get something done. But this is not happening anymore, so fuck it, we will report everything

I'm really pleased to see this. Good on you.

Regarding the blocked number, you may not direct evidence, but if you report it, the police should be under obligation of investigating it, and a court could force the phone company to disclose the number, I expect.

Thank goodness, Karen. Just report everything now and keep notes, so write that telephone contact down too. How on earth did he get your number?

Having read your post about how you all felt while renting the cottage, and the bills and the gardening and so on, I see why renting somewhere new would be infinitely preferable to staying in the house. The only problem with renting somewhere else, is that I can see Toad arguing forever that as he's paying for it, then he should know where it is, have a say over how you arrange the furniture etc, and insisting that he will only pay rent direct to the landlord therefore giving him a road into finding out the address.

insisting that he will only pay rent direct to the landlord yes, he's already done this. However, the court would not order this.

Also, if he then continues to try and have access, keeping him out would be easy, as he doesn't live there. This house is in his sole name. Difficult to keep him out. We have a record breaking occupation order of over one year. It's usually limited to six months.

I had to give my mobile number to builders etc so they could text me when they would be here. I presume someone just gave him the number not thinking anything of it. It doesn't matter. I find the new number easier to remember.

nauticant Oh god yes. We have a shiny new statement that we all laboured over so it would go to waste not using it.

Super! Assuming you've got a legal strategy in place that supports your plan of moving out then do it. The theme of this thread particularly is that Toad is pushing hard in a campaign to regain control over you and the kids. If your response is to remove yourselves further from his baleful influence, then so much to the good.

I've followed your story for a while and each time you edge further away from this disgusting specimen, it feels like the world has become a slightly better place.

Just wanted to say your mobile phone company can tell the police what number he called you from.. I know from experience.

It won't come to anything much AuntieMaggie. He will not get arrested for this with undertakings. He would arrested if he came here and shouted something like 'you f b I am going to kill you' provided he did that in front of somebody. It's not that straightforward to get someone arrested for breach of undertakings or non mols. At least with the non mols, they think twice, but still they can be very clever about this. I have had endless discussions with the police.

In this case, if he actually used his own phone, he could just say, that he has misdialled, for example. If he used someone else's phone I am making a fuss for nothing.

I am going to reapply, as there is now no more need to communicate with him and I have enough evidence for his ongoing abusive behaviour. It is clearly necessary.

Great Karen, well done.

Keep going, we're all routing for you.

Hi Karen,
looks like things have moved on. Please try not to over think i.e. if I do this then Toad does that etc, etc. I know it helps to feel you've covered all the bases but whole process is not entirely like a chess game where you can predict moves and responses.
More like jenga i.e. you take out certain blocks and eventually the whole shebang i.e. Toad's fantasy collapses but where exactly the pieces fall and what you need to pick out of the rubble, where and when isn't certain. Glad you've got the CM ball rolling.
Next step get moving especially if you can't afford the heating etc. Sounds like a new place and a smaller cosier one would be a real boast to you all.
I image Toad Hall as being very grandiose and surrounding by elderly trees that creak alarmingly in the wind. A little cottage sounds good … and no you 'll never have to tell him where you live. Money will go into a bank account so he won't have a clue.
Time to seek out new SHL (shit hot lawyer). Meantime, hope tomorrow at Job Centre goes ok. Do book an appointment for CAB too, if you can. It may take a long wait but there is some good advice there and they cover lots of these areas.

Thank you, dunfightin. This helps. I keep second guessing Toad and unsurprisingly it doesn't quite work. The CM letter angered him, but I had to do this. He immediately protested that it was 'agreed' that my redundancy should cover CM until April. I informed him that there is no agreement in place and therefore I have no other option, but to ask him to pay CM now. I don't think there is anything he can do about this. He has to pay redundancy and he has to pay CM.

The children are desperate to move out. DD cried at bedtime. I am fed up always having my phone on me.

DD asked why he wanted my dressing room furniture, because it's ladies' furniture, and then she concluded 'may be he's giving it to someone'. I just said 'maybe' - I am not telling them too much, CAFCASS wouldn't be impressed and the DCs don't need to know any details.

My WA lady has just emailed me the details for the legal aid law centre.

There will come a point where you and your DC will just look at toad's latest antics and laugh at him. He's ridiculous, as well as horrible. There will be a day when another email/letter/phonecall will just lead to you and DC looking at each other and rolling your eyes and saying, oh, he's off again, silly sod.