Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

We didn't want to incur the costs and we hoped that Toad would receive advice to also avoid further costs. But he has now dispensed with his solicitor.

If you have a good solicitor, you'll get costs. With Toad's complete fuckwittedness and intransigence, anyone can see he's dangerous to be around. I hope the notes of how he behaved when you actually were still living together are included in any documents destined for the Court, so that the Judge can see how unreasonable Toad was then, and how ridiculous he is being now.

The children are seeing counsellors aren't they? Statements from counsellors would be helpful in Court too, if you can bear it.

Most likely he has dispensed with his solicitor not because of the costs but because he is hearing things he doesn't like, such as 'it is not going to look good for you in court if you say that' or 'you can't do that'.

The downside of court is that they will try to play fair even to a fuckwit and it won't go all your way. However it certainly won't go all his way either and the man is derranged, he has absolutely no realistic understanding of the situation or what he can and can't do, and that is where you need the court to take over. I'm sorry you're in this so stressful situation, but you're absolutely right, it's time to let a judge deal with this man and enforcing Toad's compliance.

If you go into rental what are the immediate downsides you'd be dealing with? Is Toad paying the mortgage currently giving you more financial security than receiving CM would, or is this something you'd do for the reduced contact/him having the input of providing the house and starting CM payments?

Sorry, still steaming on your behalf over his 'settlement' conditions.... it's all unbelievably sick, this email is going to provide excellent evidence of him continuing to abuse, but to attempt to financially trap you into never being able to use a non molestation order takes the biscuit.

The man REALLY resents you having any power to prevent him abusing you as and when he feels like it, doesn't he? There's nothing at all about promising to cease to molest, it's all about blocking you from any right to legal protection from him because abusing you is a right he has. He can't stand that you have that option and it's worked/forced him to stop, and that his power to do whatever the hell he likes to you can be tampered with.

Bastard. Utter bastard.

He really is sick, why on earth would anyone agree to live with their abuser that they've had forcibly removed, he is demented and you could never negotiate with someone like that.

Just hugs, huge hugs.

Going into rental: He will have to pay for this and CM on top. The house is in his name, so it doesn't matter.

The disadvantage: none really.

The advantage: the DCs (and I would not freak out every time something is creaking in the house and also, we will have to allow him access occasionally to do maintenance and repairs. For example, he would like to come at weekends and I have not allowed this so far, however, he can request reasonable access. As rumble said, the court treats fuckwits fairly too. So, by going into rented we would avoid having with Toad and also the sale of the house.

No, it won't go all my way and this is why my solicitor was trying to see if we could achieve the same by negotiating and avoiding the fees. But we don't.

Meanwhile he is spending all the assets.

It's sick - I have still not quite recovers from this latest, really evil email. He sounds like these psychopaths that you see in psycho thrillers.

Sorry about typos, on phone.

If it keeps you safer, helps you and the children stay calm and all of you to move on and enjoy your lives, then do it.

But it is making me very indignant at the injustice that he may well end up giving you nothing at all. So do talk to you solicitor before you do anything final, like go to rented. Think very carefully before you do anything at all. He may still do whatever he can to abuse you and scare you and threaten you etc, even if you do give up on the house.

Yes I know Jux This is why he doesn't agree to any settlement, because then he will have lost his hold over us and I can just cut contact.

It will happen sooner or later.

He has to give me something, but of couse not 50% of the assets! as we are not married. He will have to provide a roof over the children's heads and pay CM. He will have to pay lump sums, but this is all.

I can take my chances on the house. Or / and on the business.

This is like my first thread. Nothing happening for ages.

But it will happen, eventually.
Keep on keeping on!

I know the feeling. It happened with my divorce and the custody case, but suddenly we'd have a hearing, then nothing, then a decision.

You'll get there. Meanwhile live your life the best you can.

karen hope all ok this morning, just wanted to say that I didn't mean to imply that you should consider reconciliation, was trying to see wtf he actually thought you would do, in an ironic way, the tone didn't quite work!

Did you say he's got rid of his solicitor? Or is that just with regards to representing himself in court? Sounds like he is going loopy. For a man who had been issued with a non mol against you he is certainly doing you a lot of harm. I know the content of the emails may not be specifically threatening but doesn't the frequency / intensity constitute a breach, and if so could the police arrest him? I mean, specifically is the non mol says no harassment? Apologies if you've already tried, but I thought that the non mol was supposed to protect you from him and he's certainly doing you harm at the moment

Thank you all. The situation and Toad is always there. DS said the other day that it's as though he was still here. We were really happy in the cottage that we rented while we were out of our home, we were in party mood and the children were so relaxed.

It's the house. My mum said it is clear that there is an atmosphere in the house and that bad things happened here.

Tomorrow I will catch up with my solicitor and ask her if they would advise that we could move out.

The maintenance and utility bills are too much too. I can't afford to have the heating on, really, but of course when the children are at home, I do have it on, from 4:30 until 7:30 but I have to be careful with this and temembering to turn off the boiler, heating system, hot water advance and all that is getting a bit silly. I usually end up having cold showers, because I don't turn on the boiler until I get up and there is not enough hot water straight away. Plus, there are so many empty spaces here now, it's echoing everywhere with large empty rooms. My neighbour complains about the hedge needing cutting, lots of trees need maintenance and Toad has informed me that I either pay for this or move out.

I will see if this is possible, may be this will even give us a boost.

I am looking for a cottage within driving distance, but nothing so far.

thatsnotmynameHe will have representation in court with both solicitor and barrister for £700/hour.

Meanwhile he is doing his own correspondence to wear me down to write what his solicitor would refuse to write.

It would appear that Toad received my email regarding child maintenance.

Wonder what got smashed in the office. And no, there has never been a picture frame with my photo on his desk. Phew.

Sorry to ask this again but how is he able to do that without breaching his non mol order? I am asking because in my investigations I've been firmly told that if I would have a non mol in place I would have to be totally prepared to call police/report if he breached it, and the implication being if he were found to be in breach he would be arrested and a criminal record would follow. I'm sure you have been through all this with your solicitor so apologies again if I'm covering old ground but just thought may be useful to take a step back from the situation. Never mind what he's emailing about, he is harassing you and it's straight back to the abuse you sought protection from a year ago albeit in a different guise.

Rental plus cm option sounds a good option financially. Unless that would be in lieu of a lump sum? Would a court order that?As I would think a clean break would be preferable, as long as he's not stating the terms.

Crossed posts. I take it he didn't agree?

Moving is a good plan IMO.
Keep the address secret from him, which should help the children relax.

The first year was also the hardest for me. Deciding what to do legally, waiting for things to happen, dealing with the harassment (I got death threats) and so on. But things get sorted and once you enter the legal system there is respite because it's out of your hands most of the time and you can cut contact. They do get tired at some point too.

There is always a shadow, though, because he's the other parent, but with strong rules and strategies life does move on and you will all feel better.

Karen - hi, I've lurked on your threads since the start, as I too am going through a very difficult separation/divorce (from a very difficult man). I also had a non-mol awarded by the judge, although at the return hearing we gave joint undertakings.

Is it not part of the non-molestation order that he can only contact you regarding certain matters? In our case it was matters pertaining to the children.

It sounds as though your whole life is being dominated by separation from this man. On the one hand, I can understand exactly how that happens. But I know from my own experience that the ONLY way you can change that is to put proper boundaries in place. And only you can do that. I assume he is writing to you directly because you can't afford to have your solicitor take his correspondence, because otherwise all his correspondence should be going straight to your lawyer. I have had times when I've been in a similar situation - unable to afford the legal 'shield', but completely harassed by the onslaught. One solution I found was to forward all his email to a secondary email address I created. Once it was all syphoned there, I told him I would only check it once a week, and would go through it then. Once they know that they won't be able to upset you whenever they like, the emails lessen. Alternatively another option I used was to let a trusted friend create a password and literally make myself unable to check the emails. Much as we don't like to face up to it, there is probably an element of co-dependency from being in a relationship with a man like this, and you may sub-consciously be unable to detach from him naturally as much as you would consciously like.

I am not overly familiar with TOLATA proceedings, but surely if you were awarded a lump sum to purchase a house somewhere, he would not have the right/ability to come and do maintenance on it? If you are awarded a lump sum, the money is yours and the property therefore becomes yours? Is this not the case?

Oh FFS: he has found out my mobile phone number. Must change it immediately.

TBH I would tempted to go to Womans Aid to see what help they can advise you to move into private rented. I would look for somewhere that will give the dc as much independence as possible - easy for school, public transport, shops etc.

Sort it all out (use your redundancy) pay a tenancy up front if you can then claim benefits, you will probably get full housing benefit as it goes on current income not year to date. Also as you are fleeing domestic violence and it's not your home & not married then they can't insist you move back to Toad's house.

Random he has to pay for rental too, as well as CM.

Redundancy will be paid in installments until March, so no big cash amount available now, unfortunately.