Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

Happy anniversary for tomorrow

You will get there,and it won't take much longer.

I should be able to get legal aid, but I may have to change the solicitor.

Oh really? would your solicitor not be able to carry on? I don't know how that system works, I would have thought they could volunteer for it, like pro bono work? dunno though.

They have to have a legal aid contract from the government. There are only a few firms round here who have this and they offer minimal service. It's rubbish, compared to private representation.

Some solicitors do legal aid and some don't. If you can get it - look at new rules i.e. you have to prove domestic abuse but non mol should count - then simply change solicitors.
Your situation re DCs seems pretty sound. Just remember to think of their interests and try to distance yourself.
You won't be able to settle out of court with someone who doesn't accept reality or keeps switching from one fantasy to another. You need someone sensible, rational and aware of their responsibilities to be able to do that i.e. not a toad.

Even if you can't/prefer not to go the Legal Aid route, can you go for costs? Would you be likely to get them awarded against Toad?

I was wondering the same thing about costs! Doesn't the offending/losing side have to cover them?

I know it's no time for game-playing and I truly believe he'd get his warty toad-ar$e kicked in court. But is there any way you could get a cash-type agreement in your favour, say he puts the house or some cash-equivalent asset in your name only (not shared) in good faith as you agree to reconcile, then once you've got something tangible that you can get your hands on you say... 'WTF was I thinking! Silly me. I forgot you were a slimy toad and my mind has changed, cannot reconcile .' Then off you + DC go. Or, you will reconcile if he agrees to give you a squillion pounds and live on a slimy lily pad in the garden, it would only be fair, really!

I am, however, v naive in the ways of the law, and I'm sure there is something that says you cannot enter an agreement with intention to deceive? But then, back to the court option, how the heck could a judge look at toads offers in conjunction with his 'how can I be expected not to molest you' statements and conclude that he is a genuine nice guy?

Time to regroup, as Phase would say. Even after a sleepless night. I am bloody scared.

1st condition in his settlement was that I forfeit any lump sums if I make applications for non mol's and occupation.
2nd condition was that the DCs have to have contact or he would remove the maximum amount it would cost him to take me to court.
3rd condition, overriding all other conditions was that he would decide if he had sufficient funds
4th condition was that the house had to sell over an unachievable price.

So, whatever way I look at this, I would not have got anything, unless I get back together with him. Then I would get a new car, my name on the house and everything else that I asked for.

He wants to force me to live with him against my will. How sick is this?

Very sick indeed. How is it that he thinks he calls the shots?

But if that is how the game is played, what us to stop you from taking the (rightfully yours) share of the house etc then dumping him the next day with your financial protection (that you don't have now) in place? He cannot force you to feel reconciled to him, in fact given what the past year has shown, he takes no responsibility for his behaviour.

Hope you and the DCs can have a somewhat calm weekend. What sort of timetable is there for going to court? Perhaps you should stop even reading/trying to interpret his 'offers' (I know it's impossible) and direct them straight to your solicitor as he's such a fantasist.

However, thinking about it, do you think his desire to 'reconcile' might have sinister undertones? Please be alert to that, he will want revenge. I know you won't, but do not be in the same room with him. Perhaps police DV specialists would flag up this sudden desire for reconciliation as trying to get you into a vulnerable position? Might that support your case?

Do any of us ever sleep? how are you doing? You did not 'obey' I hope and go out to spend the weekend with him?

I have not spoken to him since 28th November of last year and I have no intention to do so. I was in the same room with him a few times. The courtroom.

As we said before, there are no direct threats in his email, unless of course it is accepted that getting back together with him against payment is a threat.

If I get my application in by Friday, he will have two weeks to respond and it will not get heard until well after Christmas, but this doesn't really matter, as the children and I live in the family home from which he is excluded.

So we have a roof over our heads as well as my redundancy money and hopefully jobseekers allowance and child tax credits, so we should be ok for a few months. I will make an immediate claim for child maintenance now. I understand that this will get collected by bailiffs or taken out of his account, if he doesn't pay voluntarily.

karen, sorry if the answer to this question is somewhere up thread and I missed it - but is your reluctance to drop all 'negotiation' and see him in court, purely financial, or due to some idea that he'll magically start doing what he says? Besides, he's not offering much in terms of your freedom and autonomy which, IIRC, was the major issue when you cohabited.

I really feel for you, you sound so trapped and frightened (in a way that you didn't when you first ejected Toad) - surely there must be a way, in 21st century Britain, for an abused partner and children to escape their abuser? Even by going to court and using legal boards here to support you in self representing, if there really is no solicitor who will take you on on a 'costs after settlement' basis?

Please don't be brow-beaten into agreeing anything with him - he will shaft you, of course he will!

Your solicitor sounds like an idiot. Because all the conditions toad makes are utter bullshit and not legally binding. He seems to think he can just take ownership of you and the children and enforce obedience, which he can't.

There is no point in trying to negotiate out of court with a demented buckethead like this. You have every right to evict him completely from your family life, because he has forfeited any right to see any of you due to his abuse of you.

And ignore the advice about pretending to reconcile with him. THat would be incredibly dangerous for you and DC.

Still, conditions or not, he can still chose not to pay, unless, again, I take him to court.

Thank you all for spelling it out for me again.

I am frightened, because I have had to deal with him during the last three months. I am mainly frightened, because he is so demented, in particular in his emails about the children.

Of course none of us are going anywhere near him.

I am now on the phone to the CMS setting up my claim for child maintenance.

Have just read the whole thread. Am stunned by his behaviour. Keep going Karen. It'll be ok in the end. And if it's not ok, it's not the end.

He can refuse to pay but the courts can send bailiffs after him and even, ultimately, put him in prison. I appreciate that it's awful and scary dealing with such an unreasonable man, but he is not above the law and does not have superpowers and will not get his own way just becuase he shouts and screams.

Right, the best way forward is to move into rented, because I will not receive the full CM because Toad pays the mortgage, however, he has to pay accommodation and rental will not affect the amount of CM he has to pay.

No way on this earth should you ever consider going anywhere near him at all - even if he promised to give you everything, it would still be a desperate ruse. All of his conditions, his "offers, his threats - they're all so much desperate ranting and none of them have any substance.

Court it has to be, I'm sorry - KOKO because you are doing absolutely the right thing; and even if you end up having to walk away with nothing for either you or the DC, you will still have done the right thing. NOTHING compares to your (and your DCs) safety. No money is worth losing that.

, and - it WILL be ok eventually.

I have just written to him that I require him to pay CM. I don't believe I was even scared to write the email. It's about time he started paying.

Exactly Thumb I spoke to my father last night and even he admits that this now has to end and we have to go to court immediately.

I'm staggered that your solicitor thought that you could ever settle out of court with a man such as toad. Every aspect from child support to contact has to be agreed by the court, and even then he probably won't comply.

I know you think you trust your solicitor OP and find her 'meticulous', but I've said before she seems inexperienced in dealing with abusive men.

If you had to change your solicitor to get legal aid, it would be no bad thing.